Women turn on to a throbbing Maserati

It's official: If you want to turn a woman on, ditch the Volkswagen Polo and get yourself a Maserati, which is 100 per cent guaranteed to get those vital testosterone secretions flowing. That's according to research by psychologist David Moxon, who subjected 40 guinea pigs to recordings of the aforementioned cars' throbbing …

[Gordon Matson]

"We saw significant peaks, particularly in women"

Surely they should be concentrating on the actual testing rather than checking out the Bulgarian airbags?

[Damien Jorgensen]

Good news

I can report as a Maserati driver women perfer the beast to anything erman and most other italian cars lol

I should stick a "the reg" sticker in the back window, if someone would send me one and take a pic of it lol

[caffeine addict]

I suppose...

... that if our web dominatrix is as powerful as is rumoured, *she* will soon have a maserati. Of course if it makes women generate testosterone she'll also have a beard...

This may explain why most Maser drivers seem to be pretty-boys who can't park... they're actually women with facial hair.

[Anonymous Coward]

Guinea pigs?

Since when have guinea pigs had any response except blind terror to the growl of high performance engines?

[Anonymous Coward]

Dear Maserati Owners

Please drive up and down the road outside my house all night. I live in Norfuck Street.

Thank you

[Anonymous Coward]

So in my Ford Ka

I'm fucked (or rather not likely to be fucked, as the article suggests).

Anon (because of the Ka)

[Anonymous Coward]

I Hope

It doesn't involve furry-mammals!

> for the sharp and sudden increase in sexual promiscuity

[Russ Tarbox]

I'd be interested to see...

the results after fitting a stupidly loud "bean can" exhaust to the Polo :)

[Matthew]

"We saw significant peaks, particularly in women"

Phnarr phnarr

[Daniel]

I guess the Vauxhall Astra ...

... will do the trick, as long as I have a big sound system and a few motor sport recordings?

Scientific minds want to know.

[Steve Oliver]

As a Polo owner...

...(mk2F GT squareback) I'm really getting a kick out of this article. Unfortunately neither a Maserati, nor a Ferrari, nor a Lambo would fit in my garage.

/ my coat's the small but practical, faded green, scuffed one

// it matches the car

[Solomon Grundy]

Doesn't Work

I just tried it - I drove my guinea pig around on the passenger seat of my '61 Vignale and either it didn't work or I don't understand guinea pig arousal because it bit me and scampered off under the dash.

[Christian Gerzner]

Phooey

Heck, any of today's Masers is only a Ferrari by another name. As well, they're both owned by Fiat, as are Alfa Romeo, Lancia ...

Conversely, Lamborghini is owned by VW, as are Audi, Bentley (yes), Bugatti, Seat, Skoda ...

Oh, and Porsche now owns VW!

[Eponymous Cowherd]

@Russ Tarbox

***"the results after fitting a stupidly loud "bean can" exhaust"***

Probably good at attracting chavettes, but everyone else will just laugh at you.

[Tim]

@Damien, the 12 year old "Maserati driver"

Gran Turismo doesn't count mate. lol.

[Anonymous Coward]

AROOGA! AROOGA! AROOGA!

Am I the only one whose red alert siren went off when they read this?

>"ditch the Volkswagen Polo and get yourself a Maserati, which is 100 per cent guaranteed to get those vital testosterone secretions flowing."

>"All the women tested showed "a significant increase in testosterone secretion after listening to the Maserati"

If you think it's a good idea to "increase testosterone secretion" in women, U R DOIN IT WRONG!

Well either that or you're trying to impress a member of the former East German Women's Shot-putting team.

[Anonymous Coward]

HAHA

What a complete useless crock of shit. Bunch of sad, pretentious, pathetic fucks. I really don't know where they get the funding for this sort of crap, nor why anyone would be the remotest bit interested.

Come on Apophis don't miss, there's a whole planet full of worthless Sun and Daily Mail readers needing obliterated.

[Scarlet]

@ Bean Can

Very loud laughter from both men and women..

[TeeCee]

So, to sum up.

Mazza's are macho, Lambos are gay and VW Polos are for sad bastards with no life.

This is new information how, exactly?

[David Cornes]

@ Russ Tarbox

An outbreak of acne and a love of loud breakbeat shite I'd imagine.

[Anonymous Coward]

@ Russ Tarbox

Is there a hormone people produce when the see a prat?

[John Macintyre]

any other cars tested?

Otherwise that's like saying a crapped out ford transit picks up less checks than a brand new aston martin surely? According to http://www.tmcnet.com/usubmit/-hiscox-luxury-cars-really-get-pulses-racing-/2008/09/01/3627563.htm they used a maserati, Ferrari and lamba with a polo, not really a great comparison. What about a souped up vw golf or modded skyline?

Also it was a recording, what effect would a real car have? surely a much greater one? and no stats on the Ferrari effects either. if the maserati was tested using a real car, one could almost imagine a Lynx ad style chasing of the driver (in which case i feel sorry for the guy driving the lamba :o )

[Bob Bobson]

It must take a special kind of bastard...

to think of doing animal experiments in the name of insurance, of all things. Top marks.

[Anonymous Coward]

@Russ Tarbox

"bean can" exhaust? I've always referred to excausts like that as w*nker pipes! :)

[Anonymous Coward]

Sorry to all those offended by this

But it's true.

Women like big engines and fancy cars. yes, even your special lady who isn't a cheap floozy and doesn't mind that you aren't exactly Bill Gates in the wallet department, she likes them too.

Which is exactly what they're designed for and why people pay so much for 'em. No need to be upset boys and girls. Admit it, you'd love a Maserati or a Ferrari. Admit it, admit that having a roof over your head is your priority, and move on.

/jaguar driver

[Steven Raith]

What Maser?

If it was GranTurismo, I can see that - the sound of one of those being booted makes me aroused too.

There again, though, so does the sound of a sawn off Metro 6R4* [Youtube it] - what a noise, never has a six-pot sounded so utterly sexual.

I think this may make me a bit strange though.

Steven "I wasn't looking at that blonde, I was looking at the 964 RS" Raith

*Metro 6R4 - a spaceframed, mid engined, 400+bhp V6, four wheel drive group B rally car. With Metro body panels bolted on top. Hilariously ugly and stupidly fast.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I'd be interested to see...

Russ Tarbox

"I'd be interested to see... the results after fitting a stupidly loud "bean can" exhaust to the Polo :)"

There's a difference between engine noise and exhaust noise.

Engine noise has a sound: growl, grit, tuning, music.

Exhaust noise is just volume 'cos you've kicked the muffler in the nuts.

The muffler makes for a much more appealing sound because it removes some of the odd harmonics, leaving a more organic , "tuned" sound.

The physiological reaction to the "roar" of an engine is because it mimics something in nature: the voice. The grinding of a bean can is more akin to being in metalwork class.

[Anonymous Coward]

Another car to add to the test list

True Story: About 17 years ago we were visited simultaneously by a woman who arrived in a Maserati (I had to discretely look at the badge as I had never seen one before (a Maserati that is, not a woman but I digress)). Oh yes the simultaneous visit was from a German in a Trabant.

You're way ahead of me aren't you - she was wetting herself for a ride in the Trabant while the Maserati stayed, ignored, in the drive.

[J]

Re:HAHA

Wow, it took quite a while today for the idiot brigade to show up...

[Hollerith]

sure it's a rev up

Women love driving big, fast cars. They know they'll probably not get their hands on the steering wheel of power, and to growl up the Autobahn in something that won't shift up from second gear until you hit about 50 mph is the closest to world domination as they get.

[amanfromMars]

Hermes Cloaking Style

Bugger the Viagra.... Bag a Bugatti, would then Logically Seem like Perfect Lovers' Steps. Not for the Faint Hearted, Fortunately. 42 Much Love can Kill You Everytime.

So True Love is Never and can Never Ever Be Abused?!. :-)

[Warren]

@AC - ref funding

Isn't HISCOX the rather exclusive 'fat-wallets need only apply' banking service?

I think that's all the funding they need.

I believe the results are more skewed toward the luxury, exclusive, successful elements of what these cars represent than the burbles, Hence the Maser came first as it's likely to be the most comfortable out of the Ferrari and Lambo, and percieved as the most exclusive.

[Luther Blissett]

It was a recording???

I've wondered how I'm going to cope with my first electric car when the hippies get to rule the world. Now I know how to keep pedestrians from falling under the wheels, not stall in corners, and generally retain the ambience of motoring that I am used to. And it also seems that any old sound system will do.

The next research proposal will be on the effect of different tyre squeals?

[Arthur]

You are Jeremy Clarkson ....

and I claim my five pounds.

[Lars]

So what is the news here, scientific!

Large yachts, nice cars, large estates, big houses, large accounts.

Trying to teach kids things they have in their geens since Adam.

Not forgetting Eve, of course.

Technology has "advanced" since the apple.

We have not.

[William Doohan]

women are pigs?

How can they extrapolate and say that Guinea pigs are the same as human women? .......Italian girls maybe ? ....... HMMM, Guinea pigs, Italian cars .......I maybe onto something here..... :-P

I know my Honda Civic with the bean can keys are in here somewhere....

[Dave Bell]

Er...

What sort of Maserati?

[Anonymous Coward]

Ah...

But how does it compare to the roar of a 1000cc V-twin motorcycle going past on it's back wheel?

Anon because of several dozen road traffic laws.

[Anonymous Coward]

The usual method

Is a lot more intimate than this, also the levels of testosterone may span hours so the VW could be the arousal which follows into the Masserati.

Anyway it's a press release science so doesn't really matter.

[Damien Jorgensen]

RE: Tim

Didnt mean to offend you, green eyes and all lol

[Geoff Mackenzie]

Good science

A car insurance company would like me to buy a bigger, faster car.

I use vehicles for transport. For manufacturing testosterone, I prefer to use my testes. Though I can see why a fast car would make a good substitute if you were unfortunate enough not to have a pair.

[Ishkandar]

Comments on comments

@TeeCee - "Mazzas are macho" ??? Try a Norinco Type 551 AFV !! It comes with twin 25 mm machine-cannons as standard. AND it also swims at 13 kph. Gas turbine engine is standard !! And the 6 (yes, six) extra large, extra wide wheels are just perfect for rolling over the parking warden's feet !!

@AC - if you think women like large engines then shurly a gas turbine engine will win hands down (see above). And what woman can resist popping her head out of the commander's hatch in the turret and shout at the local traffic to F*** off out of the way while threatening them with the twin cannons (vehicle's, not hers) !! And "bombing down the road" takes on a whole new meaning !!

[Anonymous Coward]

Women and fast cars

Hmmm. Yes. OK. SOME women DO like expensive cars. In my experience, they only do it for the wallet that's putting fuel in the tank.

Its the ones that HATE it when you drive fast that are the keepers.

[Solomon Grundy]

@Dave Bell

BiTurbo. Chicks go crazy for those you know.

[Julian Garrett]

Hahahaha thats Awesome!

Just bought myself a Mercedes Benz SLK 55 AMG about 2 weeks ago.

5.5l V8 which I turn the radio down just to listen to.

[Charles Manning]

Cock and Wallet

That's all a straight girl is really looking for.

If a bloke has enough of the latter to buy a Maserati, then he probably has enough to compensate for any shortcomings in trouserville.

[Anonymous Coward]

@AC

"But how does it compare to the roar of a 1000cc V-twin motorcycle going past on it's back wheel?"

It HAS to be an Italian V-Twin though!

Mines the one with the RSVR keys...

[Steven Raith]

@amfM and AC biker

amfM - Bugattis - especially the EB110 and current Veyron - really don't sound that good. Quite dull. I reckon anyway, YMMV. Now, the BRM V16...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk8qPlOKB0I

Listen to that with headphones, my martian chum. Best. Noise. Evar. If that doesn't get the hairs on the back of your neck standing up, I officially pronounce you dead between waist and knees.

Mr 1000cc V-twin on one wheel ; women don't want an organ donor, they want stability, common sense, and someone to care about them.

At least, that's what all the women tell me they really want from a man, when they tell me they just want to be friends...

...right, I'm off to buy an 1000cc V-twin then.

Steven R

[Anonymous Coward]

Works for males too

For me it was the sound of a Ducati 996 going by.

An old Porsche 944 Turbo has done nothing for my love life, but that's not why I drive it.

[amlendu]

Men with small d**** need sports cars

Men with small ***** need sports cars to pull / pick chicks. This is a well known fact. Thats the secret to bonds success.

[Anonymous Coward]

Reality

Sorry lads, not all women love the sound of Maseratis, Ferraris, Bugattis, etc. That deep throaty roar is just indicator that someone in need of a penis extension is driving by. Or perhaps someone wanting to relive their youth. And just to dispel another myth, not all women are interested in money either - some have their own. Of course if you can catch a bit of totty who is only interested in you because of your penile enlargement on wheels and your bulging wallet, then good luck to you, a match made in heaven, obviously.

[Daniel]

@AC

"What a complete useless crock of shit. Bunch of sad, pretentious, pathetic fucks. I really don't know where they get the funding for this sort of crap, nor why anyone would be the remotest bit interested.

Come on Apophis don't miss, there's a whole planet full of worthless Sun and Daily Mail readers needing obliterated."

Whats the bet he owns a polo!!!

[RaelianWingnut]

@Geoff McKenzie

> For manufacturing testosterone, I prefer to use my testes.

Gotta love that technique (I can feel my sexuality crawling into a nuclear bunker)...

:-P

[Chris Coles]

Buy an old Austin 7 Ruby instead

My experience of a fast car was to briefly own an E-Type 4.2L Roadster. The problem is that any "nice" girl will take a look and naturally assume that you are "fast" and I have to report that my personal life was much better when I drove an Austin 7 Ruby. When the fast car goes, the fast woman goes as well. Stick to a small car with class and win the heart of a nice girl. better by far than an imaginary "win" of someone that moves on as the success declines.

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes but bikes will make her come!

From personal experience, I know that motorcycles can make girls orgasm. The throbbing of the engine/exhaust note causes reverberations through the inner thighs.

One girl I know very very well used to orgasm on the pillion seat!

Can a car do that? Maybe by sitting on the engine while revving hard, then it will blow up.

Going anon in case I embarrass her..

[micheal]

RE -Phooey

NO, VAG (volks audi group) have always owned porsche, since Hitler's day

Fiat is state owned so buy's up the failing ones

VAG is just big

GM own merc, vauxhall, opel and most other US ones

Ford own the rest, but are selling some to pay for the EXplorer law suit in the US

I'd think the new Aston V12 would dampen a few thongs too

[Anonymous Coward]

Re:Men with small d**** need sports cars

amlendu - "Men with small ***** need sports cars to pull / pick chicks. This is a well known fact. Thats the secret to bonds success."

Assuming you meant "Bond's success", you obviously have not been lusting over Daniel Craig in his crotch hugging blue trunks as he walked out of the sea.....no unseemly bagginess there. I'd take that over a shiny, expensive car any day.

And where is the female equivalent of the Paris Hilton icon? We demand a totty icon now!

[Jaimi]

Duh!

Re the comment "NO, VAG (volks audi group) have always owned porsche"... I think you'll find that Porsche is VAG's largest shareholder and were recently looking to buy VAG outright.

[Jaimi]

Duh!

Nah... porsche owns VAG ar are at least VAG's largest shareholder.... get yer facts right yo.

[Tim]

@ amlendu

According to my ex, that's not the case for Daniel Craig. Though maybe it's relative...

[StopthePropaganda]

this is wht God invented motorcycles.

sound *and* vibration. Women love growl and buzz. Case closed;)

[Big_Boomer]

Masturbati Owners

Aren't Masturbati owners just BMW M5 drivers who don't want to be hated? I'm a Lambo man me. Gimme a Murcielago any day of the week.

Masturbati's are for sales & marketing types who value image above everything. Me, I want NOISE and POWER.

No, I'm not Jezza Clarksons secret twin. <LOL>

Paris because she would come in a Masturbati (and probably already has!)

[Jon Tocker]

A parable...

The elephant and the mouse were walking through the jungle.

Suddenly, the mouse fell down a deep hole and was stuck.

"Help me! Help me!" Cried the mouse.

The elephant lowered his enormous cock into the hole so the mouse was able to climb up to safety and the two continued on their way.

Suddenly the elephant fell into a deep hole and was stuck.

"Help me! Help me!" Cried the elephant.

The mouse ran very fast out of the jungle and jumped into his shiny new Maserati. He drove really fast back to the hole where the elephant was trapped, tied his tow rope to the back of the shiny new Maserati and lowered the rope to the elephant. The mouse then jumped back into his shiny new Maserati and towed the elephant out of the hole.

The moral of the story is: you don't need an enormous cock if you have a shiny new Maserati.

And that, son, is why some blokes buy Maseratis...

Mine's the motorcycle jacket, thanks.

[pete]

True, only too true

A sad but true tale indeed. Here in north east USA my sister took her driving lessons --Lo! These many decades ago! -- in a 500+ bhp beast of a Chevrolet, back when such was considered normal. The thing had a tone that still gets my blood moving.

[Charles Champness]

...who pays? you pays!

@AC "I really don't know where they get the funding for this sort of crap"

you know that insurance bill you cough up like a rotten furball every month? that's what pays for this kind of research.

mines the one with the Subaru keys in the pocket, it's not a Maserati, but at least it's not a VW!