back to article Portsmouth punts naval boy-on-boy to innocent kiddies

Avast there and unfurl the Twat-O-Tron ye scurvy landlubbers of Middle England, lest Portsmouth Historic Dockyard make barrel boys of ye all, damn their eyes: Poster for Portsmouth Historic Dockyard Yes indeed, me buckaroos, that's how Portsmouth punts Blighty's nautical heritage, as a suitably shaken Igor Z can attest. Mr Z …


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  1. Chris Byers

    Gives a whole new meaning to 'Jolly Rodger'

    So that's how the flag got it's name!

  2. Tony

    Lets get this out of the way quickly the young bloke probably said

    Let’s get all the obligatory jokes out of the way early:

    Up the poopdeck

    Give him a good flogging

    Anything involving the word 'semen'

    'You're not the first mate'

  3. Frank
    Thumb Down

    Spelling mistakes (and worse)


    I'm sorry but even a humorous article should have correct spelling, please correct this.

    "..a touch o' the cat.."

    This is getting dangerously close to extreme porn so I have to stop reading here and clear my cache.

    More in sorrow than in anger.....etc, etc

  4. Les Matthew

    "a touch o' the cat"

    Sorry, no pussy involved.

  5. Anonymous Coward

    RE: Lets get this out of the way quickly

    You forgot Roger the cabin boy.

  6. Nick


    You've missed the obligatory

    Seamen Staines,

    Roger the Cabin Boy

    Master Bates

    Also, how about,

    Polish the Cannon


    Slide upon my Sword

  7. Sam

    @ Tony

    You forgot "Porthole surprise".

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Viz readers...

    ..will be all too familiar with these sort of shenanigans, I refer of course to "Up the ****!" section!

  9. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
    Paris Hilton

    The reason the guys f**k each other...

    Is because the standard of the young female population is so low.

    Having spent a few years gracing the south coast sh*thole with my presence I can attest to the truly shocking quality of the female population.

    Generally ugly, a loud gibbon-like eloquence and social structure with a propensity for bad language and the drinking of cheap alcohol. Too many small tight tops to proudly show off the flabby results of too much shallow end of the gene pool breeding and eating of junk food to the uneducated chav like male population. It goes without saying that this model for a life is handed down from the elders who generally believe that shouting "Pom-peeeeeeeey" and having those very letters self tatooed onto ones body is the way to bag a quality partner.

    There is also the interesting fashion style called the "Fareham facelift" - this involves the female tying the hair back so tightly it pulls all of the wrinkles out of the face to hide the fat. These pituary retards must think this makes them more attractive, but upon reflection... I beg to differ.

    Paris obviously. She may be a bit wayward but she'd light up the back streets of Stamshaw or Fratton like an angel... until the girls of Portsmouth, with their unevolved frontal lobes beat her up of out of jealousy of course.

  10. Chris Richards

    please please please

    can we have a playmobile recreation of this scene (evidently from bareback seamen 3)

    mine's the one with easy release buttons.

  11. Lewis Page (Written by Reg staff)

    I think the term you were looking for

    Is a lick of the cat, shurely

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I fail to see the problem...

    ... Perhaps I don't have this inane fear of "omg, young man being buggered in picture"...

    Does that mean that this, since it does not come with age warnings, could be considered porn?

    Bad Reg, bad, bad, bad!

  13. dervheid

    Once again, the Royal Navy are...

    coming up from the rear.

    Avast (one) there!

  14. Martin Lyne

    Let's all pretend..

    ..that historic naval life was not like this at all. Sanitised history is CORRECT history.

    Pirates killed raped and pillaged, but they wstill appear in kidds books as just lovable characters. We need to harden our kids. SHOW THEM THE UNDERBELLY!

  15. Paul Crawford Silver badge

    Yes cap'n?

    Should it be a "a taste of the captain's daughter"?

    Mine's the cape & tricorn...

  16. Chris Miller

    Naval tradition

    Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

  17. martin burns

    With a Yo-ho-ho and perhaps, I might venture, a bottle of rum into the bargain?

    I think you mean:

    Aaaaaaahrrrrr Aaaaaaahrrrrr Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrr. Me laddy. The last one up the old sea dog gets a lick of the cat'!


    He may have been only a third-rate sailor, but he made a first-rate second course.

    The one with a stick that comes back, a beard and bottles of Fine Wine in the pocket.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Those famous last words...

    Kiss me Hardy.

  19. Christopher Rogers
    Thumb Up

    @ Viz readers...

    Yes! Excellent suggestion for where this ad should be placed!

  20. Elmer Phud

    learning the ropes

    "Right, next we use the ram rod and shove the load in hard"

    Is it a scene from 'Brokeback Midshipman'?

    Is it improper use of the term 'yard arm'?

    Is this really what's meant by 'naval exercises'?


  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I live in portsmouth..

    and can assure you this picture is correct off a Friday night down the docks.

    AC for so many reasons.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Royal Navy

    Dear Sir,

    I am glad to hear that your readership disapproves of the poster as strongly as I.

    As a naval officer I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for buggery. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. And what do you think the Argylls shagged in Aden. Arabs?

    Yours etc.

    Captain B.J. Smethwick, up the old sea dog, with a lick o' the cat.

  23. Philip Nicholls Silver badge


    written on the wall of my law school bogs :

    "She was only an admiral's daughter but her room was full of discharged semen."

  24. Philip Nicholls Silver badge

    ok one more

    Any of you landlubbers know what a "fid" is?

    Ok no.

    Imagine a truncheon 6 inches long.

    Affectionately known on board as a "ship's boy's starter".


  25. Chris

    I say!

    Arrrrrr! Bring me another cabin boy! This'un be burst...

  26. Olly Simmons


    " I have to stop reading here and clear my cache"

    Call it what you want but it'll make you go blind.

  27. Andrew

    All together now...

    In the navy yes, you can sail the seven seas

  28. Luther Blissett

    @Arsitotle's horse

    Off-topic, and a tad too coherent methinks to make Rant of the Week, but bless anyway.

  29. Sam

    @ Phillip Nichols

    Variation on the theme;

    "She was only an Admiral's daughter, but every night her navel base was full of discharged semen."

    The Sou'wester, ta.

  30. Adam Williamson

    Of course...

    Your average innocent kiddie (anyone seen one lately? Anyone?) wouldn't see anything odd in that picture at all. You're only going to look at it a bit sideways if that sort o' thing is on your mind already.

    Which says a lot for the mentality of your average Daily Mail reader...

  31. Duncan Hothersall

    Portsmouth, you say?

    There'll be an angry mob along any minute I'd have thought. I'll just go and fetch my "Think of the children" placard...

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Nothing but two Republicans getting together in Saint Paul next week

    Come on boys, this is what the GOP has turned into over the past decade, and the Repugs don't seem to have a problem with it, so why should should Her Majesty's Navy?) . There's a couple of recreated 19th century riverboats at the docks in St. Paul where Larry Craig can recreate these scenes with his butt buddies, with Dick (no snickering!) Cheney watches for the coast to be clear

    Paris because she'd be safe with this crowd while the cabin boy's in danger

  33. Frank

    @Olly Simmons re. ...clearing my cache

    I've tried surfing in a sandbox, to help soak it up, but that causes more problems than it solves. (Looks for the Ibuleve painkilling gel........)

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    @Aristotle's Horse

    ...loud gibbon-like eloquence

    Brilliant! Love the moniker, too!

    Well done!

  35. John Uhercik

    Royal Navy?

    The cabin boy, the cabin boy,

    That dirty little nipper...

    He packed his ass

    With shards of glass

    and circumcised the Skipper!

  36. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
    Paris Hilton

    @ Luther Blisset...

    Apologies. But it's a way of purging the mental scars.

    Off topic again though... when the real Luther Blisset used to play for Bournemouth he used to live in Corfe Mullen. His house was called "Far Corfe".

    Work that one out for yourselves.


    Oh what the hell... Paris again as she likes dimwits hung like horses.

  37. Les Matthew
    Thumb Up

    I'm surprised no one has noticed

    that the blonde needs his roots doing. Were there a lot of peroxide blondes in the navy back then?

  38. Anonymous Coward

    @Aristotle's Horse

    You sure you're not from Colorado, mate?

  39. Patrick Bateman

    He's just pulling his rank...

    as a rear admiral...

  40. Will Godfrey Silver badge

    Quite disgraceful

    The poor guy is struggling with the cannon while the other one in the funny hat just totally ignores him.

    ... or have I missed something

  41. gray


    obviously its a scumhampton fan as its in winchester were alot of em live avin a laugh doing it.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    @Patrick Bateman

    Actually, it looks like the middie is pulling it for him.

    Paris, 'cuz she does more than that.

  43. Daniel B.


    The seamen action was funny enough, but oh my, right below it I get the "Don't mess with the Moderatrix" ad as well!!!

  44. heystoopid
    Thumb Up


    Hmmm , an interesting way for the young ladette to stroke a caronade with the port all tightly buttoned up tighter then a kiwi sheeps whatever !

  45. Thomas Kenyon


    I have to whole heartedly disagree with Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse, I have been drinking in Portsmouth many times and there are some fantastic looking women.

  46. Chris G

    Well bugger me!

    ( I didn't mean that) Is this a poster of the modern navy?

    I think they're getting too much from the pubic purse.

  47. rachel


    That is all I am going to say!

  48. Sam

    @ Chris G


    "Ha. -Aarh! You have a woman's purse, My Lord! I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing-boat. I'll wager it's never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it!"

  49. Echowitch
    Paris Hilton

    Aah Pompey

    The picture.......having long ago dated an RN Admiral's daughter I can attest to the fact that anyone in relation to the Royal Navy ALWAYS does it "Navy style on the Poop Deck". And there's always plenty of "seamen" ;)

    To Aristoles.....clearly you have been there and now the place well. I grew up in Havant, (monumental shit hole that it is which makes me so glad I live in Surrey now.) and yes the "females" of the area are generally either stick thin anorexic chav twigs with the "Fareham facelift", or fat gobby fakkiiiiin caaaawwsss with the same hair do, and half a dozen kids by different fathers. There are a few, and I stress few exceptions. Mostly the minority of the population that aren't chav's.

    Although saying that there are a number of the female chavs that if you scrapped off the cheap plastered on makeup, scrubbed off the cheap tarty perfume that they seem to bath in, unplastered their hair and got them out of the slapper clothes, they would actually pass as quite attractive young women. Sadly they won't. Perhaps someone would like to perform a massed "My Fair Lady" on Pompey ??

    Won't someone think of the children - Aah the Paulsgrove Paedophile riots. A thoroughly entertaining event to everyone local when contacted by people from other area's of the country commenting in shock at the "cars on fire, people being dragged from their homes and beaten up by mistake" and being advised that Paulsgrove is always like that. (Ok so there were 2 cars on fire in comparison to the normal 1 car on fire.) The best part is when I learned that the women in charge of the protesters was arrested right after giving an interview to the BBC for child neglect. She's left her 2 year old at home alone and it had gotten out of the house and was found running in the middle of the street naked. (A thoroughly dangerous thing to do because of all the boy racers round there.) People I know at Portsmouth City Council advised me that this particular woman was not fit to lead such a protest as she had a rap sheet with Social Services for child neglect and child abuse as long as your arm, and had had her children taken away from her several times. Which of course by Paulsgrove standards makes her a model mother lol

    I went back to Pompey over the weekend and ended up having to email a friend when I got home to check and see if Pompey really was as run down and crap looking as I saw it, or if I was comparing it to a rose tinted memory of Pompey after living in lovely clean Surrey for the last 8 years.

    Paris as she's probably done it Navy style and loves Seamen ;)

  50. Samantha Clinton

    @ Chris Miller

    Winston Churchill forgot to mention the illegal drugs...

  51. michael

    can not call them that now

    cabin boy and seaman are out

    they need to be cabin person and seaperson

    mines the one with "pc" on the bacl

  52. Samantha Clinton

    @ Chris G

    If they stuck to the pubic purse, there would be less allegations of raging homosexuality...

  53. Peter Day

    An olde sea-shanty

    I am sure not all sailors are that way inclined as the following verse from an old sea-shanty illustrates:

    “The kitchen maid her name was Mable

    And every week if she was able

    She gave the crew their weekly screw

    Upon the kitchen table.”

  54. Walking Turtle

    Apocryphal Attribution (Admiralty?)

    "It has been brought to the attention of the Admiralty that Sodomy is being practiced by enlisted sailors of Her Majesty's Navy while on duty. This practice shall cease immediately - or We shall /discontinue/ it."

    Emphasis on the phrase, "while on duty", of course.

    It's allegedly authentic Admiralty writ from HM Victoria's illustrious era, tho' picked up Stateside - the pic makes a fine reminder. Does much to reinforce Mr. Churchill's expressed impression as well at first glance, must say.

    Jolly Roger's close but not a precise fit... Arghhh, lettit go...

  55. Portsmouth Historic Dockyard

    From Portsmouth Historic Dockyard

    Portsmouth Historic Dockyard is delighted, if a little surprised, at all the interest our latest billboard campaign has received. The image used in this billboard was produced 2 years ago in all innocence, but with the hindsight provided by its recent online coverage I can now see that we might have chosen the camera angle a little better!

    Whilst I can't see us using the same image on future billboards, it's great to see an attraction as important to Britain's heritage as Portsmouth Historic Dockyard reaching a wider audience. We hope that some of the readers of The Register are encouraged to learn more about us from our website at or even come and visit us for themselves.

  56. spiny norman

    Fred Wedlock

    The captain's name was Gladys and he wore a dress of red

    Which could have been the reason why he was not marr-eye-ed.

    He was a gay old sea bitch and it was his favourite joy

    To take a turn around the deck with the handsome cabin boy.

  57. Michael Dunn

    Appropriate News Section

    Interesting that you chose to put this item in the "Odds and Sods News"!

  58. rachel

    @ 'Pompeygray'

    First and foremost Mr Zed does not live in Winchester - I do! How do I know this? Because I was with him when the photo was taken, and completely horrified and distraught might I add ;) Not a smidgen of a Southampton fan in sight I'm affraid, why would it have to be about football? Is that all you think about? But then I suppose you are a Pompey fan! Winchester is a great place to live - it has culture and is a bit more than a beer, curry and a fight, Oh and the girls are much hotter and we can spell!!

  59. Terry

    Slightly unfortunate


    I notice the name on the billboard is TITAN (tight 'un).

  60. Mr Ropey
    Gates Halo


    You obviously don't hail from either Highcliffe, Springvale or Stanmore!

  61. Paul Freeland

    Fond memories

    Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse wrote:

    "Generally ugly, a loud gibbon-like eloquence and social structure with a propensity for bad language and the drinking of cheap alcohol. Too many small tight tops to proudly show off the flabby results of too much shallow end of the gene pool breeding and eating of junk food to the uneducated chav like male population. It goes without saying that this model for a life is handed down from the elders who generally believe that shouting "Pom-peeeeeeeey" and having those very letters self tatooed onto ones body is the way to bag a quality partner."

    Ahhh, the joys of a "run ashore in Pompey" ....... A few beers in the "Still and West", Trap some local talent then off to Southsea for a vindaloo in the Golden West curry house, the simple pleasures of life in a blue suit.

    Space Invaders cos the Pickled Onion flavour is the best!

  62. Mr Natural

    passed on to a wider public

    I did send this to but it was returned for some less that suitably humourous reason after the suggestion that it might be used as some humour / parody / obsucre interest program

    neer mind, i suspect the recepient was just having a bad hair day or lack of humour day.

    needless to say it was never stated as to here that hair might be ...



  63. rachel

    @ Mr Ropley

    Perish the thought!

  64. Twm Davies

    There used to be a Siemens office in Staines

    The front desk used to answer the phones with "Good morning, Siemens Staines".

  65. robbie


    "Sorry son, that was a roll of the ship."

    "It felt more like a roll of linoleum."

  66. Dave Harris Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    another one...

    The Captain, he's so good to us

    He dipped his prick in phosphorous

    It shined a light

    All through the night

    And steered us through the Bosforus

    (thumbs down, because Admiral Aubrey would never have stood for it)

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