My problems are solved at last!
Should I have taken the red pill or the blue pill?
Those among you who are still adrift on the sea of life - despite our resident Agony Aunt's best efforts to guide you to the shores of sanity - will be relieved to learn that the Moderatrix has once again opened the door of her basement boudoir to offer spiritual succour to the needy. So, if you've ever wondered whether time …
Every time I open the car door on my lovely Nissan Almera, I receive the most terrible electric shock. I'm considering changing my lovely nylon slacks for a pair of corduroys in an attempt to resolve the problem but find the idea of actually going to a shop to try on trousers baffling and not a little frightening.
Can you recommend a reliable website with a good range of static-resistant corduroys, preferably Teflon coated, with a 50" waist?
PS It's my birthday tomorrow. Does anyone want to come to my birthday party? Anyone?
Why do people always have to wave their e-peens about which online game is best (commonly seen between EVE-Online & World of Warcraft players, amoungst other), or about their 'I'm ex-level hahahahaha'? Is this because they've never grown up or is something more sinister at work here?
The planet is in turmoil, children are being tested on what powers solar powers snails, superbugs rampage through hospitals leaving carnage in their wake, to much sun gives you cancer, to much sun cream gives you cancer, governments hyping terror threats and encroaching on civil liberties, every day there is something new that can or wants to kill you...
Many are saying the apocalypse is coming and we are all doomed so I thought I would ask the most vital question I can think of... what motorbike do you think I should buy next?
"if you've ever wondered whether time is indeed an effect of gravity"
Time is the 4th dimension. The universe is expanding. It is expanding into the 4th dimension. This movement in the 4th dimension is experienced as the passage of time. Gravity curves space, the local curvature affects how quickly a local region is expanding in the 4th dimension hence gravity changes how we experience time.
I think I learnt this in my physics GCSE while we were doing general relativity.
I'm currently on the payroll of a largish consulting company, but there doesn't appear to be any work for me or any of my colleagues in our specialist area (bureaucratic government stationery redesign).
Do you know anywhere else that could I get a job using my skills: section numbering, making boxes that are just slightly too small to fit all the answer into, dense incomprehensible jargon including but not limited to descriptions of what to do when clause A applies clause B does not and clause C is in the supplementary paperwork that needs to be ordered separately with a SAE sent to the address listed in form 1022V/ii (this form has been Crystal-Mark approved)
Since my wife morphed into an adept Starcraft (I) player I refer to her as 'My Little Zergling'. Further, she presently approves of the term.
Yet, after a brief period of inward chuckling, I find I am uncomfortable in these lofty heights of the nerdosphere.
It must stop! What is to be done?
PS. Please don't forbid me/us to play Starcraft II. Anything, *anything* but that...
Can you explain why BMW drivers don't seem to understand what Indicators are for nor how they function?
Can you also explain why some BMW drivers seem to think that they are no longer BMW drivers since they sold the BMW and bought an AUDI?
Finally, is there any chance of me getting a bill through Parliament that would institute a BMW Drivers hunting season?
A T-mobile Nokia 6650 to review? I'll accept payment in afternoon beers, plus 17.5% extra in peanuts.
Oh, and I have a younger female friend [she's old enough to drink legally - I'm not that bad] who seems to be really quite enamoured with me. Her on-again/off-again boyfriend has habit of being a complete tit with her and hurting her all the time, whereupon she comes to me for support. She's a good lass and could do far better.
My question is, should I convince her to chuck the bloke, and then take her for myself?
If I *do* take advantage of her trust in me, will I go to hell for it?
Oh mighty Moderatrix, I pray you shall push your opinion on me and force me to comply with the aid of nipple clamps and the cat o' nine tails.
The fact that you would recommend a man requiring trousers with a 50" waist should jump in the air shows you do not have the required qualifications to be an Agony Aunt.
I suggest you crawl back into your hole before the Moderatrix returns and beats you to a damp pulp - unless that's you thing.
I met some chap(esse)s from the Inquirer a couple of nights ago, and (after informing me of the early cloning of the original organ) who seemed to claim they were holier than though, and worse, that they were funnier (no mention was made of journalistic integrity or quality).
Should I believe them and start to read their pages, or should I stay with what I know best and love most?
It's obvious not to mix leather and latex, but is wearing a gasmask over leather an exception ?
What do you do when you've cuffed yer loved one, and forget to take of his/her bra ?
And on a more practical level: how the h3ll can you make latex clothes shine as much as they do in the pictures ? They always go dull after a few minutes, even with provided sprays. (and silicone spray is not an option for latex stockings when you have a nice hardwood floor. trust me on this one.)
...chewing gum really lose it's flavour on the bedpost over night?
Is there really a moose loose aboot this hoose?
And more seriously why did the moderatrix sensor my perfectly sensible, albeit sexist and condescending, analogy between windows versions and seasonal variations in women's shoe colours?
I and a select group of acquaintences find ourselves currently embroiled in argument as to whether to undergo the trauma of yet another upgrade to a product that, although beloved by it's adherents, tends to break under the slew of successive post-release patches, not to mention that this product has a tendency to make all the published supplimental documentation obsolete with each release (despite promises to the contrary by the manufacturer), forcing an expensive re-education process and a library rebuild. We have split along partisan lines over this and cannot reach a consensus and so turn to you for the definitive answer:
Should we buy the new 5th edition of Warhammer 40K or stick with the (now widely seen as broken) 4th edition?
That's simple. Once they've put the headlights on full beam and turned on the front and rear fog lights (personally I think BMWs cars come hardwired like this) then the feeble battery doesn't have enough juice left for the indicators. I believe some Porsches also suffered from this.
PS - the function of the kidney is to filter the really nasty crap out of the blood and therefore it is absolutely heaving with potentially dangerous substances. It gets its own dish to minimise the risk of cross contamination with more tasty bits like the heart, liver, brain and chianti-dribbled flesh of the dominatrix.
Why are there so many negative words in English, which look like they should have a positive version but don't? Like uncouth, dishevelled, disperse and so on. Is there a secret place that is forever England, whose happy people are couth and hevelled, as they perse together? Or is it just that English people are negative bastards?
The actual reason for the lack of indicators is purely down to a design fault, when designing the front light clusters, they only left room for the car to have either indicators or blinding headlights. This is given as an option when the car is purchased, you either have indicators or blinding headlights.
If looking around for a car and someone tries to sell you a BMW, just thank them and advise that your driving is not that bad
What time is love?
Why is it that I can get up whenever I want, except on a Wednesday?
I dig TV, remote controll, the furry freak brothers and the twilight zone, marval and DC, run DMC, renegade soundware and AC/DC. What are you into?
If someone is twisting my melon, what should I do?
Who am I? Where am I? Why do I feel this way?
As Friday is the day the Americans celebrate independence from Britain, perhaps it's fitting to ask whether they got the best of the deal or whether the Brits have the last laugh. After all, they now have the IRS to deal with (self-inflicted as well!), and that must be far worse than HM Tax inspectors.
Do the staffers at El Reg ever take amanfromMars down to the pub? Does he get free pints at the pub when drinking with Vultures? Does he buy the odd round? What kind 'o beer do he drink?
Are his posts formatted the way they are because of your tender RL moderating?
We need to be told!
dear moderatrix, for years I've heard rumours of a thing called a "woman" aparently they're like guys, but you can have a different type of fun with them. Where can I find one of these "women" especially one that understands the importance of being home in time to watch doctor who.
i thought the scruffies and eddies crowd never got on... (when the bennefit gig was announced in scruffies the dj played "sway" by coal chamber) ...or am i confusing them with snobs/ramshackle?
re: arse antlers
no. Heavyness of music does not affect them. However, the number of tats in *other* places does indeed increase, although you see the metalwork first. Arse antlers tend to be on the ones who like normal fashion, and are trying out the goth look for a weekend.... what dya mean that was flame bait? :P
i got half a degree in software engineering (cough java for dummies cough). am stuck in a non it job. should i jump ship and try to get a proper programming job? or waste another year to finish the degree, then get told i cant get a job because i dont have any experience?
Any advice on trying to put a software portfolio together vs finishing the degree?
that (in private circles), some of your closest acquaintences refer to you as the LOFH, the single mother of Simon?
If so, did he inherit those twisted tendencies that are often reported on a Friday afternoon (except during a couple of weeks in the summer when he's partial to a vacation) from you (I'll place myself at your mercy), or was it because he was picked on at school and called Simple?
It is noted that overly competetive men are said to "measure their dicks" when squaring up against each other. Is there any truth to the rumour that similarly competetive females "measure their breasts"; and if so, do you know where any of these breast measuring competitions might be taking place at about 11.30PM this evening?
Apologies for the fairly acute angle of IT in this post, and for the fairly inaccurate usage of a semi colon... so I'll just throw in the word "teraflop" for completeness and ignore the punctuation police.
Dear Ms Moderatix,
I am a lonely female engineer working in a man's world and it's not a good place to be. Why does there have to be a 2 in gap between top of shoe and bottom of trouser leg of your average male engineer? Why is deodorant outlawed (along with shower and clean shreddies I suspect)? Why, if you smile politely at yet another geeky tale, it's taken as a come-on and then you are stalked by geeky tale-teller? Why is co-ordinating colour shirt and tie so difficult? How the hell did some of these men manage to pull and marry women and then create offspring (oh, that image just after breakfast - shudder)? Why don't tall, good looking men go into engineering? Should I really have to sell out and put up with a man whose only involvement with technology is to turn on his HD Plasma, sit in front of it with his hands down his pants, belching along to MTV videos?
Sad and lonely in Auld Reekie
Why is it that people ask about the predominance of arse antler tattoos increasing with the heaviness of music when in fact the reverse is true?
Empirical evidence from a few recent experiences:
Rammstein gig: none
Soil gig: none
Godhead gig: none
Soulfly gig: none
Sepultura gig: none
Iron Maiden gig: quite a few (*look, I went for Trivium supporting, OK??*)
Red Hot Chilli Peppers gig: enough to make my eyes bleed...
I was recently introduced to the delights of Playmobil(tm) Pr0n when it started appearing on a well-known IT news website. Now I stay up to the early hours of the morning scouring the internet for further examples. Should I sue the website in question for poisoning my mind in this fashion ?
Playmobil Hilton ?
Due to a heavy increase in white noise that others call work I missed this article yesterday, as such am I too late or can I just squeeze a little one in?
Who thought of the term Camel Toe?
What is the English fascination with the hankie?
And finally: Do you stroke the buttons on your keyboard or do you press them quite firmly?
I am due to be getting married in September. Back in the day, I was a regular ladies man, and had a massive issue with fidelity. In fact, my wife to be is the only relationship I’ve had where I have been faithful (hookers don’t count, and neither do one night stands in other countries). This week though I have been Facebooked by no less than four ex girlfriends, all of which want to meet up in order to “catch up”. I know for a fact that catching up involves dipping my wick in their candle holder. This presents me with quite a dilemma.
Anyway, my question to you is, should I stick with Windows XP on my gaming rig or upgrade to Vista?
Thanks in advance for your response.
> deodorant outlawed ... co-ordinating colour shirt and tie so difficult?
Are you sure you're working with geeks, and haven't strayed into a French marketing convention in error?
> Why don't tall, good looking men go into engineering?
I like to put my WinXPPro taskbar to the side of the desktop, as I have a 2-monitor system. Why does it regularly reset to the default 'bottom' configuration after a reboot? Also, when I set the language bar to not be displayed, after a reboot it returns. Any solutions?
What?? Might as well get some useful info while she's here!
If you have a problem, then this is an easy double.
Otherwise, in any major UK house of sin using 6 decks/doubleATC/split any pairs, it's usually a hit iirc (but I've not played for a while and not learnt the new charts since sept 1st rule change)
For some rulesets, it's a stand.
Obviously this is count- and shuffle-track dependant.
Egg. Something non-chicken (but very closely related) laid an egg. Due to genetic-mutations during the gestation period this became a chicken.
It's very simple. Very easy to understand.
NOW CAN WE PLEASE STOP ASKING SUCH STUPID QUESTIONS?
Oh, Re: Alan Parsons. Congrats. Me too. Isn't it great?
"Which came first then, the chicken or the egg?"
The chicken and egg appeared simultaneously at the whim of an omnipotent being. Alternatively, the chicken appeared fully-formed and laid an egg later. So either "neither" or "chicken"
There was a point where the antecedant of the chicken stopped being a "chicken antecedant" and became a "chicken". The egg that chicken hatched from would have come before the chicken, hence the egg came first.
No-one knows the difference between You're and Your because of terrorism and paedophiles.
Actually, it's because the teachers don't know / don't care about the appropriate use of apostrophes and grammar/spelling at Primary School level. They and later educators also refuse to pull kids up on their use of the English language- when I was at school there was a phonetically-spelt report that got a B in English because it gave the right answers when you read it out. My perfectly written, well structured report got a C because it didn't convey the entire meaning of the poem we'd just read.
Another bugbear of mine is effect/affect and the use of apostrophes for plurals. Also, not using "owner" apostrophes (i.e. Jim's dog rather than Jims' dog).
Ah, well. At least the Grammar police's has no affect on myselfs life.