back to article The Moderatrix will see you now

Those among you who are still adrift on the sea of life - despite our resident Agony Aunt's best efforts to guide you to the shores of sanity - will be relieved to learn that the Moderatrix has once again opened the door of her basement boudoir to offer spiritual succour to the needy. So, if you've ever wondered whether time …

COMMENTS

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My problems are solved at last!

    Dear leather-clad-advice-dispensing-queen-of-pain:

    Should I have taken the red pill or the blue pill?

  2. Bad Pritt
    IT Angle

    Where's the IT angle?

    (snicker)

  3. Mike Crawshaw

    If Truth is Beauty And Beauty is Truth...

    Does that mean that Jordan is a gargantuanly huge fib?

  4. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Where's the IT angle?

    Strike one, Mr Pritt. That joke is beneath someone with such a very amusing nom de net.

  5. M
    Alert

    Ok Truth time.

    I heard from another website that you are actually General Zod. Is this true?

    From,

    Kneeling Mark.

  6. Les Matthew

    What I find really scarey

    Is that "The Moderatrix" appears to have had a boob removal job and looks a bit butch to say the least.

  7. Rob Jones

    So, what do cow's know that we don't?

    I mean, they're always lying down when it rains and all.

  8. Richard
    Coat

    Question of the Year

    I'm a level 70 Blood Elf Paladin. should I re-roll as a death knight when the new expansion comes out?

    Coat!! I don't wear a Coat, I stay in on the computer all the time

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Heart

    Shocking

    Dear Moderatrix,

    Every time I open the car door on my lovely Nissan Almera, I receive the most terrible electric shock. I'm considering changing my lovely nylon slacks for a pair of corduroys in an attempt to resolve the problem but find the idea of actually going to a shop to try on trousers baffling and not a little frightening.

    Can you recommend a reliable website with a good range of static-resistant corduroys, preferably Teflon coated, with a 50" waist?

    PS It's my birthday tomorrow. Does anyone want to come to my birthday party? Anyone?

  10. Pavlovs well trained dog

    if there is rain

    If the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain

    where would the most painful spot be, if one was forced to wear red underwear on a saturday?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    @ AC with Almera troubles

    No need to bother the Moderatrix, simply make sure you walk to the car, do a small jump in the air and WHILE STILL IN THE AIR touch the bodywork.

    When you land, the static will dissipate through the soles of your feet (i.e. large surface area and therefore painless).

  12. Mitch Kent
    Coat

    Chuck

    How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck norris?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Online Games

    Dear Moderatrix,

    Why do people always have to wave their e-peens about which online game is best (commonly seen between EVE-Online & World of Warcraft players, amoungst other), or about their 'I'm ex-level hahahahaha'? Is this because they've never grown up or is something more sinister at work here?

  14. Tom

    Safety Word?

    Whats your safety word during your depraved acts? is it:

    geeky > "SUDO HALT"?

    nerdy > "PI"? #

    strange > "ULLA, ULLA, ULLA"

    etc

  15. Ash
    Heart

    Moderatrix,

    Are you free Friday night? XL's shut about 5 years ago, but there are still some decent rock clubs in Birmingham. A night in Scruffy Murphy's followed by some classic / hard rock at The Newt, then back to yours for some cuffs, chains, whips, and leather.

    Come on baby, let's go.

  16. Paul
    Pirate

    Were all doomed

    The planet is in turmoil, children are being tested on what powers solar powers snails, superbugs rampage through hospitals leaving carnage in their wake, to much sun gives you cancer, to much sun cream gives you cancer, governments hyping terror threats and encroaching on civil liberties, every day there is something new that can or wants to kill you...

    Many are saying the apocalypse is coming and we are all doomed so I thought I would ask the most vital question I can think of... what motorbike do you think I should buy next?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wow that was a long wait

    I appear to have gone into hibernate mode.

    Please can you press my Power Button

  18. Sean

    Lower Back Tattoo

    Tramp Stamp or Artistic Expression?

  19. Dave

    @Tom

    It's 'Kangaroo' surely ??

  20. Dave
    IT Angle

    What's the IT Angle?

    I assume it's somewhere between 0 and 360 degrees? I'd guess at 42 for obvious reasons.

  21. smell fresher

    Time

    "if you've ever wondered whether time is indeed an effect of gravity"

    Time is the 4th dimension. The universe is expanding. It is expanding into the 4th dimension. This movement in the 4th dimension is experienced as the passage of time. Gravity curves space, the local curvature affects how quickly a local region is expanding in the 4th dimension hence gravity changes how we experience time.

    I think I learnt this in my physics GCSE while we were doing general relativity.

  22. Steve
    Coat

    Safety words?

    Who ever needs anything other than PLUGH and XYZZY ?

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Choosing the Right Question

    Dearest Moderatrix,

    Why is it that all the girls I like either don't like me, or have severe emotional problems that raise their ugly heads when you start getting settled?

    How do I find my perfect woman?

    Your gracious servant.

    GW

  24. Michael
    Heart

    Career Advice

    I'm currently on the payroll of a largish consulting company, but there doesn't appear to be any work for me or any of my colleagues in our specialist area (bureaucratic government stationery redesign).

    Do you know anywhere else that could I get a job using my skills: section numbering, making boxes that are just slightly too small to fit all the answer into, dense incomprehensible jargon including but not limited to descriptions of what to do when clause A applies clause B does not and clause C is in the supplementary paperwork that needs to be ordered separately with a SAE sent to the address listed in form 1022V/ii (this form has been Crystal-Mark approved)

    Ta muchly.

  25. Paul
    Happy

    If you were..

    a potato, which type would you be?

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    OK

    If there REALLY is a God, why did S/He make Paris Hilton?

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    My Wife is a Zergling

    Dear Moderatrix,

    Since my wife morphed into an adept Starcraft (I) player I refer to her as 'My Little Zergling'. Further, she presently approves of the term.

    Yet, after a brief period of inward chuckling, I find I am uncomfortable in these lofty heights of the nerdosphere.

    It must stop! What is to be done?

    Yours,

    PS. Please don't forbid me/us to play Starcraft II. Anything, *anything* but that...

  28. Michael
    Coat

    Biology homework

    I'm revising for my A-level Biology exam, and can't work out the answer to one of the questions on the sample papers I'm using:

    11. b) Why is the kidney the only organ to get it's own dish?

  29. Steven Foster

    Dear Moderatrix

    What is love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more, etc)

  30. Big_Boomer Silver badge
    Pirate

    Driving me round the bend!

    Can you explain why BMW drivers don't seem to understand what Indicators are for nor how they function?

    Can you also explain why some BMW drivers seem to think that they are no longer BMW drivers since they sold the BMW and bought an AUDI?

    Finally, is there any chance of me getting a bill through Parliament that would institute a BMW Drivers hunting season?

  31. Steven Raith
    Paris Hilton

    Would you like...

    A T-mobile Nokia 6650 to review? I'll accept payment in afternoon beers, plus 17.5% extra in peanuts.

    Oh, and I have a younger female friend [she's old enough to drink legally - I'm not that bad] who seems to be really quite enamoured with me. Her on-again/off-again boyfriend has habit of being a complete tit with her and hurting her all the time, whereupon she comes to me for support. She's a good lass and could do far better.

    My question is, should I convince her to chuck the bloke, and then take her for myself?

    And

    If I *do* take advantage of her trust in me, will I go to hell for it?

    Oh mighty Moderatrix, I pray you shall push your opinion on me and force me to comply with the aid of nipple clamps and the cat o' nine tails.

    Steven R

  32. pctechxp

    Why

    When I see comments on the reg that are pure drivel am I compelled to respond?

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Michael

    Retrain as a LISP programmer.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Re: @ AC with Almera troubles

    The fact that you would recommend a man requiring trousers with a 50" waist should jump in the air shows you do not have the required qualifications to be an Agony Aunt.

    I suggest you crawl back into your hole before the Moderatrix returns and beats you to a damp pulp - unless that's you thing.

  35. Mike Westmacott

    A little inquiry

    I met some chap(esse)s from the Inquirer a couple of nights ago, and (after informing me of the early cloning of the original organ) who seemed to claim they were holier than though, and worse, that they were funnier (no mention was made of journalistic integrity or quality).

    Should I believe them and start to read their pages, or should I stay with what I know best and love most?

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    questions...

    It's obvious not to mix leather and latex, but is wearing a gasmask over leather an exception ?

    What do you do when you've cuffed yer loved one, and forget to take of his/her bra ?

    And on a more practical level: how the h3ll can you make latex clothes shine as much as they do in the pictures ? They always go dull after a few minutes, even with provided sprays. (and silicone spray is not an option for latex stockings when you have a nice hardwood floor. trust me on this one.)

  37. Richard
    Go

    Destruction list

    When are you going to let Andrew Orlowski have his Optimus Prime back?

    Now that he's destroyed Terminal 5 and Croydon, where will the Moderatrix be sending him before a final showdown with Megatron? Based on his current trajectory, I'd be worried if I lived in Sevenoaks...

  38. Why

    Out of fashion advice...

    Seditionaries bondage trousers or Granny takes a trip flares?

  39. Guy
    Happy

    Best Toy for Dioramas

    I of course realise the current trend is for Play Mobile, which is all well and good.

    But seriously wouldn't Lego be better?

    Oh and megablox doesn't count, it is the inferior 3rd cousin who doesn't get invited to parties as it just doesn't fit in correctly.

  40. Michael Habel Silver badge
    Coat

    So who's going to replace Who?

    and is DT really leaveing?

    I'd be sorry to see him go....

    The One with the Stalk of Celery on it!!

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Help

    How many farts a day is considered normal?

    Thank you for you help.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Does...

    ...chewing gum really lose it's flavour on the bedpost over night?

    Is there really a moose loose aboot this hoose?

    And more seriously why did the moderatrix sensor my perfectly sensible, albeit sexist and condescending, analogy between windows versions and seasonal variations in women's shoe colours?

  43. blackworx

    Tongue

    What does this taste like?

  44. vale
    Thumb Up

    CSS vs Tables

    What is your opinion? CSS or Tables on my website?

    Can you do my website for me? I will repay you in anyway you deem fit?

    P.S Can I keep my meatballs?

  45. Stevie Silver badge

    New Releases and Document Version Hell

    Dear Moderatrix,

    I and a select group of acquaintences find ourselves currently embroiled in argument as to whether to undergo the trauma of yet another upgrade to a product that, although beloved by it's adherents, tends to break under the slew of successive post-release patches, not to mention that this product has a tendency to make all the published supplimental documentation obsolete with each release (despite promises to the contrary by the manufacturer), forcing an expensive re-education process and a library rebuild. We have split along partisan lines over this and cannot reach a consensus and so turn to you for the definitive answer:

    Should we buy the new 5th edition of Warhammer 40K or stick with the (now widely seen as broken) 4th edition?

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    re. Driving me round the bend!

    "Can you also explain why some BMW drivers seem to think that they are no longer BMW drivers since they sold the BMW and bought an AUDI?"

    Easy; BMW and Audi drivers are interchangeable as both cars register the same high reading on the Top Gear Cock-o-meter (TM).

  47. Rob
    Boffin

    personal pronouns

    why do people who want to be seen as non-sexist not realise that using "she" or "s/he" instead of "them" "they" & "their" makes them look like twats?

  48. Steve
    Alert

    Ms Moderatrix

    Please tell me

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains, and why do pens only leak when they are in your pocket?

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    re. Help

    "How many farts a day is considered normal?"

    One, but it shouldn't last for more than twelve hours, otherwise seek medical advice and stay away from naked flames.

    I said avoid naked flames!!!

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Note to Miss M.

    I just appreciated that you have filed this under the Bootnotes section (long and rear-zipped would be nice).

    Will you be promoted to the Dom-Editor soon?

  51. Steve Mason
    Heart

    The Environment Agenda

    Is global warming behind the latest drive to cut energy usage? Or is it simply that we are running out of oil (my preferred explanation behind the CO2 crap flying around) ?

    Much obliged!

  52. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Driving me round the bend!

    That's simple. Once they've put the headlights on full beam and turned on the front and rear fog lights (personally I think BMWs cars come hardwired like this) then the feeble battery doesn't have enough juice left for the indicators. I believe some Porsches also suffered from this.

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    OMG - What if Paris Hilton actually IS God?

    PS - the function of the kidney is to filter the really nasty crap out of the blood and therefore it is absolutely heaving with potentially dangerous substances. It gets its own dish to minimise the risk of cross contamination with more tasty bits like the heart, liver, brain and chianti-dribbled flesh of the dominatrix.

  54. Kwac

    sausages

    Isn't frying sausages in space dangerous (globules of hot fat floating off and blocking up air vents & HAL's memory)?

    So why did they invent Teflon?

  55. Fluffykins

    Cue Aunt

    Did anyone else have a flash of unfortunate misread there?

  56. Kieron McCann
    Alert

    Can you tell me...

    number of women sporting arse antlers goes up in proportion to the heaviness of the music played at a rock/metal concert?

  57. PT

    Gambling Problem

    Dear Moderatrix, please help me with my gambling problem.

    I have an ace and a six - the dealer's up card is a seven. What should I do?

  58. Neil Hoskins

    How does...

    ...the feller who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?

  59. Michael O'Malley

    Negatives

    Why are there so many negative words in English, which look like they should have a positive version but don't? Like uncouth, dishevelled, disperse and so on. Is there a secret place that is forever England, whose happy people are couth and hevelled, as they perse together? Or is it just that English people are negative bastards?

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Given that Time is infinite

    and also given that God is infinite

    how many of the geeks reading this are expecting a Toast-related question?

  61. Andy G
    Stop

    @ Michael Habel & the Moderatrix

    Why is it that DT is referred to by the female populous as David Ten-Inch ??

  62. Pete James

    Dearest Cousin Andrea

    If I unscrewed my belly button would my arse fall off?

  63. Pyros

    Some culinary advice

    What goes well with fresh alligator? (Paynes Prarie is doing its usual seasonal flooding, and I accidentally ran over one of its locals on my way to my relatives in Gainesville, FL.)

    Your gator-hide chaps will be in the mail once they cure properly.

  64. Peter Ingram
    Thumb Up

    Schrödinger's Fight

    Dear Moderatrix,

    In a battle, to the death, who would win: Yourself, or Mr. Norris?

  65. Guy
    Alert

    Re: Driving me round the bend!

    The actual reason for the lack of indicators is purely down to a design fault, when designing the front light clusters, they only left room for the car to have either indicators or blinding headlights. This is given as an option when the car is purchased, you either have indicators or blinding headlights.

    If looking around for a car and someone tries to sell you a BMW, just thank them and advise that your driving is not that bad

  66. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    rather, the question should be:

    Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?

    Spank me now.

  67. Steve Mann

    Carbon Footprint

    Could not the world's perceived problems vis-a-vis excess carbon be solved by sequestering it in large amounts of graphite sports equipment?

    Surely the answer to the Runaway Greenhouse is the Driver Mountain or the undersea Squash Racket Reef?

  68. Anonymous Coward
    Pirate

    Important Question!

    I am at wits end can you please help me?! Scotch or Rye? Neat or on ice? Mixed or straight?

  69. Tim Bergel
    Thumb Up

    @Lower Back Tattoo

    No - "Arse antlers"

  70. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Dear Moderatrix,

    Do I have to be a member of Formula 1 management team before I can converse with you?

  71. Tim Wolfe-Barry

    RE: Negatives

    Couth is a word.

    So apparently (it turns out) is Pedant.

    Is it the weekend yet?

  72. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is it safe?

    ...

    Is it safe?

  73. Peyton
    Heart

    ahhh, would love to know

    I, personally, go mad for ladies with a British accent. What are The Moderatrix's feelings on American accents?

    corollary question: Do you ever administer your brand of discipline State-side?? =D

  74. RW
    Thumb Up

    Simple questions deserving simple answers

    1. Why do so many el Reg regulars confuse "moderatrix" with "dominatrix"?

    2. What size gloves do you wear?

    3. Do you have synthetic nitrile rubber gloves on hand, or should I bring my own? I am allergic to natural latex.

  75. pctechxp

    Another question

    Which came first then, the chicken or the egg?

  76. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    I find it all......

    a bit chilly on the whole.

    Do you feel the same way?

  77. Moonwolf
    Coat

    @AC re Questions

    Try a silicone lube instead of the spray, something like Eros.

    So I was wondering ...

    Why is the middle of the road?

    Mine's the catsuit

  78. Herby

    Simple question(s):

    What is the meaning of life?

    Why is life a terminal disease?

    Should I change my mantra from "What is life, but to live it"?

    Have you ever met the BOFH?

    ---Anxious

  79. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Enema at the Gates"

    I spotted said cinematographic edition at a local car boot sale recently and wondered..is this film set just ouside Seatle ?

  80. J
    Thumb Up

    @Tim Wolfe-Barry

    "Is it the weekend yet?"

    Here in Amerika, nearly there! :-D

  81. Pyros

    Hrmm...

    What is the Moderatix's opinion regarding the legendary Internet Oracle?

    http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/index.cgi

  82. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Please please tell me now, is there something I should know?

    What time is love?

    Why is it that I can get up whenever I want, except on a Wednesday?

    I dig TV, remote controll, the furry freak brothers and the twilight zone, marval and DC, run DMC, renegade soundware and AC/DC. What are you into?

    If someone is twisting my melon, what should I do?

    Who am I? Where am I? Why do I feel this way?

  83. Chris G Silver badge

    If?

    If yesterday was going to be tomorrow, would tomorrow be today?

  84. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    First date etiquette

    Is it considered bad form to take both whip & handcuffs on a first date?

    I ask because whenever I do, I never get asked on a 2nd.

  85. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Jesus

    Why did jesus die on the cross ??? because he didnt have a safety word

  86. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    @RW, 16:52

    Allergic to latex? You poor, poor man.

    *pities*

  87. Dave

    Independence Day

    As Friday is the day the Americans celebrate independence from Britain, perhaps it's fitting to ask whether they got the best of the deal or whether the Brits have the last laugh. After all, they now have the IRS to deal with (self-inflicted as well!), and that must be far worse than HM Tax inspectors.

  88. Niall
    Coat

    Dotsie or Sadie

    Which of the Agony Aunts are you?

    I'd ask Terry but you know what he's like for remembering names.

  89. Hig Hurtenflurst
    Boffin

    Why do we have boffins...

    ... if they can't invent something environmentally amusing like a carbon-based sole? (shoe component that is, not fish)

  90. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    My boss no longer loves me

    My boss loves his servers and mainframes more than me. What should I do?

  91. Neil Woolford

    Chipping away.

    Are you on the level?

  92. Trevor Pott Gold badge
    Alien

    Dear moderatrix,

    Do the staffers at El Reg ever take amanfromMars down to the pub? Does he get free pints at the pub when drinking with Vultures? Does he buy the odd round? What kind 'o beer do he drink?

    Are his posts formatted the way they are because of your tender RL moderating?

    We need to be told!

  93. Graham Marsden
    Coat

    @Hazel Rees

    > Is it considered bad form to take both whip & handcuffs on a first date?

    No, that sounds fine to me. Do you want to bring your own along or should I get some out of stock?

    Mine's the leather strait-jacket...

  94. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ Moderatrix

    If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

  95. Chad H.
    Heart

    dear moderatrix

    dear moderatrix, for years I've heard rumours of a thing called a "woman" aparently they're like guys, but you can have a different type of fun with them. Where can I find one of these "women" especially one that understands the importance of being home in time to watch doctor who.

  96. KenBW2
    Flame

    Why is it...

    that noone knows the difference between its and it's?

  97. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    legal/not

    why is cannabis illegal, when alcohol & tobacco are not?

    -paris, she's sad because she doesn't know

  98. kain preacher

    Hazel

    I suggest silk ropes and tens unit.

  99. Tim Brown
    Flame

    And Why is it....

    No one knows the difference between "your" and "you're".

    Let's face it, it's a bit hypocritical to write "Your all a bunch of idiots."

  100. Sam

    Thermal enquiry

    If friction causes heat, how many fucks does it take to boil a kettle?

  101. Gerrit Tijhof
    Go

    Nagging issue, please advise!

    Should I rather be in Sidcup?

  102. Steen Hive

    Europe

    The first pressings in Sweden of "The Final Countdown", had the unfortunate distinction of being missing the first "o" in "Countdown".

    Freud icon, please.

  103. W
    Flame

    Furthermore, why is it....

    ...no-one knows the difference between "loose" and "lose".

    Although, to be fair, I suppose both might be considered as applicable when the safety word is used.

    NB: that's three versions of "no-one", 'n all.

  104. Glen Silver badge
    Unhappy

    metal, arse antlers, and other stories

    @ash

    i thought the scruffies and eddies crowd never got on... (when the bennefit gig was announced in scruffies the dj played "sway" by coal chamber) ...or am i confusing them with snobs/ramshackle?

    re: arse antlers

    no. Heavyness of music does not affect them. However, the number of tats in *other* places does indeed increase, although you see the metalwork first. Arse antlers tend to be on the ones who like normal fashion, and are trying out the goth look for a weekend.... what dya mean that was flame bait? :P

    Other Stories:

    i got half a degree in software engineering (cough java for dummies cough). am stuck in a non it job. should i jump ship and try to get a proper programming job? or waste another year to finish the degree, then get told i cant get a job because i dont have any experience?

    Any advice on trying to put a software portfolio together vs finishing the degree?

    TIA

  105. Frumious Bandersnatch
    IT Angle

    it angle and 42?

    does anyone hae a keener approimation than this inoling 42?

    http://picasaweb.google.com/declan.malone/UntitledAlbum/photo#5218975992271493474

  106. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My cat is ignoring me.

    It prefers to play with the mice that live in the pizza boxes. This is making me lonely, and now I fear that Dr. Who will abandon me. What should I do?

  107. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is it true

    that (in private circles), some of your closest acquaintences refer to you as the LOFH, the single mother of Simon?

    If so, did he inherit those twisted tendencies that are often reported on a Friday afternoon (except during a couple of weeks in the summer when he's partial to a vacation) from you (I'll place myself at your mercy), or was it because he was picked on at school and called Simple?

  108. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    re Moonwolf

    I'm told Pjur Cult is good for that special shine, too.

  109. michael

    what do you think

    is extream porn?

  110. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge
    Alert

    Dear Moderatrix...

    It is noted that overly competetive men are said to "measure their dicks" when squaring up against each other. Is there any truth to the rumour that similarly competetive females "measure their breasts"; and if so, do you know where any of these breast measuring competitions might be taking place at about 11.30PM this evening?

    Apologies for the fairly acute angle of IT in this post, and for the fairly inaccurate usage of a semi colon... so I'll just throw in the word "teraflop" for completeness and ignore the punctuation police.

  111. Maty

    And also ..

    ...why is there just one Monopoly and Mergers Commission?

  112. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Non-geeky teccie men - do they exist? Discuss

    Dear Ms Moderatix,

    I am a lonely female engineer working in a man's world and it's not a good place to be. Why does there have to be a 2 in gap between top of shoe and bottom of trouser leg of your average male engineer? Why is deodorant outlawed (along with shower and clean shreddies I suspect)? Why, if you smile politely at yet another geeky tale, it's taken as a come-on and then you are stalked by geeky tale-teller? Why is co-ordinating colour shirt and tie so difficult? How the hell did some of these men manage to pull and marry women and then create offspring (oh, that image just after breakfast - shudder)? Why don't tall, good looking men go into engineering? Should I really have to sell out and put up with a man whose only involvement with technology is to turn on his HD Plasma, sit in front of it with his hands down his pants, belching along to MTV videos?

    Sad and lonely in Auld Reekie

  113. Mike Crawshaw
    Boffin

    Arse Antlers / Metal

    Why is it that people ask about the predominance of arse antler tattoos increasing with the heaviness of music when in fact the reverse is true?

    Empirical evidence from a few recent experiences:

    Rammstein gig: none

    Soil gig: none

    Godhead gig: none

    Soulfly gig: none

    Sepultura gig: none

    Iron Maiden gig: quite a few (*look, I went for Trivium supporting, OK??*)

    Red Hot Chilli Peppers gig: enough to make my eyes bleed...

  114. Mike Richards Silver badge

    @ blackworx

    A far more interesting question about tongue is:

    'Can it taste you eating it?'

  115. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    @ RW - re:question 1

    In my case it's a combination of minor dyslexia and eternal hope.

  116. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Negative words

    ...with no positive.

    We have positive words that can't be negativised by adding "un" or "dis" too. Except in nULab doublespeak. Unsmart, disaccrete, ungather. Couth is a word though.

  117. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @My cat is ignoring me.

    Thats easy!

    Stack the pizza boxes vertically instead.

    cos mouses dont like vertical homes.

    = Bad ||||| Good

    P.

  118. Toastan Buttar
    Paris Hilton

    Playmobil Pr0n

    I was recently introduced to the delights of Playmobil(tm) Pr0n when it started appearing on a well-known IT news website. Now I stay up to the early hours of the morning scouring the internet for further examples. Should I sue the website in question for poisoning my mind in this fashion ?

    Playmobil Hilton ?

  119. pctechxp

    which came first

    The Chicken or the egg?

  120. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Polar Bears

    How many polar bears will I kill by not turning off my telly at the wall?

    And given the dangerous nature of the worlds largest land carnivore and its propensity for eating seals, is this a bad thing?

    Should I get more and larger tellys?

  121. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Question

    Who's your favourite in the current series of Big Brother?

  122. Wibble

    I've been wondering for years

    Why is the cheese?

  123. simon

    Daddy or Chips ?

    Hmmm ?

  124. Andy G
    Heart

    IF...

    ... we supposedly are what we eat, can i be you this time tomorrow morning ?

  125. pctechxp

    @Mitch Kent - Dyson

    class but can go one better

    How much suck would a Dyson put up if it was stuck in a vacuum.

  126. Anon Koward
    Dead Vulture

    Is it too late for moi?

    Due to a heavy increase in white noise that others call work I missed this article yesterday, as such am I too late or can I just squeeze a little one in?

    Who thought of the term Camel Toe?

    What is the English fascination with the hankie?

    And finally: Do you stroke the buttons on your keyboard or do you press them quite firmly?

    Many thanks

  127. Jay Cooper
    Heart

    What do I do!!!!!!

    Moderatrix,

    I am due to be getting married in September. Back in the day, I was a regular ladies man, and had a massive issue with fidelity. In fact, my wife to be is the only relationship I’ve had where I have been faithful (hookers don’t count, and neither do one night stands in other countries). This week though I have been Facebooked by no less than four ex girlfriends, all of which want to meet up in order to “catch up”. I know for a fact that catching up involves dipping my wick in their candle holder. This presents me with quite a dilemma.

    Anyway, my question to you is, should I stick with Windows XP on my gaming rig or upgrade to Vista?

    Thanks in advance for your response.

  128. Steve
    Coat

    Re: Non-geeky teccie men - do they exist?

    > deodorant outlawed ... co-ordinating colour shirt and tie so difficult?

    Ties?

    Are you sure you're working with geeks, and haven't strayed into a French marketing convention in error?

    > Why don't tall, good looking men go into engineering?

    Modesty forbids...

  129. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Moderatrix

    Do you find all the "amorous" comments about you creepy or flattering?

  130. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Daddy or Chips ?

    The chips taste better.

  131. Colin Jackson
    Boffin

    Why?

    I like to put my WinXPPro taskbar to the side of the desktop, as I have a 2-monitor system. Why does it regularly reset to the default 'bottom' configuration after a reboot? Also, when I set the language bar to not be displayed, after a reboot it returns. Any solutions?

    What?? Might as well get some useful info while she's here!

  132. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ PT A6 vs dealer 7

    If you have a problem, then this is an easy double.

    Otherwise, in any major UK house of sin using 6 decks/doubleATC/split any pairs, it's usually a hit iirc (but I've not played for a while and not learnt the new charts since sept 1st rule change)

    For some rulesets, it's a stand.

    Obviously this is count- and shuffle-track dependant.

    Cheers,

    Rob

  133. Alan Parsons
    Happy

    I'm gonna be a dad again

    And I'm very happy indeed.

  134. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Moderatrix

    A bit of both, really.

    You should see the ones I don't let through.

  135. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: I'm gonna be a dad again

    That's great, congratulations.

    I can't help you with any nappy enquiries. But you've done all that before, anyway. I should probably be asking you why you're so pleased to be putting yourself through it, but selective amnesia is a wonderful thing isn't it?

  136. Sam

    Re Alan Parsons

    "I'm gonna be a dad again"

    ...So, that was your project?

  137. James Bassett
    Thumb Up

    Re: Chicken or egg

    Egg. Something non-chicken (but very closely related) laid an egg. Due to genetic-mutations during the gestation period this became a chicken.

    It's very simple. Very easy to understand.

    NOW CAN WE PLEASE STOP ASKING SUCH STUPID QUESTIONS?

    Oh, Re: Alan Parsons. Congrats. Me too. Isn't it great?

  138. Vaughan Trevor Jones
    Alert

    Just one question

    Who's your daddy?

  139. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    @pctechxp

    "Which came first then, the chicken or the egg?"

    Creationist Answer:

    The chicken and egg appeared simultaneously at the whim of an omnipotent being. Alternatively, the chicken appeared fully-formed and laid an egg later. So either "neither" or "chicken"

    Actual Answer:

    There was a point where the antecedant of the chicken stopped being a "chicken antecedant" and became a "chicken". The egg that chicken hatched from would have come before the chicken, hence the egg came first.

    @Tim Brown

    No-one knows the difference between You're and Your because of terrorism and paedophiles.

    Actually, it's because the teachers don't know / don't care about the appropriate use of apostrophes and grammar/spelling at Primary School level. They and later educators also refuse to pull kids up on their use of the English language- when I was at school there was a phonetically-spelt report that got a B in English because it gave the right answers when you read it out. My perfectly written, well structured report got a C because it didn't convey the entire meaning of the poem we'd just read.

    Another bugbear of mine is effect/affect and the use of apostrophes for plurals. Also, not using "owner" apostrophes (i.e. Jim's dog rather than Jims' dog).

    Ah, well. At least the Grammar police's has no affect on myselfs life.

  140. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Which came first?

    The egg, of course. Whoever heard of a chicken getting laid?

  141. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    as benny hill would have asked

    What is this thing called; love?

    yes, and curse the first person who starts humming that them song.

  142. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Junior Primary Teachers

    The shallow end of the teaching gene pool...

    I got a note from one the other day saying "I think my power board needs coolabarting" (Smart board, callibrating)<sigh>

  143. 1337

    peeping landlord

    i think my landlord mabe spying on my internet usage, besides tor, any sugestions for encrypting / anonimizing my web traffic, also any interesting thoughts on how to catch them redhanded?

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