Telegraph falls to the Tw*t-O-Tron

It's with a chill in our hearts that we report today that the Telegraph appears to have succumbed to the inexorable rise of the Twat-O-Tron - originally designed as an automated "unholy turdspurt" generator based on real insights down at the BBC's Have Your Say. However, what started as a light-hearted piece of tomfoolery …

[Kenny Millar]

I know who should go into the prison state...

All Mac haters.

There I said it.

Yes, bob, it was me.

Mines the one with the arms that buckle together at the back.

[SPiT]

Turin test for Tw*t-O-Tron

It seems to me that we clearly have a candidate for passing the Turing test. I'm not sure what this tells us about anything but I certainly can't tell if the comments are from humans or not.

[Joe K]

No IT workers required?

Bah.

This country is fucked, will the last sane/intelligent one to leave please turn off the lights.

/daily mail

[Subtilior]

Hmmm

Are you trying to say that the Telegraph comments were actually automatically generated? They don't appear anything like the actual Twat-o-tron output that I have seen. I would also point out that a lot of people do indeed feel betrayed by the current leftist orthodoxy, and attempts to pretend that such people are nothing more than automated comment generators is all rather "new Labour", frankly.

[Rob]

Amero

I think this will probably happen...

[Neil Porter]

Eva is having good comment for you

My favourite comments on The Telegraph are by Eva who I've spotted several times responding to Jeff Randall pieces. She "is" a young lady from Poland working in London:

"Reason I write you is I have offered job me in Peppermint Hippo café for mens last night I go interview . They tell me much mens with lot money including 'oligarchs' you mention above here. Many mens from 'City'. I have to make coffee and take it to table and that is all he tell me I make £1,000 per day in tip tax-frees! Is this correct? I work in Café now and make £40 per day and tax--what different in Peppermint Hippo ?? He say uniform provided of costume of swimming because hot there. I see some girls so hot they take off costume ! My mother always told me : " Ava , Nie wychodzi jedyny przy wieczór późny nocny albo wilk będzie jeść was!" which means : " Ava , if you wear swimming costume in public , always shave armpits and empty bottom first !" I never forget my mother's advice . "

[SpeakerToAliens]

A girl I knew at school emigrated to Canada...

... and she posted an article on Friends Reunited about her life over there and how nice it all was. She finished with

"The only downside is, its the middle of October and its already bloody snowing!"

Penguin 'cos they like the snow.

[Craig]

Anyone who mentions Amero

Has probably seen the Zeitgeist movie! The bits on religion were good, got a little over the top towards the end tho :)

[Jason]

Pah!!

This country!!!! Will the last person to leave NU-labor Englandstan plese turn out the lights!!!!

[Matt]

Prison

I think the idea is just to build the walls as all appropriate people will already be inside. (apologies to Canadians who really don't deserve to be lumped with their neighbours).

[Gordon Stretch]

Tw*t-O-Thon Turing Test ...

Either proves that the Tw*t-O-Thon is sentient or that a lot of people out there are actually robots.

Personally I back the latter interpretation.

/D

[Shakje]

@Gordon Stretch

While the idea of a tw*t-o-thon sounds equally plausibly good and bad, the article is about the Tw*t-O-Tron.

[TeeCee]

FFS Subtilior!

Bootnotes goddammit, bootnotes! It's not *supposed* to be taken seriously.

Sheesh. I suggest that El Reg staffers take to sticking the "Joke Alert" icon prominently on the more tongue-in-cheek Bootnotes articles in future.

[James]

Brilliant!

I’m printing off and framing this i am also gonna get it laminated to my desk!!!! I really thought I was alone thinking this, im 22 and as soon as I convince my girlfriend I’m on my way to Canada! I just feel bad for the rest of my family who either cant afford or are too old to move!

Thanks for training me england!

[peter]

If only

The Tw*t-O-Tron is just a javascript with all the fields filled in, from what I know.

var mystring = opening2[b] + " " + hated_object[c] + " " + terrible_thing[d];

<!-- Copyright 2008 Chris + Ed - c.o ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com -->

Something like a perl script could fill in the fields by harvesting comments though, no reason not to do it and then it could create loops.

To make up for ruining the illusion.

ALL RIGH-TIHNKING PEOPLE KNOW THAT CRIMINALS ARE IGVING PRIORITY TO IMMIGRANTS BECAUSE THEY ARE ANTI-AMERICAN MARK MY WORDS PUT THEM IN AROCKET AND FIRE THEM IN TO THE SUN THIS SOUNDS TOTALLY CRAZY BUT IT IS SADLY PROBABLY TRUE

Winston Churchill Leeds

[Anonymous Coward]

One of our own.

It's clearly what amanfrommars does in his spare time.

[regadpellagru]

send him to Australia !

"im 83yrs of age, if i was a young man i would jump at the chance, i wish i had gone to australia on the ten pound scheme in 1947 my one regret in life, i watched this country go down the drain the last fifty years, and become a dust bin for people that hate us but come to live on our benefit system till it barely functions for the native britain. god help england.we dont seem to want to help our selves in this debacle."

Geez, can I send the 10 pounds to Grandad (for whatever scheme he's talking about), via El Reg, to send him the f*ck on the other side of earth ?

I feel dirty to know only the Channel + 500-1000 km separate me from him ...

Need a svastika icon, here.

[Ian McNee]

Subtilior: Canada awaits, bye! :)

But on a more serious note the Torygraph article states that Canada wants our management consultants! As the saying goes: every proto-racist ignorant nostalgic diatribe has a silver lining. Or sumfin like dat, innit...

[Jay Cooper]

18 months and my sentance is over

And I can finally get out of this downtrodden, limp dicked, always raining, constantly whining, imigrant infested, chav hugging, staffie shooting, Optimus Prime martyring, Daily Mail buying cuntry.

I can't wait. I won't be back until we build a wall round Wales and dump all the chav's over the top.

Actually, it's not the Chavs or the Staffies that are making me leave. The real threat to humanity and rationalisation as we know it surely the Daily Mail.

[James Anderson]

Bit tame really.

Whats the matter with Torygraph readers, have they all become Cameronised?

Well at least there is the Daily Mail to rely on, pity, thier readers are too busy gnashing teeth and frothing at the mouth to get online.

Its a pity the Canadians didnt make the offer more attractive, a few less Little Englanders would improve the Old Country no end.

[Anonymous Coward]

That's it, I'm packing up...

Twatting turds coming here and taking jobs from layabout yobs and working harder than us innit bloody government letting all these illegulls in an terroristz wiv beards and islam and what not drinkin our beer and knobbin our women while prechin about abba instead of good chritian valewes wot we learnt at skool it our rulez and if they dont like it send um home where they belong to polish or eastern block or back to afghanistan and iraq where we can bomb them fighting for our country and they just take take take innit. gordon let um in lets get him out and all the immigrants too and go back to our britis valewes dam nanny estate

... and heading for Cornwall

[Tim]

If you wonderful immigrant-hating people leave England....

.... England will just get better.

[Anonymous Coward]

@18 months and my sentance is over

Mark my words.. it's obvious that health tourists are stealing my cartax because they want to turn Britain into an islamic state.. It's time we put them in loonyb in. Oh wait, but what about their 'human rights'!!!

BNP_RULES United Kingdom

[Anonymous Coward]

Tw@t-o-tron Rules OK :-)

They published this Tw@t-o-tron generated comment I sent them...

Posted by Captain Sensible london on July 01, 2008 03:00 PM

Gordon brown still it at i see. I read in the Sun that soft-touch Britain is betraying our freedoms. All true brits should BAN immoral TV. Its like a nightmare but real!!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Privy Eye

Hmmm, seen the "from the forums" spoof section in Private Eye for the last few months? Eerie... I hope the twatotron.pl's authors are currently ensconced at whalesong central whipping up a business plan to monetise the script, whilst proactively leveraging thought-leading strategic... blah, blah, blah.

Go, go, gadget twatscript.

[Anonymous Coward]

I read in the Sun...

...that communists are trying to kill us all because they are barely human. Read my lips: abolish tax. No doubt this is legal under the eu human rights act!!!!!

Beer Drinker london

[Anonymous Coward]

P*ed my pants...

question. im not being racist but the scottish are using my wheelie bin because they want to breed a hybrid fetus. all true brits should bring back churchill. this is never mentioned by the media!!!!!

Sick of Labour scotland

[Anonymous Coward]

There goes...

the neighborhood. We don't want all you whiners (sorry, whingers) moving to Canada, we actually like them.

[Hollerith]

Does Canada want Brit aliens?

Last time I checked out my beloved homeland, we had skills requirements, so it's not clear which Telegraph-readers would get in. When I was still living there, the Brits who had emigrated were heavily resented because (1) they assumed Canada was a place for them to waltz into, being a former colony (2) they bitched and moaned about how Canada was not as good as Britain (3) they accepted jobs at lower wages, therefore 'taking our jobs' and 'thinking they could just freeload on Canadian tax-payers' etc. etc.

Other foot...shoe...

[Gilbert Wham]

'Amero' - dear oh dear...

Some friends of mine have been taken over by 'Zeitgeist The Movie'. I keep trying to explain to them that it is the work of libertarian wing-nuts, but they just get upset. It's like a religion (ironically enough).

[Owen Milton]

Alberta, not Canada.

Having just read the article, it's encouraging people to move to Alberta specifically. So where it's fairly easy to get into Canada with a few skills, Alberta is one of the places I'd suggest NOT moving to (in fact it's where I moved AWAY from, only to end up in California of all places). It's generally a good place, don't get me wrong... just consider that you're moving into a place that has had it's effective population double over less then a decade thanks to high oil prices. So not enough doctors, not enough public transit, skyrocketing housing costs etc, and in the event oil prices come down significantly, it'll all dry up and blow away again.

If anyone is still interested, the Canadian government website has a skilled worker test to see if you'd qualify. (short version: Speak English or French? Have a degree? Have a job offer? you're probably in)

[JCL]

Hating immigrating

I was over there for a year a couple of years ago and couldn't believe the number of Britons over there that emigrated because they hated immigrants. Sooo, if you emigrate to Canada you are an immigrant into Canada, but you are immigrating into Canada because you hate immigrants. Doesn't really work does it?

Also, The Daily Express-Mail is crap - I bought one the other day to get the free Bowie DVD. The only good songs were the one on the tv ad, the ones not on the ad were a right lacklustre affair. Fury! It makes me so angry! Of course I waited until night fall before putting the paper into someone else's recycling bin ;)

[MarkJ]

Turing test?

Surely any computer, not even one as advanced as the Twat-o-tron could now pass Alan's famous test. Or perhaps not, as the strutcured grammar and regular spelling would serve to highlight which was the machine and which was the product of the current Edyoucayshun system...

[Anonymous Coward]

Comments seem fine to me

Except that last one, they all match up with the shithole this country is becoming. Maybe I'm just cynical because the local council house chav kids just set fire to the trees in the neighbouring playing field and nearly burned the privately owned houses down that are next to the trees?

[Zargof]

So all the immigrant haters...

.. want to become immigrants themselves... ahh irony, don't you love it.

I wonder if there is a Canadian equivalent of the Torygraph where they all complain about the British immigrants ruining their country.

[Anonymous Coward]

@AC

> It's clearly what amanfrommars does in his spare time.

Actually, I though amanfrommars comments more closely resembled output from those text generators (i.e. Disassociated Press, Racter, Mark V Shaney) or the output of the M$ Word auto-summary function.

[Charles Manning]

@ Joe K

"This country is fucked, will the last sane/intelligent one to leave please turn off the lights."

Lights???? I thought the yobs smashed them long ago!

[Fuzzy]

@ zargof

Yep every country has one, here in Australia it's called the pub. Nothing like having a whinge about the hot topic of the day over a cold one

[ShaggyDoggy]

Immies

If the immigrant-haters leave England and go to live in another country, won't they themselves then be, oh no, immigrants !!

[Anonymous Coward]

Comments seem fine ...

"..because the local council house chav kids just set fire to the trees in the neighbouring playing field and nearly burned the privately owned houses down that are next to the trees?"

I presume that if they had burned down the council houses that would have been fine then?

[Steven Jones]

What's the point

I assume that the only reason this pathetic excuse for an article appeared is because the reporter who posted this couldn't think of anything better to say. It's not witty, it's not insightful. It's lazy, formulaic, smug and a miserable attempt at a satirical article.

[David Sidebotham]

Falling Standards

Whilst politicians in general and Nu Labour in particular are at fault, my opinion is that the main cause in the fall in standards in this country is the media and the Sun and Star are at the top of the list (60+ pages of total trash).

This not funny.

Really wish I could leave, but cannot afford to any more.

Grumpy Old Git

[Anonymous Coward]

well...

I'm not being racist but the Loony Left is getting rich off the hard owrking popualtion! All ture brits should bring back Enoch Powell. Next question.!!!

[Anonymous Coward]

When will people realise...

... that pathetic liberal tree huggers are trying to kill us all! Soon we will bring back hanging. What about my right not to be killed every day?!!!!!

British Bulldog UK

[Anonymous Coward]

migrating to avoid immigrants

Are the Brits migrating to Canada lazy back stabbing twats with fake certifications? Or does Canada vet these things? I wish we did.

[Rob McCleave]

Twat O Tron - the true story

The Twat O Tron is a virus. If you read any online forum of any sort, or the comments section for any YouTube video, you'll note the remarkable consistency of the comments.

"Your a fag."

"Your gay."

etc etc

make up 99% of comments on everything from computer hardware and software to sports to politics to a video of piece of cigarette foil catching fire in a microwave.

Either that or the internet is populated by illiterate, homophobic American frat boys.

Oh, damn...

[gollux]

The whole world is screwed...

Face up to it, there is no place to emigrate to. In the name of progress and globalization, the whole planet is being flushed. The combined looney politicians of all types and their codependent constituents combined with the apathetic masses who see no change with change in government are all circling the same drain.

Sincereley yours,

Twat-O-Tron

[Anonymous Coward]

I for one welcome our islamic overlords

Nu-Labour is dead. Within 20 years we'll become an islamic state. Let's face it, the birthplace of the modern world has j'had-it!

Last one out turn off the HAL9000

[lombardox]

One I rolled myself:

Scrounging NuLabour single-mother immigrants coming over here buying our houses and schools with sacks of Islam while Gordon Brown and the rest of the Scottish laze about in OUR hospitals, destroying the NHS, knifed by feral gangs of politically correct gone mad, I've paid my taxes all my life and now even my house has CRASHED pensioners. But you don't read about this in the press because they are all white christians!!!! Get a job you shi'ite hooded wasters!

[Anonymous Coward]

real twat-o-tron post for subtilior

Comment #6 is a real twat-o-tron cut and paste:

6. Posted by Handsome Bloke, Blighty on July 02, 2008 09:53 AM

this pot will probably be deleted. . when wil people realise that pedophiles are being run by communists because they ae traitors. we must string them all up. what next? encourage single-parenting? oops. htey do it already!

[lombardox]

One for the road

Make no mistake by Q2 2009 nulabour muslim property developers will have the keys to your repossessed houses in their designer suit pockets. If you can't get in to Canada go to Afghanastan with the TA cause unless you are a scrounging single mother, Gordon Brown is going to kill you one way or another.