back to article Granite Jesus, blessed be thy gneiss

Bible II: New Testament protagonist Jesus Christ has thrilled US fans this week by appearing on a slab of Brazilian granite in Dallas Texas. John Ganster, co-owner of the Verona Marble Company stone company first recognized the divinity of his 1,000-pound chunk of masonry when a customer inquired about purchasing the "Jesus …


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  1. yeah, right.

    odd interpretation

    Looks more like some random geek with a hard-on.

    Guess they'll get more money for it if they can convince the hard-of-thinking that's "Jesus" though.

  2. Andrew
    Thumb Up


    Bootnote unnecessary, but appreciated anyway. I wonder if he's had any bids from ye olde Golden Palace?

  3. rasputinsDog

    Mine eyes have seen the glory. . .

    of the Lord flipping the world the bird! Is this an omen?

    Flame cuz I'm on the hiway to hell.

  4. Old Man of the Hills

    I must not be Holy enough...

    The first thing I thought I was here was Marge Simpson, sort of off to the left...

  5. Anonymous Coward


    It may be my inebriated state at this time of night, but isnt that marble slightly NSFW?

  6. Les Matthew

    Looks to me like

    somebody sitting naked in a chair with a boner on.

  7. John Vreeland

    How appropriate

    He appears to be holding a gasoline pump nozzle. Clearly this is a sign if the end times.

  8. Anonymous Coward


    Looks like a Womens Breast with an erect nipple...

    At my age everything does...

  9. Carlo Graziani


    ...It was Elvis who carved it. He and Jesus keep playing pranks on each other, getting each other's worshippers into a lather.

    Last year about this time, Jesus started delivering pizzas in Tuscaloosa with Elvis' likenesses in the toppings -- thin Elvis in melted cheese, fat, old Elvis in crumbled sausage. There was practically a church revival in the Pizza Hut parking lot as a result.

    Jesus was just getting even for the time Elvis started painting tears and stigmata on Big Boy Restaurant statues at various Mississippi truck stops along Interstate 20, causing thirteen religious riots cum traffic pile-ups across the state. He claimed Jesus had it coming, for the time he dressed up in an oily wig, sunglasses, and a rhinestone-studded leisure suit over 300lb of wet bags around his belly, and belted out "Hunka-Hunka Burnin' Love" before an astonished 7-11 night manager while serially pounding twinkies into his face for added verisimilitude.

    Now Elvis is evidently screwing around with heavy rock-cutting equipment. Seriously, if these guys don't chill out soon, someone is going to do something stupid, no mistake.

  10. Chris C

    Trying too hard

    It amuses me that some Christians always seem to find the image of Jesus Christ in everyday objects. The cynic in me might say that if they're trying so hard to find "proof" of their beliefs, then they have no faith to begin with. If you have faith, you don't need to see proof. Incidentally, that's why I don't believe (because I find it very difficult to accept or believe in something without seeing proof).

    To me, this image barely looks humanoid. There is an oval shape which could be seen as a head, and lines from that area which might be construed as shoulders. But what in that image is supposed to symbolize Jesus Christ (as opposed to, say, Charles Manson, Richard Stallman, or Napoleon)?

    If you ask me, the area to the left of the head/shoulder looks like those foam fingers you see at sporting events.

  11. Charles Manning

    Think eBay

    How much is "hooded stoner with boner" going to fetch?

    Or course it has to be a biblical image to get top dollar. And that's not a boner... it is a loaf or fish or something!

  12. The Prevaricator

    The stone that the builders rejected...

    ...has become yet another conspiracy theory.

    Please. It's a bit of rock, when viewed from one orientation, has a feature that looks a little like a head and a pair of shoulders.

    No miracles were harmed in the making of this comment. Well, maybe one or two.

  13. auslaender


    You may think that's gneiss, but it's really just a piece of schist.

  14. Lysari


    Looks more like Cinder or Glacius from Killer Instinct.

  15. Anonymous Coward


    These people are certifiably insane. Remind me never to go to Texas. Oh my god, my toe nail looks like the Virgin Mary!

  16. LeBeourfCurtaine
    Gates Halo

    Well hung

    I concur - not so much the divine hand of providence, as a giant pairing of cock and balls.

    Bill, as he starts out on his second life...

  17. gareth

    granite comes to us

    when rocks containing less silica (SiO2 which can be contained in other minerals it is unlikely to be just silica in rocks other than granite) than granite such as basalt which are already part of the earths crust under go partial melting

    these pockets of melt then rise within the crust being less dense than the surrounding and coalesce into a silica rich melt (<40% silica) this then cools very slowly within the crust to form the large crystals found in granite

    (if it was erupted by a volcano it would form obsidian (the glassy stuff) or ryolite depending on the speed it cools)

    however as he is a stone mason it was probably not even granite as most people who work with stone call anything with a crystal size more than 2mm a granite

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    bootnote was hilarious

    also, @yeah, right.

    I thought exactly the same thing. Then I briefly pondered about the Rorschach Ink blot test, and what that had to say about me for thinking such things. But then another look convinced me.

    It is definitely a Guy In A Chair With A Hard-on, not jesus. Well, it could be jesus, but he's obviously happy to be back. Perhaps we have a moment captured from the 'second coming' as it were, right there?

    Paris because, well, ... theres no point me writing something will just get edited out..

  19. Kwac


    Looks like one of those guys in the videos that get sent to Al-Jazeera for broadcasting.

  20. Elmer Phud
    IT Angle

    "Jesus slab."

    So called after it was dropped on someones foot.

    Oh, and Elvis had nothing to do with it - he was with Barry the Time Sprout.

    Jesus has several cases running through court at the moment trying to grab some cash out of those who run to E Bay at the first sign of burnt toast.

  21. Lukin Brewer

    In My Humble Opinion

    It looks like one of the giant warriors from “Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind”.

    But let’s face it – in the current market climate, unless it has horns or a pointy beard, any spontaneous human image is going to be marketed as Jesus’s.

  22. James
    Paris Hilton

    In time for the second coming???

    Surely Jesus back on the earth IS the second coming?

    Paris is confused too

  23. Chris G


    Gather ye! gather ye! to hear hear the word of god's only begotten son, Jesus,

    " Get me the fuck out of this chunk of stone, I've got cramp in my left foot!"

    On an aside why is it whenever I hear the phrase `second coming´I have a mental picture of Angelina Jolie in that cat suit in Tomb Raider II?

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Such a relief to see it's not just me that just sees a reclined figure with his willy out!

    I'm still going anon though!

  25. le jono

    Where is...

    His face, he must have a face.

  26. Anonymous Coward

    He appears to be ...

    ... leaning back in a chair and getting blown by a badger or some similar small furry animal?

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ex-IT bea me too it

    Agreed, its a breast and nipple.

    I doubt its Jesus though, he was a carpenter, not a stone mason.

  28. pctechxp


    are probably contacting the guy as we speak.

  29. Anonymous Coward

    Errmmm... no...

    > Granite comes to us when a mixture of several different silicate minerals and oxides, mostly consisting of quartz and feldspar, are pushed up to the earth's crust.


    "Granite comes to us when a mixture of several different silicate minerals and oxides, mostly consisting of quartz and feldspar, **IS**pushed up to the earth's crust".

    The object in the sentence is the mixture (singular)... however, perhaps one of our US cousins wrote this in "American", which (it seems) requires no rules of grammar, nor (in most cases) a decent vocabulary, or the ability to spell words correctly.

    Thank you.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    First time I want to rate a story and I can't.

    Love the writing style.

  31. Steven Raith
    Thumb Up


    "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the Lord flipping the world the bird! Is this an omen?"

    <bit of bill hicks>

    "The Prince of Peace is back....

    ...and he's pissed off!

    "I said I'd be back - but I didn't say what kind of mood I'd be in""

    Mind you, I'd be pissed off if I had been crucified, resurrected, buggered off for two thousand years, come back and find that all my devout followers want to do is worship what I was slowly, painfully killed upon.

    </bit of bill hicks>

    Sorry, couldn't help it.

    I'm going to hell, and you're all coming with me...

    Steven R

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Life in stone!

    Next, they'll be telling us that worm shaped objects found in stones proves that cats evolved from pebbles.

    Everybody's looking at stones and morons like these who reckon they've found Jesus in a blob of rock, a tomato or even a garage floor are no worse than those who expect the rest of the world to abandon their faith because they found a seashell on the seashore that looks like a monkey-man's back tooth.

  33. jubtastic1

    That's not Jebus,

    It's Cthulhu

  34. Tom

    No it's the Satin

    He is in Texas collecting software patent trolls, you can see one roasting off to the left next to the smoke. Patent trolls always give satin a hard-on as you will notice...

  35. Doug Glass

    The Farce of Granit

    It's Darth Vader.

  36. Anonymous Coward

    Jesus hangs to the right

    nuff said

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    let me (hopefully) be the first to say...

    ...Gneisse headline.

  38. Anonymous Coward

    Re: Looks to me like...

    ... somebody sitting naked in a chair with a boner on.

    Gives new meaning to 'second coming' and 'he has risen'

    Flames 'cause that's where I'm headed...

  39. storng.bare.durid


    If you look closely, it's actually a photoshopped screenshot of my level 70 shadow priest. You can see my imba l33t epix staff in the foreground and the menacing thing in the background on the left is my shadowfiend.

  40. skeptical i

    Is that a possum head in your lap ...

    ... or are you just happy to see me?

  41. Michael Studman

    Touched by his noodley appendage

    You all seem to be missing the bigger story - we've been touched by his noodley appendage.

  42. Gary Turner

    Of course it's Jesus

    A lady friend of mine's first reaction on seeing the pic was, "Jesus! Now, that's a big one."

  43. Scott Silver badge

    It's Harrison Ford

    After doing another Indiana Jones film, he is updaing Star Wars. Perhaps the granite is actually metamorphic carbonite.

  44. Joe Drunk

    I was in a pub the other day......

    Drinking a few pints with some of my buddies . I went into the men's room to answer the call of nature and I had to sneeze. I tore some paper towels off the dispenser and blew my nose into it. When I opened it I saw what looked like a nativity scene!

    Thinking I could capitalize on this the way the owner of a certain grilled cheese sandwich did I turned the hand dryer onto the sheet until it was bone dry.

    I folded it and put it into my pocket.

    The rest of the evening was kind of hazy...there were a few toasts of tequila that evening to celebrate on of my friend's promotion at work which were rapidly catching up with me.

    I awoke this morning unable to find that particular paper towel. Was it a sign from God? Of course it was!! It's a sign that I should use tissues instead for my nose because the paper towels are just too abrasive! That and to stay away from tequila.

    Wait a sec...the flame icon looks just like the burning bush atop Mt. Sinai that spoke to Moses in the old testament!!

  45. Richard Scratcher
    Jobs Halo

    Thanks for the image!

    It's just what I need for my iPhone's "wallpaper"

    "....and upon this rock I will build my church."

  46. Dick Pountain

    Holy Couple

    It's all quite clear: Iggy Pop sitting in an armchair with a hard-on, and Marge Simpson sneaking up behind his right shoulder. What we need to know is.. what happened next.

  47. Mike Moyle

    So, it appears from this...

    ...that His next appearance will be dancing at Chippendales'!...

  48. Matthew Crawford
    Thumb Up

    Awesome Article

    The boot note and the comment about "hooded skeleton dudes" are just great.

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The second coming...

    ... of the afternoon. It's not an image of Jesus, it's a poor reproduction of Tracy Emin's 'back of a napkin' charity piece entitled "Jesus spends a happy afternoon with Mrs Palmer and her Five Lovely Daughters". The Coming of the Lord can be seen trickling down his left leg in this image.

  50. Captain DaFt

    So I'm the only one

    That thinks it looks like an excited bigfoot?

    Coat - door - taxi.

  51. Robbie Lesiuk

    I could be mistaken

    but i am pretty sure Jesus is cradling a baby dinosaur in his arms there.

  52. TeeCee Gold badge

    Ten commandments.

    That bit about false idols and such. Is there a specific exemption in there for cheese sandwiches, odd garage-floor stains and vaguely anthropomorphic shapes in reject rock slabs? Maybe someone who's read the Tome of Turgidity recently can quote the relevant passage so we don't accidently aquire any non-approved could-look-like-Jesus-in-a-bad-light-if-you-squinted-a-bit objects.

    Hmm, if I were Satan, I'd be having a bit of a laugh about now by causing vague, blurry, could-be-anyone-really images of myself to appear in a variety of everyday objects and picking up a few worshippers on the cheap.

    Flames, 'cos it's warm round here......

  53. Peter


    Is mixture not the "subject" in the sentence?

  54. Anonymous Coward


    "The magmatic theory involves the use of the Bowen Reaction Series. Thus, if crystal fractionation of a magma of tholeiitic basalt composition were to occur, one of its end products would be granite. In many places, emplacement of granite plutons is synchronous to volcanic eruptions. They commonly form ring complexes around 10 km in diameter with volcanic remnants that have subsided into the couldron as central blocks"

  55. Tom Silver badge

    But theres no mention in the bible of

    Jesus having non-semetic hair. Or perhaps he was the first to have his hair straightened.

    It must be an imposter!

  56. Yamthief
    Paris Hilton

    Blind faith or blinding faith?

    "If you squint and tilt you head slightly to the right..."

    Anything can look like anything if your imagination is vivid enough.

    Believe whatever you want, but i reckon the people that fully believe that the second coming is right here in a lump of granite need to get out more.

    I wanna know what Paris can see in that big chunk of rock... I bet she sees the penis too..

  57. DirkGently

    This proves it!

    This proves that the Pharisees employed mafia style tactics burying people in concrete. Maybe it was the alien punching out of his stomach that made them go to this extreme.

  58. Richie

    He's not the Messiah.

    He's a very naughty boy (as can be clearly seen from the large boner)

  59. Matt

    Where's Jeebus?

    Am I the only one that sees a guy in a druid robe wearing a fanny pack and a fencing mask?

    Should I be calling my shrink?


  60. Rob Saunders

    Looks more like...

    Skeletor to me

  61. Daniel B.

    Oh no, not again...

    Believe me, this is not the case of someone trying to cash in. These "images" appear everywhere, usually when there are bad times coming. Example: the Mexico City subway "image of the virgin". They even took out the tile and put a small shrine outside the subway station ... but all I see is rust on a tile. It seems more like a case of Rorschach Ink blots and people seeing what they want to see...

  62. Douglas Richard McIntosh
    Thumb Up

    Jesus F#cking Christ !!

    May the Lord be merciful!!! Another one for all those weird American bible bashing churches to make money from.

  63. Douglas Richard McIntosh

    To Jubtastic1

    No it's not Cthulhu !! It's Hastur the fucking Unmentionable, Chief Deity of the Church of Elvis Presley, who was reported to have said "show faith in me and I'll give you a whole lotta love"

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