Ohio table-shag man gets six months

The Ohio man caught on camera having sex with a picnic table has been jailed for six months, NBC reports. Art Price Jr, 40, of Bellvue, molested the round metal table on four occasions. The last garden furniture liaison was on 12 March, a day before an unnamed informant dropped off DVD video evidence with cops, showing the …

[Ryan Smith]

Stills from the DVD

If El Reg could get hold of stills from the DVD I think the world would be a slightly better place.

[Mark]

Just as well it was table furniture

If his predilection had been for swimming pool furniture, he may have been convicted of being a pedalo-phile.

[Anonymous Coward]

That's a bit stiff.

The sentence, I mean.

[iSuff44]

What?

He gets wood off wood???

Weirdo still the mayo is always full at their picnics!!

[NRT]

"pleaded no contest to "disseminating harmful material.......""

Have you Americans got no sense of irony?

[Anonymous Coward]

erm

not that i'm a pervert - but can we have a lego-mockup of this to prove it happened - I'm not convinced.

Lego icon???

[Scott]

Clink list

Does any one have a list of tiems and time you would expect to spend inside for diffrent furniture?

anyone know how long you get for the daddy of household items a vacum-cleaner? 5 years maybe?

[Anonymous Coward]

In Soviet Russia

In Soviet Russia, picnic table shags you.

[Anonymous Coward]

Lynch Him !

I'll bet the table was under age too ! The Sicko !

Innocent furniture will be safe from violation for 6 months at least. Is there a register for furniture abusers he can go on?

If I ever see a table with comely legs I look away and think righteous thoughts like any right-minded citizen would.

Many's the time I have had to pour a bucket of water over nesting coffee tables.

This DVD evidence would justly be classed extreme porn in our country.

I demand we have perverts put down at birth for the sake of humanity !

[Anonymous Coward]

Caught on camera

Cheers for that Lester,

I'm sitting here half way up a mountain in Italy trying not to do some work (network traffic management for a local WISP), when I followed the link back to the caught on camera article and some of the funniest comments I've seen in ages.

Ah well, back to work kicking filesharers off.

[Stephane Mabille]

How old was the table?

Let's hope the table was 16, 18, 21 or 25+ (not sure what the legal sex age is in Bellevue).... Of course the table has its part of responsibility, it didn't use it's gun (which I suspect comes with any birth certificate in Ohio)

Paris because.... do you really an explanation?

[Anonymous Coward]

poor man

"disseminating harmful material to juveniles and public indecency"

I assume to make this stick he could be seen from the school grounds?

[Mark]

and that man...

was me!

i have the dvd if you want it

[e-mail]

[Anonymous Coward]

Pathetic

So some perhaps misguided but otherwise harmless (unless you happen to be a table) bloke gets six months in PRISON?

I'm sorry this really is a disgusting infringement on peoples' right to do what the fuck they want in their own homes, as long as it's not hurting others!

[Anonymous Coward]

eh?

so it's a felony to shag a picnic table on your own property, but it's perfectly ok to video someone shagging their picnic table?

it wouldn't happen in the UK with out extreme porn laws!!! especially if the guy on the table got splinters - there's no way a video of that would be legal!!

paris for the reasons the other posters have no doubt mentioned already!!

[Elmer Phud]

Time to ban . . .

. . . .garden centre websites.

Also at your local B&Q an over 18's section where all the 'patio furniture' is kept.

[D]

so to punish him, they're going to lock him in a cell with only

a bed and small table for company?

Paris, because I'd rather do a bike than a table any day.

[Anonymous Coward]

Conjugal Visits?

So can he schedule conjugal visits, just with the furniture in the conjugal visiting room?

Seriously furniture shops in Huron County are breathing a big sigh of relief now this perv is in prison

[Nick Cassimatis]

Missing the point...

Umbrella hole... metal picnic table...

Ow.

[Nick Roberts]

Lester, Lester, I'm ashamed of you...

Where's the "laid the table" joke?

[Anonymous Coward]

@ac - lego mockup

I second the motion, erm....

[TrishaD]

Sex with inanimate objects

I have a vibrator...

Would that be illegal in Huron County too?

Paris - because she's probably baffled too (and probably about as blonde as I am...)

[Lyndon Hills]

re: Where's the "laid the table" joke?

Just after the mention of the "hardened" perp...

[michael]

@ac - lego mockup

it is playmobile not lego

[Steve]

Re: Sex with inanimate objects

"I have a vibrator...

Would that be illegal in Huron County too?"

If it vibrates, then surely it isn't inanimate.

[Patrick R]

The economic angle

Would it be legal to open an "Escort Tables" agency? Just shake them to get a table dance. Add it a bikini to get a Pool Table. Hum.

[Swee' Pea]

Life in Prison

How do you explain this particular crime to the other inmates?

Robbery

Drugs

Assualt

.

.

Sex with inanimate object

[Swee' Pea]

It is Impressive

that the charge was more than public nudity. March in Ohio is COLD!!!!

[Jaap Stoel]

So now furniture has feelings?

What was he convicted for? Vandalism? I mean isn't it a man's own business anymore what he does with his furniture?

[Anonymous Coward]

He was near a school...

He was near a school but he admitted having it orf with the table in his own home? Was he in public or was he in his own back yard? If he was in his own back yard then surely whatever he does in the privacy of his own home is his business?

*Hides particularly attractive chair from prying eyes*

[Mark]

Re: Life in Prison

Maybe the prison ho's will be too scared to assault him..!

[TrishaD]

@ Steve

'If it vibrates, then surely it isn't inanimate.'

Yes but it only vibrates for about 5 minutes.

Then it breaks wind and goes to sleep.

Its ever so realistic......

[John F***ing Stepp]

Don't cry for me IKEA

Not a pervert; wasn't getting it 'under the table'.

[Anonymous Coward]

What I wonder,

is if he's going to branch out into Safe Sex?

Mine's the one with the keypad on the zipper.

[Mark]

Re: Life in Prison

I know i'd give him a good seeing to

[Sarah Bee]

Re: Life in Prison

Maybe I've missed it but if not, I am staggered no one has done the 'Got wood?' one yet.

[Anonymous Coward]

You f--king what?

I think the title says it all.

Shagging a table in your house/garden == 6 months in Jail.

I mean... can people living near schools not wank anymore? Have showers naked? I mean what the shit is happening to this world? I can't even go "haha only in America" becouse I'm quite sure the same would happen here too. Re man shagging a bicycle in his own room with the door locked.

[Tony]

@ Sarah Bee

Check out iSuf44 - "wood off wood" - it's close enough I think.

Are we heading back to the good old Victorian days, when people put little covers on the legs of their pianos so then they would not arouse men's lustful thoughts?

I've always been a suspicious of those cricketers who spend so much time with linseed oil and their "favourite bat"!

[Sarah Bee]

Re: @ Sarah Bee

I dunno why these things are always classed as 'sex with inanimate object', really. It's just masturbation. There's no one else there. Not even if they give the object a name. Like, 'Doris'.

[Buffy]

Innocent furniture !?

In my experience there's no such thing.

There's always whole clusters of nested tables hanging around our local neighbourhood, showing off their legs and tops with hardly a stitch of cloth between them. Tho they do look cute with those little lace doilies.

I reckon the guy's table lead him up the garden path. It's difficult to be completely impervious when they flaunt it like they do. Having said that, the table probably wasn't that old - it's height alone should have been a bit of a warning.

Paris, because well, duh, I've seen the video. That dressing table in the background is HOT !

[Graham Bartlett]

What occurred to me...

The picnic tables I've seen, the hole in the middle for the umbrella was really quite large, and most people of my acquaintance would be unlikely to, erm, touch the sides all round. So you'd need to be fairly accurate about what garden furniture you chose, to get the right dimensions. Which brings a serious level of danger to your trips to the garden centre, I would think...

[Bounty]

hmmm

Maybe since it's back east, there was no fence in the back yard, or the guy was in front of his house? If the guy making the DVD did it from the school, say during recess, then I could see why they came down on him so hard, otherwise that's jacked.

[Anonymous Coward]

Jail vs. Prison

typically,

under a year is spent in a jail...

year or more is spent in prison...

big difference in locations.

either way, the sentence is a bit much. even if it was during school hours (which would have broken up the doldrum i'd think).

[Chris C]

What?!?

"Price pleaded no contest to 'disseminating harmful material to juveniles and public indecency'"

Yes, watching somebody masturbate is going to scar people (including children who never saw the incident) for life. Lock him up and throw away the key! However, I understand there are laws against this. But first, the law (and subsequent punishment) should be consistent. It should not matter whether he was close to a school or not. If something is against the law, it's against the law. It's like those stupid "Drug free zone" signs we have near schools. I thought the whole country was supposed to be drug-free? But more than that, I must question the charge of "disseminating harmful material to juveniles". Exactly what was this "material" he allegedly "disseminated"?

[Michael J Evans]

Shouldn't that be....

"pleaded no contest to "inseminating harmful material......."

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, I know some here find it absolutely hilarious ...

But is this really appropriate punishment, or is punishment of any kind what is needed? This man has harmed no one and, if he gets off with furniture, its unlikely anyone will get harmed.

The fella needs a mild (and voluntary) spot of counseling, perhaps, but not jail.

This is obnoxious. We're all found guilty nowadays of things which someone might see not what they do in fact see.

It has a prurient nudge-nudge dimension to it — haha — but there is a very sinister angle to this.

[kain preacher]

Chris C

"If something is against the law, it's against the law. It's like those stupid "Drug free zone" signs we have near schools"

That's to let you know if your caught selling in a drug free zone , it's double the penalty

[Paul Ryan]

Odd...

Wasn't it the neighbours who recorded him and thus were "disseminating harmful material"?

[Anonymous Coward]

@ac

In Soviet Russia, picnic table shags you.

err thats SF. They just turn the table upside down

[Anonymous Coward]

Madness

Surely a prime example of how insane the paedophile panic has become. From what I can make out the guy had sex with furniture in his own home and some peeping tom videoed him doing it and so he was convicted of some absurd "crime", but his "crime" is said to be worse because his house was close to a school!

The logic here is totally mad:

1. A person can't "have sex with", "molest" or "rape" an inanimate object. These require another living being to be involved. This table activity can only be defined as masturbation. Now masturbation is illegal? In your own home, in private?

2. The fact that a school was nearby is totally irrelevant. It's apparently based on the absurd (and utterly unsupported by any evidence) assumption that all "perverts" are child molesters too - if you masturbate with a table you must want to rape children or perform the act with the table in front of them. Or heavens knows what else! Won't someone think of the children!! The guy likes tables for God's sake. Sexual fetishes and fetishists tend to be incredibly specific - guys who like shoes *only* like shoes (and often only specific types), guys who like knickers only get off on knickers, etc. Child molesters are also usually very specific - they like children, not shoes, cars, tables or other items of household hardware.

[Alan Ferris]

So that Is what is meant by....

.... table dancing.

I've often wondered how to get one to dance. We live a very sheltered life around here.

[Chris Donald]

The judge is an idiot

And camera user an arsehole.

The table humper was silly not to have hidden himself from the real pervert-the guy jacking off whilst recording him.

Seriously-who does that? Records someone elses jackoff technique and then presents to the police?

Sorry, I'm biased-I'm a car guy myself and would go postal on a voyeuristuc prick looking to get me jailed-though admittedly I tend to close the garage door !

The judge needs to reconsider or sentence the cam welder!

[Charley]

Re: Life in Prison

...and then they all moved away from me on the bench...

A Guthrie.

[Dr Patrick J R Harkin]

Wanna come back to my place...

....for a coffee table?

[iSuff44]

A bit concerned......

About the neighbours making a DVD, what else do they film? Maybe they have a whole DVD collection involving inanimate objects, 'The DVD Player gets it 2' and so on!

Mines the one trapped in the DVD drawer

[Ascylto]

Outrage!

Will someone please think of the picnic chairs!

[Martin Maloney]

If Al Price lived in Ireland...

...would he have sex with Paddy O'Furniture?

(You're all SO jealous!)

[C. Fuhrman]

More info

From a Toledo Ohio news channel's web site: http://www.wtol.com/Global/story.asp?S=8082496

[RaelianWingnut]

@TrishaD

I'm still not impressed. I won't be satisfied until I find one that misfires when you look it in the eye. And shrinks when you buy it a pint.

[xjy]

Normal jack-off on kitchen table

In Sweden a man was once fined (this is Sweden, still) for wanking off on his kitchen table, indoors in his own kitchen. A woman saw him through his kitchen window and was "outraged". This was before the paedophile pandemic, otherwise some kid would have been held up to prove evil intent.

And some of my neighbours consider an old guy walking around topless on his own balcony to be disrespecting the kids playing down in the yard.

It's not just unlawful carnal knowledge being punished here, it's sex in general and the human body the way it is in particular.

Paris cos that's what everyone else is doing...

[Hugh Jorgen]

American w*nkers need our help....

**While sex with picnic tables is normally considered a misdemeanour, Price's proximity to Ridge Elementary School upped the outrage to a felony.**

If I can just get this clear.....what's the legallity towards having a 5 knuckle shuffle if you live within a certain distance of a primary school in the USA? 500m and over, the Roman Catholic church says you're going to hell. 499m and less and a frikin judge says you're going to be some vicious criminal's bunk muffin?

Personally, I'l have whipped the bald chap out in court and thrashed out a quick fist of fury display to get my moneys worth.

Paris.....I'm off to the gents to have a wafty crank specially for her since I'm miles from a school.

[RaelianWingnut]

@American w*nkers need our help....

Oh cool!

Give me a buzz when it happens and I'll be there with my video cam to add it to my Extreme Pornography collection. This is a textbook definition of the word. Not only does it give the (elderly) judge a w00dy, it stands the jury, and the entire legal apparatus on end. And, through the sublime magic of operant conditioning, a whole new perversion...

Thumbs up, because, well, you have to.

[sam]

Simple Answer...

The table was rocking and he was convinced that there was a screw missing

Don't worry, I'm going.

[Daniel]

all afternoon ...

... and I can't do better than something about "laying the table".

Mine's the one with "failure" on the back.

[Mr Ropey]

What about the potential offspring?

As he managed to inseminate the table, is it now pregnant? Think of the child support issues here (what polish to use, have they had their rust treatments, oh god, what about metal moth??)

[Edward Pearson]

Without wanting...

...to defend somebody who's obviously barking mad.

We may not agree with what he's done, but what happened to his right to do it? This is HIS table, on HIS private land. Now obviously we don't have all the details, but it doesn't sound like this chap is an exhibitionist, I think 6 months in a US prison is a tad extreme.

[Mark]

Re: Without wanting...

Well, shows what YOU know!

This was an act done in PLAIN VIEW of his neighbour. He only had to stand on a chair by the window in his kitchen after he'd cut the hedge down a bit! Practically right in front of him!!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Sex with an inanimate object?

Bloody hell, I'm glad I don't live in America - I spent 4 years of my life having sex with an inanimate object. After that I got fed up and divorced her!

[Anonymous Coward]

What about sex on a table?

I mean could you be sent to prison for that. It could be seen as invloving the table in a sex act.

[pctechxp]

Hmmm

Suppose he got off lightly

least he didn't get a restraining order banning him from going within a 1 mile radius of furniture shops!!!

I'm not surpised such a fetish exists, after all there were a coup-le of programmes in the UK about people having a car or building fetish.

Quite sad though as there's plenty of hot totty out there, you really don't need to go after poor defenceless tables.

Paris, because although not my first choice, would definitely be better than a table.

[Mark]

Just a splinter group

Wa Wa Wa Waaah