BOFH: Shafting the consultants over the new layout

So we've got some external consultants here blundering through the requirements for the new building as a QA thing.. "It's not that we don't trust you," the Boss explains. "Far from it. It's just that senior management would like some assurance that everything you've asked for is a requirement and not just a nice-to-have …

[Anonymous Coward]

No need to panic!

If you take the necessary precautions...great thinking ahead!

[Andy Taylor]

Simple but deadly

Another classic.

[John Widger]

Brilliant

They're getting better all the time. It took a while to stop laughing.

[Mike Morris]

Oh, well...

All that dust and not a lick of sense between either of the COF's. Pole dancing anyone? Paris 'cause she could do SOMETHING with that setup...

Cheers

Mike

[CareTaker]

Another great shafting

good work

[Sarah Skelding]

Thank you

Thank you, thank you for another piece of ammunition in my daily battle against the hordes of children with a useless degree and no common sense, for I *was* here when dirt was invented and that is why I know that they are talking nonsense.

[Aeternus]

When will they learn...

... that resistance is, indeed, futile. The IT Infrastructure in the new building will be built to Simon's spec. Whichever spec that may be.

'Though on a bright note, bloodstains on slabs are typically covered up well by carpeting.

[Kevin Bess]

Short and huh?

That was short. No electrocutions, no "insulation testers", no mysterious leftover aircon equipment falling from the ceiling....

[Anonymous Coward]

Bl**dy COFs

Hmmm, sounds familiar - hire some consultants to tell you how to save the money that you've just spent on their fees. We had some COFs in last year - their only definitave statement in a 150 page report was that there wasn't enough money for "Incremental Employee Renumeration Revaluations" - i.e. no payrises despite their fees being 10% of our payroll. We could all have had 7% payrises with money left over!

Mine's the one with the diamond tipped saw in the pocket!

[Mike Dyne]

Never trust

An area marked in chalk when the BOFH and PFY are about....never!

[Ryan]

60 years of experience

And they don't know to never tangle with the BOFH?

[Tim]

Wow! Am I really the first?

Another, ripping yarn! Best trap-door in the world, clearly marked out for those in the know, and yet sealed with the floor so as not to be expected. I like how this batcave is shaping up. I am inspired!

[Jack Garnham]

Brilliant!

No one gets in the way of our heroes' plans, NO ONE!

[Anonymous Coward]

Haha - the people probably died!

Awesome, I love those endings. More of the same, please!

[Rosuav]

Stand here, please...

... no not here, same place on the floor below. Yes, with this heavy load of concrete on you. Thanks! Perfect.

[call me scruffy]

"Entering the chalk outline"

Must be a first, it was a given that he'd end up in a chalk outline, but to willingly step into a ready drawn one (albeit rectangular) is a new level in co-operation from the suits.

I'm still looking forward to the bofh-mobile.

[Adrian Esdaile]

You did ask for comments!

I love it. Brilliant. But speaking as a fully qualified architect I can correct you on a few issues:

1. No "consultant" worth his/her salt uses a 'tape measure'. Please, how 20th C! Leica laser measures, with built-in bluetooth to the Apple Mac Air Pro.

2. Fireman's pole - check! You're on the money there.. but where's your extreme climate testing facility? Sometimes the execs have to go to Dubai or S'pore, so you need a sauna to stress-test lappies and mobes. Trust me.

3. More climate testing - walk-in wine storage / chiller. Actually the storage trays used in morgues are brilliant for this - each one can hold a massive 8 slabs*

* - cardboard carton with 24 cans / bottles liquid coolant - refreshment

4. 6-axis flight simulator suite - because, um.... laptops need to be tested for turbulence in aircraft!

5. Large cupboard full of Bombay Saphire.... because I just finished my last bottle! CHEERS!

[Stuart]

As always

Totally ace.

well done for brightening up my day.

[Chika]

COF?

What on earth makes Simon believe that all Crusty Farts are old? I agree with the outcome, but let's recognise the farties of the world for exactly what they are!

[Anonymous Coward]

Brill!

BOFH is really making me laugh again.... good stuff! :)

Paris because.... well, I can't think of a reason but it's still gotta be Paris!

[Dex]

Firemans Pole?

Heavens NO! Lapdancing pole would be better :D

[K]

nice try

We need more mindless violence, needless electrocutions and more nemesis for the BoFH. Seem's he's getting more feeble with age...

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

The moment the PFY

pushed the trolley laden with concerte aside I had premonitions. Mention of chalk outlines hightened them

Brilliant

[PFY in training]

Accidents.....

surly no accidents on Friday 13th

Mines the one with the rabbits foot

[Anonymous Coward]

Mr. Adrian Esdaile...

...as soon as I get my hands on the budget of some beancounter who met a tragic "workplace accident", I'm gonna call you to plan my batca... er... new computer room.

[Mark Roome]

The only thing better ...

... than ending a story with "There's been a terrible accident" is starting a story with "There's been a terrible accident".

[mittfh]

Bombay Sapphire?

Surely various earth incarnations of a certain H2G2 cocktail would be more appropriate...

But the morgue trays would make an interesting fate for a clueless consultant / engineer / beancounter / luser (delete / expand as appropriate)...

As for the excuse for installing the sauna and morgue trays - something along the lines of "with global climate instabilities, we need to test our equipment to perform adequately under all conditions".

And something others have forgotten - a tesla coil or two (to simulate the combination of a lightning strike and corroded lightning conductor, of course - what, you mean 500kV is dangerous to humans?)

[Dalen]

There's been a terrible accident

IMHO, so far this one is the best one this year.

[Herby]

Re: walk-in wine storage / chiller

Please please, please!!!

Wine for a BOFH? No, it needs to be storage for the pub's next door beer. Of course, there will be taps that happen to work in the command & control center, but that isn't the 'primary mission'!

Everyone knows that IT people start with caffeine and end with alcohol. It is just the way the day works.

[Anonymous Coward]

@Adrian Esdaile

"4. 6-axis flight simulator suite - because, um.... laptops need to be tested for turbulence in aircraft!"

Correction:

That gear would be necessary for ensuring that laptops and electronic gear doesn't interfere with in-flight avionics.

But I believe I understand the problem, you must have been about to the bottom of that bottle by this time.

[/dev/me]

What the boss has, the bastard gets. And everyone hopes it's {not without the cattleprod}

I think I did hear the COF mutter something about you needing Virtual Thinwire?? I can supply miles of the High Quality stuff. It's definitely needed for ... erm ... Loopback Interface/Localhost DNS Resolving, greatly improving network latency. A definitive must-have.

Maybe we can talk about this in the /pub/lic offsite business meeting point? This might be a good chance to transfer some company readies into the bastard beerfu^H^H^H^Hneficial secondary measures on network performance?

Paris, 'cuz she knows how a couple of pints improve 'network performance'

[Phazedout]

I have a BOFH

soemthing I've been meaning to say fo ra while, although I'm working in Ireland my head of IT is english.

and his name is Simon ... :O

perhaps oru BOFH has taken retirement in the sunny west?

Phaze

[Shriphani Palakodety]

Brilliant!

"Crusty Old Fart i.e. someone who was there when dirt was invented". Brilliant stuff, made my day

[Anonymous Coward]

@Phazedout -- Not quite...

You're forgetting that although Simon works in Britain, he's actually a Kiwi by birth (i.e. from New Zealand). Although I s'pose your Simon could be the PFY sneakily posing as his superior.

[David Ross Smith]

"It's not that we don't trust you..."

"It's just that we don't trust you."

Mine's the one with the huge slab of concrete in the back pocket...

[Conor]

Pole

Nothing will stop until the pole is installed! I love it, best 'accident' yet!

Paris: because she loves pole too!

[Mike]

on a serious roll

Whatever Simon is drinking this summer, I want some !

[Russell Gander]

Ginyntonix

Bombay Sapphire? No matter where you travel in the multiverse, one will find SOME version of ginyntonix. It stands to reason don't it

[pctechxp]

I think Adrian

Should suffer the same fate.

C'mon man, have you no sense of humour!!