back to article BOFH: Shafting the consultants over the new layout

So we've got some external consultants here blundering through the requirements for the new building as a QA thing.. "It's not that we don't trust you," the Boss explains. "Far from it. It's just that senior management would like some assurance that everything you've asked for is a requirement and not just a nice-to-have …


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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No need to panic!

    If you take the necessary precautions...great thinking ahead!

  2. Andy Taylor

    Simple but deadly

    Another classic.

  3. John Widger
    Thumb Up


    They're getting better all the time. It took a while to stop laughing.

  4. Mike Morris
    Paris Hilton

    Oh, well...

    All that dust and not a lick of sense between either of the COF's. Pole dancing anyone? Paris 'cause she could do SOMETHING with that setup...



  5. CareTaker

    Another great shafting

    good work

  6. Sarah Skelding

    Thank you

    Thank you, thank you for another piece of ammunition in my daily battle against the hordes of children with a useless degree and no common sense, for I *was* here when dirt was invented and that is why I know that they are talking nonsense.

  7. Aeternus

    When will they learn...

    ... that resistance is, indeed, futile. The IT Infrastructure in the new building will be built to Simon's spec. Whichever spec that may be.

    'Though on a bright note, bloodstains on slabs are typically covered up well by carpeting.

  8. Kevin Bess

    Short and huh?

    That was short. No electrocutions, no "insulation testers", no mysterious leftover aircon equipment falling from the ceiling....

  9. Anonymous Coward

    Bl**dy COFs

    Hmmm, sounds familiar - hire some consultants to tell you how to save the money that you've just spent on their fees. We had some COFs in last year - their only definitave statement in a 150 page report was that there wasn't enough money for "Incremental Employee Renumeration Revaluations" - i.e. no payrises despite their fees being 10% of our payroll. We could all have had 7% payrises with money left over!

    Mine's the one with the diamond tipped saw in the pocket!

  10. Mike Dyne

    Never trust

    An area marked in chalk when the BOFH and PFY are about....never!

  11. Ryan
    Thumb Up

    60 years of experience

    And they don't know to never tangle with the BOFH?

  12. Tim
    Thumb Up

    Wow! Am I really the first?

    Another, ripping yarn! Best trap-door in the world, clearly marked out for those in the know, and yet sealed with the floor so as not to be expected. I like how this batcave is shaping up. I am inspired!

  13. Jack Garnham


    No one gets in the way of our heroes' plans, NO ONE!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Haha - the people probably died!

    Awesome, I love those endings. More of the same, please!

  15. Rosuav
    Thumb Up

    Stand here, please...

    ... no not here, same place on the floor below. Yes, with this heavy load of concrete on you. Thanks! Perfect.

  16. call me scruffy

    "Entering the chalk outline"

    Must be a first, it was a given that he'd end up in a chalk outline, but to willingly step into a ready drawn one (albeit rectangular) is a new level in co-operation from the suits.

    I'm still looking forward to the bofh-mobile.

  17. Adrian Esdaile
    Thumb Up

    You did ask for comments!

    I love it. Brilliant. But speaking as a fully qualified architect I can correct you on a few issues:

    1. No "consultant" worth his/her salt uses a 'tape measure'. Please, how 20th C! Leica laser measures, with built-in bluetooth to the Apple Mac Air Pro.

    2. Fireman's pole - check! You're on the money there.. but where's your extreme climate testing facility? Sometimes the execs have to go to Dubai or S'pore, so you need a sauna to stress-test lappies and mobes. Trust me.

    3. More climate testing - walk-in wine storage / chiller. Actually the storage trays used in morgues are brilliant for this - each one can hold a massive 8 slabs*

    * - cardboard carton with 24 cans / bottles liquid coolant - refreshment

    4. 6-axis flight simulator suite - because, um.... laptops need to be tested for turbulence in aircraft!

    5. Large cupboard full of Bombay Saphire.... because I just finished my last bottle! CHEERS!

  18. Stuart
    Thumb Up

    As always

    Totally ace.

    well done for brightening up my day.

  19. Chika


    What on earth makes Simon believe that all Crusty Farts are old? I agree with the outcome, but let's recognise the farties of the world for exactly what they are!

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    BOFH is really making me laugh again.... good stuff! :)

    Paris because.... well, I can't think of a reason but it's still gotta be Paris!

  21. Dex
    Thumb Up

    Firemans Pole?

    Heavens NO! Lapdancing pole would be better :D

  22. K

    nice try

    We need more mindless violence, needless electrocutions and more nemesis for the BoFH. Seem's he's getting more feeble with age...

  23. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    The moment the PFY

    pushed the trolley laden with concerte aside I had premonitions. Mention of chalk outlines hightened them


  24. PFY in training


    surly no accidents on Friday 13th

    Mines the one with the rabbits foot

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Mr. Adrian Esdaile... soon as I get my hands on the budget of some beancounter who met a tragic "workplace accident", I'm gonna call you to plan my batca... er... new computer room.

  26. Mark Roome
    Thumb Up

    The only thing better ...

    ... than ending a story with "There's been a terrible accident" is starting a story with "There's been a terrible accident".

  27. mittfh

    Bombay Sapphire?

    Surely various earth incarnations of a certain H2G2 cocktail would be more appropriate...

    But the morgue trays would make an interesting fate for a clueless consultant / engineer / beancounter / luser (delete / expand as appropriate)...

    As for the excuse for installing the sauna and morgue trays - something along the lines of "with global climate instabilities, we need to test our equipment to perform adequately under all conditions".

    And something others have forgotten - a tesla coil or two (to simulate the combination of a lightning strike and corroded lightning conductor, of course - what, you mean 500kV is dangerous to humans?)

  28. Dalen
    Thumb Up

    There's been a terrible accident

    IMHO, so far this one is the best one this year.

  29. Herby

    Re: walk-in wine storage / chiller

    Please please, please!!!

    Wine for a BOFH? No, it needs to be storage for the pub's next door beer. Of course, there will be taps that happen to work in the command & control center, but that isn't the 'primary mission'!

    Everyone knows that IT people start with caffeine and end with alcohol. It is just the way the day works.

  30. Anonymous Coward

    @Adrian Esdaile

    "4. 6-axis flight simulator suite - because, um.... laptops need to be tested for turbulence in aircraft!"


    That gear would be necessary for ensuring that laptops and electronic gear doesn't interfere with in-flight avionics.

    But I believe I understand the problem, you must have been about to the bottom of that bottle by this time.

  31. /dev/me
    Paris Hilton

    What the boss has, the bastard gets. And everyone hopes it's {not without the cattleprod}

    I think I did hear the COF mutter something about you needing Virtual Thinwire?? I can supply miles of the High Quality stuff. It's definitely needed for ... erm ... Loopback Interface/Localhost DNS Resolving, greatly improving network latency. A definitive must-have.

    Maybe we can talk about this in the /pub/lic offsite business meeting point? This might be a good chance to transfer some company readies into the bastard beerfu^H^H^H^Hneficial secondary measures on network performance?

    Paris, 'cuz she knows how a couple of pints improve 'network performance'

  32. Phazedout
    IT Angle

    I have a BOFH

    soemthing I've been meaning to say fo ra while, although I'm working in Ireland my head of IT is english.

    and his name is Simon ... :O

    perhaps oru BOFH has taken retirement in the sunny west?


  33. Shriphani Palakodety
    Thumb Up


    "Crusty Old Fart i.e. someone who was there when dirt was invented". Brilliant stuff, made my day

  34. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    @Phazedout -- Not quite...

    You're forgetting that although Simon works in Britain, he's actually a Kiwi by birth (i.e. from New Zealand). Although I s'pose your Simon could be the PFY sneakily posing as his superior.

  35. David Ross Smith

    "It's not that we don't trust you..."

    "It's just that we don't trust you."

    Mine's the one with the huge slab of concrete in the back pocket...

  36. Conor
    Paris Hilton


    Nothing will stop until the pole is installed! I love it, best 'accident' yet!

    Paris: because she loves pole too!

  37. Mike

    on a serious roll

    Whatever Simon is drinking this summer, I want some !

  38. Russell Gander


    Bombay Sapphire? No matter where you travel in the multiverse, one will find SOME version of ginyntonix. It stands to reason don't it

  39. pctechxp

    I think Adrian

    Should suffer the same fate.

    C'mon man, have you no sense of humour!!

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