back to article Pope gives blessing to anti-christ terrorist squad

The Vatican’s security service will be tapping into Interpol’s computers after setting up an in-house anti-terrorism unit. According to reports, the Vatican’s Gendarmerie has put together a "rapid intervention group" and an "anti-sabotage department" as sub-units of its gendarmerie corps. The Vatican will also work more …

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  1. Claus P. Nielsen
    Joke

    Or is this in preparation for the big one?

    This must surely be the 10076'th sign of the apocalypse.

    If anyone knows when it is comming, it is surely The Pope.

    Upgrading his "special troops" is just what is needed before the demons come hauling up from the earth.

    The cover-up is of course not so much to prevent people from worrying (after all - getting people to worry about their future is what the Catholic church is all about), but rather to catch the Devil unaware.

  2. Ferry Boat

    Lil' Devil

    There's aliens out there all right. Oh yes, they are coming too. In modified airliners they'll come. Did you know planes have been disappearing from the junk yard in the Arizona desert? Taken and modified by aliens, they were. They'll come soon enough. We'll all be sucked up into the modified planes and dropped into volcanoes. No amount of baggy trousers and madness with guns will save us. They may be amongst us already.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Nobody Expects...

    The Gendarmerie Antiterrorism Squad ... Our chief weapon is surprise... and fear...fear and surprise Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

  4. Graham Marsden
    Coat

    Dahnn daaaahh!!

    Nobody expects...!

  5. Steven Raith

    @claus

    "Upgrading his "special troops" is just what is needed before the demons come hauling up from the earth."

    Pff, everyone knows that when the demons come through, the only thing that will stop them is a lone marine, left in his base while his comrades in the initial assault get slaughtered.

    he will then enter the fray armed only with a pistol and his bare fists, to take on the hell-spawn.

    Hope that helps :-)

    Steven R

  6. Stephane Mabille
    Black Helicopters

    What next? Anti-peadophilia unit?

    Hey,

    Vatican is changing... last time they had anything to do with terrorism was during operation Gladio and P2 (Propaganda 2) lodge but strangely enough, at the time they were as effective with anti-terrorism enquiries as they are co-operating on peadophilia cases today!

  7. Gordon Pryra

    Ironic

    One of the organsitations most likely to cause a war, force 3rd world countrys to have babys and burn people at the stake, given their own anti-terror organsitation.

    Is it April1st?

  8. Steve
    Flame

    More of our liberties disappearing!

    First it's crack anti-terrorist vicars and the next thing you know they'll be recording our prayers and data-mining them to use for targeted omens so your revelation experience can be more relevant....

  9. redjupiter

    Join us

    All of you are evidently disillusioned with the pope and his institution. I don't blame you, christian believers are down in numbers, churches are empty, and taken over by mosques, anti-abortion legislation etc ... etc.. etc...

    Join us and "ALLAH" "Subhanahu wa ta'ala" will grant you paradise.

  10. Peyton
    Thumb Up

    @Goron Pryra

    Hi there, 21st century here, you're welcome to join us at any time you please.

  11. P. Lee Silver badge
    Coat

    machine-guns are ok but...

    will they have the Antiochian hand-grenades?

  12. Unkle Al
    Joke

    Maybe

    it's just "God making them stupid"

  13. Chris Seiter
    Happy

    @P. Lee

    Ahh, the Book Of Armaments, Chapter 4, versus 9 to 21, unless you skip a bit. Let's just hope that the "Rabbit of Caerbannog" is not resurrected.

  14. Dalen
    Coat

    This reminds me of Civ III

    "It will cost 60 gold to upgrade this unit of Pikemen to Riflemen."

    I wonder if Vatican already has Barracks built?

    (Mine's the one with the Microprose logo)

  15. Peyton
    Joke

    @Unkle Al

    You may be on to something... after all, ignorance is bliss, so it could be a reward for their faith

    @P. Lee

    The Pope already has these. You don't know about them because he keeps them under his hat.

  16. me
    Flame

    Just to set the record straight

    The pope is not the anti-christ! He is, however, an excellent candidate for the false prophet, ie, the #2 spot.

  17. Daniel B.
    Coat

    @Steven Raith

    "Pff, everyone knows that when the demons come through, the only thing that will stop them is a lone marine, left in his base while his comrades in the initial assault get slaughtered.

    he will then enter the fray armed only with a pistol and his bare fists, to take on the hell-spawn."

    Nah, this time he'll be given the BFG9000 from the start, after reciting the holy scriptures of IDKFA and IDDQD.

  18. Eduard Coli
    Dead Vulture

    Old stuff

    Vatican guards have been armed with various types of subs for awhile.

    The pole-axe is for back scratching, cheese cutting and beheading heretics.

    The costumes are just mod.

  19. Kai Hauschildt
    Black Helicopters

    spanish inquisition all over...

    this is nothing but a ploy by the vatican to reinstate the spanish inquisition.

    thanks to their access to interpol they will now be able to track heretics all over the world.

    the black hel(l)icopter because that's what the inquisition death squads will descenfd upon us in.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Pirate

    Wow...

    The Pope has apparently just found the method to get Creationism taught instead of Evolution in the schools...the Holy Hitmen!!!

  21. Troy Shanahan
    Coat

    Bah, you're all incorrect

    Has sci-fi taught you nothing? It's always the guys with awesome melee weapons (see pole-axes) that win in a fight. Especially in Sci-fi RTS games. So if the pope has a special command and control screen to order the poleaxe guys around with, they're our best hope of stemming the alien / demon tides. Especially if they were to mount flamethrowers in the ends of their pole-axes.

    Mine's the flame-retardant one.

  22. Ascylto

    Surprise ... fear ...

    and ...

    The Comfy Chair!

    Nobody told us about THAT, did they?

    Interpol! Pfft!

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Yet again...

    ...the Vatican dazzles us with its modern approach. IIRC, the last such surprise was the pope admitting that the earth is indeed an ellipsoid, only half a millennium after that had been conclusively proven by repeated circumnavigation.

    And yet it moves...

    @Ferry Boat

    Quite the Xenuphobe, aren't we? *chuckle*

    Mine's the one with the Operation Clambake print.

  24. Steen Hive
    Coat

    Vatican

    I for one welcome back our old papal overlords.

  25. john

    What about protection of the abused children ?

    Could the Pope and his 'crack' squad possibly concentrate on protecting the flock first from all the peado. priests ?

    $600 million in the state of California and $50 million in Boston paid out to the victims of Catholic Priests child abuse.

    BJK

  26. pctechxp

    Perhaps the Swiss Guards

    Might have more luck finding Bin Liner

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