back to article What hell hath science wrought lately?

In the beginning, things were simple. That's arguably because people were far more stupid, but let's not split hairs. The point is, along came scientists with their fancy protractors, Bunsen burners and diesel-powered speedboats to complicate everything. Today there are scientific abominations all around us — and yes — they …


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  1. Herby

    Danger Will Robinson...

    Look at it this way: "Life is a terminal disease". Then say these words:

    "What is life but to live it!"

    Then remember Alfred E. Newman: "What, Me worry?".

    I'll get my coat......

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Excellent imagination, shame about the reality

    It is great to imagine what could go wrong with all these "advances", but in the real world, we all know we'll simply end up with some useful tech (20 years after it's promised)

    Heck, if it all goes well, we will actually find a decent use for hardcore genetic engineering - so far, it hasn't produced a lot of use, but I reckon it's early days and it has a lot of potential. Having a goats head, or any other genetic adjustment is purely a matter of individual choice, but eliminating any genes that lead to severe mental illnesses such as liking Vista, Religion, ClearCase or reading the Sun, then we desperately need it.

    Paris, because she has better ideas.

  3. Rob Haswell

    Liberate Tutemet Ex Infernis

    Sweet, I loved that movie - a modern day classic.

  4. Martin Lyne

    I like.

    ..the Event Horizon reference.

    Would EuroShuttles be half the size and twice the fuel efficiency?

    Not long until space is militarised and we all have to have tinfoil roofs to stop the LASERs. Could we use photovoltaic cells so the enemy power our TVs? The sweet irony..

  5. Anonymous Coward

    But wait, the best is yet to come ...

    Like the improved woman - genetically engineered so mammaries serve not milk, but beer. Add the cyborg element (beer chiiler) and "Welcome to Utopia, my friend!"

    How can we be afraid of that kind of progress!!

    Mine's the flak jacket.

  6. Simpson

    Hostility? I'll show you hostility.

    Who seethes with more repressed hostility and deception than your average IT worker?

    People who have been married for a while. That's who.

    There would be so many false alarms due to couples who want to kill each other, because they got into a fight about who was packing the luggage.. It? could never work.

    People who have had their flights delayed for several hours/days may be a little hostile too.

  7. Pavlovs well trained dog

    must be a broken link

    I expected a Register story and obviously got linked to a Fox News page.

    Please fix asap

  8. Mage Silver badge
    Black Helicopters


    Cordwainer Smith knew.

  9. Craig Roberts


    To (misquote) Kyle Reese: "Listen and understand. That BigDog is out there. It can't be bargained with, it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and it absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead."

    If the end of the world is nigh and our new robot overlords (who obviously I welcome) are set to wipe us out in the pursuit of whatever the hell it is that big scary robots are in pursuit of...

    ... Does anybody want to lend me a large amount of money?

  10. Matt Bryant Silver badge

    Oh come on!!

    Everyone knows the chimeara had six physical attacks plus breath weapon per melee round, not just the bite..... Sheesh, talk about sloppy journalism! :P

  11. Mark McC

    All valid fears except...

    The Europeans, Russians, Chinese and Americans all drive on the same side of the road.

    It's the British and Australian space programmes we need to fear.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    At the end of the BigDog video...

    ...where you get links to other videos, there is a thumbnail of a young lady. Wondering what that might lead to, I checked all my security software was up to date and clicked on it.

    Very strange clip featuring all sorts of stuff including a Japanese girl mimicking oral sex and conspiracy related nonsense. Never figured the connection to BigDog and I'm glad to report that after a thorough scan, my PC is still alrig*&*!@$*!%^^urrrgh.

    Black helicopter because the BigDog is quite unnerving.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    therein lies the beauty...

    "People who have had their flights delayed for several hours/days may be a little hostile too"

    and they'll get locked up, so they'll be unable to tell anyone how long their flights have been delayed for, and the airport looks better. thus proving the project is more to do with marketing than security.

    on a brighter note, i for one am terrified of that robot.

  14. Solomon Grundy

    Dagahra Quick Stats - Be Afraid

    Length: 73 meters

    Wingspan: 36 meters

    Mass: 17,700 tons

    Powers/Weapons: Flight at mach 10; can fire a Irabushan Beam from its mouth; able to fire Crimson energy beams from its dorsal fins; can rotate and fire Energy Rings from its body; able to create a tornado of Barems and lightning by quickly rotating itself underwater; the two cannons on its shoulders can fire either energy beams or a concentrated mixture of Barem and crystallized toxins; adept swimmer that can move underwater at 150 knots

    I'm not sure who comes up with this stuff, but all the Godzirra monsters have a fairly complex back story and lots of detailed performance info:

  15. Taskis

    Wrong side of the road...

    << a continent of people who don't even drive on the correct side of the road to navigate space >>

    I'm puzzled. I may have the wrong end of the stick here. If this article was written by an American:

    As far as I'm aware - and I'm no big traveller, so I may be wrong - most of Europe drives on the right, which is, to my knowledge, the same side that existing shuttle pilots drive on. *Britain* drives on the left, but then Britain has always refused to get involved in manned spaceflight - and since our government is currently busy extending and centralising its power and feathering its own nest at the expense of absolutely everything else, I doubt there'll be much UK outlay for visionary stuff like spaceflight. So there's not likely to be any British ships up there fouling up the lanes.

    If the article was written by a Brit:

    Existing shuttle pilots already drive on the wrong side of the road (it just happens to be the side most of the rest of the world drives on as well).

    Sorry if I've missed the point completely.

  16. yeah, right.


    actually, apart from the noise, I thought the robot was pretty cool. Does that make me a loyal peon in the impending ROTM?

  17. David Simpson

    Beware the future

    Let us not forget in this scary modern world that gene splicing may soon be subverted by the terrorists, imagine white anglo saxon suicide bombers who read the times and set up quangos.

    It could happen !

    Imagine a dirty bomb that once soundlessly dropped on western civilization may turn all childless people into "charlie chesters" then all parents would be forced to drive their own children half a mile to school everyday in 4x4s for security. This would use up our oil reserves, raise oil prices and help push our economy into dire financial trouble.

    It could happen it really could !

  18. Anonymous Coward

    Oh great...

    After reading this, I went down stairs for breakfast and before I got into the kitchen I overhead the toaster, microwave and coffee maker having a spirited debate over how to dispose of "the bodies".

    Game over man!!! Game over!

  19. Anonymous Coward

    Wrong side of the road?

    Colour me confused about the last point, but almost all of Europe drives on the same side of the road as the US, Russia and China... (the wrong side, of course).

    Kinda makes a mockery articles punchline page.

  20. Bryn Evans

    Feeling Sheepish !

    Please tell me that "E Three's" new girlfriend is not called Barbara ?

    First post - I won't hang up my coat just yet !

  21. Solomon Grundy

    BigDog Noise

    You'd think that a robot building firm would use more advanced technology than a weedeater engine, but that's what's making that noise, you can see then engine when the robot is viewed from the side. It's the big silver think hanging from the middle.

    I use the same type of engine for my large scale radio controlled aircraft. I think that part is silly, but the stability of that thing is scary - I guess that's what they were aiming for anyway. Most military contracts will spec out weird propulsion systems.

  22. C

    BigDog=Pack Mule

    It weighs 235 lbs, and can carry 340 lbs. Now if they could just get rid of that *buzzing noise*, obviously some kind of engine, then it'd be an awesome pack mule!

    If it gets out of line, just blast it with an EMP device, it won't get up after that .. and if you don't keep it shielded you will also fry your phone, GPS etc.

  23. Anonymous Coward

    What Gay Guys See

    This is why I've never understood what str8 guys see in females.

  24. David Pollard


    Shouldn't the title be "What hath hell wrought from science lately?" </pedantry?>

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nice article.

    <waves at the USAians>

  26. Slaine

    quick - throw 1d6 for surprise

    Scary GM Number 1: Given that the average humanoid shares 85% of his / her / it's DNA with a cabbage, the idea of the sheep / human hybrid really doesn't seem so bad.

    Scary BigDog number 2: OM(f)G - Would all future Mr and Mrs Connors kindly avoid calling their daughter Sarah.

    Scary Bridge number 3 - Dat's gorgeous that is, especially with the little "Tracey Island" in the middle... but looking at the map, regardless of the saline content of the water underneath, that is an estuary it crosses, not the sea. Mind you, they could close it to traffic and use it as a pretty relentless marathon. I doubt I will still be here in a hundred years... is William Hills taking bets that it won't either?

    Scary Reception number 4 - "I've got a cold, I tell you... it's just a freakin' c........"

    Scary Financial Records number 5 - Well - have you LOOKED at what that heap of junk cost and how they justified it?

    The absolute top scary prospect for the future HAS to be ...


    <carrier lost>

  27. Dave Bell

    You ought to be sheepish about that one.

    And once you have sheep, the wolves are inevitable.

    Fortunately, they can be distracted.

    Who needs Playmobil?

  28. adrian sietsma

    @Mark McC

    "It's the Australian space programmes we need to fear."

    Ours is the shuttle straddling the center line & throwing empties at passing asteroids, interspersed with crazy tailgating.

    Tux because he'd make good roadkill.

  29. Ceilidhman
    Paris Hilton

    3E-PC chic

    Is it just me or does the hybrid chic look seriously alluring.......

    Paris coz she has the brain of a newt

  30. Graeme Sutherland

    Dagahra and Hangzhou

    That's just typical. I'm in the process of organising a trip to Hangzhou, only to find out that the city's going to get flattened by a monster the size of a skyscraper.

    Thanks boffins!

    On the other hand if I take a video camera along, I can make a Cloverfield style film about my experienes. I'll just have to avoid getting eaten. :)

  31. Anonymous Coward

    Here's another crystal clear example

    Although the taser hardly qualifies as science, have a look at the before and after videos:



    Both of these are world-famous videos. The comparison is striking.

    Thanks Taser. Yeah, thanks a lot.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Video pulled.

    Black helicopters for obvious reasons.

  33. Slaine
    Thumb Up

    Graeme Sutherland: some helpful advice

    To be assured of your safety, you should wear the only yellow T-shirt and get the rest of your "landing party" to wear red. Everyone knows that senior bridge crew return from all away missions whilst the spare engineer gets it.

  34. John Savard

    Correct Side of the Road?

    I thought the Americans drove on the same side of the road as the Continentals, the Swedes, being the last holdouts, having used an ABBA concert on television to help keep people off the road during the switchover.

    So it's only you lot that might mess things up.

  35. Jeffrey Nonken

    @Here's another crystal clear example

    Not a very good comparison. In the first video, the man in the truck was loud, belligerent, angry, and vocally abusive -- but he followed instructions. Ungraciously, to be sure.

    In the second video the man was quiet and seemingly calm but he refused to sign the ticket. The ticket is not an admission of guilt, just a guarantee that he'll show up to court (or if offered may pay the fines). It's an acknowledgement that he received the ticket and understands his options.

    If he refuses to sign the ticket, his alternative is to be placed under arrest. (Heck, they covered that one in an Adam 12 episode 40 years ago. This isn't news.) This fellow refused to sign the ticket, so the officer attempted to place him under arrest. The man continued not to follow instructions.

    I'd say the officer did pretty well considering he had to deal with two uncooperative civilians, one being hysterical. (Had that been my wife, she'd have sat in the car the whole time rolling her eyes at my obstinance and thinking what an idiot I was being.)

    Would this have have happened differently without the taser? Yeah, probably the cop would have gotten more physical. Possibly with a nightstick. And I still would have very little sympathy for the guy who couldn't follow simple instructions.

    There are a LOT of examples of police using excessive force. I don't think this is one of them.

    Are there good arguments for eschewing tasers? Yep. This isn't one of them. Try again.

  36. Robert Synnott


    "Would EuroShuttles be half the size and twice the fuel efficiency?"

    More or less, yep. Higher taxes, though, and the manufacturers strike a bit. ;)

    Also, the walking goat-robot is bloody terrifying.

  37. Ishkandar

    Sundry comments

    1) Since that "chick" looked like a cow to start with, that mutation is shurly not to the correct animal !!

    2) Sod the European Space Agency. They just talk a lot and cost a lot of money and achieve absolutely *S*F*A* !! I'd put my money of Virgin Galatic to carry the British flag into space with the minimum of fuss and the maximum amount of publicity (you can trust Branson- SIR Richard, to you - on it) !! Perhaps he might even be en-nobled as Lord Richard of the Outer Reaches !! And since he (and his company) is British, all Virgin Galatic craft WILL fly on the LEFT, like all good Brits do !! Ameicans will be charged by the pounds-weight since they are mostly obese (it cost a lot of fuel to send all that lard into space, you know) !!

    3) Trust me, there are *NO* monsters near Hangzhou Bridge !! No self-respecting, intellegent monster will go anywhere where there are millions of Chinamen ready, willing and able to carve him up for their latest culinary delight ! If you don't believe me, just any shark you can find in the South China Sea !! Since there are almost none, it just proves the point !!

  38. Anonymous Coward


    Did amanfrommars finally write an entire article ?


  39. Nic

    re The BigDog

    and re the pack mule comments. The technology is simply amazing but as you said, very loud. If only we could sold the power usage and excess noise issues...

    Perhaps we could create some sort of organic version, it would obviously need protection from the elements, so perhaps a fur coat of some sort. It would need to listen for predators, so some ears. Throw in some eyes too.

    The power source could be some sort of digestive system with a mouth at one end and an anus at the other...

    This smells like America's pens that work in outer space to me.

    Pencil anyone?

  40. Lars

    The what now...

    "It's the British and Australian space programmes we need to fear."

    Are you actualy claiming that the brits would be able to launch ANYTHING into space? They can´t even light a piece of fireworks before they arrest themself for terrorism.

  41. TeeCee Gold badge

    A few things.

    John Savard: I think he means us. Any fule kno that the Yanks think that Yurop comprises Ingerland and other places. Ingerland drives on the left, therefore other places do or they'd see horrific Yuropian head-on crashes on Fox news all the time. The Channel is, after all, only a small brook and can be driven across in an SUV regardless of any annoying speed bumps (e.g. the White Cliffs of Dover).

    El Reg staff: You posted this on Friday and rather late too. This means that I got an obvious Friday article on Monday AM. My body clock is now thoroughly screwed up and I curse you for it. In future, please think of the children* before doing things like this.

    Nasty monsters in the outdoors: Chimera, pah! Try taking on a Bulette in the open, used by a DM who knows what it can do. That jump allowing all four feet in combat in addition to the bite is decidedly unfunny as is the fact that you've just been jumped on by something inadequately served by the adjective "elephantine". To add insult to injury, it also sports an armour class straight out of the FU2** category and can attack you from beneath while you are "safely" on Terra Firma. Scary stuff, I tell you.

    *I have some and they're going to have to put up with me wingeing about not knowing what ****ing day it is all week now.

    **and the horse you rode in on. Literally. It was a good horse too and I had become quite attached to it.

  42. Anonymous Coward

    RE: Oh come on!!

    And we can't forget that the avrage lvl1 human has only 1d4 hit points.

    I think the threat level has been under estameted.

    Mins the one with "I roll 20's" on the back.

  43. Richard


    You had me at Illidan

  44. Dr. Mouse

    I for one...

    welcome our new sheepman/robotic/seamonster/brain-scanning* overlords.

    * delete as appropriate, depending on who conquers us first

  45. Anonymous Coward

    Large Hardon Collider?

    It's due to come online soon and then we'll be sucked into a new black hole....

  46. Jon

    36 mile bridge

    Scariest thing about it for an englishman is it puts the French within land bridging distance.

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    all you need to take down that goat thing is a snow speeder from Empire Strikes Back.... or a skipping rope.

  48. Ross


    Je suis confused.

    They already grow organs for xenotransplantation into humans. They use pigs. It's kinda scary. Not so much the growing organs in pigs and putting them in ppl - more the way it's done. I had images of pigs running around in their sty, frolicking in mud, eating turnips etc. Apparantly that's not how it works tho.

    The mother is killed, her piglets harvested from her and they live in a "clean room" until they harvest the organs from them. If you are the recipient of such an organ (stop sniggering!) you aren't allowed to have babies, give blood, and I'm pretty sure lots of countries won't let you enter them, so you can say goodbye to holidays outside of Skeggy.

    Poor piggies....

    So clearly the argument for creating chimeras is just a smokescreen - they just want to create a mindless hive/flock army to suppress us all.

  49. DirkGently


    Now that sounds really baaaad!

    "Here's the deal — the only place where human bone marrow and sheep fetuses should be mixed together is the grinder in a hotdog factory."

    I'm not buying any hotdogs off you then... I'm not into cannibalism.

  50. StopthePropaganda
    Thumb Up


    Android dogs I fear not, for i shall unleash the Robotic Cat.

    The robot dogs chase it until their batteries/fuel cells/fusion packs expire. Then the cats sit there and sleep in the sun or run out of power, since the power recharge systems are activated by can-opener devices.

    Opposable Thumbs FTW! Team Meatsack rulez!

  51. Anonymous Coward

    Of Man and Pack Mules

    I agree with Nic (drats - you beat me to it).

    A virtually maintenance-free, bio-fuel driven, quiet, cheap version would indeed be worthwhile ....... it's called a donkey.

    Methinks these scientists don't know their robot from their ass!

  52. Mike Moyle

    Re; EEE PC Chimera-babe how many breasts do sheep have?

    (...Drops a quarter in the old jukebox and punches up D4 for the Flamingos singing "I Only have Eyes for Ewe"...)

  53. J

    Re: Dagahra Quick Stats - Be Afraid

    Hm... Sounds like the type of stuff I used to think up when playing, when I was 8 or 10... Maybe I was influenced by the Jap shows, though, which wouldn't help.

    Re: Large Hardon Collider

    Large Hardon Collider? HARDON?! Ooooohhh...

    "the only place where human bone marrow and sheep fetuses should be mixed together is the grinder in a hotdog factory."

    Good one... :-)

  54. Anonymous Coward


    Glad I wasn't drinking coffee when I read that.

    as for Large Hardon Collider?

    By Anonymous Coward

    erm, pictures speak louder

  55. Fuzzy

    Aussie space programme

    As an Aussie that just sends chills down my spine and yes you should be scared too. I can only picture some bogan with a rusted out holden ute with a rocket strapped to the back holding a tinnie yelling out "she'll be right" I got me flannie case it goes tits up"

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