Life a mess? The Moderatrix can help It's come to our attention that some of you have lost your way a little on this journey we call life, and are wandering aimlessly while attempting to answer the fundamentals of existence. How do I install a printer driver on Umbongo Linux? I'm hungry - should I order pizza or a bucket-'o-plumped-chicken-gizzards? If I have a …
Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.
Can we have a clear classification system for posters?
The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.
The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!
The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure
The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.
The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position
There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments
:o)
Dear Moderatrix,
I have a slight recurring problem, which happens every day, without fail, just as my bus arrives (as I'm heading in to work). There is a particularly bumpy bit of road just before my stop, and as the bus goes over it, it rattles my cage and...er... sends my genitalia into an excited state. It's very embaressing getting off the bus and walking through the street with alert genitals in my pants.
I have tried various solutions - covering it with a newspaper, walking with my jacket held over my arm (even in rainy weather), but nothing can hide it's presence. It's especially embaressing when I realise a colleague of mine is disembarking the bus at the same time as me, and we have to walk side by side to work - 200 metres with a stiffy :|
Apart from not taking the bus, how do I get round this embaressing situation (no permanent solutions please though, I still need him alert for the missus)?
-Stiffy
I grew up as a geek / nerd (Depending on your definition of both)
I watch sci-fi, I can debate the intricacies of technology differences between Star Trek and Star Wars, I have been known to read a comic or two, and have certainly been known to roll a D20 or two in my time. I can diagnose a computer with my eyes shut, and have a variety of OS's running on my home computer cluster.
Yet somehow I managed to get a wife and child (that's right my fellow reg readers, I have had sex and have the proof to back that claim up), I'm not shunned from parties and have been known to give a speech without resorting to techno babble. Heck if it comes to it, I'm also known to have a shower more than once a month! (No seriously, like everyday or something, I know it's wrong but I can't stop)
So the question is what did I do wrong? Where did I lose my way on the track of life known as geekdom? How did I de-rail and join 'society'? How can I hope to get back to the right way of life?
Please Moderatrix (OK, Sarah if you insist) share with me your wisdom, tell me how I should proceed, I feel like I'm letting the team down.
Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.
Can we have a clear classification system for posters?
The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.
The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!
The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure
The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.
The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position
There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments
:o)
Given that X=Y and the world is round, can you tell me if its a sin to put your socks on before putting on underpants? I come to this critical point every morning of my life and can not determine if putting socks on first will send me to hell or will open my eyes to a greater good of tackle in the wind with cosy feet.
Please Help!
Well, you did ask....
According to Miyamoto Musashi, the Kensei, in his seminal work "Go Rin No Sho":
"In the void is virtue, and no evil. Wisdom has existence, principle has existence, the Way has existence, spirit is nothingness."
Should we therefore aspire to the state of void, where virtue is present but "evil" is not, where virtue thus becomes meaningless due to the absence of its opposite - or should we abstain from the void state, in order to allow virtue to have meaning?
1) When will the Playmobil dioramas be available on Cash & Carrion?
2) Can the moderatrix questions/answers be done in the form of a Playmobil diorama?
3) Why don't we ever hear of 418 fraudsters? Is that the section covering selling an animal at the fair that's trained to return to you?
Have to say though, the moderatrix sounds like someone who'd jury rig a taser out of a harpoon gun and a scalextric controller
1. I think I'd like to marry Sarah.
2. As Carl Sagan so elequantly put it:
<regarding a photograph of Earth taken from the Voyager probe>
"Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there--on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."
So my life might be a mess, but it really does not matter. Sarah, you and I, we're stardust baby - we belong together! You bring the whips and I'll provide the astronomical observation equipment.
I've just moved into a new flat with a member of the opposite sex, and I'm not sure how to confess my addiction to Eve Online. I've managed to hide it up until now, but we've discussed PC gaming and she thinks the only people doing it are "internet wierdos"
I'm dreading the first time burst into the room and catches me typing away, with my headset on, discussing ship fittings. Should I have some pr0n or something open in the background so I can switch to that and not get busted?
Please help!!
Why is orange jam called marmalade?
Why do cricketers wear long trousers in the summer and footballers wear shorts in the winter?
how many colours are there really in a rainbow? why no brown, silver or gold?
Why is the sky blue? Is the blue you see the same as the blue I see?
Why does my agency always pay some seeming random amount that bears no relation to the invoice amount, except that it's always less than invoice amount?
What has happened to the £20k* per person a year public spending increase over the last 10 years, and can I get mine back?
* Approx £1.2 Trillion, approx 60 million people.
Oh, and shower or not. There's no sex.
This post has been deleted by its author
if a wood chuck cold chuck wood, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
how do they get the sripes in stripey toothpaste?
is this a question?
is hell exothermic or endothermic?
why?
right that should do it, I'm off to specially prepared positions in the rear
fnark!
Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.
Can we have a clear classification system for posters?
The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.
The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!
The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure
The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.
The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position
There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments
:o)
I am a software developer and my job regularly requires me to quickly identify problems in any solution that someone proposes.
Unfortunately this way of thinking has kind of become ingrained. And now whenever my girlfriend asks me a question, I will immediately respond with something like "we can't possibly do that because...".
She says I'm being negative. I say I'm being logical. What can I do to change?
Help me please!
* P.S. Sometimes it can be a useful trait. An example of this is "We can't possibly go to stay with your parents this weekend because there isn't much tyre tread left on your car/I will be hungover/we can't afford it/I have foot and mouth disease"
There's good money to be made as a web developer, and I'm fairly decent at it. The problem is that I've lost almost all interest in that career. It's a wonderful hobby, but working on the designs laid out by my company is nothing short of tedious and droll.
On the other side of the coin, I'm not really that great at anything else. Oh I'm moderately proficient in other areas, but I only excel in the IT world. Should I abandon all caution and start a career in something I might not be very good at? Or should I buckle down, stop whining, and be a code monkey?
Icon because it's the only creature that might understand my plight.
Given that climate change is causing the world to experience more and more extreme weather, fossil fuels are running out, the world's population is spiralling out of control, the socio-political climate is causing food and energy prices to rise... why are hot dogs sold in packs of 10 while hot dog buns are sold in packs of eight?
I am an Illustrator/Graphic Designer and the sole Mac-user in an office full of PCs running predominantly Windows 2000 and XP. Somehow, I have found myself in the position of being the department's Alpha-Geek and having people come to me to solve their computer problems for them, rather than waiting for a call to the MIS HellDesk to be answered. MIS has me explicitly included as an Administrator on a number of the computers here.
Short of causing someone grievous bodily harm or inducing their computer to start playing a disco remix of "The Song That Never Ends" at threshold-of-pain levels, how do I get them to stop waking me up... uh... that is... stop keeping me from my regular work?
NB: They DO appear to have enough native cunning (or naiveté) that the sign on my door that says "Beware of the Leopard" doesn't seem to dissuade them. Should I get an actual leopard? If so, how do I get around the fact that this is not a "pet-friendly" workplace?
Why is it that no matter how many online forums I post on, I never get any responses flattering enough to validate my existence? I've tried all sorts of witticisms and pop-culture references, and yet still, at the end of the day, nobody seems to care. I've even pointed out people's grammatical and spelling mistakes, but nobody ever thanks me for it. Is my brilliance is too nuanced and subtle? Do I have to wait for Web the Third, or should I give Twitter a twirl?
Twanks.
To pre-empt Moderatrix:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God'..
Paris, because she looks like Teresa...
I tried staring into the void whilst standing briefly at the coffee counter this morning but all I could visualise was a picture of Sarah Beenys breasts.
I might add though that by my vacant expression, I was accused of taking the piss out of the Polish counter staff.
Paris - because she is no Sarah Beeny.
Why does my body weight fluctuate by around 7-8 pounds a week. It has an upper and a lower bound which I've stayed in between for years but it moves between one and the other in a matter of a couple of days. What's up? Am I ill? I'm sure it' not dehydration. I don't drink alcohol and I eat a healthy diet.
Thank you.
1) How can I convince myself that the need for shiny gadgets does not override the need to eat?
2) even after showering, shaving and adopting contacts rather than my joe 90's i'm still not getting any. should I actually try talking to a woman or is that taking it too far?
3) is the ability to feel smug in most sciency / techy conversations really worth the crushing social inadequacy?
4) trek or wars?
Dear Moderatrix,
As you will be aware, Marks and Spencers offer an Italian Salad which comes complete with three sachets in the tub; pine nuts, parmesan shavings, and a pesto dressing. I never know whether I should add the pine nuts before or after the dressing to maximise my eating satisfaction, although I am fairly happy with the idea that the parmesan should be scattered on last, immediately prior to consumption. On more than one occasion I have spent so long trying to decide, that by the time I get to eating, the salad leaves are no longer crispy. I’m sure you’re experienced in this sort of thing, so what would you do with the nuts to address my limp rocket problem?
Thanks in anticipation,
HT
"Tomorrow, our famed comments Moderatrix will provide strict guidance for those of you struggling to cope."
Passed right by that. When I read your VOID comment I got excited at the prospect of an answer and failure to note above statement resulted in expression of disappontment when answer did not arrive forthwith.
My head, previously only filled with the VOID now possesses a trace of hope.
Would it be presumptuous of me to call you 'trix?
why does my work place feels more like a dilbert comic strip everyday?
why does everybody i know work in IT or teach?
and most importantly am i drinking to little caffeine ? i have about 20 cups of tea a week and 10 to 15 coffee's plus a minimum of 500ml of coke a day. as an sysems engineer i some times wonder if this is to little as i know we IT engineers(like jurno's) are supposed to live on the stuff. any suggests about upping or lowering my in take ?
heart cause this stuffs got to be bad for it.
And I'm building an old machine out of spare parts so I can play Messiah and Future Shock. Rather than waiting a few days to be able to play my games, should I instead use what I've discovered to be the world's greatest adhesive - a combination of laminate plastic and female sweat.
Also, should I reveal exactly *how* I discovered the world's greatest adhesive?
I would agree with your list except the last one. I defy you to show me a real troll in these comments. Those who would in ordinary venues be considered trolls are here celebrities and are not terribly effective (amanfromMars, Webster Phreaky, Andrew).The articles stir the s**t we just have to react and vitriol flows.
How do I turn my vast and mostly useless knowledge of current and legacy computing systems into a valid business case for getting women to find me irresistable?
Is your moderatrix really a 45 year old man living in his moms basement with an uncanning knowledge of the finder points of warhammer?
Is that an IT angle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Should I buy the current generation of the EEE, or always wait for the next model until I am too old to remember why I wanted a Banana in the first place?
How can I finish my quest of correcting everyone who are wrong on the internet?
Did you ever own one of the more flattering models of the C64, and if so, could you post any pictures of it? (e.g. C64 or GTFO)
Anon, because my future employers will probably know how to google.
How and why do so many of us dream of the lovely Moderatrix when we've scarce seen a picture of her? Her wit does surely show a lass with some degree of intellect, perhaps we are all just lust-hounds for an educated girl?
Where's the picture? WE WANT PICTURES!!!! >>> Please.
More information might help.
When I lwoke up 7 am today I weighed 13 stone 8 pounds.
Intput/output diary:
7:01 am peepee. volume: 15 seconds worth.
7:15 am approx. 500ml cold water from fridge.
7:40 am Everybody loves Raymond advert break, ate a pear.
8:20 am 1 skimmed milk cappuccino (sp.?) and 3 Marlboro lights outside cafe near work.
9:15 am Pack of M&S chicken and sweetcorn sandwiches (with the healthy eating sunflower on), cup of Earl gray and glass of sparkling water,
9:19 am Burp.
10:48 am Poo.
11:15 am approx 250 ml cold water.
12:00 pm Miso soup and tuna & salmon junior from Itsu.
12:45 pm approx 250ml room temperature water.
2:19 pm Columbian coffee machine coffee.
2:39 pm Peepee.
2:42 pm Marlboro light.
2:51 pm Apple.
4:47 pm aprrox. 250 ml cold water.
5:01 pm Marlboro light.
7.16 pm Peepee.
7:25 pm Lemon sole fillet x 2, mixture of salad leaves, lots of asparagus, 2x bottles of Becks alcohol-free.
7:48 pm Peepee.
8:19 pm Cornetto.
8:43 pm Ejaculation.
9:11 pm cup of chamomile (sp.?) tea.
Now I weigh 13 stone 3 pounds.
If I have sex with my hoover, will it give birth to a cleaner?
If not, do you want to come round and tidy my flat instead?
Hope you can help,
Regards,
Steven "What is this shower you speak of? Surely, tis as if man has become god" Raith
PS: I'm so badly tempted to make some kind of smutty comment about staring into the void, but I do worry that Ms Bees pseudo-S+M connotations would be replaced by plain violence if I did that.
PPS: I make them ask nicely before I stare into the void. My that's a well aimed hammer Ms Bee *splunch*
I've heard rumor that it is perfectly legal to engage in extra-hour activity in public in France; as long as you don't manage to ... leave anything behind on public property. Is this true?
And given the accuracy of the average couple in full swing, would falling asleep on a park bench in France make me a whore?
Mine's the one that sticks.
Pictures? You want Pictures?
Well your obviously either not an avid Reg reader, or have a very poor memory, I believe you'll find some pictures of el Moderatrix in the article on El Reg's 10th Birthday.
I would include the link, but well, I'm feeling evil, and seeing if you can use the search function properly.
P.S. Nice glasses El Moderatrix....
Reg Comments seems to be taking on a life of its own. However most of the time it's just like Groundhog Day with the same content regardless of the story.
Can we have a clear classification system for posters?
The "Me Too" - Nothing to say so I'll agree with someone else just to get a posting on the board.
The "Knocker" - Doesn't know the subject that well but that smug know-it-all who does needs taking down a peg or two!
The "Last one Laughing" - Take everything literally and suffers a total humour failure
The "First Past The Post" - Reads every other word in 10 sec flat and posts inflammatory drivel in a surge of adrenalin.
The "Troll" - The traditional stirrer position
There are more of course. I think this system could really streamline the comments
:o)
I have this girl I really like, it's going really well.
I've just got a problem. I haven't told her my dirty secret.
I'm, I'm, (swallow), an IT Manager.
I desperately love her, but I'm scared if I tell her my dirty secret she'll leave me for a "graphic artist" or some other tosser.
On the other hand, I'm scared she'll ask me one day to fix her computer, and find out my dirty secret anyway.
How do I approach this subject?
I live in Seattle (no, that's not the problem).
Several years ago, I was about to attend a relative's funeral, when the phone rang. It was my boss, at the plant hire company where I worked. He asked me to call in on their biggest client (a well known softare company), and check on a reported Aulacosternum Nigrorubrum infestation attacking the bonsai in the boardroom.
As it happened, they were interviewing candidates for a senior position that day, and mistook me for someone who, as I later discovered, was tragically killed in an electric toothbrush accident that same morning. The upshot is that I found myself being interviewed, and my observations on plant care were misconstrued as an insightful metaphor on maintaining bug free software.
So far I have been able to fake it, but now that a major release has taken place, my position as head of Product Testing is being threatened by some perceived inadequacies in the software.
What should I do?
...am I doing reading this nonsense at nearly four in the morning?
I shall now retire, and wonder why so few Reg readers have real life problems that they are keen to share with a community of smutty, showerless and very occasionally witty people, few of whom know the function of the shift key, and who may indeed only have three fingers, given that they can't reach far enough left to find the apostrophe.
Good morning :)
By Sarah Bee
"Come on, folks. Dig deeper. Stare into the void.
Into the VOID."
I looked up VOID and it the all knowing Interweb said...
–noun
8. an empty space; emptiness: He disappeared into the void.
9. something experienced as a loss or privation: His death left a great void in her life.
10. a gap or opening, as in a wall.
11. a vacancy; vacuum.
Does this mean that The Register is a vacuum, vacant or an opening?
If so, are we wasting time here and should I just stick to my slashdot overlords?
Are we able to ask more than one question?
If not, how will we know, as it's not the first one I asked?
Lastly, I think I have some Ubuntu on my shoe, it tastes a bit nutty. :S
Every male knows the One Rule of the Gents:
Thou Shalt Not Speak To Another Man While You Both Are In The Bog.
For this is true and right and good. Most of the people I know who were brought up in civilized society, and even some Americans, know the rule.
A co worker doesn't. Upon seeing me engaged in the favoured pass-time of Dr. James Riddle he had the bare-faced cheek to address me by name! I didn't answer, but my observance of the rules didn't enlighten him. He continued, delving into some horribly boring technical support problem. I finished and brushed past the incompetent in a hurry to exit (men aware of the rules know better than to wash their hands), and he *carried on speaking*.
So, my question is thus: Just what revenge should I take for this gross breach of human decency?
Chris,
Liquids cool more quickly the hotter they are compared with their surroundings. So, for maximum cooling wait a few minutes then add the milk.
However, you are probably one of the iconoclasts who make tea with a tea-bag in a cup - Do yourself a favour and invest in a teapot. Making your tea in a cup will make it taste terrible. You really should put the milk in the cup first, then add the brewed tea. This prevents degradation of milk proteins which is liable to occur if milk encounters temperatures above 75°C.
Ref: http://www.rsc.org/pdf/pressoffice/2003/tea.pdf
I have a very good lady friend in the US who is very much into me. I have lady friends who are very into me on this side of the Atlantic, but they are all quite unavailable.
Should I blow my VAT money on a ticket to the US, and shag her in ways which, should they be recorded, would now probably get a UK based viewer arrested?
Or should I continue on with the UK slog and carry on having half a dozen married women swear that they haven't got a clue as to why I am single?
Go on, lets hear your opinion on that one, m'dear!
Paris - because her video antics should be illegal too.
Steven R
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