back to article Pain ray really killer ray gun, many goats dead, says 'expert'

The US military's pain ray, aka the Active Denial System, is a certified excrement magnet. In March Reg readers learned that the US Air Force wonder weapon is still being pitched as a game changer in Iraq, a prediction that's never even been close to being tested. ADS defenders claim the Pentagon, afraid that using it would be …

COMMENTS

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  1. paulc
    Joke

    just can't resist...

    many goats died for this information......

  2. Niall
    Dead Vulture

    Ray Guns

    are for wimps, when I want to kill goats I just stare at them. Attached is a bird I did earlier.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Dear Niall

    Nothing to do with Ray Guns.

    But attached is a bird that I did earlier too.

    I'll get me coat...

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    crispy

    Hey, if i wrap them in tin foil, will they come out cooked and crispy or screaming like a ewe?(or even a jihadist);p

    maybe we should send him some more tin-foil, i got some spare ;p

    illu;p

  5. Mark Lockwood
    Black Helicopters

    Well I...

    am not scared of Bill Ray Gun

  6. david wilson

    Employee vetting?

    It would look like a serious indictment of government competence if they *had* actually let the guy in question near anything sensitive.

    Presumably even in times of hyped national threat, screening does extend further than asking "Does candidate drool noticeably?"

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Just the right source...

    You know, when I want accurate information about some weapons project I always go to the first ex-OSI (USAF counter intelligence) agent I can find.

    After all, they have a need-to-know. Right?

  8. Rob Dobs
    Flame

    WOW whats that about FBI suppression?

    Burried in this story is the allegation that the FBI forced a broadcaster to not show a program disparaging the current administration and intelligence communities.... how is that legal in any way? What kind of Nazi state are we becoming if this is true?..... Come on Reg, I know you are not the BBC, but where is your reporters hat... don't you all want to know more about the alligations that the current administration is using Nazi tactics (propaganda and media suppression)?

    Can anyone else not see the issue with the "secret police" (HSA, NSA, FBI, CIA etc) being the ones who get to decide what is secret? Shouldn't congress or a citizens panel be the ones to make this ultimate decsion on what the public should get to know?

    I can see why the government would keep weapons and other military secrets suppressed but when they F&*k up they should not have the capacity to hide it, or how will they ever learn to improve?

    I can also see why this has not been deployed.... can you imagine the political and military backlash when its learned by the world that a jeep with a ray gun melted the brains of an entire city.....? Besides, its not the cost of bullets that is making this endeavor so difficult.

  9. Kane Silver badge
    Coat

    @ Niall

    Would these be the goats that have been de-bleated, or do you just use the standard farm variety?

    "Here's looking at you, Kid" ;o)

    See what I did there? Didya, Didya?

    Mines the one with the First Earth Battalion ID card in the secret hidden pocket....

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Aww

    Leave Mr. Gaubatz alone. He's a seemingly perpetual source of cheap entertainment.

  11. Ivor
    Pirate

    Ray guns pah..

    get me sharks with frickin lasers...

  12. Charlie van Becelaere
    Boffin

    I, for one

    welcome our roasted goat overlords.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Goat stew

    "lots of good-hearted people thought they saw something" in Iraq

    Cool. So the New Mexico UFO spotters and "alien eggshell found on us.gov sites" specialists will finally move their trailer homes to new sandy locations.

    Jacques Vallée predicted that UFOs would in time morph into a concrete physical manifestation of the prevailing idea of otherworldliness - thus gnomes in the middle ages, mysterious airships in the 19th century, alien-manned flying saucers in the 20th and now ... floating WMD factory trailers, briefly spotted on maps (possibly manned by gnomes?)

  14. Matthew
    Boffin

    I, for one

    welcome our roasted goat sandwiches.

  15. Lupus

    Poor goats.

    Nah, I don't care about the humans, but damn, how dare they kill the goats!

  16. Disco-Legend-Zeke

    Wuill my Tinfoil Hat help?

    Seems to me that reflective clothing will be all that is needed to protect your army against this weapon.

  17. Richard Scratcher
    Coat

    I'll get me goat

    Mine's the Mohair one with the Cashmere lining.

  18. J
    Coat

    Re: Poor goats.

    Hey, Lupus! With a name like that, I'd suspect you're currently in sheep's clothing, mate...

  19. Robert Moore
    Black Helicopters

    @Rob Dobs

    "What kind of Nazi state are we becoming if this is true?"

    The USofA has been a police state for the past 6 years or so.

    WAKE up americans! What price are you paying for your supposed "freedom"!!

    Signed,

    A proud Canadian.

  20. Nick Woodson
    Paris Hilton

    Good One!

    Annie Get Your Goat......

  21. Cameron Colley

    RE: "a lone American [battling] politicians to locate WMDs"

    What did this read before you applied "journalistic integrity"?

    Please report what people actually said, not whatever you like.

  22. StopthePropaganda
    Stop

    bullsh*t

    there were attempts to build man-portable microwave weapons back in the 90's. one big tactical problem though. It couldn't kill before a target fired off his RPG or other weapon. Plus, it activated some suicide belt types, backscatter played merry hob with our own communications and computer gear-and the Media, while allowing middle eastern governments to build dirty bombs and send out their own handicapped or drugged to the gills children as suicide bombers, would never allow America to use a weapon that produced spectacularly nasty results (think cheap hot dogs in the microwave!)

    Which, in retrospect, is the type of weapon that Tony Stark (Iron Man) refers to as the weapon "you only have to use once."

    Is El Reg doing nothing but being a propaganda arm for anti-western forces these days? two "conspiracy" articles in one day by proven self-interested parties with an agenda to take down "The Man".

  23. John F***ing Stepp
    Black Helicopters

    Screw the goats

    Think we've got time?

    and if you haven't heard that one (doffs hat while helicopter goes down) tis sad.

  24. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Pirate

    All so funny.....

    I mean, what a stooooopid lot them Yank scientists are, all those silly weapons, why on Earth would they want to develop them when the World is such a peaceful place? And Saddam didn't have any WMDs, ever! In fact, it was all so gosh darn funny I was going to ring an old Kurdish friend to share the humour, but then I remembered his parents were two of the 30,000 Kurds killed by Saddam's non-existant WMDs in 1988 in Halabja, so he probably wouldn't get the joke.

    Face it, there are three kinds of people in the World - dicks, pussies and assholes. If you've seen the movie, you'll know where that's going! Dick, you're a pussy (and I suspect gender confusion is probably not new in your life). You should take comfort in the fact the US administration actually worries about how the Pain Ray is perceived, as there are plenty of asshole governments out there who wouldn't give a damn if it was in their hands.

    And who cares if Obama was brought up a Muslim, I'm more worried about his association with the nutty Rev Wright, the crooked Tony Rezko and ex-"revolutionary" Bill Ayers.

    So please leave one of our fave pieces of (non)death tech (fries bad guys and does the popcorn all in one!!) alone and go take your politics back to Indymedia where they might be appreciated.

  25. Beelzeebub
    Flame

    They will be punished

    Just look at a goat and you will see me, they were made in my image.

    No coat 'cos it's f***ing hot in here.

  26. Andy Bright
    Heart

    Scared yet?

    Now consider that people like this and the other nutters described in this story, make up a large percentage of the population of certain states in the US. Also consider that many similar people broadcast incessantly on national broadcast radio, as they have no neutrality policies or laws to stop them.

    So a right wing nutjob can broadcast his inane ramblings and conclusions all day and night, and the aforementioned retards populating certain states just lap it up.

    Perhaps you'll begin to understand how Bush became President.. twice. In comparison he's a tolerant, socially responsible and intelligent fellow whom the crazies put up with. Yes that's right - put up with. They'd prefer someone a lot more fanatical about religion, invading other countries and dealing with the Mexican invasion. Now be scared. These people gave Bush the popular vote - in other words they outnumber the sane. Amongst their number is Dick Cheney - a man convinced that not only are there huge numbers of Hezbollah sleeper cells in the US, but also that they're awaiting a completed nuclear program in Iran to supply them with the weaponry required to blow up US cities. Neat huh? This guy takes over if Bush fails to recover from another pretzel attack.

    Now while Hezbollah are usually a group of individuals living very much in Lebanon, he's stuck with them because Al Quaeda and other terrorist groups aren't allowed in this country on political grounds. Remember the chase for WMDs turned into "fighting them over there, so we don't have to fight them here".

    So there you have it. The US will try desperately come up with a sane President next time around, but actually you should be grateful he isn't the sort of person described in this story. Meanwhile the two relatively sane contenders are doing their level best to destroy each other's careers and let a GW clone back into the White House. Three cheers for the man that wants another 100 yrs of war in Iraq.

  27. Schultz

    Commercial technology

    Why do they waste big amounts of money to duplicate commercial technology? I can tell you from firsthand experience that commercially available Microwave Ovens are perfectly capable to produce some well done pieces of goat. OK, need to tether and slaughter before, and it won't have the redneck feel of open air roasting, but tasty nevertheless. Better, of course, if you use the grill, but nuking it is, in all cases, a lot faster.

  28. Rogan Paneer
    Coat

    Good ol' USA

    What is it about the USA that nurtures the barking mad activists like Mr G? Is it just a distrust of organised society, or does conspiracy theory take over the mind, as in 'when the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail'.

    The coat, because the following old Goon Show exchange seems very applicable to Mr Gaubatz:

    Neddy- 'is my jacket straight?'

    Gritpype- 'yes, and i must say a straightjacket suits you perfectly'

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    @ @Niall

    Pics or it didn't happen!

    Oh, wait...

    Mine's the one with the camcorder in the pocket

  30. Wayland Sothcott
    Pirate

    I don't believe it's that effective

    It sounds like you can just focus the ray on any sized area upto football pitch size and instantly kill anyone in the area even if they are indoors.

    Anyone who has played with WiFi (120mm wave size) will be aware that it's particularly fussy about walls and trees and foil backed plasterboard. The smaller the wave size the more fussy it gets, the Ray Gun has what was it 10mm waves?

    The other thing you will notice about radio waves is they also tend to go where you least expect them to. You may not be able to get a good signal in the bedroom from the router in the front room, but someone across the valley 1km away is surfing on your signal.

    This weapon does cause a very strong burning sensation in the line of the beam, we know this, reporters have tested it. I expect the power can be turned up and I expect the experimental version can kill. However all those stray waves would cause serious problems at high power levels. No wonder people were not allowed too close to the testing labs.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Halo

    First we had Chemical Ali....

    ...now we have Death Ray Dave.

  32. Daniel Wilkie

    @Matt Bryant

    Of course you know who shipped them "Crop Spraying helicopters" and permitted Dow Chemicals to export chemicals for use on humans for the war on Iran don't you... And supplied them kit to extend their missiles range...

    And indeed France, Italy, and Portugal supplied them with Uranium and Germany helped them build centrifuges...

    And indeed good old blighty supplied them with other weaponry too.

    Then they decide to stop fighting each other, and all of a sudden we realise it was perhaps a bad idea... Politics is an interesting old game.

  33. Dean H.
    Alert

    Please Clarify

    "Gaubatz, described as a former veteran of the Air Force's Office of Special Investigations.."

    What does being a former veteran mean?

    Was he a veteran, but had his entire military standing retroactively revoked?

  34. Jonathan Edwards
    Coat

    @Rogan Paneer

    "What is it about the USA that nurtures the barking mad activists like Mr G?"

    It's the flouride they put in the water.

    Mine's the white lab coat with the pocket protector and safety goggles...

  35. Steve Mann
    Joke

    Weapons of Mass Repulsion

    I wonder if the pentagon would be interested in developing my own non-lethal -I-s-l-a-m-i-c- unspecified future combatant repulsion system.

    I call it the Mk 1* Bacon Catapult. The strategic, long range version - the Rasher Rail Gun - has proven disappointing in tests, but if I can get enough money from the taxpayers I'm sure I can get it to work "properly".

    * - Always indicate room for imrovement when proposing public-funded research - gotta keep those cash taps wide open.

  36. Red Bren
    Pirate

    @Niall

    Chuck Norris could beat you in a staring contest with his eyes closed!

  37. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Pirate

    RE: Daniel Wilkie

    Yes, a very funny game indeed. But before you try to imply that it was just nasty old Reagan and the Republicans, you may want to check the number of export licences for similar kit granted by the Democrat Presidunce Carter's administration

    In the meantime, I'm all for the US developing a version designed to kill. At the end of the day, whether you shoot them with a rifle, shake'n'bake 'em with Snake and Nape (sorry, that would be "incendiary agent" as the Mark 77 bombs use jet fuel and polystyrene and not petrol and polystyrene, so it's officially not banned napalm), or just fry them with a microwave cannon, the result is the same - one very dead and probably mangled corpse. The difference is how many US/allied lives could be saved by using whichever weapon. And to be honest, unlike Dick, I probably care more about the US soldiers coming home safe and sound rather than infringing some jihadi's rights by frying him.

  38. Robert Hill

    @Steve Mann

    ROTFLMFAO...now you just need to explain to our Yank readers what a "rasher" is...

    HINT to our US readers: it has nothing to do with a skin condition, more like a pig that has lost his skin...

  39. John
    Thumb Down

    Should have been titled...

    ...Whack-job Spouts Off. Would have save me time reading up to that point.

  40. ian
    Happy

    Dave Gaubatz is ...

    ... Baron Munchausen.

    Fantastic!

  41. Pete "oranges" B.
    Joke

    Maybe...

    ...Skippy has a buddy in the Air Force and in an unfortunate attempt to make the world's largest s'more, they have succeeded in covering the thing with sugary residue, which is still in the process of being removed to this day?

    OK, no but it makes for a funny visual.

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