was he shagging his own picnic table in his garden or somebody elses picnic table? i think that's a pretty central fact to my opinion here.
I mean it's just not on to go to a park and shag someone elses picnic table.
An Ohio man has admitted to four felony counts of public indecency after a neighbour caught him on camera having sex with a picnic table, local news outfit WTOL11 reports. Bellevue resident Art Price Jr, 40, molested the round metal table on four occasions "between the hours of 10:30 am and noon". A video of his last furniture …
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FTFA: Some neighbours are reportedly worried that Price's three school-age kids might take some stick if their school friends get wind of the scandal.
Hmmm, so is telling a TV reporter that Art Price Jr. has 3 children at the school down the road really the best way of preventing the school friends from finding out?
Charging him with porking his table near a school is a bit much. I think we've all had a tug at some point in vague proximity to something else that may not appreciate the aesthetics of the performance. was the table itself underage? And exactly who has been harmed by this sweet, sweet lovin'?
Does anyone else think something might be amiss when Captain "Johnson" says "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around."
Which for a story about a man pleasuring himself using the umbrella hole in a picnic table is so apt....
Mines the one with the toy police badge pinned to it.
"A woman's like cactus and cactus can hurt
'Cause she's just a tight-waisted winky-eyed flirt
She'll soon have your land and your pride and your gold
And bury you deep long before you grow old
A four legged friend, a four legged friend
He'll never let you down
He's honest and faithful right up to the end
That wonderful one-two-three-four legged friend"
The critical question here (in line with the first commenter above) is whether it was a public or private performance. I can concede the complaint if it was public, but if it was private, what business is it of any third party?
Or are we supposed to assume that anything which can be captured on video by nosy neighbours is automatically public from now on?
@VampyreWolf: Observed temperatures in Bellevue, OH on March the 14th: 34-45°F (1-7°C) that might explain.
But that may also point out to nosy neighbours, in that weather on a metal table he'd have had a hard time to get hard, the guy might have invited the picnic table in, hence the uttermost arousal of the table & partner having sex in uncanny locations ... hmmm ... I'm getting carried away ... sorry.
Forgot to mention the guy's children's names: Al-Desk, Bench-amin & Chair-y.
So, how horny do you have to be, to be able to achieve orgasm by shoving your penis in either a splintery, hard table, or a cold steel tube? Never mind, not too sure I want to know...
So, he's dumped Rosie Palms & is now taken up with Patty O'Furniture.
...mine's the straitjacket.
...has nobody comments on what the police officer says "While sex with picnic tables is normally considered a misdemeanour"
FKN NORMALLY???? if there was ever an adjective used in completely the wrong way then this must take the biscuit.
Ahhh... my mistake, 'Normal' is such a subjective word... as in Normal for Norfolk... and now obviously Normal for America.. i learn such alot on El Reg.....
Paris Hilton because she might have been lying on the aforementioned table with Harry Potters cloak of invisibility on
...he was unable to afford the new play tables the kids had wanted to play picnic with, and this was the only way he could think of getting new little tables.
This then begs the question as to why he was sodomising the table? Surely if the table was on all fours (as most tables are) then he would have been going through the back door (as it were). Someone really needs to explain this to the chap.
Mind you, some experience of sodomy might stand him in good stead for a stint in prison.
IT angle, if he was trying to create tables, "Access" would've been a lot easier.
The table HOLE surely gave him a better time than his frigid wife AND
at the very WORST, the public display was at LEAST as clean as the rubbish they force on our children disguised as Sex Education!
Three CHEERS for the tableFocker!
He must have been uncircumcised or the friction would have been fatal to passion, SURELY?!! WHAT do YOU think, Benny Hen?
I remember when I lived for a couple of years in Cupertino being surprised to read that the "city" had a absolute ban on houses more than 1 floor on the grounds that you could look into a neighbours garden (or more correctly "neighbors yard") from a first floor window! Perhaps they was a culture of garden furniture abuse going on that they wanted to keep hidden!
"FFS, you can't have sex, i.e. procreate with an inanimate object. This chap, the bicycle banger, the hoover humper and all the rest of them were using their 'partner' as masturbatory aids." (you were trying to think of 'table thumper' to go with bike banger and hoover humper?)
I thought the hoover was quite animated at the time.... don't know about the byke tho tis quite possible the poor thing was thrashing about, and as for this chap's 4 legged friend, well it's hard to say without seeing the UToob vid of the action. Those neighbors really ought post one of the vids they have!
Mines the one with the holopix of my five legged pal on the back...
I certainly hope the mental health community in that area has grief counselors talking to the table's relatives and friends - especially the chairs who witnessed this horrendous act of abuse on their innocent friend - and that the victim has undergone testing for STDs and is receiving intense counseling to get through this sordid event. I send my condolences to the table's family in their time of despair, and wish them well along the round cold hard road they must follow....
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