Wombat rape ordeal turns NZ man Australian

A NZ man who rang emergency services claiming he'd been left speaking Australian as a result of rape by a wombat has been sentenced to 75 hours' community service, stuff.co.nz reports. Nelson District Court heard earlier this week how on the afternoon of 11 February, 48-year-old orchard worker Arthur Ross Cradock initially …

[Anonymous Coward]

crazy

could only happen in ameri.. no, hang on, now i'm confused

[GrahamT]

Wombatting for the other side

For a Kiwi to be left speaking Strine must be the worst thing that could happen to him. He should sue the Wombat for every penny it has.

The rest of the world still wouldn't be able to hear the difference though.

(ducks rapidly approaching ANZAC flames.)

[Aram]

I'm not making it up

> Cradock was subsequently charged with "using a phone for a fictitious purpose"

How is this is an offence?

When I first read the title I was wondering if the NZ man was seeking asylum in Oz.

[Slaine]

prevent this story falling into the hands of the Friday Bootnotes department

Lester Haines, you REALLY must get out more.

[Scott]

What a bum!

I hope the wombat didn't suffer any injuries in this needless tragedy.

[bob_blah]

Why would you not want this published?

Another proud day for NZ's judicial system, where an innocent man who is obviously traumatised having been violated by a ferocious creature is persecuted by the State for having the audacity to speak in a civilised accent.

Mine's the one with the big aussie fag on the back.

[jai]

@ bob_blah

i assume you meant flag?

[Anonymous Coward]

How is it an offence?

>> Cradock was subsequently charged with "using a phone for a fictitious purpose"

>How is this is an offence?

This law dates from the days when there were only 5 phones in NZ, and they were on a party line (the 1980's). The PM got mighty stroppy if you were on the line when he wanted to have a heart-to heart with Maggie.

[bothwell]

@Aram

> Cradock was subsequently charged with "using a phone for a fictitious purpose"

How is this is an offence?

I would imagine that the "rang emergency services" part of the act was the offence rather than making stuff up per se.

[Anonymous Coward]

A whole new historical perspective

This probably explains how all those English-speaking convicts came to speak Australian so quickly.

Did British officials employ wombats for this purpose? Sounds like secret exploitation to me.

[Jared Earle]

@Aussie Fag

"Mine's the one with the big aussie fag on the back." Um, whuh? Does it make you speak strine?

Having spent an afternoon with a NZ web dev, I can confirm the easiest way of telling them apart is in NZ they say "World Wide Wib" and in Oz, they say "World Wide Web".

Yeah, I know.

[TeeCee]

@bob-blah

"....big aussie fag...."

Isn't that in contravention of Rule 1 (and 3, and 5, and 7)?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re:big aussie fag on the back

Are we talking cigarettes here, or , umm, wombats?

[philip]

Are we sure it was a wombat?

Perhaps it wasn't one after all, but in fact a Hobbit.

Both are small, hairy and fond of running around waving their sword.

[Ian Hunter]

@GrahamT

Surely it should be he'll marSUEpial the wombat for every penny it has?

[Richard]

@bob_blah

Is that a typo or are you admitting what many have suspected actually hides behind the Oz macho veneer?

[Anonymous Coward]

Was it..

..banging away like a belt fed wombat?

Mines the DPM one stained with gun grease....

[Anonymous Coward]

@Anonymous Coward (1)

You mean NZ has 6 phones now? Wow, that's progress.

[Anonymous Coward]

"using a phone for a fictitious purpose".

How is that even possible? Whatever you're using it for, it becomes a real purpose the minute you're actually doing it. Well I can see why they'd want to stop people doing things like that, the paradox might destroy the entire universe!

Or does it mean "using a phone as a plot device"? Calling up Sherlock Holmes for a chat?

[Cavan]

@ TeeCee

Mind if we call you Bruce?

Rule 1 ..... No

[Matt]

Telling them apart

Get them to say "66" or "fish and chips". I'm dying with curiosity to find out what a fictitious phone usage is :-)

[bob_blah]

fricken el key!

yes, it was a typo.

but now that you mention it, I was wondering what that boke was doing there a this time.

surey its pint o'cock!

[Sarah Bee]

Re: fricken el key!

If anyone asks bob_blah if those were typos, I will come round and break their computer with an axe.

I think 'drink a pint o'cock' is the new 'eat a bowl of fuck'.

[Eduard Coli]

Wot?

Had that alf been bit by a berko devil he'd likely be a apple eater by now.

[Wile E. Veteran]

Ficticious calls

Most jurisdictions here in the US have similar laws about making "hoax" calls to emergency services. Plus there are the Federal laws about making "hoax" calls using a radio (to the Coast Guard, for example). Hoax (ficticious) calls are no joke - they not only tie up a phone line (that's the least important aspect) but they tie up an emergency operator or watchstander and may result in the dispatch of police, fire or search-and-rescue assets all of which could result in a legitimate emergency not receiving a timely response.

This guy obviously needs help and should get it -- in prison.

[James O'Brien]

I think we are all missing the point here

"I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out. Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all.''

Two key things here.

1) The wombat pulled out!! Cant sue for child support.

2) It didnt hurt his bum at all. Cant sue for pain and suffering.

Of course it does beg to ask. . .did he atleast get a courtesy reach around?

[Luther Blissett]

Could have been much worse

If it had been a pink elephant.

[Reid Malenfant]

WONDERFUL

Wombat Rape; priceless - but you already had me with the parallel universe story.

Well done El Reg, this is what keeps me coming back.

Now if you could only do something about the relentlessly inane and, oh so boring, OS flame wars .... its like watching paint dry and just about as pointless.

[StopthePropaganda]

it's not rape

if the 'victim" consents. I'm sick of all these people changing their story out of regret the morning after. Who suffers, the poor wombat, or sheep-unless it's a bigger animal but that's a horse of a different color.

*rimshot*

[Anonymous Coward]

It was funny,

laugh. Honestly some people need to be wombatted to let a little out.

[combatwombat]

it wasn't me, I didn't do it, yer honour!

Honest, it wasn't. Never even been to Nelson.

[LaeMi Qian]

Six

Always fun times at highschool getting NX exchange students up at assembly to say "Six is between Five and Seven".

Now if it had been a sheep and the roles of perp. and victim had been reversed he might have escaped the 'ficticious' bit of the charge.

[David]

Quit with the sheep jokes.

I am from NZ and please quit with the sheep jokes. I am sick of it. Makes me horny when people talk about sheep all time.

[Sceptical Bastard]

@ Sarah Bee

QUOTE: "'drink a pint o'cock' is the new 'eat a bowl of fuck"

God Sarah, we sad geeks just *love* it when you talk dirty ;)

[Jon Tocker]

Cut it out, you lot!

Being raped by a wombat is no laughing matter and sounding like a bloody Aussie is the worst possible thing that can happen to a Kiwi.

The other way for Continentals and Europeans to tell the difference between Kiwis and Aussies is to ask them to say "g'day".

If they sound like they're whining, they're Aussies - and they complain about "whinging Poms". At least the Poms can greet you without it sounding like a complaint.

@ James O'Brien:

A wombat give a reach-around? You've gotta be kidding. The little bastards only care about their OWN satisfaction!

Yep, mine's the coat with the silver fern, kiwi and Southern Cross (with the right number of stars in it) on the back. No wombat claw marks, though...

[Tim Bates]

Re: Telling them apart

Ha ha... That reminds me of when the NZ prime minister was in Australia for some reason, and the Chaser guys went to a press conference and asked some silly questions... Including something like "What's 2+4?"... Which she refused to answer while in Australia.

[Davy]

Davyc

I was in nelson in 1982 and there were no wombats around in those days; you had to make your own entertainment. they are native to OZ but not NZ. how did it get there ?bloody marsupials, comin' over 'ere etc..

[Anonymous Coward]

Wombats

Eats, Roots and Leaves....selfish little buggers!

[Daniel]

@Wombats by AC

That's "Eats, roots, shoots and leaves"

Don't bother, I'll get it myself.

[Ishkandar]

@David

Then you should stop eying up all those Welshmen's girlfriends, shouldn't you ??