back to article BOFH: Fun with automatic doors

"Really, I thought they'd be right up your alley!" the Boss sniffs disappointedly. "They're just sliding doors!" I comment. "Yes, but they're intelligent sliding doors – they've got scanners and a computer interface and everything!" "That's as may be, but they're not secure doors." "Yes they are, they use face recognition …


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  1. Anonymous Coward


    The current run of articles are beginning to make me laugh like I used to.

    Marvellous. Umm, must get a pair for home.



  2. Anne Bokma

    No use then...

    No use getting my coat, I dont dare use the door ;)

    good one again

  3. Stuart
    Thumb Up


    Where can I get a set of these for the entrance to IT? and do they do bulk orders, need a set for the entrance to mission control.

  4. Dr. Mouse
    Thumb Up

    I WANT ONE!!

    Could you please give me the name of your supplier. I do beleive that, erm, the benefits in both... time management, and security would prove these, errr... inteligent secuity devices of worth, and bring in a... healthy return on investment, as well as improve... hmmm... erm... staff moral.

    (ie. It would allow me to spend hours coding them, great for my own time management coz I wouldnt HAVE to manage my time. Security would be increased because **I** controll it, not "security", so all those arseholes who wouldnt know a secure password if it bit their dicks off wouldnt get into the building. It would net me planty of cash for faking work on the routines, and charging overtime for it. AND I would get a few laughs seeing people covered in hot coffee, stuck inside/outside, or even trapped IN the doors..)

    Anyhoo, top episode!

  5. Richard Large

    I want!

    Where can I get these? I'm sure I can think of a myriad of uses for them in the work place for toying with the bos- I mean, improving security.

  6. amanfromMars Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    Mind the Doors, Please.

    Another MasterClass of Adventure, Simon ..... it must be Friday.

    And in AI SMART Assed World, would IT be ....Plenty of time to help security... uh... downsize and/or resize to Critical Mass.

  7. Michael
    Thumb Up

    A thing of beauty!

    What a good start to Friday afternoon - nice one Simon (I'm sure I've used those doors myself at previous companies!).

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Humble Apprentice

    This is a great idea!!, can it be adapted for revolving doors????

  9. Anonymous Coward

    Extruded Aluminium doors?

    Home come there wasn't a broken paperclip "accidentally" connecting it to a 230v supply for when the head beancounter walked through (or grounded doors, 230v handle and a "broken" auto-open system)? Is the Bastard going soft?!

    Saying that, I really must get a set for work...

  10. Anonymous Coward

    Simply marvellous!

    We have the beta version of these doors at my own personal hell (aka workplace), they do not slide but the mood recognition is certainly present. Anyone in a rush (particularly come 3pm on a Friday) is reduced to impotent rage as the doors remain unmovable and the would be escapologist is mockingly beeped at.

  11. ChessGeek

    Shoplifters Beware

    If retail stores could get hold of these, the savings from theft prevention might actually lower prices a little.

    Not to mention the entertainment value as some would-be thief got cut off short.

  12. Trevor
    Thumb Up


    Nice one Simon!

    I'd install them on the crapper, to recognise the bosses face when desperate due to the large amounts of laxatives that "fell" into his morning brew.

    The more desperate he appears the slower the doors would open!

    Or put razor blades on the door jam and shut the door real fast....

  13. Rosuav
    Thumb Up


    Thanks Simon, I needed that laugh! Best episode in a while. It's hilarious when you can see something coming, you can predict what the BOFH's going to do... and then he does it - and goes further than you imagined. Brilliant!

  14. alyn

    additional programming

    Could the program be adapted to modify the entry time to show that I was in at precisely 8:59:59 each morning and left at 17:01? Also not to record generous lunch "hours" at the pub.

  15. B Johnson

    BOFH at Heathrow T5

    Respect for the BOFH at T5.

  16. dervheid
    Thumb Up


    More, More.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I was wondering what to do with it

    This program I mean. So apt for mischief

  18. amanfromMars Silver badge

    42 Boldly Go ITs Beyond?

    "Thanks Simon, I needed that laugh! Best episode in a while. It's hilarious when you can see something coming, you can predict what the BOFH's going to do... and then he does it - and goes further than you imagined. Brilliant!" ...aka Leadership, Rosuav.

    IT is AI Gift in Global Operating Devices...... 42 Present ITs Futures and their Derivatives/Paralleling Tangents Assisting a Tangram Network InterNetworking..

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Lameness Rating:

    Extremely Not Lame!

  20. David Haig
    Black Helicopters

    Never trust a security door ...

    Once finished up installing a door entry system for a company I worked for and needed to get the software modded for a particular entry point. Software was in French so called their offices in Paris, who promptly told me they'd get an engineer to call back as they were only the distributors.

    Half an hour later an 'engineer' phoned from the Israeli army to ask why we were using their 'classified' software and had we signed their version of the official secrets act. After 20 mins of interrogation it was obvious they weren't going to do the mod so we chucked the software and bought some mechanical keypads.

    Strangely it was a well known UK security company that sold us the original software ....

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Changing in/out times

    "Could the program be adapted to modify the entry time to show that I was in at precisely 8:59:59 each morning and left at 17:01?"

    Flashback: one of my former workplaces did away with punch-clocks and bought a "state-of-the-art" biometric personnel checker software. You key in your employee number, and place your finger in the fingerprint scanner. The idea was that no-one else would be able to check you in. Nice.

    ...except the system used Access as the DBMS. 2 days after I was informed of this, no one in IT was ever late again, or so the system tells. And computers never lie, do they? ;)

  22. Unknown_Noel

    Lets Escalate the Ante...

    Possibilities, possibilities. Any escalators in the building? Revolving doors with mechanical assist and a reverse gearing? Oh my, I think the BOFH is just getting started. First the elevator, then the doors, next the ... ???

  23. StopthePropaganda
    Thumb Up

    elevator use?

    I assume this magic controller can be linked to an elevator access system? locking out certain floors, locking certain individuals in only at certain times, locking out any crabby individuals from the IS floor, allowing friendly females of certain minimum "assets" through after 5pm...

    the possibilities, endless!

  24. Graham Marsden

    But do they say...

    Glad to be of service...!

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    @ Tim

    Well said. Very eloquently spoken. And a F*ck you to all the haters who seem to think that they have a right to judge! FFS, i wouldn't mind betting that all the people, that commented negatively, would give their eye teeth for the ability to provide for their family as this man can. All you have to do is concentrate and work hard. A concept lost on most of the inhabitants of this green and pleasant land!

  26. Matt

    Escalators, too

    Just keep an eye on the direction the user is facing, and send the escalator in the opposite direction

  27. Brian


    my gosh, the uses I could use this for!!!

  28. Svein Skogen

    Make them secure?

    Just allow the open/shut algorithm to switch off/on the motion-sensitive autoturret on the inside of the door. Set up the turret for 15second burst. Rumours spread.


  29. Brett Leach

    @Dr Mouse

    Another fine product from Bastards Incorporated.

  30. Remy Redert

    Re: Make them secure

    I would suggest a much, much, much shorter 10 round burst. Otherwise you'll have issues with overpenetration into the next 3 blocks if you're using any decent caliber.

  31. Aeternus

    On the revolving doors idea

    ... I could think of a few things that could be quite interesting regarding them revolving doors. Of course, a few tweaks to the revolving engine to allow for... mmh... blockage purging. (Read: Revolving doors that multitask as ventilation devices for the entire building...)

    Add to that the security shutters... and you got yourself one Beancounter Blender Deluxe. Mrow!

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