The Story of the Emperor's New Adverts
Story of the Emperor's New Adverts
With apologies to Hans Christian Andersen
Once there lived an Advertiser who was so fond of spywear and routekits that he spent developing them in the hope of making even more money. He did not care about security, he did not care about the people; he only liked to make money. He had an excuse and justification for the people’s fears, every hour of the day he would pronounce trust me, I am not a bad man. My past products were not spywear, and lo the BBC trusted him, and he was happy.
In the great where he traded there was always something going on; every day many strangers came there. One day two impostors arrived once went by the name Ernst & Young and the other was 20/80. They wrote reports and said “yes we trust you, you are not a seller of bad things. We absolve you, and all you do is good. The people will be happy and protected from all that is bad. They said that they knew how to manufacture a report that was so trustworthy only a fool would not believe it. And so they did, they wrote a report wit such texture that we words were spun so greatly that the government believed it. the companies believed it , and the broadcasters believed it . It was written with the most beautiful words imaginable. Not only were the words and syntax written in a most uncommonly beautiful way, but the whole report was of the quality that no advert peddler could ever imagine. The report was so fantastic that all of the bad things went away as it possessed this wonderful property called spin that had never been seen in this way before. The spin was so good that they said it will be invisible to anyone who was not fit for his office, or who was unpardonably stupid.
'Those must indeed be splendid adverts,' thought the Advertise. 'If I had them on my web servers I could find out which men in land would help me with the spin and I could distinguish the wise from the stupid! Yes, this report must be written for me at once.' And he gave both the impostors much money, so that they might begin their work.
They placed two computers, and began to do as if they were working, but they had not the least thing on the computers, no research no law nothing. They also demanded the finest truth and wisest words, which they put in their report, and worked at the blank computer till late into the night.
'I should like very much to know how far they have got on with the report,' thought the Advertiser. But he remembered when he thought about it that whoever was stupid or not fit for his office would not be able to the truth. Now he certainly believed that he had nothing to fear for himself, but he wanted first to send somebody else in order to see how he stood with regard to the law. Everybody in the whole town knew what a wonderful power the truth had, and they were all curious to see how bad or how stupid their neighbour was.
'I will send my old and honoured minister to the writers,' thought the Emperor. 'He can judge best what the truth is like, for he has intellect, and no one understands his office better than he.'
'Is it not a beautiful report?' asked the two impostors, and they pointed to and described the splendid truth which was not there.
'Stupid I am not!' thought the man, 'so it must be my good office for which I am not fitted. It is strange, certainly, but no one must be allowed to notice it.' And so he praised the truth which he did not see, and expressed to them his delight at the beautiful truth and wisest words with such splendid texture. 'Yes, it is quite beautiful,' he said to the advertiser.
Everybody in computer land was talking of the magnificent report, this great system, which would save them all from untargeted advertisements, all hail to the great Advertiser they sang, all hail to Phorm went up the cry from the great leader of the internet, all hail to Phorm sang BT, Virgin alike, while . Car Phone Warehouse pondered and though yet still they sang all hail to Phorm.
Now the Advertiser wanted to read it himself so he brought together a great crowd of select followers, amongst whom were both the worthy buisness who had already been there before, he went to the cunning impostors, who were now spinning and name calling with all their might, but without a shred of truth.
'Is it not splendid!' said both the old statesmen who had already been there. 'See, your adverts so targeted so fine. See the protection form the evil Phishers!' And then they pointed to the report, for they believed that the others could see the the truth just as they could see it as well.
'What!' thought the Advertiser 'I can see trouble and law, I can see RIPA and DPA! This is indeed horrible! Am I stupid? Am I not fit to be the Great advertiser? That was the most dreadful thing that could happen to me. Oh, it is very beautiful,' he said. 'It has my gracious approval.' And then he nodded pleasantly, and examined the report and believed all of the spin and guff and nodded with a happy smile.
His gathered his investors around him and they looked and looked, and read and read, and saw no more than the others; but they said like the Advertiser, 'Oh! it is beautiful!' so wonderful what can go wrong, and they invested millions. And they advised him to show the world his wonderful new adverts.
In the morning he called the PR he called the media, he called the stock market. Come Look at the great advert system I have invented, come look at the report that sings its praises, come look at me, I am not a Spywear peddler or rout kit seller, I am the Great saviour of the world, I will Protect you all from untargeted adverts .
'Spun words are so wonderful that one would imagine that not one word was the truth.
'Yes,' said all the leaders and the BBC we believe everything you tell us. , but they could see truth , for there was no truth there.
And they called a press conference so the Great Advertiser could tell the world of his new plan and the reports came, and the TV people came, and the interviewers came. And he told the world, and it was reported. The stock price went up, and money was made and the great Advertiser was happy, the inverters were happy and So the Advertiser went along in procession of media and web chats across the Internet and media he went, and to all the people on every computer, and interview he said , 'How matchless are the Advertisers great adverts! and as they listened and read they all great that the Great advertiser was truly wonderful.
No one wished it to be noticed that it was all spin, for then he would have been unfit for his office, or else very stupid. None of the spin before had met with such approval as these had.
'But he talking rubbish !' said a reporter at El Reg at last.
'Just listen to the innocent reporter!' said the a man in the comments, and each one whispered to his neighbour what the reporter had said.
'But he is all spin!' the whole of the people called out at last.
This struck the Advertiser, for it seemed to him as if they were right; but he thought to himself, 'I must go on with the spin now. And the company leader and the BBC spun some more, as they could not be seen to be fools after all.
The End
Biting the hand that feeds IT
