back to article Man cuffed for lamppost sex outrage

The suspicion that sexual assaults against inanimate objects, including bicycles and hoovers, are on the rise is confirmed by the disturbing news that a man was last month cuffed for "allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamppost", as the Wiltshire Times puts it. The incident apparently took place at about 4.45pm on 16 …


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  1. J
    Paris Hilton


    Well, it's easy to think of much more fun ways of "being indecent"...

  2. Steve Roper

    Get ready for anti-sexbot legislation

    So what's going to happen when the Japanese (most likely it'll be them) come out with lifelike sexbots? Or if someone gets it on with the animated sex dolls they currently produce? It's funny how all of a sudden activities that men have engaged in since day dot are now being publicised and those who engage in them persecuted, and the accompanying push to have sexual activity with inanimate objects made illegal. I notice, however, the double standard that women are not being persecuted for using dildos and vibrators.

    Somehow, I can smell the stink of feminism behind this attack on men having sex with inanimate objects. Are "liberated women" and their male political arse-kissing puppydogs getting upset at the possibility they might be about to lose their sexual monopoly - the pussy weapon - because they might soon have to compete with lifelike robotic replacements?

    Asbestos coat on - let 'em rip!

  3. James Le Cuirot


    The clap, no. Crabs, maybe!

  4. b166er

    Doing the rounds of applause

    Perhaps from the former lover

  5. Simon Miles

    "How do you get the clap from a hoover?"

    I'd have thought it was obvious, sharing hoovers with others....

  6. Detritus Emeritus

    Do Catholic Poles have anything to say...

    ...about the pole in question?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Another one on the register then.

    The scary thing about this is the alarming invcrease in the number of people arrestede under these laws, Section 5 of the Public Order Act is a good one. You go out for a pint and on your way home you swear in the earshot of a spotty young plod in riot gear and dayglo jacket. Your backside ends up in a Police Van, you get an £80 ticket but here's the twist - your DNA is now on the database and they are going to trawl through every unsolved crime on the books to try and match you up with it. Woe betide you if you were in some friends house and they then got burgled because you might come up as suspect number one. That old car you sold to Johnny ArmedRobber, guess what, you match on that one as well.

    It get worse though, if you are burgled yourself then PC Plod will take samples from you, your spouse and each of your kids "for elimination purposes". These go on the DNA database as well and when they are there they are on for life.

    Back to the original point though, the politicians can't force legislation through to make everyone give a DNA sample, but the Police are doing a bloody good job of making sure we all end up on there anyway. Be prepared to get arrested on a trumped up charge and then be released later, by then you are on the database ant it's all too late. One more step as we stagger blindly further into a Police State.

    Anonymous post . . . . . too right, I don't want the door broken down and the spooks at Menwith Hill are too close for comfort.

  8. Rebecca Putman
    Dead Vulture

    Hey, Steve?

    How many women have you heard of being arrested for having "simulated sex" in public with an inanimate object? How many women have made the news thusly?

    Yeah. I didn't think so. Your strawman doesn't stand.

  9. Richard Freeman

    Hang on a minute I am getting confused....

    Was that a Catholic Lamp-Pole being abused by a Polish Hoover?

    or a Bicycle Poling a Polish Lamp Pole?

    or a Lamp Pole, Poling a Catholic Hoover on a Bicycle?

    or a Pole Poling a Lamp Pole on a Hoover?

    or a Hoover sucking a Lamp Pole on a polish Bicycle?

    Oh stuff it I think thats blown my tiny little mind...

    - Yep thats my coat there - the one with the Outraged public decency in the pockets.....

  10. David Wilkinson
    Paris Hilton

    Scary stuff

    Especially as I just loaned my neighbor my vacuum cleaner the other day, a neighbor who complains about not having had any nighttime company in many months.

    Luckily me and my vacuum are not on intimate terms :)

  11. Sceptical Bastard

    @ Rebecca

    My wife simulates sex with an inanimate object - me :(

  12. Darryl

    Now I'm really confused

    I read an article that you Brits are installing padding on lamp posts to keep texters from running into them and suffering GBH. Now I find out that there's a different kind of "running into" lamp posts going on... Are the two related? Was this a padded lamp post? If so, the guy probably has a bit of a right to be angry, after all, it's false advertising when women wear padded bras...

  13. LaeMi Qian

    oh dear! what will some guys NOT try to have sex with!

    though to be fair on guys, there were some rather obscenely-shaped bollards out the front of my high school that tended to be rather polished on the top from all the simulated sex they got with some of the less savory female students (they were a tad too large for actual real use... then again, some of those girls were reputed to be rather... ahem... capable)

    No icon because it is far too obvious!

  14. skeptical i
    Paris Hilton


    Some of the tittie bars here in Amurka have "pole- lympics" (competitive events in which the young and the siliconed display their pole dancing skills); perhaps the perp in the article was practicing for a similar event and got a wee bit too enthusiastic (as his wee bit likewise became too enthusiastic)?

    Paris, for her various pole- related skills, and the enthusiasm with which she deploys them.

  15. Anonymous Coward

    Slippery pole

    When they came for the lamppost humpers

    I remained silent;

    I did not hump lampposts

  16. Geoff Mackenzie

    @ Rebecca Putman

    While I do think Steve's comment is a little excessive, what about this?

    I suppose the difference was that she wasn't being visibly indecent, but it does show that the ladies can be just as randy (and odd about it) as us Y-chromosome carriers - although in fairness at least it was a sex toy, not street furniture, household equipment or a bicycle. You might also, if you were being picky, point out that the story is originally from the Sun, but you never know, it might be based on fact.

    As for the lamp post guy - I don't know, but I have a sneaking suspicion this might have been a case of drunken and unimaginative pole dancing rather than actual simulated sex with the lamp post. And I definitely think society seems to overreact to this harmless daftness - the chaos that ensued after this incident was a little disproportionate in my opinion.

  17. Rodney Sloan


    "During their probe..."

  18. Andy Worth

    @Steve Roper

    Steve, but you're missing two MAJOR points in your anti-feminist rant.

    1) There's a big difference between doing it in your own home and in the middle of a street/in front of your work colleagues etc. If you want to boff your vacuum cleaner at home then by all means go ahead but I don't want to see you doing it. If I wanted to see shit like that I'd pay to go watch a show. In fact, having sex in public with a real woman would involve both parties being arrested for public indecency, so where's the unfairness there?

    2) Most men, if they saw a woman pleasuring herself in public, far from calling the police, would probably stand and watch for as long as they thought they could get away with it.

    Sex with inanimate objects may be guilt-free, pleasurable and without ties after the "act", but it's still best kept behind closed doors.

  19. This post has been deleted by its author

  20. Tim

    Rise of the Machines

    These vile perverts are nothing more than collaborators, giving aid and comfort (and 'executive relief') to the lizard army's robot invasion forces.

    Shave their heads and banish them from the village!

    And also, @AC: your police state vision is indeed a nightmare but just you try and find a police force that will a) bother to investigate something as non-terrorist (or motoring) related as a burglary and b) actually bother to take samples and evidence from the scene.

  21. Anonymous Coward


    I want to know what children were around at this ungodly hour??? Personally, I'd be more worried about them there hoolies nicking my iPod and Moby and would be getting plod to question them about the slashed tyres and missing lead coving from houses on my street than being shocked that they were subject to this mans "simulated sex act".

  22. Anonymous Coward


    "2) Most men, if they saw a woman pleasuring herself in public, far from calling the police, would probably stand and watch for as long as they thought they could get away with it."

    ... which would depend entirely on whether they had their girlfriend / wife / daughter / mum with them at the time.

  23. TEQ

    Well the headline is a slight variation on the norm....

    Beause it's usually "Man cuffed to lamppost for sex outrage", normally after a particularly drunken stag-night.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Quite how you catch the clap from a hoover, we know not."

    Well, someone was awarded an IgNobel prize for a paper on STD transmission via a sex doll. Same sort of thing, really.

    (Can't remember the reference and the book is at home)

  25. This post has been deleted by its author

  26. stizzleswick

    Footballers, anyone?

    When will they begin arresting football players for humping the corner post in front of 60,000 people of all ages after scoring a goal?

  27. Les Matthew
    Thumb Up

    @Rebecca Putman

    "Your strawman doesn't stand."

    Nice, a double entendre and a put-down all in one. ;)

  28. Alex Metcalfe


    "The incident apparently took place at about 4.45pm on 16 February"

    4.45pm - presumably plenty of kids around

  29. Sam

    Apologies to G. Formby

    "I'm buffing up a lamppost,

    On the corner of the street,

    Until the local Constable

    Comes by...

    The tweed and ukulele, ta.

  30. Veig
    Jobs Horns

    Hoover ?

    Better get caught with a Henry Hoover than a John Edgar Hoover. Less embarrassing.

  31. Dave Cheetham

    He wanted someone to look up to.

    Maybe now he can see the light...

    And why wasn't the lamp post arrested too as it takes two to tango.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Why are anti sex campaigners fat ugly women?

    A serious question, I see sex on TV in other countries, and it's treated as enjoyable, e.g. japanese girls dressing sexy, sex as recreation, fun, enjoyable in France, Germany etc.

    Then the UK, it's police crime series and sex is rape. You see fat ugly woman on TV suggesting that asking a woman for sex represents an assault. WTF?

    It's all kind of dysfunctional.

    I think it's because so much anti-sex sex-is-dirty campaigning by fat ugly woman has twisted the otherwise normal act. It's like putting a blind man in charge of privacy and expecting him to have reasonable judgement when he has no privacy himself. Their view of sex is twisted by their own deficient lives.

  33. Julian Cox

    "Quite how you catch the clap from a hoover, we know not."

    If you think about it it's obvious, and so's the solution - DON'T SHARE HOOVERS!

  34. Martin Maloney

    It's SO obvious

    If a woman doesn't want her man to have sex with an inanimate object, then it would beHOOVER to invite him to have sex with her!

    P. S. Given the penchant of many folks here for wordplay, why is there no "Pun Alert" icon?

    P. P. S. If no one on your staff can come up with a design, then icon do it.

  35. W

    @ Rebecca Putman

    >"How many women have you heard of being arrested for having "simulated sex" in public with an inanimate object? How many women have made the news thusly? Yeah. I didn't think so. Your strawman doesn't stand."

    I have an example. It wasn't with a bicycle (which was in private, btw), a henry hoover, or a lamp post. And she wasn't arrested, but it was in public. With a blow up dog and a wine bottle? On TV (i.e. Big Brother).


    Why no arrest for ""on suspicion of outraging public decency"" there?

    Rather than answer my own questions immediately in my own post, I'll have the decency to give an opportunity for someone to explain this particular goose/gander discrepancy.

  36. Dan Collett

    I cant believe no one has posted...

    Love struck,

    Ive fallen for a lampost,

    givin' her my utmost,

    spilling out my deepest feelings....

    Look it up!

    Coat please......

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @goose/gander discrepancy

    It's because these stupid laws are not about something you do, they're about the *perception* of that something in someone else mind.


  38. Colin Jackson


    It's Madness!

  39. Anonymous Coward

    Er, *public*

    Girlies might be schlicking one off the wrist with an inanimate object, but most of them have enough common sense to do it in the privacy of their boudoir. *That* is why they've not been nicked for it.

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Dire Straits

    Give new meaning to the lines:

    A lovestruck Romeo... finds a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade, says something like 'you and me babe, how about it?'

  41. Dennis

    Playground rhyme

    Reminds me of a playground rhyme

    In days of old

    When knights were bold

    And women hadn’t been invented

    Men cut holes

    In telegraph poles

    To keep themselves contented

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    '...and don't practice your alliteration on me...'

    So the catholics slapped the chap with the claptrap about clap?

    Paris, because, well, never mind...

  43. W

    @ Lisa Parratt

    Granted, blokes *might*, on the whole, tend to be a little less able to exercise restraint and privacy when it comes to personal kinks.

    But as I've already said, the 'Bike bonk bloke' was *behind a locked door*.

    The BB housemate was *on TV*.

    He gets to spend the rest of his life on the sex offenders' register and cops three years' probation.

    She gets the chance to eke out a freeloaders z-list existence.

    *That* sure sounds imbalanced to me.

  44. Dogbyte


    He can only do it with the light on?

  45. Andy


    So what was the make, model and wattage of the lampost in question?

    Probably a sting operation, lampost was probably coming onto him.

    Was it in a red light district? We need answers!

  46. Scott Priest

    Seems to just be a bit of confusion...

    He clearly confused 'looking for the light at the end of the tunnel' with 'looking for a tunnel at the end of the light'!

  47. Darkside

    Has Wiltshire come to this?

    Where have all the sheep gone?

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Missing details

    It seems that the article is a little shy on details. Was this guy actually fucking a lamp-post or was he just drunk and fucking around with his friends. (I will probably regret asking this) but who hasn't been drunk and given a couple of humps to something for a laugh?

  49. Scott Priest

    @ Anonymous Coward

    ... If I remember correctly, that's how I met my wife!

  50. Anonymous Coward

    @The anti-feminist crowd

    Phew... you guys seem really frustrated about something. Could it be that your hatred of feminism is a purely emotional reaction to the fact that women won't sleep with you because you're a bunch of self-centered, bitter, hate-filled jerks? I mean really, if you spend all your time banging on about how stupid and wicked women are... well, let's just say it's not likely to be the world's most effective chat-up line, is it?

    After all, your insane paranoid conspiracy theory requires the police to have suddenly become a crusading radical left-wing organisation that bases its arrest policy on feminist gender politics before it could possibly be true. That's the most ludicrous suggestion I've heard in quite a long time, and anyone who could accept a hypothesis so blatantly in massive disconnection with the facts of reality must have gotten themselves a pre-determined conclusion that they're desparately trying to prove by reasoning backward from...

    And no, it doesn't need a massive feminist conspiracy theory to explain why joe six-pack making a drunken fool of himself in the street on a friday night after the pubs kick out gets promptly busted, while someone from off the telly gets given preferential treatment. Celebs, even the third-rate Z-list celebs from BB, get given a much easier time of it whenever they're in trouble - regardless of what gender or the nature of the offence.

  51. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lester: job for Monday

    The Australian blood-drinking lesbian murderers story.

  52. Mark
    IT Angle

    Re: @The anti-feminist crowd

    Women are just as sex mad as men. However, when you tell women that, they deny it. As if the level of sexual attraction men has is wrong.


    But when you explain where women are as obsessed (in different ways from men), they often eventually agree.

    But the knee-jerk reaction shows how you have a bis against men.

  53. Fred


    Brilliant friday banter!

    smashed up my Cf-27 so missed all the fun... grr!

  54. Anonymous Coward

    Re: Missing Details

    Yeah - exactly - I've done that. I find the pretend hair-pulling & butt-slapping motions only add to the fun. The lamp-post only gets in the way to be honest...

    Could I be arrested for that? Let's hope not!

    Anon for obvious reasons!

  55. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Remind me...

    never to go to Westbury because if the women there are so ugly that even when you are drunk you prefer to shag a lampost, well, quite honestly I'd rather not risk seeing them.

  56. Nick


    Any hole's a goal???

    Coat 419 please.

  57. W

    @ @The anti-feminist crowd

    Steady on. You sound like a an Alanis Morissette stream of consciousness.

    There's no hatred of feminism here. No conspiracy theories. No suggestion of left wing/right wing crusades. No self-centered, bitter, hate-filled frustration.

    I'm a published feminist.

    Just pointing out some discrepancies. And I'm glad you acknowledge that there's some "preferential treatment". But I'll fail to believe it's "regardless of what gender or the nature of the offence" when a dude humping inanimate objects on live TV is met with pure voyeurism rather than disgust or mockery. Or when a gal gets put on the sex offenders' register with three years probation for private self pleasure behind the safety of locked doors.

    In various parts of life, the goose/gander discrepancy will cut one way or the other.

    Meanwhile, 'The Sun' - "a family paper " - will still keep-on-a-printin' it's page 3 stunnas, 18, from Coventry.

    Move along, there's nothing to see here.

    Oh, of course. Let me just get it for you. The white one, yes? You'll be glad of it, seeing as things are so frosty at the moment.

  58. heystoopid


    So what happens when you get a back itch that you can't reach and then rub up against the nearest pole , does that mean you are one of the new class of pole perverts ?

  59. Alex Taylor

    What the hell is a Henry Hoover?

    If there was an article describing a Sony XBOX or a Microsoft PlayStation, then I'd be fairy sure to see lots of comments about it.

    The "Henry" range of industrial vacuum cleaners is made a company called Numatic. Calling them Henry Hoovers is the same as calling my car a Mondeo Vauxhall, or this laptop a Thinkpad Compaq.

  60. Ishkandar

    @Alex Taylor

    How about a "Made in China" HwangHua Brillo ?? It is obvious that you missed the comment about Brand-names being commonly used as generic nouns. Furthermore, Vauxhall did *NOT* invent the automobile nor did Compaq invent the Portable Computer (much as they would like to claim to do so) !!

  61. Anonymous Coward

    @Alex Taylor

    In Britain Hoover has become so associated with vacuum cleaners as to become a genericised trademark. The word "hoover" (without initial capitalization) is often used as a generic term for "vacuum cleaner". Hoover is also used as a verb, as in "I've just hoovered the carpet".

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