back to article BOFH: The Silence of the Servers

"Ah the long, dark reaches of intrigue!" I say faux-casually in the dark, scaring the Boss half to death. "What the hell are you doing here?" he cries when he's collected himself, no doubt readjusting his underpants in response to the recent extra loading. "It's a computer room, I belong here," I say, getting up from the …


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  1. Nermal


    Nice one Simon,

    In a little story there can be so many Truths.

  2. amanfromMars Silver badge

    Everything comes to He who waits in a Perfect Enough Plan.

    A Class Act, Simon. Encore. Encore

  3. Richard Stokoe
    Gates Horns


    Is it just me or is this one a little... darker.... than normal? (Pardon the pun).

  4. K
    Jobs Horns

    As always absolutely awesome... 10/10

    It is darker than normal, but that makes it all the more funny.

  5. Anonymous Coward

    BOFH back in form!

    Excellent! Simon seems to have completely recovered from Xmas indulging!

    Maybe we could have "BOFH Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Rack" or "BOFH Potter and the Server Hallows"...

    Yes, mine´s the one with old cinema tickets overflowing from the pockets...

  6. Dr. Mouse

    Is he going soft?

    Is BOFH going soft in his old age?

    I am sure the BOFH of old would have used a combination of cattle prod, shovel and roll of carpet to solve this problem. And, in the mean time, prepare for the blackout that would occur if, for instance, a roll of carpet containing a recently deceased Network Manager soaked in water happened to short out the nearest substation. Knowing that, if this unlikely even were to occur, the UPS that was recently serviced would keep all the servers running, unless of course it had not been serviced, and had been meddled with by, say, an electrician working in colusion with a Network Manager, in which case a new UPS would be ordered post-haste.

    I must accept that the approach he took in this episode would instill more fear in his victim, probably ensuring his cooperation for some time to come, but it is still a nancy-boy approach.

    Shame on you not-as-much-of-a-bastard-as-you-were-opperator-from-purgatory (NAMOABAYWOFP)! Maybe you are just nicer after a holiday, like you took last week, leaving me without my fix of bastardleyness? I hope to see you back on form next week.

    **WARNING!** The author of this post composed the above with tongue, tonsils, and entire oesophagus in cheek, and is currently in the process of retrieving his outdoor garments and contacting his prefered private hire company for transport.

  7. Anonymous Coward


    Best BOFH in a long time. Knock frivolous call center computer upgrades *and* reference Roald Dahl? I think I fell in love all over again!

  8. Tom

    Funny and true

    Used to work for the council. One of their community centres had their own network, which they "set-up" themselves but had to be supported centrally. Their servers were plugged in the a 4-bar extention lead. Unfortunatly they also had a 2.5kW electric fire plugged in to it as well. Appart from the massive currect draw of the fire (I=P/V I=2500/230 I=10.9A) about every tenth time the thermostat turned the fire on the server would restart. It was averagign about 10 reboots a day.

    We suggested moving the fire, but they didn't. In the end we failed the extention lead during a PAT test and replaced it with an approved 3 socket one!

  9. Simon B
    Thumb Up

    A true delight to read!

    I have to say I REALLY enjoyed the sheer simplicity and clever nature of this one and even took time out to say nice one!! I would have loved the story to have continued to then show the complete failure of the whole server room after a surge takes the lot down and then subsequently the manager gets a right dressing down/sacking from the top! True smugness is always better! ;)

  10. Michael King


    Excellent reading! A+

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    good stuff

    Exceptional this week :)

  12. Graham
    Dead Vulture

    Absolute genius

    That was quite the scariest BOFH I've read ... and the "happy" ending was great! Nice one Simon.

  13. Philip Alexander
    Black Helicopters


    All I can do is echo everyone else's accolades, I kept looking round for the Chianti bottle

  14. Steven Ballmer

    Who Cares!

    I don't! All that matters is whatever I decide to do on any given day at MS!

  15. Pete James

    Don't threaten me with a dead fish.

    Sometimes a little well-phrased menace in a story makes it all the more enjoyable to read.

    Good episode!

  16. Mike Morris
    Black Helicopters

    Another tour de FORCE!


    The building which houses my servers is scheduled for a 2 hour power cut this weekend. Sure hope the UPS is up to the task as we had a battery fault last week that mysteriously went away.... Where is that flashlight anyway?

  17. Nathanael Bastone
    Thumb Up

    Good show!

    Nice one Simon! Keep it up!

  18. Stuart

    Great read!

    The Roald Dahl touch was superb. Once again, Simon confirms his status as one of the top reasons I'm proud to be a K1W1.

  19. Jan Buys


    Loved the style of the story!

    Great work, Simon.

  20. red floyd
    Thumb Up

    Fava Beans?

    I was looking for the Fava beans and the nice Chianti.

  21. Dalen
    Thumb Up

    Don't think that The Bastard's gone weak

    LARTing the unworthy and then burying them in an unmarked grave is good.

    However, striking fear into the hearts of the unworthy and _then_ LARTing and burying them in an unmarked grave has much more style.

  22. Gerrit Tijhof

    Grand, really grand!

    Sombre, chilling, a dash of feverish shivers and words cut out by razor-blades from the 5th ring of hell: a Classic!

  23. Chris Fleming

    Chris, expat KIWI in Samoa

    Kewl Simon. I for one nominate you for the Poolitzer prize...sic.

  24. Tawakalna
    Paris Hilton

    it's not a happy ending for everyone..

    ..because OUR budget for replacement UPS batteries got taken off us and used for the boss's son's personal expenses :(

    the BOFH can't win *every* time, shoorly? Or am I simply not as devious and underhand? bah, I need to get some salesmen sacked to make me feel better - where's me Knoppix disk and some dodgy pr0n?

    Utter lack of a Paris Hilton angle in these stories.

  25. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    The really scary bit is...

    I think I'm beginning to *like* the BOFH

    Paris likes everybody :)

  26. Yarrow Paddon-Butler
    Thumb Up

    Best BOFH so far this year.

    I'm starting to think Simon has a ever so slightly psycho side to him...which is absolutely brilliant.

  27. Gordon Grant


    A revenge a dish best served cold and in the dark.....

  28. Charlie

    Great stuff

    I was getting just a little bit bored of the old cattle-rod routine, something a bit darker and more atmospheric is a nice change!

  29. Anonymous Coward


    Sheer brilliance.

    Roald Dahl touch - incredible.


    Some things money can't buy

    (like the pleasure I got from this story)

    For everything else ...... the BOFH has a way of getting it.

  30. Anonymous Prime

    @Yarrow Paddon-Butler

    What do you mean "ever so slightly"?

    Check out the original BOFH episodes; he's actually mellowed somewhat in recent years.

  31. Anonymous Coward


    I'd make sure that the batteries were tested extensively by running an unannounced power cycle on the main circuit to the server room.

  32. David

    @Chris Fleming

    Hey, just wondering.... You wouldn't be of Hawera stock would you?

    If you are and are wondering who I am, well, I'm David of the Chords - formerly from The Burnt Place :)

  33. Conor
    Paris Hilton


    Arguably the best story I've read in a long while.

    PH because she's the best at some things too.

  34. Yarrow Paddon-Butler

    @Anonymous Prime

    Regrettably, I only started reading BOFH about a year or so ago, so I'm unfamiliar with some of the exploits....thanks for the link, I'll read through them when & if I have the damn time.

  35. David Paul Morgan
    Black Helicopters

    This is uncanny

    I'm just finishing off a report comparing running a major overhaul of our UPS vs. replacing it entirely - but one of my colleagues suggested running half the server-rack power supply off the dirty mains to save power!

    (black helicopter, 'cos someone's been reading my f&p server docs)

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