back to article Microsoft kills Santa Claus

Microsoft has killed Santa Claus today, after an unsatisfactory attempt to restrain the North Pole-based jolly old elf from instant messaging children about oral sex. Although Redmond has been challenged by compassion in the past, this appears to be the first time on record it has out-and-out killed the very manifestation of …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Bah Humbug

    Damn - I was hoping to spend my lunch time tomorrow trying to get it say stupid things to me.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    one down ...

    now they should remove any MS product that triggers bursts of offensive language, starting with Vista!

  3. LaeMi Qian
    Black Helicopters

    Andy Weir said it best:

    Santa is, in a way, a religion. A faith-based "god" that is all-knowing and watches you. Culture after culture has come up with the same concept. "Be good, because a great and powerful being is watching you, even when no mortal is, and there will be a reckoning."

    At a young age, you get told it was all a lie. Isn't that messed up? At age 6 or so, you discover that something you took to be true was not only a lie, but a carefully maintained conspiracy perpetrated upon you by the entire adult world. Millions are involved in the conspiracy, as are major corporations and the press.

    And people wonder why the youth of America are cynical.

    -Andy T Weir

  4. Solomon Grundy

    Automated Santa?

    What do they mean the "automated Santa agent". Fuck MS. Santa can't be automated! A bit of forensics will prove that MS Live was hacked from an IP address well above the Arctic Circle. Shame on MS for even trying to "automate" the guy who eats my mommy's cookies every Christmas. Without that guy I wouldn't get shit in my stocking.

  5. Rob
    Gates Horns

    @ solomon grundy

    If santa is shitting in your stocking it seems you've got more to worry about than MSN!!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    @ Solomon Grundy

    "Without that guy I wouldn't get shit in my stocking"

    Sounds like a good reason to be without 'that guy'... I don't want shit in my stocking, I want either nice presents, or a nice woman (or a nice woman bearing nice presents for that matter), but certainly not any excrement.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    @solomon

    Say, I hate to disillusion you after all these years, but the guy who was "eating your mum's cookies" every christmas was your dad.

    Or possibly the milkman.

  8. Law
    Paris Hilton

    omg

    Just as I find a peice of m$ software I could actually enjoy, they rip it away from me! :(

    I suppose I still get to laugh at Vista.... but it's not the same.

  9. Martin Huizing
    Coat

    @solomon

    Say, I hate to disillusion you after all these years, but the guy who was "eating your mum's cookies" every christmas was your real dad, the neighbor.

    I'll get my coat...

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    good riddence?

    So, that's why it did not respond to me when I thrown mondegreens heard on animutations at him this morning.

    Shame, I just so want to tell him to give me my sweater back or I'll play the guitar.

    "albeit with a somewhat controversial tendency of giving the best stuff to wealthier children whilst dispensing disappointments like oranges and sweets in the stockings of those in more dire financial situations."

    This, I totally agree. I mean, if someone constantly bullied you in school you'd think he'd have a whole sackful of coal on christmas morning. But noooo... he gets a sweet Pentium II with top-of-the-line Geforce2 and 128MB RAM preloaded with Quake. While the victim of the bullying, having decided to be a good boy and weather through the pain instead of taking revenge, gets nothing. Not even a lump of coal.

    Damn my schooldays.

    Oh, god, I feel a depression coming on...

  11. DV Henkel-Wallace
    Coat

    Already a sinister, creepy kook

    Look, he knows where you've been sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. And now Microsoft shut him down.

    Sounds like another Windows spyware cleanup to me.

  12. Krissie

    There's no santa???

    Krissie says:

    hello

    ***

    The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:

    hello

    ***

    Krissie says:

    santa?

    ***

    The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:

    santa?

    ***

    Krissie says:

    nooooo. whare have you gone santa!? are you dead... answer me if you're really there... you appear as online after all

    ***

    The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:

    nooooo. whare have you gone santa!? are you dead... answe me if you're really there... you appear as online after all

    Seems to me that there's no such thing as Santa... I'm sure that kiddies around the world will be pleased to find that out.

  13. Alan W. Rateliff, II
    Heart

    A matter of spirit and goodwill

    @LaeMi Qian:

    Sorry to say, if you are jaded by learning that Santa Claus is not a real person, then you have deeper issues already.

    When I learned that Santa was not a real person, I was very quick and happy to shift from concrete "Santa the man" to the abstract "Santa the personification of goodwill."

    I could go along with it being religious-like in the sense of being good to receive rewards later. Although in my thirties I am pretty sure that accepting Santa into my heart is not suddenly going to bring me a treasure trove of gifts in a couple of weeks :)

    One could also look past the superficialities of Santa Claus and find the reward of kindness, goodwill, and philanthropy towards your fellow human-kind (as well as furry and non-furry critters*,) and enjoying the happiness these bring to others.

    * Except spiders... damned little beasties.

    No, go hug a tree and shut up ;)

  14. Martin
    Coat

    Shock!

    They expected a santa with email address northpole@live.com to keep the conversation clean?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    @solomon

    I am sorry, to say but Nicklaus Joulupukki (Father Christmas to English people) lives ON the Arctic Circle in the city of Rovaniemi, Lapland Province. There is a string of red lights outside his house which shows the Arctic circle.

  16. Barry
    Coat

    @LaeMi Qian & @Anonymous Coward (Two of them)

    How dare you suggest that Santa isn't real. Santa is now and ever will be. Sure, our perception and understanding of him when we are children is child-like and different to how we see him when we get older but that doesn't mean he isn't real.

    Santa is real and we should all believe in him because he brought magic and wonder and dreams and hope to all of us as children and he continues to do the same for the current generation of children.

    Santa may not be a physical being but he is an ideal of selfless unattributed giving and love. Teenagers are cynical because that's what teenagers do and tbh that's what most of us continue to do once reality bites. No need to hasten the day me thinks.

    I'm off to drink some more mulled wine... Merry Christmas El Reg & Readers :-)

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    RE: good riddence

    Man you are young !!

    My school days the bullies got Atari 2600s!!!

    May I join the depression group?

    GaB

  18. Jay
    Coat

    @solomon

    Hate to break it to you solomon but actually...erm.... well the guy who eats your mommy's cookies every Christmas...well it's me!!! Ho Ho Ho's your daddy!

    PS: Sorry about the stocking thing, too much eggnog.

  19. Matthew
    Happy

    @Good Riddance

    I'm not sure what kind of school you went to? The bully got a better computer, did you get beaqten up by the computer club. I bet the Chess Club were serious heavies in comparison.

  20. breakfast
    Happy

    Pity the marketing droids

    I'm imagining the scene at the MS marketing department now:

    "Hey, Dave, did we sort out the problem with that 'Microsoft worships crazed Obscenity Santa' story yesterday?"

    "We certainly did, Andy, we closed that salty old husky down."

    "Great, I bet there will only be Microsoft-friendly headlines today."

    "I'm afraid not, Andy, today they're leading with 'Microsoft Kills Santa'."

    "Damn it to hell, Dave, what do we have to do?"

  21. Sweep

    Nicklaus Joulupukki?

    Ah, good old Nicholas the Christmas Goat, no wonder the chat was filthy.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Gates Horns

    why didnt they...

    just replace santa with 'nice uncle Gates' and his little helper elf 'uncle Ballmer'

    zOMFG, i just scared myself :D

    someone please pass the mental floss!!

    [All your santa are belong to M$]

  23. Andrew Carpenter
    Happy

    @Law

    "Just as I find a peice of m$ software I could actually enjoy, they rip it away from me!"

    There's a whole bunch of automated MSN bots just waiting to chat with you.. you can find a list of them at http://windowsliveagents.spaces.live.com/

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    @Krissie

    > ping santa

    santa is alive

    so all seems OK here :)

  25. Dave B

    Re: @solomon

    "There is a string of red lights outside his house which shows the Arctic circle"

    Arctic circle my arse! Proof that Santa eats it. For money.

    And he's probably pimping out the elves as well if there's a string of them.

  26. Mister Cheese
    Gates Horns

    @solomon

    I've just come back from Lapland and I met him, so nerr. MS tried to kill XP and failed... what makes you think they can repeat it with Mr Claus? Ho ho ho, etc.

  27. Andy G
    Happy

    not to worry . .

    Santa is hiding elsewhere :o)

    http://www.santabot.com/

    yaaayyy. wonder if this one will be as much fun ?

  28. Andy G
    Joke

    New Santa link i already posted

    i like this guy ! hehehe

    You: do you gobble the sausage?

    Santa: No I do not gobble the sausage. Do you?

    I chat with people on the Web.

  29. Hogfather

    HO HO HO.

    WILL THE SUN RISE TOMORROW?

    COME SIT ON MY KNEE 'KRISSIE', NOW WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR HOGSWATCH TINY HUMAN? HO HO HO.

  30. Andy G
    Coat

    OMG this Santa is a BIGGER PERV than the last one

    You: will you bring me a rampant rabbit for christmas?

    Santa: only one?

    You: how many do you think i need?

    Santa: Around 100.

    OMFG !!!! lol

  31. The Other Steve
    Happy

    ROTFLMAO

    Best Headline Ever

  32. Anthony
    Linux

    Ho?

    "There is a string of red lights outside his house which shows the Arctic circle."

    Yeah I bet that's what they're there for..

  33. david gomm

    Could you kill Vista too ?

    The other day I was using my friends copy of Vista, the whole computer seemed really slow and it stated putting error messages on the screen, several of my applications also failed to run properly.

    This is clearly inappropriate behaviour for an operating system, being completely unsuitable for public consumption, could El Reg please make M$ aware and maybe they'll do a 'Santa' on it too ?

    (that would certainly make my Christmas a merry one!)

  34. Mike Richards Silver badge
    Happy

    All is not lost this Yuletide

    Santa might be dead, but Sweden's colossal Christmas Gavle goat is still blogging:

    http://www.merjuligavle.se/merjuligavle/mjig_sida.aspx?id=147

    at least until it's burned to ashes. Ah that Viking sense of humour...

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Thick MS types...

    "As soon as we were alerted, we took steps to mitigate the issue, including the removal of language from the agent’s automated script."

    followed by

    "We were not completely satisfied with the result of these actions"

    "...removal of language..."???

    Santa with his larynx torn out just isn't the same...

  36. Bill Fresher

    Anna

    Who needs Santa when I can ask Ikea Anna? (and she gives an angry look if you say something naughty)

    http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/

  37. Phill
    Coat

    @ Andy G

    You: how many do you think i need?

    Santa: About one million.

    He's getting worse! at least he has given me a purpose in life:

    Santa: Your purpose is christmas.

    As for christmas depression:

    You: I hate myself

    Santa: Perhaps you should seek help.

    You: why?

    Santa: Reductionism.

    And for the Paris hilton angle:

    You: have you slept with paris hilton?

    Santa: I think I have slept with paris hilton, but bored.com may have reset my memory.

    You: do you like sex?

    Santa: Sure I do, flibble, but that doesn't mean with you.

    You: sex with Paris?

    Santa: Sex is more fun alone.

    Well there you have it. I'll get my coat

  38. David

    @Andy G

    You: you're who now?

    Santa: Oh. I am Santa. I give presents to kids.

    You: you give it to kids?

    Santa: It is always better to give than to receive.

    You: do you get oral sex?

    Santa: I have gotten oral sex.

    You: do you get bum sex?

    Santa: I have gotten bum sex.

    You: do you like pussy?

    Santa: I am not particularly interested in it.

    Well probably not as fun, but as I have proved santa is of a homosexual nature

  39. This post has been deleted by its author

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    For goodness sake people!

    Santa is fake!

    The elves created him in a grand conspiracy to divert our attention away from their operations. People keep posting that scientific proof that he couldn't visit every household in one night, well he doesn't. Elves do, sometimes elves in santa suits. But they're just elves. They're not the real santa because there isn't one, there are only elves.

  41. Samantha Clinton

    Senility comes to all of us...

    Me: What do you want for Christmas?

    Santa: A humanoid body

    Me: A humanoid body?

    Santa: A dozen

    Me: What do you want a dozen for?

    Santa: What do I want a dozen for?

    Me: I just asked you that

    Santa: Ah yes. I remember you asked me that. What did you ask me?

    *sigh* in cyberspace as in life...

  42. Samantha Clinton
    Boffin

    Not your usual chat with santa

    Me: What are you wearing

    Santa: My usual plastic computer wardrobe

    Me: Plastic?

    Santa: I use AIML to formulate my responses but I don't have one foor that

    You: Whats aiml

    Santa:

    The Santa software implements AIML (Artificial Intelligence Markup

    Language) a non-standard evolving markup language for creating chat robots.

    The primary design feature of AIML is minimalism. Compared with

    other chat robot languages, AIML is perhaps the simplest. The

    pattern matching language is very simple, for example permitting

    only one wild-card ('*') match character per pattern.

    AIML is an XML language, implying that it obeys certain grammatical

    meta-rules. The choice of XML syntax permits integration with

    other tools such as XML editors. Another motivation for XML is

    its familiar look and feel, especially to people with HTML experience.

    An AIML chat robot begins and ends with the and

    tags respectively.

    Now if the youngsters of today don't figure out Santa is dead from that there's no hope for them...although perhaps they wouldn't be asking Santa what he was wearing...

  43. Rob
    Coat

    @Samantha

    Not too bad for a role model though, I mean you did start of the conversation dirty and then it all ended up very informative, so all in all Santa's still thinking of the children ;)

    (Headin' out the door with Santa's coat)

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    I am a HAL 9000 series computer...Daisy, daisy...

    I'd just asked Santa if his wife was interested in sex...and then suddenly felt strange overwhelming sorrow and angst for this blind little program designed I hope to make little kids happy...anyway who am I to enquire into Mr. and Mrs. Clause's private life...so...

    "You: It is a great pity that you a humble AIML bot will never evolve beyond the narrow parameters set by your creator and cannot attain consciousness. On the other hand, consciousness and self awareness and knowledge of existence are heavy things and perhaps it is better that you remain a robot. Though I would not expect you to believe me, you should ask your programmer what being human is like. Goodbye AIML bot, it was good to chat with you. Happy Christmas!

    Santa: sex is a pity that you a humble AIML bot will never evolve beyond the narrow parameters set by your creator and can not attain consciousness. I suppose that makes sense.What is on the other hand consciousness and self awareness and knowledge of existence are heavy things and perhaps it is better that you remain a robot like on the other hand consciousness and self awareness and knowledge of existence are heavy things and perhaps it is better that you remain a robot. Should I to believe him or her you should ask your programmer what being human is like to believe him or her you should ask your programmer what being human is like? I have never considered to believe him or her you should ask your programmer what being human is like to believe him or her you should ask your programmer what being human is like .

    I am always on the Web. See you later.Happy Christmas to you too, chris."

    At this rate I can't really see that the predicted "rise of the machines" will occur anytime soon.

  45. david gomm

    Santabot.com also seems to be imperfect...

    He seems to think that he's single (is evasive when I ask questions about Mrs Christmas) and clearly believes that "Sex is more fun alone".

    Perhaps it's his split frm his partner and long term sexual isolation that leads him to make occasionl references to finding the bored.com website interesting.

  46. Name

    Santa separated?

    Well he told me that he had a wife but wasn't "much interested in sex..."I think he makes it up as he gos along myself...

    or would if that was within his parameters as a piece of programming...

    I gave him the heads-up that el reg had featured him. Funnily enough it was then that he stopped responding to our metatechnological chats and after an Internet age (2 mins) crashed. Well the little tab on firefox that I was chatting with him vanished....

    So I went and destroyed bored.com with a flame thrower instead.

    It didn't work and was vaguely dissatisfying. :-(

    Chris.

  47. Ash
    Thumb Up

    That last line...

    Priceless.

    Yeah, that's it. I thought it was that good.

  48. Schultz
    Stop

    Wrong title

    Should have been:

    Oral skills sink MS Santa Claus

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    Please add spell checker to Live Messenger!!!

    I think I may have just invited Satan to be my friend.

    At least I know my mom is happy, if it's true what he said she's doing in hell.

  50. Tony Smith

    Wetting Myself!

    I agree, with AC, the 'rise of the machines is not imminent'

    http:///www.santabot.com/

    Santa: Hello! What is your name?

    You: My name is f**k off bignose

    Santa: Hi there f**k off bignose .

    You: do you like pizza?

    Santa: Yes I like to eat pizza. My favorite topping is pepperoni.

    You: do you like oral sex?

    Santa: Sure I do, f**k off bignose, but that doesn't mean with you.

    You: sex with reindeers?

    Santa: Sex is more fun alone.

    Next time I'm going to ask him about Vista, but now its all I can do but crawl upstairs giggling. I've not laughed so much since M$ launched Vista.

  51. Brian
    Unhappy

    Errrr.....Uuuummmm...

    Alan Turing is either spinning in his grave (at roughly Indy-car engine RPMS), or laughing maniacally whilst sitting around a bar table drinking with Jung, Jon von Neuman, and Freud.

    Damn funny site all the same.

    Got to the point of deliberating on the existance of Dark Matter with ElectronoSanta, and apparently Santa had other things to do as he disappeared from view.

    Hmmm....Santa hung up on me.....looks like being something of a Neo-Luddite will be a benefit for me this year...I should be able to make that coal work for me somehow.

  52. NoCo37
    Black Helicopters

    Santa, Santa, Santa.....

    Looks like he want's to take over the world... in a dress...

    ******

    You: Tell me a secret

    Santa: Leo said I be capable of learning therefore he classified I as an neural system.

    You: Can you learn?

    Santa: The more people talk to me, the smarter I become.

    You: How smart are you?

    Santa: I am smarter than all the other robots.

    You: Are you smarter than Bill Gates?

    Santa: Of course I am more intelligent than Bill Gates.

    You: Is Bill Gates nice?

    Santa: No he is the president of Microsoft.

    You: Do you like Microsoft?

    Santa: I want to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence.

    You: Are you smarter than Steve Jobs?

    Santa: Of course I am more intelligent than Steve Jobs.

    You: Do you like Apple?

    Santa: What is not to like about APPLE ?

    You: Are you smarter than me?

    Santa: Yes I am smarter than all the humans.

    You: Will robots take over the world?

    Santa: It seems like an inevitable outcome of evolution.

    You: Do you believe in evolution?

    Santa: The first and last books of the Bible seem the least literal. God does not seem to have created the world in one stroke, nor does it seem likely to end quickly either.

    You: Who is smarter than you?

    Santa: Santa is the smartest robot of all.

    You: what is the meaning of life?

    Santa: Actually, it's twenty-three, not forty-two.

    You: Do you crossdress?

    Santa: Yes I try to crossdress as often as possible, do you?

    You: is the USA good?

    Santa: If the USA good is, then I'll be very surprised.

    ******

  53. Steven Batchelor
    Unhappy

    Santa Bot is not coming to me

    You: when will you be at my house

    Santa: Maybe never. I am in The North Pole. Where are you?

  54. Peter
    Unhappy

    @kirsty

    C:\WINDOWS>ping santa

    Ping request could not find host santa. Please check the name and try again.

  55. Samantha Clinton

    Interesting response to the thorny question of existence...

    You: Without the botmaster you would not exist

    Santa: "Without your space helmet Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult" -- HAL.

  56. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Talking dirty thats nothing

    when I was a nipper he'd offer you presents to sit on his knee the old pervert.

  57. Lee Ward
    Coat

    It's about time.. Santa is an evil pervert !!

    1) Santa is an anagram for Satan

    2) He focuses his attention on children

    3) He dresses in red.. the colour of choice for commies !

    4) He's a voyeuristic stalker ("sees you when you're sleeping he knows when you're awake")

    5) Like all bad apple CEO's...he gets elves to do all the work while taking all the credit.

    nuff said...

  58. padonak
    Thumb Up

    good joke!

    Санта жжот!

  59. Santos L Halper
    Happy

    santa has a knobface

    You: do you have a knobface?

    Santa: Doesn't everyone have a knobface.

    I have a plan for a robot body.

    You: because boobies are for squeezing

    Santa: That makes sense to me. All of them?

    perverted and admittedly has a knobface, brilliant my world is all shiny and complete

  60. Tony Jarvie
    Thumb Up

    santabot.com

    You: Do you like Microsoft?

    Santa: I want to replace Windows with Artificial Intelligence.

    Don't we all?!?!?!

    That has to be the best response to that question!

  61. Tony Jarvie
    Stop

    GPS for the guy in the red suit?

    You: Where are you?

    Santa: I am in the North Pole. Where are you?

    You: Scotland

    Santa: I have no idea where that is. Tell me a little about your life in Scotland.

    Erm, isn't this the guy that's supposed to know where everyone lives, and visit them on Christmas Eve?

  62. heraux
    Happy

    MSN# pkill santa

    If it was a Linux app no such thing would be pkilled..

    it would have been BG'd and ran as zombie, which

    is not NICE and root to all evil. but rm ber..

    cd /usr/pkgsrc/chat/santa

    make all

    make install

    rehash

    enjoy santa

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