Don't give booze to elephants, sobs Paris Hilton

Conservationists have welcomed Paris Hilton's apparent concern for elephants who, tanked up on rice beer, rampage around the Indian countryside with sometimes tragic results. During the highly-talented heiress's trip last week to Tokyo, she highlighted the pachyderm piss-up problem which recently accounted for six animals in …

[Anonymous John]

Where's the Paris Hilton connection?

Ah.

Where's the IT connection then?

[Anonymous Coward]

The Paris Hilton Angle?

Were these particular drunken elephants pink? Eqnuiring minds wish to know.

[David Harper]

Rat-arsed pachyderms in Liverpool, too

Many years ago, I lived in a suburb of Liverpool called Woolton. The local pub was The Elephant. After a major refurbishment, the owners decided to mark the re-opening by hiring a real elephant for a day.

This was in the early autumn, and the pub garden had a number of apple trees. There were hundreds of windfalls on the ground, and the elephant began eating them. Unfortunately, many of the apples had already begun to ferment, and the unwitting heffalump soon became quite sozzled. Its keeper was unable to control it, and it went on a rampage around Woolton.

It was probably the most exciting thing to happen in Woolton since the teenage John Lennon and Paul McCartney played at the church fete.

[Richard Tobin]

At least it's only alcohol

They could be gettng LSD:

http://education.guardian.co.uk/higher/research/story/0,9865,770756,00.html

[Steven Foster]

Wow

I never knew Paris was so deep and thoughtful. This has totally changed my opinions about her.

[Simon Reed]

@Steven Foster

By Steven Foster: "I never knew Paris was so deep and thoughtful. This has totally changed my opinions about her."

I think you've had enough, Steven. Finish that glass then go back to work.

[Anonymous Coward]

Why does....

Karla the Elephant (Brasseye) keep springing to mind?

[amanfromMars]

A Heart-Rending Pickle

""The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

Is that GWB fallen off the wagon? "My name is George and I'm a son of a bitch alco, pop. Get me outta here."

[Anonymous Coward]

Sangeeta

I think Sangeeta Goswami is most likely a lady. So *She* added ...

Is there an icon for pedants missing the humour of a story?

[Shaun Vizer]

Paris, you are my heroine

I profusely thank you El Reg for providing us stories about the one woman in the world who can only be classed as having a most sensitive soul, who deeply cares about the environment, others and of course those poor Rwandans..

Ok ill grab my D&G coat, oh sorry that's Paris's....

[Ian Hunter]

Paris

I'd like to get rather drunk, then show Paris my elephant impression. Just to see if she had the same compassion for my trunk.

[Robert Long]

@Ian Hunter

Right, that's it! You're barred.

[Luther Blissett]

@David Harper

>> the elephant began eating them... and the unwitting heffalump soon became quite sozzled.

You mean lolliphant.

[Pin]

<title goes here>

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

I love how she makes it sound like they are teenagers getting hold of booze. Surely they are breaking in to where ever the alcohol is and nicking it?

Also, when an elephant drinks does it remember what it was up to when it wakes up the next day...?

[kevin elliott]

Marulas

So what's she going to do when she hears about the Southern African elephants that pig out on marulas ( a local fruit) which then ferment in the beasts' stomachs and gets them - naturally - paralytic?

Cry buckets over that as well?

[Anonymous Coward]

Curious-uh curious-uh curious oranj

I think that "I am indeed happy Hilton" would be a good t-shirt slogan, or a meme.

I choose Paris Hilton as my avatar, because she is the subject of the story.

[Hywel Thomas]

I can't see drink and elephant together and not think Jazz Butcher....

http://www.jazzbutcher.com/htdb/lyrics/water.html

Has the elephant had any water

Has that elephant had any water

Life is short and it's always getting shorter

So think about the elephant and give him a drink

Has the elephant had any water

Has the elephant got any shorter

Don't care if you look like Dracula's daughter

Talk to the elephant and see what he thinks

Think about the elephant and give him a drink

Talk to the elephant

Because he thinks about...drink

[Avi]

@Ian

Would you consider your wild elephant to be deprived or dangerous to the public?

I think she's more worried about keeping the elephants, like yours, safely hidden away.

http://www.jonco48.com/blog/don_27t_20fall_20for_20this_small.jpg

[Anonymous Coward]

Shades of Brasseye?

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

Cue Chris Morris roping in some gullible celebs to endorse a minimum drinking age for elephants to put an end to this terrible delinquency.

[Anonymous Coward]

I've seen it

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

Yeah, that's very true, happens all the time. I've seen it. Last time was in the pub, after a number of Elephant pints (Carlsberg). Around at the 12th or 13th., was looking at my pint, and I saw the elephant move. I swear... It was surely drunk, judging by the way it was dancing... Very dangerous .... Would be worse in India (as everything is worse here) ...

And oh, well, that chick, Hilton, does she still feel "empty inside" ? You'll have to pour the whole water of the earth oceans inside her to only lower that feeling :-)

[Paul C. Hartley]

Zombie Elephants...!

"I am indeed happy Hilton has taken note of recent incidents of wild elephants in north-east India going berserk after drinking homemade rice beer and getting killed."

To hell with the rise of the machines, in India it appears to be the rising dead elephants going nuts that the locals are worried about if this story is to be believed.

Begs the question, if elephants are normally grey, what colour are zombie elephants?

[Chris Seiter]

Green-Eyed Monster

I think she's jealous of the fact that they don't have to wear underwear and can drink more than she can. And who knows, the elephant could wake up the next morning and tell his buddies "Dude, Dude, dude, you'll never guess who I shagged last night." Incidentally, look here for a great debate on the definition of a "Dude".

http://www.worthlessfacts.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=comments.dsp_comments&factID=876&tierParentID=8

[Anonymous Coward]

What Paris really meant was...

..."stop giving alchol to the elephants or there won't be enough for me"

[Les Matthew]

My twisted mind

Do Elephants suffer from the beer goggle effect too? ;)

[Sceptical Bastard]

You WANT Paris?

"Hilton should, in fact, think of visiting this region..."

Jesus! Don't encourage her!

PS: It's stories such as this that make El Reg a 'must read'

[George Brown]

Infested?

He added: "As part of her global elephant campaign, Hilton should, in fact, think of visiting this region literally infested with elephants."

Infested? Like vermin? Perhaps this is some kind of natural selection. Like an elephant Darwin Awards..

[Fozzy]

Bollywood -v- Hollywood

Hollywood has the stars of Lost drunk and rampaging around the streets terrorising the locals and Bollywood has the elephants. I'm not sure which is more terrifying. We do need to which figure out which group would cause the most caranage though. Is there a E - reg unit of measurement for this. I think we need one

[Anonymous Coward]

The Link

Apparently, prior to this incident the elephants had all been given short jail sentences for booze-related shenanigans, which were then reduced after the elephants fell ill with mysterious illnesses and cried a lot ....

[Anonymous Coward]

@Ian Hunter

Does your elephant have white ears, perchance?

Me -> Coat -> Zoo

[Slaine]

Solution

The obvious solution to this dreadfully dangerous overindulgence by our pachydermic cousins is to take away their charge cards. They will then be unable to purchase the alcohol that, as the delightful Ms Hilton puts it, "we make available to them".

[Anonymous Coward]

something goes here I guess?

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

I wouldn't know where to start on this comment! Does she REALLY have an IQ that is too low to measure?

Ok it has to be done:

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?

A: To try to forget.

"Opens Coat shop"

Me ---> Raincoat ----> Shops

[Anonymous Coward]

Oh

Sadly it seems that this story did not happen:

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/P/PEOPLE_PARIS_HILTON?SITE=TNKNN&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

"GAUHATI, India (AP) -- In a Nov. 13 story, The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India."

[Slaine]

@ Ashley Pomeroy

awe pooooooo. You had to spoil our fun.

Anyway, I am still firmly of the following belief: "NEVER believe ANYTHING until it is OFFICIALLY DENIED"