Paris Hilton exits missionary position to save Universe

Well, as you can see here, our big Paris Hilton headline competition provoked a bit of a stampede among Reg commentators keen to contribute their bit to the advancement of Vulture Central's award-winning non-IT-related coverage. For the record, the headline and intro you now see are a composite of the best on offer as chosen …

[FelixReg]

Headline

Rwanda Mourns Loss of Paris Hilton

[Andrew Moore]

Swedish Chef

Paris Hilton BORK BORK BORK

sorry- first thing that came to mind

[Matt Newman]

Paris Hilton deals Rwandan blow - job with japanese babes

All because she was feeling empty inside

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton Big In Japan

Nuff Said

[Haku]

Well, here goes...

Partier Paris Picks Posers, Chump Changes Charity

[Duncan Hothersall]

Paris Hilton surprises no-one, gets coverage

Sub-head:

Priorities re-assessed, pointlessness re-affirmed

[Nigel]

Surely its..

Paris Hilton drops everything to leave twinkle in Jap's eye...

[Craig Peters]

Headline!

Hilton postpones Rwanda for one night in Tokyo.

[Mikael Jensen]

Paris Hilton does the Tokyo Universe

Paris Hilton does the Tokyo Universe -

Besides being a jailbird

[Mark]

Paris Hilton, if you think you're hard enough

Or are you going to disqualify me because you said that already without knowing it worked..?

[Graham Jordan]

Still isn't dead

Sub title : Satans minions delighted

[randomtask]

Paris Hilton Eats Baby Seal

"Thats Hot" she fumed as she asked for a glass of water!

Underwear was nowhere to be seen.

[BossHog]

"Paris Hilton leaves Rwanda; Hits Japan; Misses Universe."

Also, did anyone else misread a line in the article as the following:

"[PH] was airlifted yesterday into a media thong"

[adnim]

Title..

here's a couple

Paris Hilton exposes her values.

Paris Hilton leaves her mark, by pissing on Rwanda

[A. Lewis]

Oh well

No point entering now.

"Paris Hilton deals Rwandan blow - job with japanese babes" wins without a doubt!

[David Lurie]

My two cents

Paris Hilton receives honorary doctorate for services to mankind

[simon ellis]

It can ONLY be

"Paris Hilton Ate My Platoon" Says Dog Soldier.

[Simon Westerby]

Paris Hilton Rwandas' off (again)

I'll get my coat

[Frank Bough]

My Effort

Paris Dies in Gutter, Pap Sells £1M Corpse Pic.

[Alex]

"Nipping it in the bud", claims Paris

...Sub Comment : "Rwanda breathes sigh of relief at exiting Paris"

[Geoff Spick]

Paris Hilton: "Bring us sushi" demand starving Rwandan orphans

or Paris chooses Bullet train over bullets

[Keith Martin]

Paris Hilton Drops Tutsis for Titsies

Self explanatory, I hope.

[Scott]

Paris Titilates Rawandans, Engulfs Japanese.

Japanese scientists clone Paris Hilton every Country on Earth to receive Goodwill Ambassador; )

[Mike Hopkins]

Non topical

Paris Hilton in African, Japanese Ménage à trois shocker! (No Video)

[Jon Cowie]

Paris abandons Rwanda to save Universe

Paris abandons Rwanda to save Universe

[Caleb Grant]

Paris Hilton's tunnel closes for reburbishment

News in that Paris Hilton's local metro stop is to close for refurbishment is in...

http://www.hilton.co.uk/paris

[Ben]

Hutu and Tutsi United

No Hilton in Kigali

[James]

"Paris Hilton...

...remains someone I have no interest in reading stories about, least of all on The Register."

And as a subheading you could have "Now in process: Less of the heiress"

[Hans]

No title but . . .

I just loved the line

" the multi-talented heiress was airlifted yesterday into a media thong"

huh? What . . . did I misread it . . . ?

[Lloyd]

Paris Hilton declared non entity

Still gets publicity for being pointless vaccuous media whore.

[Greg Button]

Paris Hilton - 'Fingers up to Rwanda for quick thrill in Tokoyo'

rarara

[Huseyin Huseyin]

Stupid Call-Girl Goes Far Eastern: Tits Instead of Orphans

Sick Chix Nix Kids

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton Pledges to Leave a Mark on the World !

In other news; Dry-Cleaning shares up, Kleenex shares up, Hotel shares down.

Sony to open new camcorder tape plant.

2008 Internet speeds forecast to be slow.

Yeah, too big for a headline but what the heck?

[Torben Mogensen]

Paris Hilton to Miss Universe

Subtitle: Feelings aren't reciprocated, through.

[Shaun Vizer]

A few:

Paris crowns Japanese babes over Rwanda starving

Paris prefers Japanese women to Rwandan

Charity is hard but judging swimwear is harder! explains Paris

Paris is airlifted to Japan escaping Rwanda!

I can leave a bigger mark with Japanese babes than those in Rwanda, so says Paris

Raw fish over dead cow!

[jj]

Paris Hilton Polls Mori - No Comment

My £0.02 worth

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton Judges In Japan for the Sake of It

Let's face it, she's probably only there for the rice wine.

'ny

[stuntman]

here is your risky healine

Paris Hilton Wares' Yellow, Dumps Brown

[Gareth Potter]

Paris Hilton Drops Everything For Fashion Election

Ls and Rs not confused

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton Checks Out Of Hotel Rwanda To Check Out Japanese Babes

As above...

[Geoff]

Paris Hilton dumps starving Rwandan's for starving blondes, who's skinnier?

And more to the point, who's better educated? My moneys on the Rwandan's.

[Neil]

Caring Paris Hilton Blows needy Rwandans prefering Asian babes

Sex sex sex .... please

[Ben W]

IT Girl needs SAT NAV!

It takes a certain type of person to aim for Rwanda and hit japan!

[srvr]

A Dilettante's Dilema

With the chosen definition of Dliettante of the day being:

"A person who takes up an art, activity merely for amusement, esp. in a desultory or superficial way; dabbler."

[Shakje]

Just for the hell of annoying some people...

Paris Hilton Uses Leopard - Can't Play Warcraft

[!!11oneeleven]

Headline's fine as it is

No, really. The most important bits are there: The words Paris and Hilton. Everybody will remember the rest of the sentence as XXXXX anyway...

[Ian Hunter]

Paris Hilton...

Sucks Cocks For Baccy.

[Henk]

Fill out the X's

How about Paris Hilton DIE! DIE! DIE!.

Has a subtle hint hidden in it.

[Toby Green]

Paris Hilton "a far more deserving cause"

Paris Hilton "a far more deserving cause"

[paul brain]

Hilton Headline

Hilton jumps on massive Japanese chopper with sister.

[Nìall Tracey]

In the great tradition of "What's the IT angle?"

Headline...

Paris Hilton: who cares?

Subheading.

Not her!

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton - Titties not Tutsis

(Or hoohahs not hutus?)

[Phil Standen]

How about ....

Heir Lifted to rising Sun

Paris gets Japanese Chopper

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton asks "Does Lester Get Paid For This?"

"Even I could do that", claims heiress

[Richard]

Paris Hilton confounds Rwandans with Final Solution

(sub) Tragic mix-up sends Godzilla to Kigali

[Anonymous Coward]

Tutsi toddlers hunger as Hilton honours Asian ass

Sub:

Paris to Tokyo: Me luv u long time

[jonathan keith]

Paris Hilton mercy flight for starving waifs

Won't someone please think of the, er, models?

[Damian Gabriel Moran]

Paris Hilton assumes missionary position

an oldie but a goodie!

[HeavyLight]

Paris Fucks Rwanda, Saves Universe

doh

[Tom Haczewski]

How about...

Paris leaves a mark on the world. A skidmark.

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Says Nope To Needy And Nips Off To Nippon To Judge Nipponese Nipples

What more can I say ?

[Damien Cahill]

Headline: Paris Hilton dumps Rwandan kids in moment of clarity

Subhead: Goes to finger Japanese beauty winner.

[peter stone]

Voting with her Feet - Paris snubs Tutsi's for Totty

elbows

[Paul]

NOTING WORTH READING (usual Hilton crap) - Please move to next article

If you do this again, PLEASE pick something worth the effort.

[Craig McLean]

Paris Hilton confuses Mascara with Massacre

Abandons Rwandans and nips to Nippon.

[tim chubb]

Boffins discover shallowest organism

sub heading:

paris's words help nanotech

[Hammer_Time]

Paris Hilton remembers how to shop at last minute , Tokyo is Hot, Rwanda is Not!

Thank God Shopping is like riding a bicycle, once you learn you never forget!!

[Smallbrainfield]

Paris Hilton Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes

Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes.

[Smallbrainfield]

Paris Hilton Considers Hutu Visit

Picks Japan over Rwanda. Tutsi daisy!

[Carl Smith]

Headline: Paris Hilton...honestly, who really cares?

Subheadline: Seriously, are you that shallow?

[Steve]

Paris nips out for Miss Universe, not charity

...ti tum.

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton Says-Love You Long Time

Paris Hilton Says-Love You Long Time

[Dam]

Headline:

Paris wants to "leave her mark", releases NEW sex vid

[Anonymous Coward]

Headline: Africans not big enough for Paris Hilton but likes the smell of sushi?

Maybe the sumo wrestlers can keep her occupied?

[Jason]

Paris Hilton, what a Bitch

sub heading: 'nuff said

Or is that outright slander?

[Sweep]

Paris Fucks Rwandans, Fingers Miss Universe

lovely jubbly

[Lexx Greatrex]

Paris Hilton judges in Japan, Rwanda no contest

Paris Hilton sacrifices Rwanda to save beauty pageant

Paris Hilton judges starving Japanese ahead of Rwanda

Paris Hilton torn between Rwanda and shopping

[Konstantinos]

Paris Hilton does it with Hentai-kun

Even hentais need some luv

[Jonny H]

Paris Hilton Rwanders off to Tokyo

didn't see that one in the list ;)

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton spares Rwanada, Japan not so lucky

Japan only invited her as they thought she was busy...

[Jon Brindley]

Headline

Paris Hilton Cures Cancer and Ends Third-World Debt: World + Dog Shocked

Hilton: "I was just like, you know, walking, you know, and it, like, you know, came to me, in like, you know, one big go."

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton to miss universe (and Rwanda)

Paris Hilton to miss universe (and Rwanda)

[Ben W]

- B.I.N.T Brainless Idiot Near Tokyo

- Tokyo is the new Rwanda says Cosmo('s)!

- "err poor people" says Paris

- Japanese horror at bombshell diversion!

Ok Ok I'll stop now.

[Andrew Barratt]

How about....

How about the barry scott line...

Bang! and the bitch is gone.....

[Andrew Barratt]

Rwandan HIV not a problem.

Sub heading : Hilton Imposition Vanishes...

[Mark Roome]

Paris Hilton bows to Japan Universe conquest

Rwanda left in Africa

[Dexter Berlekey]

Paris Picks Universe, Mainly Empty Inside

Prefers locations similar to personality

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton goes to Belgium on purpose...

Finds dead mime in forest

[Fluffykins]

My go!

Paris Hilton celebrates life as world's only surviving personality transplant donor

-or-

Paris Hilton video game now available with free groin attachment

[Graham]

Hilton abandons children for shopping trip

subtitle: Tokyo wannabes celebrate as Rwandan woes deepen.

[Paul Bullough]

Paris Hilton, world's thinest Hippo ... crite

Yeah, the spelling doesn't quite work, but no techy is going to notice that.

[Dave]

Paris Hilton Spreads Her Wings.

Sub: STI's rise in Japan. Now called 'yeast in the east'.

[spezzer]

The Japanese Yen is stronger than African Yang

...quite pleased with that after deliberating on the bog for 10 minutes!!

[Mark Searle]

Headline

Paris Hilton SLIP SLAP SLOP

[James]

"Paris Hilton...

...is just one of the many pointless topics Lester Haines constantly chooses to demonstrate his utter unsuitability to write for an IT news site."

[Gareth Hughes]

OK then...

Paris Hilton in Rwandan Pump and Dump Scam

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris in Tokyo

Rwanda in party mode...

[Cameron Colley]

Relief for war-torn Rwanda, Japanese not so lucky.

Hiltons available in Tokyo, Rwanda must wait. (according to the website anyhow)

[Sampler]

Paris Hilton thinks the rest of us are as dumb as she

If she think's we'll fall for a media stunt like Rawanda

(as alot of celebrities do this without telling the world and don't piss off in the middle of it to celebrate what she's supposed to be doing a u-turn on)

[Anonymous Coward]

Japan beats Rwanda as the new location for Paris

subtitle: Rwandan Charities could not match Tokyo Shopping opportunities

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton doing good has no foundation

Spots still the same, shoe still fits...

[Andy G]

Apologies :-

Paris wishes to leave mark on world instead of bedsheets

[Tom Farrar]

Rwanda's gain, Japan's loss: Paris gives way to back door entry

... i know.*******

[Chad Greiner]

Leave it as is.

Heck, it got me to click on it from "across the page." I was disappointed when it wasn't a link to "A night in Paris, part deaux."

[The Gritter]

Paris chooses fine sushi girls over abandoned bush babes

*sigh*

[Anonymous Coward]

Media Discover Universe, Credit Hilton

see above

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Blows Rwandan Orphans to Save The Universe

Too many to read through, so apologies if this is already in the suggestions:

Paris Blows Rwandan Orphans to Save The Universe

[Andy G]

Paris leaves missionary position and joins in fun with sister and japanese models

hee hee

/TAXI ! ! !

[chris britton]

Headline

Paris Hilton, lingerie and a Japanese Sunset, leads to Rwandans being disappointed. Hilton quoted as saying “I feel empty inside. I wanted to leave a mark on the world.”

[FRLinux]

Paris Hilton postpones saving the world for the universe

Save the Cheerleader as they say :)

[Law]

Paris Hilton demands to know "Where's the IT angle?!"

Best title ever... relevant to the story, has paris and the usual question relating to stories on her! :)

[Andrew]

Paris forgets missionary position...

..in favour of riding Japanese chopper and fingering Miss Universe

[Marc]

Paris Hilton still at 18 Avenue de Suffren, Paris, denies jilting Hotel Rwanda for Tokyo

or...

Paris Hilton unites waring factions. (sub heading) Locals bury the hatchet to celebrate near miss by Celeb air head.

[Andy Pearce]

Paris Postpones Visit To Reality

Fantasy has better shopping, apparently.

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Blows Tutsis to Finger Titsies

mix up.. of some already good suggestions.

Paris Blows Rwandan Orphans to Save The Universe.. oh thats good!

[C]

Rwandan Orphans...look down at Paris' Universe

You dont need to be an orphan to look down at Paris, esp if your in a plane

[David T Wonderllama]

Paris Hilton blesses Rwanda by going elsewhere.

Sub Head: Rwandas sighs of relief heard worldwide

[Jon]

Paris Hilton in thong.. Oops, throng..

Well, that'd be a first! Paris with her knickers on when there's cameras around!

[anthony bingham]

She lives on coconuts and thingys from the sea ... tra la !!

Paris Hilton avoids Missionary Position in favour embracing Japan-ease!

[Anonymous Coward]

Hilton rather Big in Japan...

...then a small light in Rwanda.

[Anonymous Coward]

Ph.Deed

Paris Hilton eschews Rwandan education. Heads for Japanese Universe city instead.

[Matt Jenkins]

errrm...

Paris saves the universe, Rwandas rejoice

[Badminstyles]

How about

Paris has Nipped to Japan Leaving Africans Rwandaring

--

borderline?

[JR]

Studies show: Rich Hiltons dont go to Rwanda

instead they prefer Japanese Models...

[Mike Norris]

Paris Hilton - Selfless in Kigali Novotel - Selfish in Tokyo Ritz

Well it works for me...

[Jon]

Shopping better in Japan than Africa..

Ask Paris, she knows you know.

[Mike Norris]

bash: Paris: command not found

Shame...

[Michael]

Paris Hilton XXXX XXXX XXXX

Paris Hilton: Japan 1 - Rwanda 0 and new centre-forward makes her mark

Liverpool probably doesn't need her ... services

[Anonymous Coward]

Title

It takes an Universe to save a Country...shopping that is

[John Sims]

Paris leaves "mark on the world" - sh**s on Rwanda

Paris leaves "mark on the world" - sh**s on Rwanda

[Chris Fryer]

Paris Hilton: "Sayonara, Tutsi tots: I'm Nippon off to Tokyo."

You like?

[Ian]

Paris Hilton says "Let them eat Sushi"

Solves the worlds hunger problems...

[matchbx]

@ By Sweep

You're very very close.

How bout

Paris Fucks Rwandans and Fingers Miss Universe at the same time.

manages to squeeze in shopping too.

or

Rwandans Screwed by Paris while she Fingers Miss Universe in Japan.

manages to squeeze in shopping too.

or

Paris Hilton in a foursome

Fingers Miss Universe, Screws Rwandan Charity, Shops with Sister all while in Japan.

inspired by: Sweep

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Diverts To Miss Universe

Talented heiress in last minute change of direction

[Dan Webb]

Paris Hilton demonstrates Preemptive Priority Based Task Scheduling

Finds IT angle...

[GrahamT]

Paris Hilton: Out of Africa..

Into Nippon tuck Universe

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton finds way to fk entire country

...and time left over for shaved sushi

[Silvergunner]

Paris Hilton annoys Japan for a change

I think that will be fitting considering we hear so much about her, its annoying...

[Marco]

Paris Hilton doesn't want to buy Rwandan babies

or "Paris Hilton blows Rwanda hard"

[H'arj Imladd]

Paris Hilton Haiku's out of Africa...

Seeing as she's gone to Japan where Haiku is revered as a high form of poetry, inspiration and philosophy, there can only be one true tag-line for this story :

Paris Hilton, coke sacking typo

Take your carcass away

Darken our door do not again

[Jon Eiche]

Paris Hilton: New Route to "World Peace"

Paris Hilton: New Route to "World Peace"

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris Hilton - finds God, renounces fortune, joins nunnery

Totally irrelevant, but guarantees lots of page hits.

[Gary]

Paris passes on Rwandan dieting tips to Japanese models

Doing her bit to combat the global obesity epidemic

[Richard Cain]

Paris poo-poos sub-zero size models on latest shopping trip.

Title:

Paris sub-zero size models on latest shopping trip.

Sub title:

Did lack of tasty food for a few days influence her decision? Tell us now!

Call 09999 999 0990 (calls cost only £25 per minute).

Alternatively log on to www.bbcitv.am/elreg/?IT?/1010/I.think.lesters.great.psp.html.doc.txt.pdf

[opens as a new page entitled "get a life - there is more to it than IT"]

[Slaine]

Paris Hilton competition marks first "withdrawn" entry from MEEEEEEE

Sub: the writer was utterly aghast to discover that the fairly witty comment he made twice that day was rejected by the "censors". Asked later at his laptop in a dingy part of England, the author said, "I really don't see what was wrong with abbreviating the words that already appeared in the original article. It was meant to be a snackfood reference and certainly made me laugh, especially when one could take it either way; much like Ms Hilton it seems.

[Rhiakath Flanders]

Future scientists relieved as Paris acknowledges being a no-brainer

As a brain is difficult to revive after freezing, scientists approve that Paris Hilton will be the first test subject... They were scared that Paris Hilton had a brain, but she just made them feel ok...

[Andrew]

Paris Hilton Turns Japanese

- Given pearl necklace as leaving gift

[Anonymous Coward]

Paris visits Japan, Rwanda sends aid

Proof that a woman will always prefer 3" in luxurious surroundings rather than 12" in a field in the third world.

[Chris Adams]

Paris Prefers Picking Perfect Pertness to Patronising Poor People

Rwandan Shopping Opportunites "Limited" says airhead heiress.

[vonBureck]

Jailbird jetsetter jumps jejune jungle job, judges Jap jubs

Didn't come through before... moderator discriminates 'j' sensation

[James]

Cheers Lester

There I was, thinking "how can I get an honorary mention on this?" when it occurred to me, all I had to do was mention your name. It's certain to drag you away from deciding which stories to copy-paste out of the AP's weird world feed to get noticed, and you can never resist seeing it in print. An affliction, unfortunately, I do not share.

[Dr Stephen Jones]

Paris Hilton reminds El Reg: "It's Ctrl-C for Copy, and Ctrl-V for Paste"

And do we get paid for our User Generated Content?

[Anonymous Coward]

On behalf of the US...

I'd like to offer my personal apology to Japan, Rwanda, hell let's just make this a global apology for the Hilton sisters. There are no adequate words in any language that properly and clearly define, describe or communicate just how fucking worthless they are.

However, decorum doesn't allow me to use the type of language necessary, even to make an attempt.

[Glen Goergen]

State Represenative

The dear Paris Hilton is precicley akin to the State of Nebraska, completely flat and extremely easy to enter. I hope you all have easy travels