back to article Paris Hilton exits missionary position to save Universe

Well, as you can see here, our big Paris Hilton headline competition provoked a bit of a stampede among Reg commentators keen to contribute their bit to the advancement of Vulture Central's award-winning non-IT-related coverage. For the record, the headline and intro you now see are a composite of the best on offer as chosen …


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  1. FelixReg


    Rwanda Mourns Loss of Paris Hilton

  2. Andrew Moore
    Paris Hilton

    Swedish Chef

    Paris Hilton BORK BORK BORK

    sorry- first thing that came to mind

  3. Matt Newman
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton deals Rwandan blow - job with japanese babes

    All because she was feeling empty inside

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton Big In Japan

    Nuff Said

  5. Haku

    Well, here goes...

    Partier Paris Picks Posers, Chump Changes Charity

  6. Duncan Hothersall
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton surprises no-one, gets coverage


    Priorities re-assessed, pointlessness re-affirmed

  7. Nigel

    Surely its..

    Paris Hilton drops everything to leave twinkle in Jap's eye...

  8. Craig Peters


    Hilton postpones Rwanda for one night in Tokyo.

  9. Mikael Jensen

    Paris Hilton does the Tokyo Universe

    Paris Hilton does the Tokyo Universe -

    Besides being a jailbird

  10. Mark

    Paris Hilton, if you think you're hard enough

    Or are you going to disqualify me because you said that already without knowing it worked..?

  11. Graham Jordan

    Still isn't dead

    Sub title : Satans minions delighted

  12. randomtask
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton Eats Baby Seal

    "Thats Hot" she fumed as she asked for a glass of water!

    Underwear was nowhere to be seen.

  13. BossHog

    "Paris Hilton leaves Rwanda; Hits Japan; Misses Universe."

    Also, did anyone else misread a line in the article as the following:

    "[PH] was airlifted yesterday into a media thong"

  14. adnim


    here's a couple

    Paris Hilton exposes her values.

    Paris Hilton leaves her mark, by pissing on Rwanda

  15. A. Lewis
    Paris Hilton

    Oh well

    No point entering now.

    "Paris Hilton deals Rwandan blow - job with japanese babes" wins without a doubt!

  16. David Lurie
    Thumb Up

    My two cents

    Paris Hilton receives honorary doctorate for services to mankind

  17. simon ellis

    It can ONLY be

    "Paris Hilton Ate My Platoon" Says Dog Soldier.

  18. Simon Westerby
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton Rwandas' off (again)

    I'll get my coat

  19. Frank Bough
    IT Angle

    My Effort

    Paris Dies in Gutter, Pap Sells £1M Corpse Pic.

  20. Alex
    Paris Hilton

    "Nipping it in the bud", claims Paris

    ...Sub Comment : "Rwanda breathes sigh of relief at exiting Paris"

  21. Geoff Spick

    Paris Hilton: "Bring us sushi" demand starving Rwandan orphans

    or Paris chooses Bullet train over bullets

  22. Keith Martin
    IT Angle

    Paris Hilton Drops Tutsis for Titsies

    Self explanatory, I hope.

  23. Scott

    Paris Titilates Rawandans, Engulfs Japanese.

    Japanese scientists clone Paris Hilton every Country on Earth to receive Goodwill Ambassador; )

  24. Mike Hopkins

    Non topical

    Paris Hilton in African, Japanese Ménage à trois shocker! (No Video)

  25. Jon Cowie
    Paris Hilton

    Paris abandons Rwanda to save Universe

    Paris abandons Rwanda to save Universe

  26. Caleb Grant

    Paris Hilton's tunnel closes for reburbishment

    News in that Paris Hilton's local metro stop is to close for refurbishment is in...

  27. Ben
    Paris Hilton

    Hutu and Tutsi United

    No Hilton in Kigali

  28. James

    "Paris Hilton...

    ...remains someone I have no interest in reading stories about, least of all on The Register."

    And as a subheading you could have "Now in process: Less of the heiress"

  29. Hans

    No title but . . .

    I just loved the line

    " the multi-talented heiress was airlifted yesterday into a media thong"

    huh? What . . . did I misread it . . . ?

  30. Lloyd
    Thumb Down

    Paris Hilton declared non entity

    Still gets publicity for being pointless vaccuous media whore.

  31. This post has been deleted by its author

  32. Greg Button

    Paris Hilton - 'Fingers up to Rwanda for quick thrill in Tokoyo'


  33. Huseyin Huseyin
    Paris Hilton

    Stupid Call-Girl Goes Far Eastern: Tits Instead of Orphans

    Sick Chix Nix Kids

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris Hilton Pledges to Leave a Mark on the World !

    In other news; Dry-Cleaning shares up, Kleenex shares up, Hotel shares down.

    Sony to open new camcorder tape plant.

    2008 Internet speeds forecast to be slow.

    Yeah, too big for a headline but what the heck?

  35. Torben Mogensen

    Paris Hilton to Miss Universe

    Subtitle: Feelings aren't reciprocated, through.

  36. Shaun Vizer
    Paris Hilton

    A few:

    Paris crowns Japanese babes over Rwanda starving

    Paris prefers Japanese women to Rwandan

    Charity is hard but judging swimwear is harder! explains Paris

    Paris is airlifted to Japan escaping Rwanda!

    I can leave a bigger mark with Japanese babes than those in Rwanda, so says Paris

    Raw fish over dead cow!

  37. jj

    Paris Hilton Polls Mori - No Comment

    My £0.02 worth

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris Hilton Judges In Japan for the Sake of It

    Let's face it, she's probably only there for the rice wine.


  39. stuntman

    here is your risky healine

    Paris Hilton Wares' Yellow, Dumps Brown

  40. Gareth Potter
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton Drops Everything For Fashion Election

    Ls and Rs not confused

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris Hilton Checks Out Of Hotel Rwanda To Check Out Japanese Babes

    As above...

  42. Geoff

    Paris Hilton dumps starving Rwandan's for starving blondes, who's skinnier?

    And more to the point, who's better educated? My moneys on the Rwandan's.

  43. Neil

    Caring Paris Hilton Blows needy Rwandans prefering Asian babes

    Sex sex sex .... please

  44. Ben W

    IT Girl needs SAT NAV!

    It takes a certain type of person to aim for Rwanda and hit japan!

  45. srvr
    Paris Hilton

    A Dilettante's Dilema

    With the chosen definition of Dliettante of the day being:

    "A person who takes up an art, activity merely for amusement, esp. in a desultory or superficial way; dabbler."

  46. Shakje

    Just for the hell of annoying some people...

    Paris Hilton Uses Leopard - Can't Play Warcraft

  47. !!11oneeleven

    Headline's fine as it is

    No, really. The most important bits are there: The words Paris and Hilton. Everybody will remember the rest of the sentence as XXXXX anyway...

  48. Ian Hunter

    Paris Hilton...

    Sucks Cocks For Baccy.

  49. Henk

    Fill out the X's

    How about Paris Hilton DIE! DIE! DIE!.

    Has a subtle hint hidden in it.

  50. Toby Green

    Paris Hilton "a far more deserving cause"

    Paris Hilton "a far more deserving cause"

  51. paul brain
    Paris Hilton

    Hilton Headline

    Hilton jumps on massive Japanese chopper with sister.

  52. Nìall Tracey

    In the great tradition of "What's the IT angle?"


    Paris Hilton: who cares?


    Not her!

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris Hilton - Titties not Tutsis

    (Or hoohahs not hutus?)

  54. Phil Standen

    How about ....

    Heir Lifted to rising Sun

    Paris gets Japanese Chopper

  55. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    Paris Hilton asks "Does Lester Get Paid For This?"

    "Even I could do that", claims heiress

  56. Richard
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton confounds Rwandans with Final Solution

    (sub) Tragic mix-up sends Godzilla to Kigali

  57. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tutsi toddlers hunger as Hilton honours Asian ass


    Paris to Tokyo: Me luv u long time

  58. jonathan keith
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton mercy flight for starving waifs

    Won't someone please think of the, er, models?

  59. Damian Gabriel Moran

    Paris Hilton assumes missionary position

    an oldie but a goodie!

  60. HeavyLight
    Jobs Horns

    Paris Fucks Rwanda, Saves Universe


  61. Tom Haczewski
    Paris Hilton

    How about...

    Paris leaves a mark on the world. A skidmark.

  62. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Says Nope To Needy And Nips Off To Nippon To Judge Nipponese Nipples

    What more can I say ?

  63. Damien Cahill
    Paris Hilton

    Headline: Paris Hilton dumps Rwandan kids in moment of clarity

    Subhead: Goes to finger Japanese beauty winner.

  64. peter stone

    Voting with her Feet - Paris snubs Tutsi's for Totty


  65. Paul

    NOTING WORTH READING (usual Hilton crap) - Please move to next article

    If you do this again, PLEASE pick something worth the effort.

  66. Craig McLean

    Paris Hilton confuses Mascara with Massacre

    Abandons Rwandans and nips to Nippon.

  67. tim chubb

    Boffins discover shallowest organism

    sub heading:

    paris's words help nanotech

  68. Hammer_Time

    Paris Hilton remembers how to shop at last minute , Tokyo is Hot, Rwanda is Not!

    Thank God Shopping is like riding a bicycle, once you learn you never forget!!

  69. Smallbrainfield
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes

    Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes Cornflakes.

  70. Smallbrainfield
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton Considers Hutu Visit

    Picks Japan over Rwanda. Tutsi daisy!

  71. Carl Smith

    Headline: Paris Hilton...honestly, who really cares?

    Subheadline: Seriously, are you that shallow?

  72. Steve

    Paris nips out for Miss Universe, not charity

    ...ti tum.

  73. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton Says-Love You Long Time

    Paris Hilton Says-Love You Long Time

  74. Dam


    Paris wants to "leave her mark", releases NEW sex vid

  75. Anonymous Coward

    Headline: Africans not big enough for Paris Hilton but likes the smell of sushi?

    Maybe the sumo wrestlers can keep her occupied?

  76. Jason
    Thumb Up

    Paris Hilton, what a Bitch

    sub heading: 'nuff said

    Or is that outright slander?

  77. Sweep

    Paris Fucks Rwandans, Fingers Miss Universe

    lovely jubbly

  78. Lexx Greatrex
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton judges in Japan, Rwanda no contest

    Paris Hilton sacrifices Rwanda to save beauty pageant

    Paris Hilton judges starving Japanese ahead of Rwanda

    Paris Hilton torn between Rwanda and shopping

  79. Konstantinos
    Dead Vulture

    Paris Hilton does it with Hentai-kun

    Even hentais need some luv

  80. Jonny H

    Paris Hilton Rwanders off to Tokyo

    didn't see that one in the list ;)

  81. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton spares Rwanada, Japan not so lucky

    Japan only invited her as they thought she was busy...

  82. Jon Brindley


    Paris Hilton Cures Cancer and Ends Third-World Debt: World + Dog Shocked

    Hilton: "I was just like, you know, walking, you know, and it, like, you know, came to me, in like, you know, one big go."

  83. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris Hilton to miss universe (and Rwanda)

    Paris Hilton to miss universe (and Rwanda)

  84. Ben W
    Paris Hilton

    - B.I.N.T Brainless Idiot Near Tokyo

    - Tokyo is the new Rwanda says Cosmo('s)!

    - "err poor people" says Paris

    - Japanese horror at bombshell diversion!

    Ok Ok I'll stop now.

  85. Andrew Barratt
    Thumb Up

    How about....

    How about the barry scott line...

    Bang! and the bitch is gone.....

  86. Andrew Barratt
    Paris Hilton

    Rwandan HIV not a problem.

    Sub heading : Hilton Imposition Vanishes...

  87. Mark Roome

    Paris Hilton bows to Japan Universe conquest

    Rwanda left in Africa

  88. Dexter Berlekey

    Paris Picks Universe, Mainly Empty Inside

    Prefers locations similar to personality

  89. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Paris Hilton goes to Belgium on purpose...

    Finds dead mime in forest

  90. Fluffykins Silver badge

    My go!

    Paris Hilton celebrates life as world's only surviving personality transplant donor


    Paris Hilton video game now available with free groin attachment

  91. Graham

    Hilton abandons children for shopping trip

    subtitle: Tokyo wannabes celebrate as Rwandan woes deepen.

  92. Paul Bullough

    Paris Hilton, world's thinest Hippo ... crite

    Yeah, the spelling doesn't quite work, but no techy is going to notice that.

  93. Dave

    Paris Hilton Spreads Her Wings.

    Sub: STI's rise in Japan. Now called 'yeast in the east'.

  94. spezzer
    Paris Hilton

    The Japanese Yen is stronger than African Yang

    ...quite pleased with that after deliberating on the bog for 10 minutes!!

  95. Mark Searle
    Paris Hilton


    Paris Hilton SLIP SLAP SLOP

  96. James

    "Paris Hilton... just one of the many pointless topics Lester Haines constantly chooses to demonstrate his utter unsuitability to write for an IT news site."

  97. Gareth Hughes

    OK then...

    Paris Hilton in Rwandan Pump and Dump Scam

  98. Anonymous Coward

    Paris in Tokyo

    Rwanda in party mode...

  99. Cameron Colley

    Relief for war-torn Rwanda, Japanese not so lucky.

    Hiltons available in Tokyo, Rwanda must wait. (according to the website anyhow)

  100. Sampler

    Paris Hilton thinks the rest of us are as dumb as she

    If she think's we'll fall for a media stunt like Rawanda

    (as alot of celebrities do this without telling the world and don't piss off in the middle of it to celebrate what she's supposed to be doing a u-turn on)

  101. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    Japan beats Rwanda as the new location for Paris

    subtitle: Rwandan Charities could not match Tokyo Shopping opportunities

  102. Anonymous Coward

    Paris Hilton doing good has no foundation

    Spots still the same, shoe still fits...

  103. Andy G

    Apologies :-

    Paris wishes to leave mark on world instead of bedsheets

  104. Tom Farrar
    Paris Hilton

    Rwanda's gain, Japan's loss: Paris gives way to back door entry

    ... i know.*******

  105. Chad Greiner
    Jobs Horns

    Leave it as is.

    Heck, it got me to click on it from "across the page." I was disappointed when it wasn't a link to "A night in Paris, part deaux."

  106. The Gritter

    Paris chooses fine sushi girls over abandoned bush babes


  107. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Media Discover Universe, Credit Hilton

    see above

  108. Anonymous Coward

    Paris Blows Rwandan Orphans to Save The Universe

    Too many to read through, so apologies if this is already in the suggestions:

    Paris Blows Rwandan Orphans to Save The Universe

  109. Andy G

    Paris leaves missionary position and joins in fun with sister and japanese models

    hee hee

    /TAXI ! ! !

  110. chris britton


    Paris Hilton, lingerie and a Japanese Sunset, leads to Rwandans being disappointed. Hilton quoted as saying “I feel empty inside. I wanted to leave a mark on the world.”

  111. FRLinux

    Paris Hilton postpones saving the world for the universe

    Save the Cheerleader as they say :)

  112. Law
    IT Angle

    Paris Hilton demands to know "Where's the IT angle?!"

    Best title ever... relevant to the story, has paris and the usual question relating to stories on her! :)

  113. Andrew

    Paris forgets missionary position... favour of riding Japanese chopper and fingering Miss Universe

  114. Marc
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton still at 18 Avenue de Suffren, Paris, denies jilting Hotel Rwanda for Tokyo


    Paris Hilton unites waring factions. (sub heading) Locals bury the hatchet to celebrate near miss by Celeb air head.

  115. Andy Pearce
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Postpones Visit To Reality

    Fantasy has better shopping, apparently.

  116. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris Blows Tutsis to Finger Titsies

    mix up.. of some already good suggestions.

    Paris Blows Rwandan Orphans to Save The Universe.. oh thats good!

  117. C
    Paris Hilton

    Rwandan Orphans...look down at Paris' Universe

    You dont need to be an orphan to look down at Paris, esp if your in a plane

  118. David T Wonderllama

    Paris Hilton blesses Rwanda by going elsewhere.

    Sub Head: Rwandas sighs of relief heard worldwide

  119. Jon
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton in thong.. Oops, throng..

    Well, that'd be a first! Paris with her knickers on when there's cameras around!

  120. anthony bingham

    She lives on coconuts and thingys from the sea ... tra la !!

    Paris Hilton avoids Missionary Position in favour embracing Japan-ease!

  121. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Halo

    Hilton rather Big in Japan...

    ...then a small light in Rwanda.

  122. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Paris Hilton eschews Rwandan education. Heads for Japanese Universe city instead.

  123. Matt Jenkins
    Paris Hilton


    Paris saves the universe, Rwandas rejoice

  124. Badminstyles
    Paris Hilton

    How about

    Paris has Nipped to Japan Leaving Africans Rwandaring



  125. JR
    Paris Hilton

    Studies show: Rich Hiltons dont go to Rwanda

    instead they prefer Japanese Models...

  126. Mike Norris
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton - Selfless in Kigali Novotel - Selfish in Tokyo Ritz

    Well it works for me...

  127. Jon
    Paris Hilton

    Shopping better in Japan than Africa..

    Ask Paris, she knows you know.

  128. Mike Norris
    Thumb Up

    bash: Paris: command not found


  129. Michael

    Paris Hilton XXXX XXXX XXXX

    Paris Hilton: Japan 1 - Rwanda 0 and new centre-forward makes her mark

    Liverpool probably doesn't need her ... services

  130. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    It takes an Universe to save a that is

  131. John Sims
    Dead Vulture

    Paris leaves "mark on the world" - sh**s on Rwanda

    Paris leaves "mark on the world" - sh**s on Rwanda

  132. Chris Fryer

    Paris Hilton: "Sayonara, Tutsi tots: I'm Nippon off to Tokyo."

    You like?

  133. Ian

    Paris Hilton says "Let them eat Sushi"

    Solves the worlds hunger problems...

  134. matchbx

    @ By Sweep

    You're very very close.

    How bout

    Paris Fucks Rwandans and Fingers Miss Universe at the same time.

    manages to squeeze in shopping too.


    Rwandans Screwed by Paris while she Fingers Miss Universe in Japan.

    manages to squeeze in shopping too.


    Paris Hilton in a foursome

    Fingers Miss Universe, Screws Rwandan Charity, Shops with Sister all while in Japan.

    inspired by: Sweep

  135. Anonymous Coward

    Paris Diverts To Miss Universe

    Talented heiress in last minute change of direction

  136. Dan Webb
    IT Angle

    Paris Hilton demonstrates Preemptive Priority Based Task Scheduling

    Finds IT angle...

  137. GrahamT
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton: Out of Africa..

    Into Nippon tuck Universe

  138. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris Hilton finds way to fk entire country

    ...and time left over for shaved sushi

  139. Silvergunner

    Paris Hilton annoys Japan for a change

    I think that will be fitting considering we hear so much about her, its annoying...

  140. Marco

    Paris Hilton doesn't want to buy Rwandan babies

    or "Paris Hilton blows Rwanda hard"

  141. H'arj Imladd
    Paris Hilton

    Paris Hilton Haiku's out of Africa...

    Seeing as she's gone to Japan where Haiku is revered as a high form of poetry, inspiration and philosophy, there can only be one true tag-line for this story :

    Paris Hilton, coke sacking typo

    Take your carcass away

    Darken our door do not again

  142. Jon Eiche

    Paris Hilton: New Route to "World Peace"

    Paris Hilton: New Route to "World Peace"

  143. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris Hilton - finds God, renounces fortune, joins nunnery

    Totally irrelevant, but guarantees lots of page hits.

  144. Gary

    Paris passes on Rwandan dieting tips to Japanese models

    Doing her bit to combat the global obesity epidemic

  145. This post has been deleted by its author

  146. Richard Cain
    Black Helicopters

    Paris poo-poos sub-zero size models on latest shopping trip.


    Paris sub-zero size models on latest shopping trip.

    Sub title:

    Did lack of tasty food for a few days influence her decision? Tell us now!

    Call 09999 999 0990 (calls cost only £25 per minute).

    Alternatively log on to

    [opens as a new page entitled "get a life - there is more to it than IT"]

  147. Slaine
    Dead Vulture

    Paris Hilton competition marks first "withdrawn" entry from MEEEEEEE

    Sub: the writer was utterly aghast to discover that the fairly witty comment he made twice that day was rejected by the "censors". Asked later at his laptop in a dingy part of England, the author said, "I really don't see what was wrong with abbreviating the words that already appeared in the original article. It was meant to be a snackfood reference and certainly made me laugh, especially when one could take it either way; much like Ms Hilton it seems.

  148. Rhiakath Flanders

    Future scientists relieved as Paris acknowledges being a no-brainer

    As a brain is difficult to revive after freezing, scientists approve that Paris Hilton will be the first test subject... They were scared that Paris Hilton had a brain, but she just made them feel ok...

  149. Andrew

    Paris Hilton Turns Japanese

    - Given pearl necklace as leaving gift

  150. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Paris visits Japan, Rwanda sends aid

    Proof that a woman will always prefer 3" in luxurious surroundings rather than 12" in a field in the third world.

  151. Chris Adams

    Paris Prefers Picking Perfect Pertness to Patronising Poor People

    Rwandan Shopping Opportunites "Limited" says airhead heiress.

  152. vonBureck
    Black Helicopters

    Jailbird jetsetter jumps jejune jungle job, judges Jap jubs

    Didn't come through before... moderator discriminates 'j' sensation

  153. James

    Cheers Lester

    There I was, thinking "how can I get an honorary mention on this?" when it occurred to me, all I had to do was mention your name. It's certain to drag you away from deciding which stories to copy-paste out of the AP's weird world feed to get noticed, and you can never resist seeing it in print. An affliction, unfortunately, I do not share.

  154. Dr Stephen Jones

    Paris Hilton reminds El Reg: "It's Ctrl-C for Copy, and Ctrl-V for Paste"

    And do we get paid for our User Generated Content?

  155. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    On behalf of the US...

    I'd like to offer my personal apology to Japan, Rwanda, hell let's just make this a global apology for the Hilton sisters. There are no adequate words in any language that properly and clearly define, describe or communicate just how fucking worthless they are.

    However, decorum doesn't allow me to use the type of language necessary, even to make an attempt.

  156. Glen Goergen

    State Represenative

    The dear Paris Hilton is precicley akin to the State of Nebraska, completely flat and extremely easy to enter. I hope you all have easy travels

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