Why wait?
Can they just put her in there now?
Paris Hilton heads for the cryogenic freezer
There is some excellent news today for future generations who had until now been condemned to a bleak and meaningless existence without the entertaining presence of multi-talented former jailbird Paris Hilton, viz: the heiress intends to extend her life "by hundreds and thousands of years" in a cryogenic chamber. Hilton has …
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 10:42 GMT Anonymous Coward
She really hasn't thought this through.
"Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. And if you're immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved."
Well done love, you've said it right there that you'll already be dead when they chuck you in the freezer. How do you plan to extend your life by thousands of years when that life will already have ended?
If all it took to cure death was cold temperatures, Siberia would be zombie central.
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 10:42 GMT Anonymous Coward
Welcome to the future, Paris...
... your suite is just down here in the evolutionary history exhibit, homo-sapien section.
Lets face it, as a human zoo exhibit, she is already well experienced. Though I can imagine the evolutionists getting a right ribbing over the idea that post-humanity evolved from THAT!
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 10:42 GMT Santa
So in a million years when dogs rule the world...
they will unearth Paris Hilton and say "See, back in prehistoric times, when important dogs died, they used to bury human slaves with them! Why are they frozen? That's the neat thing - it was to keep the meat fresh for the dog masters in the afterlife!"
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 10:42 GMT Smallbrainfield
Hopefully, enlightened future society,
with it's silver togas and food pills and flying cars will embrace the simple joy of thawed-out Paris, as we have in this epoch.
What war-ravaged, post-apocalyptic future society of mute humans and intelligent ape overlords will make of her is another matter. I'm sure Paris won't notice the difference.
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 11:06 GMT Christoph Hechl
This brings it all together
Two mayor El Reg storylines:
- PH
- ROTM (btw there is still no ROTM icon...)
In a (hopefully very distant) future, the heiress will be thawed, revived and shown to newly built machines with the words: "See kids. That is why our ancestors had no choice but to assume control and wipe out the rest of them."
Another thought: When she is frozen inside a machine, that then controls her body, will said body be relieved, not to have to do the thinking anymore?
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 11:13 GMT A. Lewis
Hmmm
"I love having everything documented. It shows people what everyday life is like for me"
I think she's labouring under the misapprehension that people care...
I wonder if when she wakes up in the year 3000, the 'career chip' she has implanted (by a purple-haired cyclops, naturally) will be for 'porn-star bimbo'?
Invoke(Rule8)
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 12:33 GMT g e
Would it be poetic justice if...
She was indeed brought back to life in a thousand years (assuming various crazy nations round the world haven't bombed everyone - not looking at anyone in particular...) and she was 100% conscious but utterly paralysed. And in enormous pain. And completely unable to communicate it...
Or is that just too harsh to be poetic... ?
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 12:38 GMT Rob
"There are a lot of misconceptions about me"
Not sure what she means by that, only conceptions I have of her are a blonde with nice tits that's easy to get in bed and you can film it as well.
What more do you want from her?
/sick, gutter mind
Do you think once she's frozen they could maybe turn her into an attraction/ride (bearing in mind what I said previously and as long as they freeze her yesterday). Would be no different to the warm version as you don't expect a meanful conversation anyway.
/end sick, gutter mind
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 12:38 GMT Phill Holland
Wrinkles
I guess she'll be fairly old when they chuck her in there. Rich annoying people do have a habit of living longer than you'd like.
Which setting do you think they'd use on the microwave when it comes time to defrost her?
Maybe they wouldn't use a microwave at all, I guess you'd just build a big fire and create a spitroast type setup. I'm sure she'd love that.
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 13:07 GMT Anonymous Coward
Warning from the future
Anyone who has seen the 1960 version of the 'The Time Machine' knows that mankind's future is split between brain-dead blonde imbiciic Eloi and thuggish troll-like Morlocks.
So now we know where the former group originates, the only question remaining is 'has anyone seen Johnny Vegas with a Cryonics brochure?'
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 14:55 GMT Sceptical Bastard
Time Machine (@ Mike Richards)
The 1960 version? That'd be as opposed to the 1890s version by HG Wells in which, coincidentally, the time traveller discovers a tribe of fair-skinned blonde vacuous people (called Eloi) do no work at all (that's the Paris angle, of course). Remarkably, there is a further coincidence: the blonde airheads are farmed for food by the cannibalistic Morlocks (no sniggering about 'eating Paris').
Do you think this novel and that film could be related? I think we should be told. ;)
Sorry, back to the El Reg story. Oxygen is scarce enough nowadays without moronic fuck-dollies like Paris Hilton wasting it. In centuries to come, both oxgen and lebensraum will probably be in even shorter supply. So is it really likely that our distant descendants are going to re-animate cryo-corpses who, once alive, can offer nothing to society except, perhaps, anal sex?
Mind you, if meat is in short supply, they might defrost her and ... we're back to 'eating Paris'.
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 14:55 GMT b shubin
Apropos
do bodily fluids count as a "mark upon the world"?
in the US, many people (well, "persons", in the legal sense - i don't really consider that crowd evolved or sophisticated) certainly consider Mr. Clinton's secretion quite relevant, even today.
if so, then surely she has left quite a number of marks already...
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 15:02 GMT Jon
Oh Paris, why bother..
In 100,000 years time, and there'll still be no cure for being you.. And who'd be crazy enough to thaw you out anyhow? They're just doing this to get their mits on daddie's money.. Spend it on making more porn movies instead.. That way you can make your mark on the world by fillng up the landfill sites!
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 15:27 GMT Daniel Winstone
The only thing harsher
Than debugging a poorly documented language with no prior experience is the El Reg readers on the subject of one Miss P. Hilton.
Really you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
I bet she's more particular than the media makes her out to be.
She could offer the World so much more in the future than she can now, let's hope she's the last human being to be woken up otherwise they'll never do the procedure again. As an example of Humanity in the 21st Century, she accurately portrays societies lust in gossip, fame and vacuous beauty.
Perhaps if she does do something wonderful for the rest of her natural life (I mean this one) she'll be forgiven for past errors of judgement....
Nah - El Reg readers are too cruel to ever let that happen.
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 15:27 GMT Anonymous Coward
@ Sceptical Bastard
Don't fall for the disinformation...
The movie WAS made in 1960, but the cost of the time machine (you didn't think it was a prop did you?) almost forced George Pal into bankrupcy. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so late one night he sneaked on to the set, travelled back to 1890 and published a book of the same name under the pseudonym H.G. Wells.
Not only was he able to rely on his royalties to fund the movie, but he cut an excellent deal on adapting his screenplay for 'War of the Worlds' into novel form (although purists complain the book lost something by being recast in Victorian England).
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Tuesday 23rd October 2007 21:15 GMT Acme Fixer
Wow, so many negative comments...
I'm surprised that there are so many negative comments about the celebutante. Like, is that because the damned papparazzi keep on selling those stupid pictures to the newsmedia for big $$$ and the newsmedia have to recoup their expenses by endlessly subjecting their viewers to hour upon hour of her antics?
Or is it just that so many of those commenters are jealous and wish they had her money and fame (or infamy)???
Probably a lot of both. Like going to the zoo to watch the chimps fling poo at the visitors. But then I'm no expert because I change the channel whenever the crap comes on the TV, and I don't watch or read those yellow journalism progs or articles. I have better things to do.
Then WTF am I writing this inane comment? Oh, well...
BTW, which of those icons is the "point to ponder" one?? I'll try this one...
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Wednesday 24th October 2007 00:44 GMT Geoff Mackenzie
Re: All those suggesting to freeze her now ...
It'll have to be shortly if she wants to take her dogs with her. That must already be her plan; it's unthinkable that a woman of her evident intelligence hasn't noticed the life span disparity.
The great thing about cryogenics is that it's the unfrozen people of the future who get to decide who gets thawed out.
Oh, no, wait, the best thing about cryogenics is that this live forever version doesn't work. That's definitely the best thing. Thousands of years? How long do these people seriously think us short-lived, flash in the pan, insignificant warmies will keep a horde of dead fuckwits chilled?
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Wednesday 24th October 2007 04:10 GMT lglethal
She's obviously planning to die young
I mean if she wants to take her dogs too, she's got to go soon! Fingers crossed!
Because lets face facts, if she gets frozen as an old, wrinkly woman whos going to unfreeze that! yuk!
I also think we need to call in the Animal Welfare folk - by her thinking when she dies, her dogs will be frozen with her - isnt that murder of the dogs? I mean they'll still be alive - surely you cant freeze them when there still alive? "I call animal cruelty on you!"
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Wednesday 24th October 2007 07:19 GMT Danny Thompson
It is people like her that .....
.... put me off the idea of getting myself put into cryogenic statis. The mere thought of being brought back to life and these idiots being there makes me turning into worm-food a much better proposition.
I just hope that when the technology to bring these people back is perfected that the human race has turned into carnivores.
Hilton on a stick? Anyone?
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Biting the hand that feeds IT
