back to article Paris Hilton heads for the cryogenic freezer

There is some excellent news today for future generations who had until now been condemned to a bleak and meaningless existence without the entertaining presence of multi-talented former jailbird Paris Hilton, viz: the heiress intends to extend her life "by hundreds and thousands of years" in a cryogenic chamber. Hilton has …


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  1. Ian S
    Paris Hilton

    Why wait?

    Can they just put her in there now?

  2. Shaun Vizer
    Paris Hilton


    an article that provides us ,the public, a real glimpse of the deep and soul-filled woman that many have written off as a "Blonde vacuous bimbo whose only claim to fame lies in a green and black sex vid".

    Paris you have been vindicated!

    /Sarcasm off

  3. David Harper

    Leaving her mark on the world

    "I want to leave a mark on the world."

    Might I suggest jumping out of a place at 10,000 feet. Without a parachute. That'll leave a mark.

  4. Andy G
    Paris Hilton

    No matter what . . .

    .. i bet her mucky endevours video will still be around long after she's thawed and decayed.

    as Homer would say.. Hmmmmm Prehistoric Porn


    /coat :o)

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    But where's the...? Hmm. We need a new angle...

    I was torn between choice of icons... this one magically contains Paris Hilton, and IT.

  6. Peter Hawkins


    What if the dogs defrost first and are a bit hungry.....

  7. Luke Wells
    Paris Hilton

    Where is the Paris Hilton angle?

    DOH, there it is!

    We almost thought the Reg had stoped posting Paris Hilton stories :(

    Long live Paris Hilton!

  8. Tom Haczewski
    Paris Hilton


    "I love having everything documented. It shows people what everyday life is like for me, how hard I work."

    Aye, we've seen your documentaries, love - they certainly do show how hard you work.

    I'm with Ian S, stick her in the freezer now.

  9. James Le Cuirot
    Paris Hilton


    If she's lucky, the world will turn out like it does in Idiocracy and she'll be crowned President when she thaws out for being the brainiest person in the world.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    She really hasn't thought this through.

    "Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. And if you're immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved."

    Well done love, you've said it right there that you'll already be dead when they chuck you in the freezer. How do you plan to extend your life by thousands of years when that life will already have ended?

    If all it took to cure death was cold temperatures, Siberia would be zombie central.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Welcome to the future, Paris...

    ... your suite is just down here in the evolutionary history exhibit, homo-sapien section.

    Lets face it, as a human zoo exhibit, she is already well experienced. Though I can imagine the evolutionists getting a right ribbing over the idea that post-humanity evolved from THAT!

  12. Santa

    So in a million years when dogs rule the world...

    they will unearth Paris Hilton and say "See, back in prehistoric times, when important dogs died, they used to bury human slaves with them! Why are they frozen? That's the neat thing - it was to keep the meat fresh for the dog masters in the afterlife!"

  13. Anonymous Coward


    I'm now imagining some kind of sci-fi horror scenario in which future men unwittingly uncover the frozen Hilton heiress, only to be picked-off one-by-one/driven insane by the prehistoric monster...

  14. Smallbrainfield
    Paris Hilton

    Hopefully, enlightened future society,

    with it's silver togas and food pills and flying cars will embrace the simple joy of thawed-out Paris, as we have in this epoch.

    What war-ravaged, post-apocalyptic future society of mute humans and intelligent ape overlords will make of her is another matter. I'm sure Paris won't notice the difference.

  15. Bill Fresher


    "It's so cool. Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. [...]"

    But when scientists reanimate her and get her back to her old self, will they know that her brain cells are supposed to be dead?

  16. Tawakalna
    Paris Hilton

    sperm bank?

    so there's where my spunk goes to be frozen!

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    "I felt empty inside."

    Now we know why she did the porn...

    (Executing RegClub Rule 8).

  18. Simon Harris

    Given the available evidence...

    ... I thought she'd had her brain removed and put into cryogenic storage ages ago!

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    She leaves me cold

    Surely that's where she sleeps at night? That bint leaves me cold anyhow.

  20. Ron Eve


    So does that mean she'll have a soul full of hope instead of a hole full....


  21. Christoph Hechl

    This brings it all together

    Two mayor El Reg storylines:

    - PH

    - ROTM (btw there is still no ROTM icon...)

    In a (hopefully very distant) future, the heiress will be thawed, revived and shown to newly built machines with the words: "See kids. That is why our ancestors had no choice but to assume control and wipe out the rest of them."

    Another thought: When she is frozen inside a machine, that then controls her body, will said body be relieved, not to have to do the thinking anymore?

  22. Risky


    It seems some of the stories have annoyed the Cryonics institute:

    While you're there be sure to check out

    "On The Determination Of Cracking Limits In Cryopreserved Cat Brains"

  23. A. Lewis
    Paris Hilton


    "I love having everything documented. It shows people what everyday life is like for me"

    I think she's labouring under the misapprehension that people care...

    I wonder if when she wakes up in the year 3000, the 'career chip' she has implanted (by a purple-haired cyclops, naturally) will be for 'porn-star bimbo'?


  24. Secret Santa

    Surely she's already been re-animanted?

    It's the only thing that explains why she's changing her name to Paris HiltonStein

    I wonder if when it happens we'll get to see her box (again)!

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    Perhaps Stallone should be frozen as well, in case the future people can't cope with a thawed out Paris...

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Animal Cruelty?

    Not the freezing part, but if it works the poor dogs may have to put up with her for several lifetimes!

  27. Mark
    Paris Hilton

    There's a problem

    Paris Hilton is brain dead already.

  28. g e
    Black Helicopters

    Would it be poetic justice if...

    She was indeed brought back to life in a thousand years (assuming various crazy nations round the world haven't bombed everyone - not looking at anyone in particular...) and she was 100% conscious but utterly paralysed. And in enormous pain. And completely unable to communicate it...

    Or is that just too harsh to be poetic... ?

  29. Rob

    "There are a lot of misconceptions about me"

    Not sure what she means by that, only conceptions I have of her are a blonde with nice tits that's easy to get in bed and you can film it as well.

    What more do you want from her?

    /sick, gutter mind

    Do you think once she's frozen they could maybe turn her into an attraction/ride (bearing in mind what I said previously and as long as they freeze her yesterday). Would be no different to the warm version as you don't expect a meanful conversation anyway.

    /end sick, gutter mind

  30. Phill Holland


    I guess she'll be fairly old when they chuck her in there. Rich annoying people do have a habit of living longer than you'd like.

    Which setting do you think they'd use on the microwave when it comes time to defrost her?

    Maybe they wouldn't use a microwave at all, I guess you'd just build a big fire and create a spitroast type setup. I'm sure she'd love that.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Warning from the future

    Anyone who has seen the 1960 version of the 'The Time Machine' knows that mankind's future is split between brain-dead blonde imbiciic Eloi and thuggish troll-like Morlocks.

    So now we know where the former group originates, the only question remaining is 'has anyone seen Johnny Vegas with a Cryonics brochure?'

  32. Sceptical Bastard

    Time Machine (@ Mike Richards)

    The 1960 version? That'd be as opposed to the 1890s version by HG Wells in which, coincidentally, the time traveller discovers a tribe of fair-skinned blonde vacuous people (called Eloi) do no work at all (that's the Paris angle, of course). Remarkably, there is a further coincidence: the blonde airheads are farmed for food by the cannibalistic Morlocks (no sniggering about 'eating Paris').

    Do you think this novel and that film could be related? I think we should be told. ;)

    Sorry, back to the El Reg story. Oxygen is scarce enough nowadays without moronic fuck-dollies like Paris Hilton wasting it. In centuries to come, both oxgen and lebensraum will probably be in even shorter supply. So is it really likely that our distant descendants are going to re-animate cryo-corpses who, once alive, can offer nothing to society except, perhaps, anal sex?

    Mind you, if meat is in short supply, they might defrost her and ... we're back to 'eating Paris'.

  33. Anonymous Coward


    What a great way to bring all those eradicated STDs to the future! This is such a bad idea... wait, no, at the rate we're going now, we're gonna deserve it then!

    I'll quote A. Lewis here,


  34. b shubin


    do bodily fluids count as a "mark upon the world"?

    in the US, many people (well, "persons", in the legal sense - i don't really consider that crowd evolved or sophisticated) certainly consider Mr. Clinton's secretion quite relevant, even today.

    if so, then surely she has left quite a number of marks already...

  35. Jon
    Paris Hilton

    Oh Paris, why bother..

    In 100,000 years time, and there'll still be no cure for being you.. And who'd be crazy enough to thaw you out anyhow? They're just doing this to get their mits on daddie's money.. Spend it on making more porn movies instead.. That way you can make your mark on the world by fillng up the landfill sites!

  36. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    IT Angle?

    IT Angle?

  37. Daniel Winstone
    Paris Hilton

    The only thing harsher

    Than debugging a poorly documented language with no prior experience is the El Reg readers on the subject of one Miss P. Hilton.

    Really you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

    I bet she's more particular than the media makes her out to be.

    She could offer the World so much more in the future than she can now, let's hope she's the last human being to be woken up otherwise they'll never do the procedure again. As an example of Humanity in the 21st Century, she accurately portrays societies lust in gossip, fame and vacuous beauty.

    Perhaps if she does do something wonderful for the rest of her natural life (I mean this one) she'll be forgiven for past errors of judgement....

    Nah - El Reg readers are too cruel to ever let that happen.

  38. Anonymous Coward

    @ Sceptical Bastard

    Don't fall for the disinformation...

    The movie WAS made in 1960, but the cost of the time machine (you didn't think it was a prop did you?) almost forced George Pal into bankrupcy. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so late one night he sneaked on to the set, travelled back to 1890 and published a book of the same name under the pseudonym H.G. Wells.

    Not only was he able to rely on his royalties to fund the movie, but he cut an excellent deal on adapting his screenplay for 'War of the Worlds' into novel form (although purists complain the book lost something by being recast in Victorian England).

  39. Anonymous Coward

    @ Phill Holland

    Spoiler Alert...

    Shurely the spitroast scene is in the second movie

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well if you want to see class....

    The Paris tape is not that interestng really (she never looks that into it IMHO)

    If you can track down the Severina Vučković tape now THERE'S a girl who's into it.....WOO HOO.....

  41. Sceptical Bastard

    @ Mike Richards

    Touchè, sir! I've obviously been misled.

    That'll teach me to try and score cheap points. Mine's a Guinness - what're you having?

  42. dodge

    She has left a mark on the world

    OK, so it's more of a _skidmark_ on the world...

  43. Anonymous Coward


    "There are a lot of misconceptions about me."

    Starting with her parents, who misconceived her about nine months before she was even born...

  44. Anonymous Coward

    I've got about...

    250 litres of liquid nitrogen at work if the vacuous bint wants a trial run at turning into an ice pop.

  45. Walter Brown

    Seems shes at it again....

    It looks like Ms. Paris (aka Bangkok) Hilton is up to her old tricks again... Stroking a subject just to gain a little fame and publicity...

    /apply Rule 8

    have coat... need taxi... TAXI!!!

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh please...

    ...great Flying Spaghetti Monster, kill her know. Let her be frozen for a thousand years, and then thawed. Maybe by then a cure will have been found.

    And I'm still waiting for the FSM logo dagnabbit!

  47. Acme Fixer

    Wow, so many negative comments...

    I'm surprised that there are so many negative comments about the celebutante. Like, is that because the damned papparazzi keep on selling those stupid pictures to the newsmedia for big $$$ and the newsmedia have to recoup their expenses by endlessly subjecting their viewers to hour upon hour of her antics?

    Or is it just that so many of those commenters are jealous and wish they had her money and fame (or infamy)???

    Probably a lot of both. Like going to the zoo to watch the chimps fling poo at the visitors. But then I'm no expert because I change the channel whenever the crap comes on the TV, and I don't watch or read those yellow journalism progs or articles. I have better things to do.

    Then WTF am I writing this inane comment? Oh, well...

    BTW, which of those icons is the "point to ponder" one?? I'll try this one...

  48. Geoff Mackenzie

    Re: All those suggesting to freeze her now ...

    It'll have to be shortly if she wants to take her dogs with her. That must already be her plan; it's unthinkable that a woman of her evident intelligence hasn't noticed the life span disparity.

    The great thing about cryogenics is that it's the unfrozen people of the future who get to decide who gets thawed out.

    Oh, no, wait, the best thing about cryogenics is that this live forever version doesn't work. That's definitely the best thing. Thousands of years? How long do these people seriously think us short-lived, flash in the pan, insignificant warmies will keep a horde of dead fuckwits chilled?

  49. Nick
    Paris Hilton


    ... Perhaps they'll send in a fat bastard to steal Paris's Mojo to be consumed by Dr Evil.

    Wait a minute, isn't Britney bald? And slightly crazy. And no longer in contact with her son. And looking at her, I bet she has a secret underground lair.... Arrggghhh, Britters is Dr Evil.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    IT angle

    The IT angle was recently measured to be 87.4 degrees. Not quite right.

  51. lglethal Silver badge

    She's obviously planning to die young

    I mean if she wants to take her dogs too, she's got to go soon! Fingers crossed!

    Because lets face facts, if she gets frozen as an old, wrinkly woman whos going to unfreeze that! yuk!

    I also think we need to call in the Animal Welfare folk - by her thinking when she dies, her dogs will be frozen with her - isnt that murder of the dogs? I mean they'll still be alive - surely you cant freeze them when there still alive? "I call animal cruelty on you!"

  52. Danny Thompson
    Paris Hilton

    It is people like her that .....

    .... put me off the idea of getting myself put into cryogenic statis. The mere thought of being brought back to life and these idiots being there makes me turning into worm-food a much better proposition.

    I just hope that when the technology to bring these people back is perfected that the human race has turned into carnivores.

    Hilton on a stick? Anyone?

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Geoff Mackenzie

    Or perhaps you should ask the question: "How long before us short-lived, flash in the pan, insignificant warmies send them all to another planet on Ark B..."

  54. Robin Traylor
    Thumb Up

    She'd get it

    Well I'd still happily slip her a length. Blonde bimbo she may be, but she's pretty fit with it.

  55. Ian Hunter


    I'm not sure about her making a mark on the world, but I did leave some marks on my keyboard while watching her videos.

  56. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Does PARIS EVEN KNOW that Rwanda is not adjacent to Pasadena?

  57. Danny Thompson

    Of course ....

    I meant Canibals .... not Carnivores!

  58. Anonymous Coward

    Re: She really hasn't thought this through.

    Well duh. She'll be able to extend her years with cybernetic organs (including brains) and all sorts of super-awesome stuff that will be developed in the next few hundred years.

  59. Finn

    Oh, the humanity!

    Is this really what we want to leave to our children: Tons of radiactive waste and Paris Hilton?

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