back to article Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill

There's still time to vote in our reader poll to decide just who is the hardest kick-ass mutha on the planet, but it looks like bearded death machine Chuck Norris will finally secure the title unless the Shaolin Temple kung fu monks can rally for a last stand. Chuck is currently standing on 25 per cent of the vote, and in case …


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  1. Webster Phreaky

    The man wear a TERRIBLE RUG!!

    How in the hell can you take anyone that wear such a terrible "rug" (toupee) seriously!!?? He may "kill" me, with laughter.

  2. Morely Dotes

    Oh, bad idea!

    Making your feelings known that you disagree with Chuck Norris leads to pain. Pain leads to anger. And anger at Chuck leads to humiliation, which leads to pain...

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Chuck . . . Who??!!

    Oh, THAT ONE . . . The one who got his ass kicked by Bruce Lee . . . . BIG TIME!!

    When was that then?

    Fury of the Dragon (Europe: English title)

    Return of the Dragon (USA)

    Revenge of the Dragon (USA) (cable TV title)

    The Way of the Dragon (Hong Kong: English title)

    Choose your own title . . . they're the same film.

    It's a pity Bruce isn't with us today because the debate over who would/could kick who's ass wouldn't arise, even our Shaolin & Ninja friends wouldn't bother to turn up if they knew Bruce was in the other corner of the ring!!

    But, if we're gonna get silly, then why isn't Mr Miyagi listed as a contender??!!

    Let's face it, the ones El Reg have listed just don't cut any ice (Karate Kid did though) in dishing out Whoopass Time!!

  4. John Parks

    If Jack Bauer....

    If Jack Bauer were gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Would you like to milk this topic anymore?

    2 posts milking a previous comment thread, with another to come with the results of this poll. Will there be another Reader Comments post from the comments of the results of the poll which milked the previous 2 other posts. We could just go around and around couldn't we... slow news days?

  6. Sceptical Bastard

    Stupid question but...

    ... excuse my (English) ignorance, but who the fuck *is* Chuck Norris?

  7. Josh

    Re: Stupid question

    Well you see, there's this site called Wikipedia...

    Oh wait, Chuck Norris will tell you everything you need to know. ;)

  8. Dan Caugherty

    Re: Stupid question but...

    It was nice knowing you.

  9. Chris

    Cobra Kai

    Chuck Norris poisoned Bruce Lee and got away with it.

    That's why he's Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee is dead.

    He even took out Bruce's son when he claimed to have more power than the roundhouse.

    Chuck Norris wouldn't even bother with Mr. Miyagi. He'd get his friend Charles Bronson to murder Mr. Miyagi and the little forever fifteen Ralph Macchio. (he was like 25 when he filmed the Karate Kid)

    Please enter this into Wikipedia as absolute fact as it was told to me by the Prophet Chuck (Don't fuck with the Chuck) on this Monday the seventeenth day of September in the year two thousand seven C.N.

  10. Jon Tocker

    Re: Who is Chuck Norris?

    A stupid cretin who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag - so he roundhouse-kicks his way out instead. If he had taken up macrame rather than martial arts, the silly dork would have remained in total obscurity where he belongs.

    Go and watch a Chuck Norris movie - any one - or even one episode of the retarded "Walker. Texas Ranger" series and that's all you ever need to know - you will have then effectively seen everything he's ever made and every facial expression he is capable of.

    The critique/plot synopsis I read for one of his many dreary movies was:

    "Chuck Norris does head kicks. Again."

    'nuff said, really.

    His main notable claim to fame is that he makes Charles Bronson and Keanu Reeves look capable of portraying emotion.

    As the content of the so-called internet humour in the article, I've heard funnier jokes from four-year-olds.

  11. chuckufarley Silver badge

    A man selling Buicks....


    It's a real shame that Chuckie gets such attention, even in jest.

  12. na101010

    I have to admit though, I thought these were worth a chuckle (don't kill me!)

    "When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."

    "There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma."

    I think Conan O'Brien is the only person (still living) that openly mocks Chuck in the mass media.

  13. Quinnum


    "think Conan O'Brien is the only person (still living) that openly mocks Chuck in the mass media."

    Well, even Chuck may have second thoughts about attacking a guy named Conan.

  14. Perry

    @ Jon

    "His main notable claim to fame is that he makes Charles Bronson and Keanu Reeves look capable of portraying emotion."

    Ok that made me laugh.. It is a shame you won't be around to read this...

  15. This post has been deleted by its author

  16. sue

    @Re: Stupid question

    "Well you see, there's this site called Wikipedia..."

    Cheers for making me nearly spatter my coffee over the screen.....

    Honestly....the humour never stops here at El Reg!

  17. Chris Matchett

    You got the MC Hammer one wrong

    It should read:

    MC Hammer found out the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this

  18. Josh

    Re: @Re: Stupid question

    You're welcome. I do try. :)

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Watch out liberals and atheists - Chuck Norris is coming to get ya!

  20. Sceptical Bastard


    For a moment, you guys had me scared!

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Chuck Norris has lost the plot

    Chuck Norris has gone mad and now pens religious drivel in some local rag.

    This is not a spoof.

    There goes another childhood hero.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    who is chuck norris!!! hahahahaha

    I love the whole Chuck Norris gag its reminds me of the old MR T vs % comic strips; wanton internet fun

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Unexistence formerly known as Yousef Syed

    Chuck can't be The Stig since The Stig is real. He will cease your miserable life, vaporise your existence for this outrageous impudence.

    Do not ever mock The Stig! (Just as a warning for fellow morons).


  24. vale

    @ Jon

    Hey man Keanu Reeves portrayed emotion in Bill and Ted give him some credit.....well maybe just a little bit!

  25. Jon Tocker

    @ Perry

    I was around to read your post - Chuck Norris has failed to dispatch me to the hereafter.

    Chuck Norris: Two speeds...

    but only one facial expression.

    My other fave short film critique was: "Charles Bronson displays all the emotions from A to B."

    Still, that's one more letter than Chuck's ever achieved.

  26. Roger Paul

    Chuck Norris...

    ...can divide by zero.

  27. alan

    Mr Norris they know not what they do

    OMG I have to get out of here. I f Mr Norris see's these posts, were all in big trouble.

  28. Dan

    @Chuck Norris Has Lost The Plot

    Oh sh*t, Chuck Norris in Creationist nonsense!

    Check out the link posted by Five Hats, he apparently really is a columnist spouting god-squad stuff including the dreaded creationist crap...

    "Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

    By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you."

    So, now we know he's into the oxymoronic 'Intelligent Design', can we declare the poll results null and void and start again?!

    Go Shaolin monks!

  29. Scooby


    ...Does not wear sun block, the sun wears norris block!

  30. Jason

    Congrats el reg...

    Rank 2 on Google for "chuck norris" on a UK search. Sneaky indeed!

  31. Dam

    More chuck norris facts

    "Thou shalt not spam" ? Yeah right moderator, _you_ tell Chuck that, I'll watch.

  32. Brendan Weir

    Wasn't this David Hasselhoff?

    I've got an email from January 2006 making many similar claims about The Hoff! And also, "The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back."

    So there's your IT angle.

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Congrats el reg...

    I think that should read Rank #1 now ;-)

  34. MYOFB

    Re: Cobra Kai

    Chuck Norris . . . 'Poisened Bruce Lee & would get best mate Charles Bronson to do away with Mr Miyagi and Karate Kid' ??!!

    If all that is true, then it just goes to show just how tough Chuck really is!

    IMO, he's just a big, badly bearded, WUSS!!

    To set the record straight though, Bruce Lee died of 'acute cerebral edema' (Brain Haemorrhage to you and me).

    This was caused by a member of the 1970's pappazzi asking Bruce . . .

    'Is Chuck Norris as tough as HE says he is??'

    Bruce laughed so hard at the question it killed him but not before saying, with his final breath . . . 'Tell Chuck, that's THE funniest joke I ever heard!'

    BTW . . . Chucky was a Pallbearer at Big Bruces' funeral . . . My guess is Chucky was in some way trying to bury his humilliation of having his ass kicked by the 'little' guy!!

    RIP Bruce, You still are THE ONE!!

    PS . . . Chuck still hasn't figured out that 'Jeet Kune Do' means . . .

    'No Roundhouse Kick'

    Nuff said.

  35. Maurice

    The way Chuck Norris catch bad guys

    Chuck Norris does not need to ride a horse to catch bad guys; instead, he rides a T-Rex to savage them.

  36. Lukin Brewer

    No hand gesture required.

    > Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    In a friendly fire incident detailed in "Hitler - My Part in his Downfall", Spike Milligan downed an Allied fighter in the Mediterranean just by shouting "Noisy bastard, I hope you crash!"

  37. Chuck Norris


    who wants an ass whooping?

    I'll get my Texas Ranging Hat! (Someone had to do it!)

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Blending Chuck

    Looks like those crazy guys at BlendTec heard about this poll......

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