This ain't ovah
Charles Bronson would smash them into pulp, if he was still alive. In fact, the others would smash themselves into pulp, just to save themselves from being smashed into pulp by Charles Bronson.
Kung fu monks battle Colombian karate assassins
Our recent piece on the verbal spat between China's kung fu monks and an anonymous gobby net ninja provoked a certain amount of reader speculation as to who might in fact be the meanest kick-ass mutha on the planet. Well, we have a certain amount of clout ourselves down at Vulture Central, and a quick phone call to Don King …
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Friday 14th September 2007 10:19 GMT Chris Taylor
6% for James Bond ?
Not good enough. JB has in fact already defeated a Temple full of Shoalin Monks, not to mention Jaws, Odd Job, TMWTGG, Grace Jones, Robert Carlyle (Begby) and he has probably killed more people than seismic activity.
He has destroyed virtually every vehicle ever invented by the wit of man, why only two nights ago I watched him shoot down a helicopter with hiw walther ppk.
Frankly he make the rest of the list look embarrasingly mean in there achievements. Have any of the rest ACTUALLY saved the world ...no ... on more than twenty occasions, no I think not.
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Friday 14th September 2007 11:00 GMT Anonymous Coward
Chuck Norris FTW!
Forget Wikipedia, if Chuck Norris wants you know something, he will tell you.
Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. But he has never cried. Ever.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "Thats no glitch."
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks arent the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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Friday 14th September 2007 11:00 GMT Chizo Ejindu
Err Hello?!?
Methinks you are forgetting the one actor/indestructible hardman who can slaughter an entire hospital full of gun-totting bad guys while carrying a baby inside of a half hour before jumping out of a 6th floor window and walking away!
There is only one Chow Yun-Fat. Accept no substitutes!
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Friday 14th September 2007 11:00 GMT Anonymous Coward
No dice
"Have any of the rest ACTUALLY saved the world ...no ... on more than twenty occasions, no I think not."
Perhaps not on more than twenty occasions, but Bruce Willis did save the world in "Armageddon". He saved all of life on Earth, whereas Bond has merely saved the majority of human life (in "Moonraker" and "The Spy Who Loved Me"). And Bruce sacrified his own life to do so, which was very sad, and I cried for days.
I think Bruce also saved the world in "The Fifth Element", possibly even the entire universe, but I find it hard to remember the plot of that film beyond the fact that it involved Milla Jovovich wearing elastic bands.
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Friday 14th September 2007 12:04 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: Chuck Norris FTW!
Almost certainly lifted from somewhere else, but the post still reduced me to sniggering more loudly than you can get away with in an open-plan office. And it was that kind of uncontrollable giggling which starts other people off for no reason.
Thank you for the best laugh I've had in ages!
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Friday 14th September 2007 12:11 GMT Jason
@ You've missed something
"My {insert-martial arts style] master can kick your {insert-martial arts style] master's ass option...
Every martial arts afficionado that I've ever met is convinced of their Master's | Sifu's | Sensei's invincibility..."
Thats because, ultimately, Chuck Norris created all the myriad martial arts forms. The only thing that can defeat a Chuck Norris is another Chuck Norris.
However, Chuck Norris cannot be beaten, even by himself.
This is known as the Two Chuck Paradox and why Chuck Norris must never be allowed to fight himself. To allow it is to bring about the end of all existance.
And James "I'm repressed hence my womanising ways" Bond won't be able to do a single thing about it!
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Friday 14th September 2007 13:26 GMT Brian
@ @ You've missed something
Chuck on Chuck eh? I don't think that would be so much of a paradox as it would be one of those Zen Kone things
"If Chuck dies and there is no one there to see it, does it really happen?"
or
"What happens if an unstoppable Chuck meets and imovable Chuck?"
I can already feel enlightenment pour into my soul.
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Friday 14th September 2007 13:55 GMT Jason
@@@You've misses something
"If Chuck dies and there is no one there to see it, does it really happen?"
or
"What happens if an unstoppable Chuck meets and imovable Chuck?"
1st - Only if Chuck wills it so.
2nd - This happened in the previous Universe prior to the big bang which created this one. The result was the merging of the two to be the unstoppable and imovable Chuck we now how. He's so hard he survived the cataclysmic end of the previous Universe and the start of this one.
Chuck has already won without fighting in this battle of mortals!
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Friday 14th September 2007 19:15 GMT NoCo37
First name Mister, middle name peroid, last name T.
Why isn't Mr. T on the list?
Chuck Norris may have tears that cure cancer, but Mr. T beat cancer. That must mean that he made ol' Chuckie cry like the little ***** that he is.
Mr. T is also the man that "put the 'T' in 'IT'"
http://youtube.com/profile_videos?user=Verko426&p=r
Part 1 - Mr. T: The "T" in I.T.
Part 2 - Mr. T: "T The Trucker"
Part 3 - T3: MR. T - BATTLE FOR THE SMB
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Sunday 16th September 2007 23:47 GMT Graham Lockley
Dimac ??
"now if only he knew DImac too he would be invincible (if you get that one, congratulations your as sad as me!)"
Goddamit Im a 10th Dan Master and Im not as sad as you.
If anyone wants to disagree they will find me down at the Flying Swan in Gods country, ready to take all the posers in the poll on.
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Monday 17th September 2007 10:20 GMT Matt Boak
conan
clearly arnie is the hardest of them all. whether slaying as a cyborg in the terminator movies, massacring hundreds in the second half of commando, or battling darkside aliens in predator, he slays all comers with a grin on his face and a cheeky quip to send them on their way to the almighty.
my favourite quote has to be from Conan, describing what's best in his life:
"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."
Quality.
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Monday 17th September 2007 17:26 GMT Nexox Enigma
Replies!
The Bruce Schneier stuff @ DC15 was hilarious. I must have read those facts like 18 times. Especially this one:
"Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it." ( http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2006/08/bruce_schneier.html )
Nobody thinks that Vin Diesel should be on here?
Seriously, though, adding Chuck in the competition is more or less unfair to the rest of them, who I wanted to vote for until I read that Chuck was an option.
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Monday 17th September 2007 17:26 GMT TheRuffness
Bauer likes boys
I keep hearing a lot about Jack Bauer (whoever he is) but haven't you all forgotten about Captain Scarlet? He is industructable after all
Also, Batfink had wings of steel and his brilliantly named sidekick Karate. There's no way that Jack Bauer could cope with two of them.
And He-Man. Although he was a bit of a tit, dressing like some over-sexed wrestling star.
Actually, even CareBears would kick that Yanks arse
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Monday 17th September 2007 19:44 GMT Robert Hill
At a distance or close up?
At a distance, take Jason Bourne any day...no one beats a CIA-trained $30MM sniper, although he vs. Bond would be very close. I'll give the edge to Jason because "Ultimatum" was such a damned good movie.
Up close...close call between Chuck and Leon "The Professional". Depends upon the ground, and if Leon can get a 9mm out in time...
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Tuesday 18th September 2007 00:57 GMT Tim Hoekstra
There can be only one!
I'm sorry, but Bruce Campbell is missing from the list!
The real reason why lemmings jump off a cliff is because it's a better way to die than at the hands of Bruce Campbell.
Bruce Campbell is so hot, smoke follows him when he enters a room.
Bruce Campbell is the only person that can kill you twice; once with his chainsaw hand, and then again with his chin.
The sun sets because Bruce tells it to, except in Alaska because Bruce doesn't like eskimos.
Bruce Campbell summoned the evil dead because he ran out of dinosaurs.
More here:
http://www.brucefacts.com
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Tuesday 18th September 2007 09:11 GMT Greg
It's quite obviously...
...Bruce Willis. And I'm gobsmacked that more people haven't voted for him.
"Oh, look honey. I've been shot, slashed, beaten, crawled, my chest is a river of my own blood, and there's glass in my feet. Excuse me while I go beat the crap out of someone for ruining my day."
All the others would have given up and died. Especially that pansy Bond. The minute he realised his hair was out of place he'd have died of shock.
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Biting the hand that feeds IT
