back to article Kung fu monks battle gobby net ninja

Monks at China's Shaolin Temple are vociferously demanding an apology from an anonymous Japanese internet user who suggested that a single ninja had once whupped the asses of the kung fu masters at the martial art's spiritual home. Specifically, "Five Minutes Every Day" last week posted a comment in an online forum claiming …


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  1. David

    Holy Crap...

    Japans top ninja's vs Chinas Shaolin Monks WWF style melee'. It would be like reality mortal combat. Id would pay good money to see that. Someone set it up.

  2. Torbjørn

    Get in line

    This would ofcourse be the ultimate UFC fight, and yes, I would pay to see it:D

    No need to watch any more action stuff, since this one fight to rule them all would encompass everything .... hopefully:D

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    More importantly...

    What has Chuck Norris got to say about all this?

  4. M


    Erm..... I thought they were meant to spend their time practicing, meditating, eating rice and making badly dubbed movies... as well as other monkish stuff... not trolling internet forums looking for ninja wannabies to start fights with >80)

  5. Thomas Schulze

    As long...

    ... as they don't mess with Uwe Boll!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I'd die happy if I saw that!

    After having trained with Shaolin Monks, I *know* they they are properly hard!

    Sagacious H

  7. Jason "Foxdie" Gaunt

    Fighting for ones honour...

    I'm not normally one for violence, nor for pay-per-view TV events (who the hell needs it these days when you have youtube and various other methods of getting things without paying? *winks*) but for an event like this I would quite happily shell out anything up to 50 quid to watch!

    So many television programs try to depict people defending their honour or families honour but because naturally its on television you always take it with a pinch of salt even if it says its reality TV, but I feel a televised event like this hits the nail on the head for both entertainment and standing up for ones beliefs.

    Although we try to move past it, violence and anger is in our nature, I say give people a legal way to settle their differences that can't be settled with words with nothing but their own person in a controlled environment. No guns, no weapons period, just what you were born with, THAT is honourable fighting, not being a coward by stabbing or shooting someone.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    RE: More importantly...

    Well, he's just (way) above all this, right?

  9. Paul

    Re: More importantly...

    Chuck Norris dosen't need to say anything. Chuck Norris never dose. He only kills. :-)

  10. Niall

    Yeah well...

    ...pirates could kick all their asses!

  11. Simon Painter


    Nothing a hardy bunch of Pirates couldn't do.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I just spoke with Chuck Norris

    He said "Don't **** with Chuck!"

    Who thought monks could go ape-****?

  13. jai

    what forum was this on?

    and why are monks surfing web forums and getting in arguments with 12 year old trolls instead of spending their time more profitably by meditating for world peace and practicing moves from Jet Li movies?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @More importantly...

    What Chuck Norris would have to say is a mute point, he'd only have to look at the winner for them to drop dead from fright.

  15. Brian Miller

    Miyamoto Musashi...

    Miyamoto Musashi is the zenith of all fighting men. He was independant of thought, self taught and incredibly intelligent.

    read a little about the history of this true warrior before chanting your chuck schmuck.

    The shaolin and ninja are so far removed in skills that they cannot really be compared. Shaolin would destroy ninjas in a face to face empty handed brawl. However ninjas simply wouldn't not use weapons. They are masters of manipulation and stealth.

    Both have huge commitment to there training and conditioning, but back in the day I would say that the ninja would kill off any they targeted, probably leaving no trace. But if it came to fisticuffs shaolin would likely mop the floor. If either decided to go after Miyamoto Musashi they would die at the end of his bokken

  16. Adam Oellermann

    Already been done

    ... and available for your viewing pleasure:

    Yes, it's Ninja vs Shaolin Guard! (also know as Guards of Shaolin in the US)

    Unfortunately this doesn't presently form part of my collection, so I can't say who won.

  17. Alex Cooksey

    Real ultimate power

    This ninja-loving troll didn't go by the name Hamburger did he?

    From the Ninja's point of view Dr Hatsumi is probably the most likely contender for head ninja....

  18. Leigh Smith

    Real Ultimate Power!

    Ahhh an internet discussion about martial arts. Where groups of imbeciles whose martial arts experience is limited to a red belt in Shotokan and having seen "Enter the Dragon" more than once argue about which quasi-fictional group has the best superpowers.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I'd wager that, despite some posts to the contrary, Hatsumi-sensei stands a chance in non-weapons combat against a Shaolin monk or two.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Musashi was neither a ninja or a monk.

    He was a Ronin...

    He once made a wooden sword out of an oar on the way to a duel and still won... Used to fight using two katana, one in each hand. He was a hefty chap...

  21. Slaine

    bets on...

    My money's on Chuck Norris. The only man ever to play table tennis against a brick wall... AND WIN.

  22. Shaun Vizer


    The whole Chinese nation should be offended? superb bring back the golden days of Japan vs. China over a spate from an internet troll! just brillant.

    Not sure if they would be able to send the invite for the fight to the top ninja though am sure he probbarbly doesn't have a post-box...

    You never know the ninja's may just pop around to the nearest Shaolin temple and give them a thumping but they better not cross the pirates...

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Single Ninja Theory

    The Single Ninja Theory (or SNT as it's known as) could well be the truth. Have a read of to fully appreciate how likely SNT is.

  24. Colin Jackson


    See, religion would do a lot better in this world if it quit with the namby-pamby Ned Flanders crap and started kicking ass like proper monks, and getting the hump with Ninjas, atheists and false prophets. Run David Shaler, run!

  25. This post has been deleted by its author

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hardest man alive?!?!

    Steven Segal?!?! I think Chuck Norris would certainly have something to say about that!

    Besides, I thought that the Shaolin developed thier sytles as a form of excercise self defense when travelling with thier teachings - hardly about to pick a fight with a stranger wandering into the temple.

    I do like your suggestion of a last man standing battle royale to settle it!

    If the Shaolin won, plenty of cash for maintaining thier temple, if the ninja won, they can buy plenty more sneaky-kit!

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    World Wildlife Foundation

    For a moment I was wondering why you wanted Shaolin and Ninja to be fighing Pandas and other wildlife, then I remembered that the US entertainment industry forgot to check for other organizations of that name when they chose it for themselves.

  28. Robert Hollis

    Monks with to much time on thier hands

    It's pretty pitiful that the monks got their robes in a wad over some Internet troll. As for who would win, I can state some things pretty clearly. In professional fighting, there are weight classes for a reason – in a fight between two skilled, in shape opponents – a guy who outweighs the other by 100lb will win every time. From the UFC, we have learned that wrestling/submission holds are critical – people who don't use them get them used against them (ironically, neither monks nor 'ninjas' wrestle). Lesson? Don't mess with big guys who can fight.

    As for the use of weapons – Musashi (a big guy by all accounts) was credited with winning over 60 duels (many non fatal, because he used a boken). Audie Murphy (a tiny guy) had over 240 confirmed enemy kills, plus 6 tanks – all before he turned 21. Lesson? Gun beats a sword – every time.

    Of course, we all know Chuck Norris once beat an entire Shaolin Temple and a flock of Ninjas, using only harsh language and his left pinky.......

  29. Clark Campbell

    Deary dear

    I can't believe this news item got anywhere. Martial arts equivalent of "my dad's tougher than yours"

    @Alex Cooksey et al wanting a celeb deathmatch. Dr Hatsumi is in his late 70s, and I'm guessing the top Shaolin monk is knocking on a bit. Sure, they'll both be in not bad form, but come on - if I want to watch a couple of geriatrics fight, I'll go down my local grannyfarm and throw £50 SAGA holiday voucher in the middle of the zimmers.

    @Brian Miller - Musashi was without doubt one of the most talented budoka ever, and Go Rin No Sho is a classic (much better than Art of War IMHO, and thankfully never quoted on SciFi progs!). More than a few scholars have thought Musashi might even have *been* a ninja ;) For the surmise that shaolin would beat ninja in 1 on 1, hmmm....bit like saying America would always win a land war given it's up front power. And you obviously have a comic book idea of ninjutsu re: weapons etc. Try re-reading Musashi, regarding using an enemy's strength against him (classic tai-jutsu).

    I can't believe I actually commented on this, but I never thought I'd see the Shaolin Temple or any serious martial artist fall for such juvenile drivel.

  30. Pat

    Steven Seagal for the coveted "Hardest Man Alive" crown???

    Steven Seagal for the coveted "Hardest Man Alive" crown??? Maybe if you could time travel back to the 80's it would have been a nice fight. These days Seagal is getting old and chunky. He would get his @$$ spanked.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Samuria rule the world

    Forget Ninja and Shaolin - Samaria did in fact take over the modern world, without most people even noticing.

    The Samurai families of Toshiba, Yamaha, Matsushita (Panasonic), to name just 3, are pretty well known, even if their heritage is not.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    you ... killed ... my ... master

    You're all forgetting the most important thing - Bruce Lee would have kicked ALL their asses. ;-)

    (btw funniest article in ages)

  33. Rob

    This sounds like a case for Dr McNinja!

  34. laird cummings


    This old chest-thumping argument again.

    *rolls eyes*

    On any given day, no matter who you are, no matter how good you are, there's *always* someone better.

    Ninja v. Monk. v. Samurai v. whomever... Someone will will, and someone will not. And no one here knows who that would be.

    Except Chuck, of course. Chuck knows all.

  35. Nìall Tracey

    Steven Seagal, hard?!?

    Stiff yes -- rigid even -- but not hard.

  36. Dave Morris

    I know who will win

    Reading through the comments as well as the article, so many groups and individuals have been posited as the hypothetical winner of some sort of ultimate showdown. Honestly, though I already know who would win; I have seen the video.

    Watch and you will be amazed:

  37. laird cummings


    "...Steven Seagal, hard?!?..."

    Well, yes... But mostly only his arteries.

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Shi Yongxin is the top man in Shaolin, as he is the abbot of the Temple.

    Hatsumi Masaaki is as close to being the top man you could get in Ninjutsu.

    I'd say it would be an interesting fight between those two. Both, as far as I know, are still very active in their art. It would be an interesting match.

    Oh, and either one of them would mow Segal down. No contest.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    the gauntlet

    beta not show yer faces in castlemilk,or there will be big trouble. eh.

  40. Andrew Tyler

    Mixed Martial Arts

    I've seen that on TV. It consists entirely of half-naked, sweaty men rolling around on the ground in vaguely erotic positions occasionally slapping at one another. It's quite a display of skill.

    What percentage of computer nerds do you think own some sort of samurai sword or nunchucks? It's some sort of a trend I think.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Final Countdown

    Why didn't the shaolin monks send out robots and pirates? They could pretty much eradicate the ninjas, assuming the pirates and robots don't turn and fight each other.

  42. Morely Dotes

    Enter The Landshark

    "You have insulted me, you have insulted my family, and you have insulted the Temple of Shaolin; and for that, you must face a feeding frenzy of lawyers with no more knowledge of kung fu than that of a dung beetle..."


  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    I think it's actually true though. Hatsumi's own sensei and pervious grandmaster Takamatsu won over 25 fights 17 to the death if memory serves me right at the temples in china in his youth, and served as a champion in one of them taking all comers on.

  44. Matthew Sinclair


    So let me get this straight... monks.... took the word of some snot nosed idiot and now they are suing him?

    Is it just me or does this whole thing seem childish and a waste of time.

  45. This post has been deleted by its author

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Way of the Soldier

    I follow the way of the 45ACP*. I'd take the lot on two at a time.

    * 0.45 inch calibre Automatic Colt Pistol.

    Old Sweat

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    If the monks would train properly in internet battle arts they would know that a much better response than hiring a lawyer would have been "Pics or i never happened!".

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Shaolin Temple

    I went to this place in China... and i was really disapointed to see that this place has become a another comercial and touristy place in China.

    So, this people are just "protecting" the brand... in a really sad way.

  49. Grey Williams

    9mm over .45

    I'll take your .45ACP and raise you a Beretta 9mm. Almost the same kinetic energy per round, bigger clip. So while you're reloading, I'm still firing away, 16 rounds to your 8. :D

  50. ratfox

    It's true

    And so began the legend of Pai Mei's five point palm exploding heart technique...

  51. Jon Tocker

    @Morely Dotes

    "Enter The Landshark" - cheers for the laugh.

  52. Peter Mellor

    Have you seen the film about the English martial arts master who emigrates to Australia?

    It's called "Enter the Whinger".

  53. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Have you seen the film about the English martial arts master who emigrates to Australia?

    Yes, and it's sister film about an Aussie coming to the UK - "Return of the Convict" :)

  54. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Issued a closed-dojo, no killing challenge back in the early nineties (when I was well into my Aiki). A judoka broke both his arms.

  55. Andrew Barratt

    Voodoo hoodoo

    Bet that ninja just was just trying out some ninja voodoo hoodoo. A few shaolin dolls and hand ful of pins... Job done.


  56. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Most oriental martial-arts arn't actually all that nasty anymore anyway - too civilised... The stuff my (ex) girlfriend teaches, is a lot nastier - she could probably take them all on for breakfast - let alone her boss/instructor. (She teaches her own version of Pencak Silat if you must know - and definitely military orientated).

  57. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hmmmm, ninja you say?

    So let me get this right, a ninja, that would be the dudes in the black pyjamas, walked openly into a monk temple and 'asked for a fight', and then bragged about it?

    I think said Jap dude is one of two things...

    1. King Troll, if this is the case, not that I like trolls on general principle, but you gota admit its a good one.

    2. The chap has watched to much Naruto, where the Ninja run around in orange boiler suits. ( ) if you must watch it.

    Would I want to watch a real martial arts fight? yes, however it is my understanding that most martial arts are lethal so you would never see them really going at it as they would disable or cripple one or other.

  58. Chris Goodchild Silver badge

    Miyamoto Musashi

    The above mentioned Miyamoto Musashi was a ronin as mentioned since he was a samurai without a master, He did fight with two swords, one a katana and the other his `companion´sword known as a wakizashi which was shorter.

    As far as ninja are concerned, only in recent times do they have any degree of respectability as originally they were assassins and spies. They achieved most things through stealth and trickery, used poisons and even women for assassinations. Not something considered honourable in Japanese society. They were however extremely good at what they did and very professional. Also innovative in their approach, something the samurai were not, as everything the samurai did was based on pretty rigid traditions.

    The Shaolin although trained in most weapons tended to fight unarmed or with the staff ( bo ) .

  59. Alan Donaly

    We need to teach the shaolin

    "DON'T FEED THE TROLLS" honestly

    can you imagine how delighted five minutes

    must be I bet he doesn't care anything about

    a lawsuit either.

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sounds like a crock...

    This story stinks. I cannot believe that any martial artist would rise to the bait of an anonymous poster. The idea that they'd resort to having a lawyer speak for them about it is beyond credence.

    The martial artists at a place like Shaolin Temple are trained in both the physical and the mental/emotional/spiritual aspects of handling conflict. I don't know whether the Buddhist precepts are taught now (the Chinese government is unsympathetic towards many spiritual pursuits), but certainly the mental training accompanies the physical. These people are just not going to get all riled up over an insult from some unknown person.

    This sort of claim must arise almost daily. There is already an intense rivalry between many different fighting systems; compounding this is the antagonism between Chinese and Japanese culture in general. Insults abound and must be published constantly. One single claim, about a supposed historic event, isn't going to ruffle anyone's feathers at Shaolin Temple.

    This is the sort of thing that would only seem noteworthy to someone who doesn't understand much about martial arts. It's kind of like getting riled up because of someone (anonymously) claiming that "my grandpa kicked your grandpa's butt".

    It's foolish to say that any fighting style is "better". It's the fighters who are "better". Remember that the traditional fighting styles weren't academic studies or theoretical notions. They weren't sports or high-impact aerobics. Your life depending on learning what works. Things that didn't work tended to get people killed, kind of like natural selection.

    Different fighting styles suit different types of people better. Someone who is naturally well-suited for Shaolin might be a poor fighter if he were to learn ninjitsu (and vice versa). So a near-sighted guy would do better with dim mak; a tall, wiry person might be better at Northern Shaolin. Someone who was hard and muscular might excel at karate. And so on.

    I don't know whether the story about the ninja has any basis in fact. I seriously doubt the validity of the story about Shaolin Temple hiring a lawyer to voice objections about the story. It's just not that important, really.

  61. Kevin Turnquist

    So does the Temple have dial-up, or broadband?

    "Grasshopper ... what is that sound?"

    "I am checking my stock performance on Yahoo, Master."

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