back to article Children to nag adults through CCTV

CCTV cameras will bark orders at people who misbehave in the streets of eight major British cities as part of a government scheme to cajole people into respecting authority. Faceless bureaucrats will tell people off when they are being "anti-social" by dropping litter, behaving drunkenly, fighting, and, presumably, smashing up …


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  1. Scott


    ... 'they' must realise that all this is going to do, is give these people something else to target... I can see this INCREASING the issue rather than making it go away...

  2. Chris Ovenden

    Three days too late

    Is this some kind of timeshifting protest againat April Fools' Day?

  3. Wizbit

    George only got the date wrong...

    "co-ordinator for respect"

    You're not joking either are you?

    I guess the plans for the Junior Anti-Sex League are well underway what with the legislation changes even on what you can draw; so when does the Ministry of Truth appear in name rather than just purpose?

  4. tim


    ....if people weren't such idiots throwing litter, letting their dogs shit everywhere, spraying tags and whacking bottles over each others heads then maybe we wouldn't need it. Unfortunately they do and are evidently in need of some sort of guidance from a speaking lampost as they are incapable of carrying out the most basic of tasks without behaving like a 3 year old.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Insults would be better

    Shouting orders would just alert the little turds that they have been rumbled.

    A far better idea would be to have the cameras shout insults at the miscreants and generally 'disrespect' them.

    The average braindead little snot-rag that this system is aimed at would be incapable of leaving the scene until he/she has had the last word and give the fuzz time to finish their dohnuts and arrive at the scene.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You're too late for April Fool's Day !!

    This is just so ripe for taking the P1SS out of on so many levels.

    As any trendy liberal civil servant can tell you "Negative stereotypical, judgemental, behavioural re-inforcement is not the current thinking."

    After failing in month 1, month 2 will see "positive" messages being given. "Thank you for not vomiting in the gutter this evening sir." "Thank you for not flashing your boobs at the cameras madam."

    At month 6, the Sun newspaper will find that one of the recorded kids will actually have an ASBO.

    Oh, and since politicians are shameless they will find the public just the same.

    Sit back and watch the show.

    Another new reality video clip TV show is born......

  7. Robert Harrison


    It's a shame the CCTV cameras + loud speakers aren't installed in government offices so that Johnny Taxpayer could heckle and shout things like "do some real work" or "get off that secretary".

    If it was April 1st I'd be laughing.

  8. Ross Fleming

    Respecting children's authority

    May I suggest that they recruit the South Park team - I reckon every message delivered should be closed with Eric Cartman shouting "You will respect my authorit-ah"

  9. Natalie gritpants

    Prerecorded messages eh?

    It won't take citizens long to realize that there is a limited number of messages that can be played. All you have to do is modify your behaviour to include something not on the list and they can't tell you off without sounding ridiculous. I'm going to start playing loud oboe music, or throwing kumquats.

    P.S. this mornings report on BBC TV showed a citizen skateboarding across a road, along with a sanctimonious voice over by the "journalist". It seemed to me the fine chap was not doing anything antisocial so I guess this is the kind of behaviour conformity we can expect to be enforced. Great, where's that angle grinder gone?

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pardon ?

    Uh, how many of the 'problem children' in some of these cities actually speak or understand English ?

    Take that a step further - how many English speakers actually understand the mumbling, mispronounced yoof?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    "You will respect ma authority...."

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sense of humour

    I hope one of the mic operators sitting at the CCTV desks has the balls & sense of humour to at least once say in a deep booming voice, "This is the voice of the Mysterons..."

  13. thingy


    Many people have likened the number of cctv cameras in England to 1984, but this to me is where the similarities really are.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Will children have time to record messages?

    Surely under the Dear Leader's vision for New Britain they should be at home vigourously denouncing their parents?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Typical conversation

    Our scene is of an urban retail paradise somewhere in Middle England. TK Maxx glimmers alluringly across the car park, Pret a Manger tempts cheery shoppers with a range of reassuringly trendy sandwiches, and the educated reader can only imagine the shimmer of light emenating from the local W.H. Smith where Terry's chocolate oranges are even now on sale.

    But our eye turns to the foreground where a feral child has dropped a crisp packet. Come gentle reader, let us listen in on the ensuing conversation:

    Camera operator: 'You there! Stop it! Stop it now!'

    ASBO Bait: 'Whatev-ah'

    CO: 'You're being very silly and anti-social. That's not the way to behave in John Reid's bright new Britain.'

    AB: 'Am I bovvered?'

    CO: 'Stop that, stop it now, Independent research has shown that this is a very annoying habit.

    AB: 'Whatev-ah'

    CO: 'This is your last warning. I'm calling the police and I'm only number 37 in the queue - my call is very important to them.'

    AB: 'Am I bovvered?'

    But alas we must leave this scene of suburban conflict, for our attention must return to London where the Home Office is announcing on-the-spot fines for those people found to be walking on the cracks in the pavement.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You must be kidding....

    I am SOOOOOOOOOO glad I don't live in Camera World - AKA the UK.

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