Croydon school rolling in toilet roll after Brexit gift deemed unfit for the Queen's Anus Horribilis A high school in the picturesque London borough of Croydon has been gratefully lumped with a lifetime supply of loo roll after Her Majesty the Queen turned down a donation from a cheeky German company. Some reckon the UK, being a large importer of toilet paper, could be in the shit in more ways than one if it crashes out of …
"How long are you willing to wait between your after-pub chip shop curry and the development of a new paper industry in the UK? I'm going with a RTO of 4 hours."
We'll be fine, the British Army have stockpiled millions of packets of "Biscuits, AB" (aka arse blockers) from the standard issue ration pack.
These are guaranteed to block your passage for at least a month (well, it'll feel like it anyway), and once you are capable of "dropping the kids off at the pool", the explosion will be so violent that it won't even touch the sides and arse paper will be totally unnecessary...
That's because we hacked down most of our forests to graze sheep or to allow sadistic *****s to blast captive bred birds to oblivion. way back in history.
Lots of "scenic" areas e.g. the almost treeless wastelands of the Lake District, Peak district etc. should have lots of tree cover (bar on a few of the boggy areas that are not conducive to good tree growth)
While I agree with your sentiment, Grouse shooting was of course not the reason for the deforestation. This was done to blast the natives of foreign lands into oblivion (for which you need ships). And then put sheep at the heart of British agriculture, which not only prevented the forest from re-growing, but allowed to get rid of the rural population as well (up here they call it the Highland Clearances, but it probably happened down south as well).
Lots of "scenic" areas e.g. the almost treeless wastelands of the Lake District, Peak district etc. should have lots of tree cover
The trees which grew in these ares were hardwoods. Paper is made out of softwood.
The trees vanished from the top of the northern Peak District (the so called Black Peak) long before any form of agriculture or pastoralism due to climate change (we used to call it the Boreal-Atlantic Transition).
A lot of the trees were cut down from a lot of slopes on the sides of the Peak District hills for agriculture, not sheep. They're not well defined but there are distinct traces of medieval ridge and furrow. They did get enclosed quite early but I suspect dairy cattle were as important as sheep.
While it's all very funny, I can confirm that my public sector employer with a sideline in hospitality (university with student halls) has somebody in charge of preparing for hard, soft, delayed or cancelled Brexit, and they have indeed stocked up on toilet paper. All this is costing money and peoples' time which could otherwise be spent more productively, if the politicians got their shit together.
The thing about tariffs is that they're part of the deal when trade arrangements are negotiated.
While we are indeed free to set import tariffs on everything to zero if we wish, thats not a trade deal - i.e. it doesn't give us any rights to export our stuff to other countries tariff-free. What it does mean is that when we sit down with, say, the US to sort out a full trade agreement, their starting point will be "what else is in it for us ?" since they wont need to negotiate mutual tariff reductions.
it's clear the teachers will stash this payload in the staff room while students make do with tracing paper.
Tracing paper? More like grade ZZZ which basically a stick with bark cut from the nearest tree and wrapped in a piece of paper. The ZZ grade is paper but does have large chunks of wood in it.
A loo-roll shortage is an ideal opportunity for British innovation to lead the world again. The Dyson Loo-Blade (patent pending) will blast your behind with a high velocity airstream that will leave it fresher than it's ever felt before, all while saving the lives of countless trees. I sheet you not.
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