back to article Croydon school rolling in toilet roll after Brexit gift deemed unfit for the Queen's Anus Horribilis

A high school in the picturesque London borough of Croydon has been gratefully lumped with a lifetime supply of loo roll after Her Majesty the Queen turned down a donation from a cheeky German company. Some reckon the UK, being a large importer of toilet paper, could be in the shit in more ways than one if it crashes out of …

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      1. Ken 16 Silver badge
        Flame

        Re: schools

        null points from the Belfast jury

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: schools

          Not just Belfast.

    1. IHateWearingATie

      Re: schools

      "Does the UK have the teenage custom of "TP"ing the house of someone unpopular or otherwise conspicuous?"

      Nope - rains far too much for that. The unfortunate recipient of the TP'ing would just wait a few hours for the inevitable deluge to wash it all away.

    2. TRT Silver badge
    3. Christoph

      Re: schools

      "hurl rolls of toilet paper back and forth over a house "

      Tricky to do with terraced houses.

  1. Dave559

    Grow your own

    You really would hope that the UK would have enough of a forestry industry (and enough paper recycling) to be able to produce sufficient paper to make enough toilet paper to meet our needs. That’s really quite pathetic.

    And forests look quite pretty while growing, too.

    1. Ken 16 Silver badge
      IT Angle

      Re: Grow your own

      How long are you willing to wait between your after-pub chip shop curry and the development of a new paper industry in the UK? I'm going with a RTO of 4 hours.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Grow your own

        "How long are you willing to wait between your after-pub chip shop curry and the development of a new paper industry in the UK? I'm going with a RTO of 4 hours."

        We'll be fine, the British Army have stockpiled millions of packets of "Biscuits, AB" (aka arse blockers) from the standard issue ration pack.

        These are guaranteed to block your passage for at least a month (well, it'll feel like it anyway), and once you are capable of "dropping the kids off at the pool", the explosion will be so violent that it won't even touch the sides and arse paper will be totally unnecessary...

    2. Alister

      Re: Grow your own

      We don't have anything like enough land-mass for sufficient forestry to provide for all the timber and paper needs of the UK. Whilst Germany and the UK are similar in size by land area, Germany is much more heavily forested.

      1. tiggity Silver badge

        Re: Grow your own

        That's because we hacked down most of our forests to graze sheep or to allow sadistic *****s to blast captive bred birds to oblivion. way back in history.

        Lots of "scenic" areas e.g. the almost treeless wastelands of the Lake District, Peak district etc. should have lots of tree cover (bar on a few of the boggy areas that are not conducive to good tree growth)

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Re: Grow your own

          Also we cut down most of our ancient forests to provide ship timbers, enough so that we were dependent upon importing French oak by the time of the Napoleonic Wars.

          1. Richard 12 Silver badge

            Re: Grow your own

            French oak that was already arranged in the shape of a ship.

            Most of the English fleet was captured vessels. It's not piracy if you've hot a letter from the monarch, you see...

        2. WilliamBurke
          Headmaster

          Re: Grow your own

          While I agree with your sentiment, Grouse shooting was of course not the reason for the deforestation. This was done to blast the natives of foreign lands into oblivion (for which you need ships). And then put sheep at the heart of British agriculture, which not only prevented the forest from re-growing, but allowed to get rid of the rural population as well (up here they call it the Highland Clearances, but it probably happened down south as well).

        3. EvilDrSmith Silver badge

          Re: Grow your own

          >or to allow sadistic *****s to blast captive bred birds to oblivion.

          Not really. Clearance for agriculture, but also for building materials (ships and buildings) and for fuels - charcoal for much of the early metal working industry, for example, required lots of timber.

        4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Grow your own

          Lots of "scenic" areas e.g. the almost treeless wastelands of the Lake District, Peak district etc. should have lots of tree cover

          The trees which grew in these ares were hardwoods. Paper is made out of softwood.

          The trees vanished from the top of the northern Peak District (the so called Black Peak) long before any form of agriculture or pastoralism due to climate change (we used to call it the Boreal-Atlantic Transition).

          A lot of the trees were cut down from a lot of slopes on the sides of the Peak District hills for agriculture, not sheep. They're not well defined but there are distinct traces of medieval ridge and furrow. They did get enclosed quite early but I suspect dairy cattle were as important as sheep.

          1. Richard 12 Silver badge

            Re: Grow your own

            More important in many places.

            You only grow sheep if you can't grow anything better.

            1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: Grow your own

              "You only grow sheep if you can't grow anything better."

              The wealth of medieval England was founded on wool. When it came to a cash crop there wasn't anything better to grow.

    3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Grow your own

      "And forests look quite pretty while growing, too."

      Softwood plantations don't. Regular rows of dark Sitka spuce, not much colour variation through the year. Close up, very little ground flora.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Seriously...

    While it's all very funny, I can confirm that my public sector employer with a sideline in hospitality (university with student halls) has somebody in charge of preparing for hard, soft, delayed or cancelled Brexit, and they have indeed stocked up on toilet paper. All this is costing money and peoples' time which could otherwise be spent more productively, if the politicians got their shit together.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The thing about tariffs is that they're part of the deal when trade arrangements are negotiated.

    While we are indeed free to set import tariffs on everything to zero if we wish, thats not a trade deal - i.e. it doesn't give us any rights to export our stuff to other countries tariff-free. What it does mean is that when we sit down with, say, the US to sort out a full trade agreement, their starting point will be "what else is in it for us ?" since they wont need to negotiate mutual tariff reductions.

    1. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

      This has already been done -- it's called the WTO.

      You need to be aware that "No Deal" is a bullshit phrase designed to trick people into thinking you don't already have a deal. Or rather, over 165 of them, one with each WTO member.

  4. MrKrotos

    1,440 loo rolls != lifetime supply to a school

    Just saying...

    1. tiggity Silver badge

      Re: 1,440 loo rolls != lifetime supply to a school

      Though potentially optimistic for lifetime supply of her Maj

  5. Rich 11 Silver badge

    "Bugger bog rolls"

    As George V might have said.

  6. Dippywood

    A Soft Landing...

    Put them at the base of the 'brexit cliff' we are about to go over (apparently) and use them to cushion the fall...

  7. StuntMisanthrope

    It's the other end.

    Bit like the crane, that lifted the train. #nowedgies

  8. Mark 85

    Tough times need tough arses to get through them.

    it's clear the teachers will stash this payload in the staff room while students make do with tracing paper.

    Tracing paper? More like grade ZZZ which basically a stick with bark cut from the nearest tree and wrapped in a piece of paper. The ZZ grade is paper but does have large chunks of wood in it.

  9. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    Don't mention the war!

    For you Tommy, ze loo roll iz over!

  10. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    The Queen of Croydon

    Doesn't Kate Moss hail from Croydon?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No wonder our schools are going down the pan if they get luxury soft toilet paper .... bring back Izal!

  12. YARR

    The Brexit upside...

    A loo-roll shortage is an ideal opportunity for British innovation to lead the world again. The Dyson Loo-Blade (patent pending) will blast your behind with a high velocity airstream that will leave it fresher than it's ever felt before, all while saving the lives of countless trees. I sheet you not.

  13. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Wrong Palace

    The Germans should have sent 650 loos rolls to the Palace of Westminster.

  14. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Oh dear, Mr. Currie (if that is your real name)

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bang_Goes_the_Knighthood

    (or at least whoever came up with the genius headline)

  15. OFSO

    We have to bring our own.....

    ...the Fitness Centre which I use when in Spain has had the toilet paper dispenser removed from the men's changing room and replaced by a notice saying "bring your own paper" Perhaps the Germans could take pity on us ?.

  16. TheVogon

    I guess the school will have to keep it's government issue loo roll for it's original intended purpose as tracing paper.

  17. JoMe

    Being serious for a moment...

    Most of the world has kinda been laughing up its sleeve at the whole Brexit movement.

  18. Lars Silver badge
    Happy

    WTO

    Some WTO stuff on this thread, but I would like to point out that while it's not lying when you leave out things and facts about WTO, it is, if you do it intentionally.

    There is a lot on Youtube if you search for say "brexit wto". Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRJev8bWRU8

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