back to article Roll up, roll up for the Commentards' Ball

We here at El Reg have much love for our vociferous, knowledgeable, occasionally somewhat foam-flecked commentards - even if they/you don't absolutely always love us. It's not our way in general to show affection, or indeed any other emotion - we are British, after all - but we think it may be time to put some substance behind …

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  1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    a free and frank exchange of views.

    Isn't that diplomat speak for a virtual fight? So the poster above who's suggesting you're going to gather all your critics in one place for some cattle-prod re-education may be correct after all.

    Run AWAY!!!!

    Or perhaps you should kill them with kindness. Go for another post-pub deathmatch, comparing deep-fried polonium against kebabs for half-life and lethality...

    Surely this is an opportunity for another badge for commentards as well? To act as a memorial, when nostalically viewing their old posts from before The Cull.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A chance to drink a london boozer dry while someone else is in the chair for the bill? Can't believe people would turn that opportunity down!!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Devil

      Exactly. I'd walk from Australia for the chance to drink free beer.

      Although as I live in Blighty, that wouldn't be a problem in this case. And I'm not sure I'd walk to Australia, given some of what they sell as beer...

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Over an hour without...

    ...pictures or it won't have happened.

    Although I'm not sure I really want to see pictures of the chosen few.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Over an hour without...

      Playmobil reconstruction, surely?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Over an hour without...

        Shirley both?

  4. Big_Boomer Silver badge

    The Battle of W8

    I can see it now, Fanboiz on one side, WinDroids on the other, beer mats flying and much whimpering and whining. Have fun y'all. I'll read about it in the news.

  5. Don Jefe

    Attire?

    Will El Reg be validating parking? If not, are stables available nearby? Where's the nearest place to tether my airship? Everybody in London gets all weak kneed and wet in the pants every time I get even close to the city with my airship. Screaming about blackouts and rations. If blackouts are that common there I suggest you drink less. Putin has done wonders in cutting down alcohol abuse in Russia. Maybe you could invite him over for a few generations. He seems to enjoy getting out.

    Also, will you be running dozens of patio heaters inside and regulating the temperature with air conditioning? What types of fissile materials should we bring? If everybody brings enough there won't be any need to concern ourselves with the heating and A/C bills.

    Hey! You know what? If they've one of those really big copper vats for beer brewing we could huck some radioactive material in there and drink it like the Japanese do (that's why they're so clever you see). We could get someone monstrous blocks of ice and melt them with the indoor patio heaters and have a barroom engineering contest to see who can design the best boat using only materials found in the bar (any bottles or vessels must be emptied, by drinking, before use in a boat).

    Holy shit! We could put up some windmills and make them go with up-drafts from the patio heaters that are keeping the A/C from being too cold and melting the ice blocks. We've got these huge truck mounted lights here (we use them to light up pit mines at night to get broken heavy equipment out). I'm sure we could dismount them from the trucks though.

    We put the lights inside the bar, along the biggest PV array we can get through the door. We'll use electricity from the windmills to run the lights and stimulate the PV array. We'll use PV electricity to run the brew fires and to dispense justice. It's a full circle of life!

    Obviously we would need some things from 'the outside' raw materials for booze making, food (I vote for Giant Panda and Emperor Penguin), women. Water would come from the condensation of the A/C units so we're set there. Probably some sort of weaponry to maintain societal balance, but that should be all we need.

    We will have created a near perfect, almost closed system and we will pay for it with 'sustainable infrastructure' subsidies, utility company buy backs, and research grants. Lots of grants for climate change, climate change management (that's why we need all the green power stuff, to demonstrate we give zero fucks about what climate throws at us, our tech beats your hippy Earth goddess), behavioral science research, alternative economy research, group management research, isolated governance methods research (we'll have to kill a lot of outsiders when they discover our Utopia), just so many options. I'm sure there will be some artsy types there too, so we could probably get some grants for art. We'd have to move on that quick though. The artsy types will almost certainly be used up immediately as soon as the ice cube melt gets much above the ankles (their rubbery hides will become our boots - maybe since that's a First Nation invention we can get some money from the not French Canadians. That's part of the UK right?). You can only justify a small number of tambourine girls in any balanced society and those will be divided along traditional martial lines, King Badass gets (x) tambourine girls, and each weaker person gets a smaller number.

    Now that I've thought it through, the artsy types will not only make good boots, we can craft their bones into wind-chimes and scrimshaw (another grant opportunity!). It is crucial to note, the only way to leave is as artwork. If you have the slightest doubts about living inside a sustainable climate change management and communal art environment or get squeamish about eating Pandas just don't come. Hope to see you all there!

    1. Colin Brett
      Pint

      Re: Attire?

      Don Jefe,

      Sounds like a plan. Have a beer on me.

      All you need after that is for some astro-engineers to fit rocket engines to the base of the pub and then the party will really fly! It can raid the Home Counties for more supplies (but good luck finding tambourine girls in Essex, Kent or Berkshire).

      Colin

  6. url

    amanfrommars

    Pleeeeeease invite him/her

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      amanfromMars 1, Open Access in the Key of D for Entry into Seventh Heavens

      If the venue be public knowledge and not exclusively private, be it an open invitation to all with a notion to attend and partake in such an Astute Anonymous Autonomous Gathering ...... for High Land SMARTR StartdD Games Play ...... Virtually Remote Cyber Command with Absolutely Incredible Controls.

      Although I do concede that might make it not unsurprisingly popular and of particular and peculiar national security interest concern. It is more of a fab fabless opportunity for co-mingling entanglements with others into SMARTR Proprietary Intellectual Property Exchange for Freedom. The Life Blood of Dreams.

      True or False? Which Paths to Where do you Steer and/or Follow?

  7. Semtex451

    Why did you have to pick my wife's birthday?

    Now she'll be heart broken

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Saddly In Japan spending money I don't have on women I can't get.

    But will be having a jolly good time none the less.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "It's not our way in general to show affection, or indeed any other emotion - we are British, after all"

    This shows that your ARE NOT British!

    Where I live showing affection for your brothers/sisters/neighbours/friends is common place and accurately reflects human life. Emotion is fundamental to life.

    Your comment demonstrates that your sort are not worthy of being deemed as human life. You southern people need to go back to school and learn what it means to be a human being and not the life sucking automaton you portray yourself to be.

    Sad tragic people, the fact you have any sway is a travesty. (Though you have no sway with me, I think you have nothing of value to contribute)

    1. gazthejourno (Written by Reg staff)

      Dear commentard

      You're about a week away from being zapped. Your 375 rejected posts from this account alone, plus the several hundred on your original account which you stopped using when you realised your spittle-flecked bile was being constantly rejected, should have warned you that the above angry drivel is not acceptable here on El Reg.

      This is the second public warning I've given you. Do not labour under the illusion that clicking "Anonymous Coward" makes you invisible to the moderators. You're not. Next time there won't be a friendly public warning - that'll be it.

      Hugs and kisses

      El Mod

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        No, no, no, no, no. You're going about this the wrong way. He's obviously some sort of Northerner so invite him, he won't be able to resist free beer. Get him completely off his trolley then chain him to a lampost naked. Immediatley gets put on the sex offenders registry. If you can stretch to a second hand netbook, strap one to his body and stream the camera live over a free wifi thingy-me-jig, might even get him banned from using technology.

      2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Bloody hell! You guys are patient, if you don't zap accounts where you've already rejected 375 posts!

        What kind of cynical, embittered, angry mods must you be - if you've had to read all that. Suddenly it doesn't seem so safe meeting you... This is beginning to sound like a cunning plan to assassinate your more troublesome commentards.

        I must check my posting history to see if I have blasphemed against the Vulture God.

        1. Solmyr ibn Wali Barad
          Pint

          "What kind of cynical, embittered, angry mods must you be - if you've had to read all that."

          Maybe the mods are quietly weeping at that, having seen the darkest sides of the human mind, mourning the loss of mental greatness that once was...err, probably never was.

          Still, that would make it perfectly understandable if our dear Regtards are looking for a nice excuse to drink all London pubs dry. And then some more for the celebration of the fact that they do not have to deal with Youtube comments.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Please ...

    ... FFS don't invite Jake.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Please ...

      > ... FFS don't invite Jake.

      Jake or jake?

      1. jake Silver badge

        @AC "15 hours ago" (was: Re: Please ...)

        I suspect the coward means "jake".

        I'm roughly 6,000 miles away. I'd attend if I were a trifle closer, not being a coward.

        Perhaps the San Francisco office will offer up a similar get-together at one of the Hopmonk Taverns? I'd prefer the one in Sonoma ...

        http://www.hopmonk.com/sonoma/

    2. jake Silver badge

      @AC 16 hours ago, whatever that means (was: Re: Please ...)

      Jake hasn't commented here for a while now. Do try to keep up.

      ElReg: Where does "16 hours ago" start, exactly?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I bet

    They invite all those from the other side of the pond who won't be able to make it then drink all the effing beer themselves. Maybe a token Londoner will get in so they can justify the later claim against tax for entertaining.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    jeez

    I imagine that a night down the pub with Reg commentards would be like a night out with UKIP, only with more beards.

    Some things are better kept online.

  13. NeverMindTheBullocks

    Do I actually have to talk to anyone...

    or can I just drink the free beer?

    1. Don Jefe

      Re: Do I actually have to talk to anyone...

      Bah. Words are unnecessary if you appear to be suitably aloof and introspective. Not acting like a dick, just so preoccupied with weighty matters that you simply don't have the resources to do more than take comfort by watching the Earthlings enjoy their last few hours of existing as anything other than a tasty, but low carb, snack.

      Try to position yourself where you are in full view of the other patrons, but don't say anything. Communicate with the beer bringer only in writing and in less than 20mins people will view your silence as a challenge. It is also very effective to bring a small easel and paper and draw caricatures of the patrons using only crayons. It is crucial that you make liberal use of red but only as the 'action detail', not their clothes or anything. Also write a very short sentence, in red, under each drawing. Words and sentences like 'soon' ,'whispers', 'remorse', 'damp', 'silent echoes of eternity', 'trapped', 'original sin', 'visitor', 'wither', 'slough', 'innocence' and 'Purest Breakfast Sandwich' work well.

      Wordlessly give the drawing to the subject and hold out your hand as if for money. It helps if you can do a lazy eye or an eye twitch. It's great fun.

      1. Vic

        Re: Do I actually have to talk to anyone...

        > Communicate with the beer bringer

        With the what?

        Vic.

  14. Gordon 10 Silver badge

    Am I the only one?

    who thinks the sign up requirements are a bit intrusive? I could of course fill in false details but that wouldnt sit well on a site I respect.

    Why should my wish to join you in the pub require my business details? I appreciate you may just be re-using the Whitepaper sign up mechanism but it smacks a little of Facebookery.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Confusing page - 2 ways to register?

    I may have to show up twice now, sorry..

  16. Herby

    We need one for "imortant" places...

    Like here in sillycon Valley.

    There is a nice place a stones throw from Apple's "Endless Loop" campus. Nicely situated to pick up gossip from the locals as well.

  17. Someone Else Silver badge
    Pint

    Too far to commute...

    .. and the drive back to the colonies would be a bitch after several pints. But will be there in spirit (oooohh, was that a pun? Sorry....)

  18. wx666z
    Pint

    two suggestions

    Playmobil video reconstruction

    With real-time audio track, voice modification required.

    How much for the DVD?

    Is it ok to drink a Guiness in support in the U.S.? Other suggestions welcome...

  19. All names Taken
    Pint

    A way forward?

    Maybe one way is to have a synchronized sup at the same time with synchronicity courtesy of some electronic means?

  20. TBx

    your business

    I suspect I hampered my chances by telling the truth about who I work for, should maybe have told a fib and said I worked for a big tech company, like Nortel or something, Doh!

  21. DBJDBJ

    Oh dear ...

    Vultures vs.. "Commentards" ? ... That will surely finish in tears ...

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It is a bit far

    How about a Google hangout so we can be telepresent?

  23. Mark 85 Silver badge

    I just read the terms and conditons...

    Gaaacckkk!!!!! Like signing up for Facebook without the legal and PR BS. OTOH, at least you're honest about what will happen with our details and you don't ask for the names, etc. of 1000 friends to spam.

    Even still... sounds like it would be a pretty good evening. Sadly, travel time and distance are way too much.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This could be dangerous

    Have you calculated the critical mass for commentards?

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Attention

    I'm close enough to go. But frankly, the reason why I post as AC is because I am paranoid, have absolutely no social skills whatsoever and fear any sort of attention. But I do like drinking beer, so long as I don't have to talk to anyone or make eye contact. Perhaps I could sit in the corner on my own wearing a zipped up parka with the hood up and you lot could give me side long glances while whispering stuff about me to each other. I see my posts as confirmation that I am concious. People are over-rated.

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge
      Alien

      Re: Attention and Deficit Disorder Reappraisal

      I'm close enough to go. But frankly, the reason why I post as AC is because I am paranoid, have absolutely no social skills whatsoever and fear any sort of attention. But I do like drinking beer, so long as I don't have to talk to anyone or make eye contact. Perhaps I could sit in the corner on my own wearing a zipped up parka with the hood up and you lot could give me side long glances while whispering stuff about me to each other. I see my posts as confirmation that I am concious. People are over-rated. .. Anonymous Coward

      Howdy, AC .

      There be those and that working on a fab app which will allow one to cast off one's shell identity and reveal one's true passions initially relatively anonymously, for engaging escapades of immaculate bliss ..... and we all know where those always lead to and the pleasures that ensue and are assured to guarantee continuity of ..... Heightened XSSXXXXPloration and Insatiable Satisfaction ..... Heavenly Desserts.

      Methinks such will be a Mega Meta AI Game Changer. It will certainly be Deliberately Intelligently Designed to be XSSXXXXually Addictive and Most Attractive for even the Simplest and Most Generous of Players.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    bet they cant print

    What I am thinking haha hahaha bhahaah

    I'm going to take over the world...

    I want a beeelion pounds...

    Holy pintglass batman...

    biff pow splat

  27. Kubla Cant Silver badge

    Will attendees be identified..

    by their forum names?

    by what they claimed were their real names when they signed up?

    by their email addresses?

    not at all?

    1. Psyx

      Re: Will attendees be identified..

      I imagine that they will mostly be identified by however they introduce themselves.

      Regards;

      Eadon Iain'tsparticus A.M.F.M.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Re: Will attendees be identified..

        I'm Eadon!

    2. Tail Up
      Joke

      Re: Will attendees be identified..

      By a free hitech laser tattoo maybe. One enters the door, the thing reads the IMEI of your cellular and - whoosh! Don't even need to articulate a nickname.

      Vote for Fighters Club anyone?

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Click click

    Presumably there'll be someone from Doubleclick there too? Just standing there, watching. Taking notes and photos.

  29. sisk

    Pity

    I'm nowhere near London. In fact I've got this great big pond plus half a continent between me and you. I guess I'm just going to have to miss out on this one.

  30. horsham_sparky
    Pint

    d'oh!

    I'm flying out to germany to demo my new product the next day, I doubt they'll be impressed by me turning up smelling of stale lager, late night curry, with eyes redder than Saurons after a particularly bad session of quaffing hobbit blood-mead (just made that up). Knowing 'el Reg, I wouldn't discount the possibility of traffic-cone headwear, and handcuffs attached to bits of hack-sawed lampost

    *sigh*

    to those that make it, I damn you!!! :-) sounds like it will be an awesome night out

  31. Tail Up
    Alien

    9191 km to London

    Itsa Kinda Longwa (-:

  32. Stoneshop Silver badge
    Pint

    Commentard's Ball

    <voice="Humphrey Lyttelton">And here are Mr. and Mrs. Nonny-Mouse, with their lovely daughter Anne</voice>

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