Can you download it to me – in an envelope with a stamp?

I was only trying to collect a package from the counter. No, officer, I don't know why the post office is littered with broken glass. And teeth. Yes, officer, it might help if I start from the beginning. Let's have a look back on how it all started... … a look back… look back… back… [SFX: rippling video, sweeping of harp …

[H in The Hague]

Re: Moved to France

"So, still assessing which bank we'll use. "

Have you tried www.handelsbanken.co.uk? I get the impression they handle a more personal service. Branch staff have more options to get stuff done than with the major banks, or so I'm told, and they're building up a reasonable branch network in the UK. Not sure what part of the market they're aiming for. Not currently a customer as here in NL they're only expanding v slowly and currently not taking on new customers. (Wanted to open an account with them in NL so that in future it would be easier to get a UK account with them if I need that.)

Sorry to hear B....t affecting your business plans. Also has an impact on my friends with UK businesses, and myself.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Moved to France

...and that's the same for expats moving back after a long period abroad too. I curse every time I hear someone mention "we must protect the single European market". It just doesn't exist for so many things, and it's nothing to do with the B-word.

[Muscleguy]

Re: Moved to France

Try arranging things here in Blighty having arrived from overseas where you have been since emigrating aged 6. We couldn't get a phone until I got a bankcard and because I had no credit history here I had to give BT £50 in security deposit. This was in 1993 too.

There were other problems as well like being refused a credit card at first time of asking (no credit history). I had to pay a couple of month's rent to get enough credit history.

I was 27 and in possession of a shiny new PhD and only had a bank account because the director of the Institute had an arrangement with the manager of the local Barclays so I had a bank account pretty quickly. Or rather I had an account number, no card, no cheques. But I needed the account so my salary, in ECU's could be transferred into it.

I remember taking the train fairly close to Brent Cross and walking down darkening alleys with several hundred quid stuffed in my wallet to pay for Ikea furniture. No card, no cheques you see.

Back in NZ all you needed to open a bank account was $10 to put in it. Barclays didn't require funds to be in the account even.

[swampdog]

Re: Moved to France

You should have moved here earlier when apartheid was about to fail. All the other students went to the trendy banks. I walked up to Barclays, got an immediate credit card and a huge loan.

The other student's called me a c*unt. I replied. "Do you you think I'm going to pay them back?" Eventually I did but only the original amount. I once got stranded across country in a strange turn of events involving three library books and a boat whereupon I strolled into the original branch and promised the manager I'd make it my life's work to never pay them back again .. unless cash. I walked out with cash. You couldn't do that nowadays.

[big_D]

Re: Moved to France

Makes me glad I live in Germany. The officals are oddly efficient.

Although DHL are just as bad as in France. I had a couple of packages delivered while I was out. In the section "left with neighbour" was the handwritten notice "carport"... Now, 3 of my neighbours have carports, great! I went to the first one, no, they hadn't accepted a package, they checked in their carport, nothing.

Same for the second neighbour.

Same for the third neighbour.

I went back and, on my drive, hidden behind a conifer, was a package under the 20cm overhang in front of the garage! A 20cm overhang isn't a carport, even for a fragging Smart! And my drive most certainly isn't on my neighbours property!

Have a glass of home made Mirabelle liqueur.

[Tom 38]

Re: Moved to France

Service in France isn't universally bad. I remember rocking up to a cafe in Calais very early in the morning (about 6 AM). It clearly wasn't quite open yet, but we asked and the Mssr said oui, so we sat down and ordered some coffee, hot chocolate and asked if he had some baguette and jam. He said "mais oui, bien sur", and went back inside. Shortly, a jeune fille comes bolting out the door, sprinting down the street, and comes back 5 minutes later with a handful of warm baguettes. Tres bien.

Try that in London - "Piss off, we ain't open yet, come back at 8".

[big_D]

Re: Moved to France

I was on holiday in Provence and we (10 bikers) at a little café in a village.

Sorry, we're closed, you are too late for lunch. Then bike 11 turned up, with a French woman on board. She spoke with the café owner for 30 seconds and she ran upstairs, raided her personal fridge and came back down with a couple of loaves of bread and 3 Tupper containers full with cheese, ham and salami.

[Alien8n]

Re: Moved to France

Many years ago on a coach trip to Spain we came back up the motorway through France and stopped at the services. Turns out the services were being rebuilt so all they had were some very badly made sandwiches which even the most desperate Brits wouldn't touch, so back onto the coach and a trip to the next services. I managed to be the first in so I'm perusing the available delicacies when the owner overhears the next bunch of coach passengers walking in. His response?

"Vite, les Anglais, pomme frites!" (I clearly remember "Anglias" and "pomme frites", the rest may just be my poor French and misremembered past)

[Glen 1]

Re: Moved to France

That would be the difference between an independent cafe where it's the owner serving you vs a overworked (hungover?) student part timer who is in the middle of taking a delivery and hasn't had chance to put the tills on yet. (Think Costa/Nero/Greggs employee).

Sometimes I think it should be legally mandated that people work retail/kitchen/bar for at least a year of their life. Would probably be better for their worldview than National Service.

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Moved to France

legally mandated that people work retail/kitchen/bar for at least a year of their life

Likewise mandated that people who want to drive a car need to have ridden a scooter/small motorbike for at least a year. It'll teach them that they are not invulnerable.

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Moved to France

Service in France isn't universally bad

One time in central France we (4 bikers - two British, two Dutch) decided to stop off at a little restaurant in the middle of grape-picking country and have lunch..

They clearly were not used to tourists but adapted quickly - the chef came out to shake us all by the hand and cooked us their special while only charging us for the 19-franc[1] standard..

The biggest issue was trying to persuade them that no, we didn't need 1/2-litre of wine each since wine+fast riding on twisty roads[2] are really, really not a good combination..

[1] It was a fair while ago. The meal was pretty damn fantastic - a pork, garlic and mushroom thingly. Ver' ver' nice. And I speak as someone that doesn't particularly like garlic[3]

[2] Especially given their habit of scattering a deep bed of gravel over recently-resurfaced roads..

[3] Except in Chinese or Indian cooking where it's not the major flavour (unless you cook garlic chicken..)

[elgarak1]

Re: Moved to France

Even here in Germany some last-mile-people are getting bad. I remember having ordered something from Mr. Bezo's outfit, due to be delivered by one of lesser known delivery services. Nothing important, so I forgot about it until I sifted through my email, and found the confirmation that it should have been delivered ten days ago. Going over to the delivery service's web page, I found its whole tracking history, including three failed attempts to deliver to me, so it went back to sender. I looked at the dates and times of the supposed delivery attempts. i KNOW I've been there. I have a very regular day schedule, I ate my lunch at those times, and there's just one door to the street where the guy must have been knocking or ringing, with me sitting three meters away! There never was a knock or ring. (I left rather angry complaints everywhere. Don't know if it helped – so far, I never happened again.)

[ICPurvis47]

Re: Moved to France

I ordered some clock parts from a firm in London, to be delivered to my home in Oswestry. I received an email from Yodel saying that my parcel had been delivered. Strange, I've been sitting here all morning pounding the keyboard, right next to the window that overlooks my drive, and I haven't seen a Yodel van or a delivery person, so I went outside to look for the parcel. No parcel in sight anywhere on my property, so I went to the Yodel Tracking site, and discovered that my parcel had been delivered to an address in Cornwall!. I phoned Yodel, but they insisted that it had been delivered to the correct address on the parcel, from their Newton Abbot depot. I said that I very much doubted that a parcel for Oswestry would be delivered from Newton Abbot depot, as it is over 250 miles, and a 5 hour drive each way. The parcel turned up two days later, delivered by Parcel Force. Never did reach the bottom of that conundrum.

[DanceMan]

Re: last-mile-people are getting bad

Here in Vancouver and the neighbouring Burnaby the north-south streets begin numbering at the north end. but there are a couple of bubbles further north of the zero start cross street, so those addresses are 123 XXX Avenue North (Canada Post mandated order). When I began getting Newegg deliveries by Purolater, the tracking would show "querying address" several times then back to the depot, where I would have to pick it up. The inexperienced driver was seaching for 123 XXX Avenue a block away, unaware of the north-south divide. I had to change my address with Newegg to 123 North XXX Avenue to solve the issue.

That issue solved, even with a notice taped to the door saying "I'm home, okay to drop, but please ring the bell," the bell is never rung.

[Muscleguy]

Re: Moved to France

Here in the UK parcelforce of late has taken to take parcels while I'm out and plonk them in a post office miles away instead of our local one and use a name for it on the card which is not on the database. You need local knowledge. I knew there was a PO there but not by that name.

At one point I had to speak to an actual human to arrange my parcel delivery to me, the online system failed since I couldn't put in the name of the relevant PO . . . The guy agreed it was silly taking it there.

It is not on a bus route from here and I don't currently have a car and my knees won't let me cycle.

Don't think this just applies to foreign places. Mind you this is Scotland (No not Highlands and Islands) and I expect that matters.

I should have had something delivered yesterday, no card through the door . . .

[swampdog]

Re: Moved to France

It annoys me parcelforce (a) knock for 5 seconds then leg it (b) dumpt back at a depot where they ask for id. You we're going to stick it through the letterbox ffs!

What really annoys me though, is parcels from outside the EU. Company X has shipped it from the USA and I have to pay VAT on shipping. Que?

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Moved to France

"(b) dumpt back at a depot where they ask for id. You we're going to stick it through the letterbox ffs!"

The customer is the sender, not the receiver. Whatever you may have paid the sender for the parcel contents and the P&P bears no relationship at all with the senders contact with Parcelforce. If they use the cheapest option, Parcelforce, like all couriers will only make one single attempt to deliver then give up. It's up to the sender to pay for multiple deliver attempts and permission to use the depot as a storage warehouse (although even the cheapest option will always allow the parcel to be held for up to a week.) As for the ID, the ID is the address on the parcel. If they can't leave at the address then of course you have to prove that you are from that address.

[jmch]

Re: Moved to France

"As for the ID, the ID is the address on the parcel. If they can't leave at the address then of course you have to prove that you are from that address"

I've found when collecting a parcel that my driver's license is accepted as proof of ID. It doesn't have my address on it, it only acts as proof that I am the recipient. Proof of address is provided by me providing the piece of paper that they posted in my letterbox.

Incidentally nowadays here in Switzerland, I have an online account with the Swiss Post office that links to my address, so when anyone posts a package to me, I get an email notification as soon as it is picked up by them. I then have the option to schedule a delivery, or to authorise them to leave the package with a neighbour / in my front porch etc. Works very well and saves the hassle of a post office visit every time there's a package.

[ICPurvis47]

Re: Moved to France

Even worse, bought something off Amazon, the price was £16. At checkout, they added £8 post and packing, which was not mentioned on the salespitch page, and then all we got was a card through the door telling us we had to pay £12 import duty, as it was coming from the US. The total cost was therefor £36, and I later found out I could have bought the same thing on eBay for about £20. When I queried why the card through the door and not knock and deliver, I was told that the PO do not send the parcel out in the van until the duty is paid, and the delivery drivers are not allowed to carry money, so cannot collect the duty, it has to be paid on-line and they then redeliver, or you have to go to the parcels office, pay up, and then collect your goods. Bad one Amazon, bad one GPO.

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Moved to France

from the USA and I have to pay VAT on shipping. Que?

If it's not clearly marked as a gift (or regular clothing) then it'll attract import tax. I've ordered NFL clothing from the US that, because it's labelled as "sports wear" means I have to pay 20% VAT before I can collect it since it's counted as promotional material rather than regular clothing.

[Chris G]

Re: Moved to France

Spain in my case, I at least now have a Partido de Correos (post box in the post office 16 Km away) This week has been the first time in over 16 years that DHL or any courier has delivered to my address and that was twice for my new passport and the old one that they send separately.

DPD in the UK is SEUR in Spain and I think Geo post in France, they have a functional tracking system that shows your package sitting in various warehouses including a local one from which they will take the package, drive it past your house and then return it to the sender.

When enquiring about the nondelivery they will accuse you of not being in/not replying to the notification they didn't send you/ packet was wrongly addressed/the moon was in the wrong phase, or all of the above.

Last time I looked online SEUR had over a thousand reviews, 98% of them had one star out of a possible five, because you can't give a zero star review.

If you depend on any part of that group for deliveries, buy a bicycle, no matter where in the world you live cycling to the sender to collect your packet will be quicker.

[I ain't Spartacus]

Re: Moved to France

My first full time "proper job" was in a call centre. Deep joy! We worked on contract for other companies. One of which campaigns was Parcelforce - doing a customer satisfaction survey for them.

I don't know why they asked us to do it. It didn't make any appreciable difference. But at least senior management learned, from some of my transcribed conversations with their customers, that they are known almost universally as Parcelfarce. I decided not to type "those bastards", which was another alternative.

But then I've also done a summer job working for a couriers. So I know what goes on the other side of the hill. We once tried to unload a 1/2 tonne pallet of ceramic tiles - only to find that they'd "secured" the tiles to the pallet merely with a few layers of shrink wrap - no clips, no plastic ties, not even string. Apparently we got the contract because all their other couriers kept smashing the tiles. Well I wonder why that fucking was?

[H in The Hague]

Re: Moved to France

"Have a beer (no wine icon)."

Shall we start a petition to get a wine icon?

Have a good weekend.

[cookieMonster]

Re: Moved to France

Oui, merci

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Moved to France

"Shall we start a petition to get a wine icon?"

To be fair, the beer is just a typically British representation to the underlying text info "I'll drink to that" and so, by definition includes wine, Perrier or whatever else might float your boat in that situation :-)

[OssianScotland]

This has brightened up an otherwise dull Friday morning - many thanks!

[Ripper38]

brightened up an otherwise dull Monday

Just helping Dabbsy get 200 comments, oh and yes. Lived in France, Germany and now the Netherlands... Dutch DHL are cool plus they speak English too. German DPD tend not to ring and only speak Czech or is it Romanian... can't remember for French couriers, selective memory I suppose... Do remember the French Lettres Recommandées.. shudder to think at some I received! needed sunglasses to read the Bold Red 12pt type they used (icon because explosive)

[GlenP]

Not so many years ago...

Someone sent a film on a USB stick by carrier pigeon from London to Nottingham (IIRC) in less time than it took to stream the same film over a typical broadband connection in the area.

Suggestion for the future? get some pigeons and start training them!

[Anonymous Custard]

Re: Not so many years ago...

You might find there's a waiting time for such a request.

I'm sure my ISP has purchased most of them and is using them in my so-called fast fibre connection at random times...

[Stoneshop]

Re: Not so many years ago...

I'm sure my ISP has purchased most of them and is using them in my so-called fast fibre connection at random times...

How about using two swallows? Just stick the payload in a coconut, and there you go.

[Intractable Potsherd]

Re: Not so many years ago...

African or European?

[Sorry, couldn't resist. I'll get my coat.]

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Not so many years ago...

"African or European?"

Both. African is used to send data to the customer, European for sending data to the ISP. This does result in some latency as the swallows have to be couriered back to the origin point and for various obvious courier-related reasons don't always arrive on time (or at all). There is, of course, a standards committee currently working on a specification for a hybrid Africa/European swallow which will full-duplex, but as you can imagine, creating a new standard is fraught with difficulties and complications, such as which tropical beach front hotel to hold the next committee meeting at.

[I ain't Spartacus]

Re: Not so many years ago...

So, you're saying that ADSL2 stands for Asymetric Dongle Swallow Lifting in 2s?

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Not so many years ago...

tropical beach front hotel to hold the next committee meeting at

Clacton?

Oh - you said tropical - well wait for a few years and it'll get there..

[Adam Foxton]

Re: Not so many years ago...

Pigeons? No way is that a good idea, there's be far too many connection droppings!

[Alien8n]

Re: Not so many years ago...

Or in the case of the ones around here random crashes.

We had a pigeon attempt suicide by flying into the closed window of the office. It left an imprint, including a perfect impression of it's wings, against the glass.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Re: Not so many years ago...

We had the same with a seagull at Somerset County Council, giving us our very own representation of the SHIELD logo on the window of the IT Center Hut in the car park.

It was still visible even after I had left the country & popped back in again after 3 years for a beer with my former colleagues (Hence icon).

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Not so many years ago...

Random crashes? We have buzzards. We'd need a fighter escort for the pigeon post.

[DontFeedTheTrolls]

Re: Not so many years ago...

As the saying goes, if you're transferring large amounts of data "never underestimate the bandwidth of tape"

[Psmo]

Re: Not so many years ago...

Or a truck-full of HDDs.

[Mr Humbug]

Randall Munroe recommends we use migrating butterflies

https://blog.xkcd.com/2019/08/26/how-to-send-a-file/

[A K Stiles]

Re: Not so many years ago...

What about a gallon of micro-SD cards? Though you still face the delivery issue and a pigeon isn't going to be able to carry that gallon jug... Maybe two of them, though how they'd both hold it securely...

[collinsl]

Re: Not so many years ago...

They could grip it by the husk!

[jmch]

Re: Not so many years ago...

"a pigeon isn't going to be able to carry that gallon jug... Maybe two of them, though how they'd both hold it securely..."

If pigeons won't work, maybe swallows will do better. Although I'm not sure how the airspeed of laden swallows* compares to that of laden pigeons.

*of any variety

[Spamfast]

Re: Not so many years ago...

If pigeons won't work, maybe swallows will do better. Although I'm not sure how the airspeed of laden swallows* compares to that of laden pigeons.

Now we just need an efficient way of encoding data in coconut milk.

[Unicornpiss]

If you have an unladen swallow..

..then you just need to take a bigger sip of your beer next time.

[Psmo]

Re: Not so many years ago...

What about a gallon of micro-SD cards?

I reckon the latency of having to swap all of the cards into readers would drop expected performance off a cliff.

And give the team of a dozen people RSI by the end of the afternoon.

[big_D]

Re: Not so many years ago...

Ah, good old RFC 1149 / 2549! But with jumbo packets!

[Stoneshop]

Re: Not so many years ago...

But with jumbo packets!

Ah, you mean that you stuff the coconut up an elephant's trunk, aim it in the right direction and them make the pachyderm sneeze?

(the one with the pepper mill in the pocket, please)