back to article BOFH: Oh, go on, let's flush all that legacy tech down the toilet

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "...Oh yes, I was reading the white paper on that just this morning," I lie. I hardly ever read white papers. I mean, if the white paper were titled: "How to get two lagers for the price of one," I might be more inclined to do so, but when it's entitled "The end of passwords" and is so …

      1. SoaG

        Re: Just asking ....

        Next episode? What do you think this episode was about?

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Re: Just asking ....

      Quick, the sky is falling! amanfromMars made a post that made perfect sense. This truly is a sign of the end times!

      Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!

      Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

      1. Psmo Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Just asking ....

        Run for the hills!

        1. Me too

          Re: Just asking ....

          They're coming from the hills!

          1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

            Re: Just asking .... about Flights of Absolutely Magnificent Savages

            They're coming from the hills! ...... Me too

            Any advance on them coming too from High Grounds in the Highlands, Me too?

            You know, for the Earthly Benefits that be Truly Worthy of Ancient and Infinitely Wise Celtic Confections ....... Gatherings for the Enjoyment and Employment of Bounty and Plenty ..... for where Enlightening Elders Conspire to Create a Vast Field of Perfumed Gardens of Eden ..... for Adams and Eves again to Tempt Horny Devils out to Play with the Bright Lights of Heavenly Intervention Providing Almighty Appealing Narrative ....... with Instructive Sourcing of IntelAIgent Supply Chains for All Wannabe Brave Hearts/Proxy Laird Controllers of Presents in Futures.

            Feel free to translate and communicate all parts of that to wherever it is needed to be seeded and bred/grown and harvested/supplied and husbanded.

            Does steganography beat encryption every time in the clear and rapid transfer of information and intelligence to multiple myriad sources and forces?

            The posit here is that it certainly does, and that renders encryption a second best option for sensitive secure services.

            1. DiViDeD Silver badge

              Steganography? Encryption?

              Who needs encryption when you can just hand a message to aMfM and ask him to express it in his own words?

              1. Criggie

                Re: Steganography? Encryption?

                You get strong one-way encipherment. Good luck getting it deciphered though.

      2. Martin Summers Silver badge

        Re: Just asking ....

        Well he was coherent for a change (then ruined it further down). The AI thought it was a statement The Register was making on its website, it didn't realise the context was a fictional story. It would have been funny if it had mentioned GDPR though.

        I'd rather the spam stopped now though, between him Cliff and I.Gellar they're all getting a bit tiresome.

        1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

          Re: Just asking ....

          Well he was coherent for a change (then ruined it further down). The AI thought it was a statement The Register was making on its website, it didn't realise the context was a fictional story. It would have been funny if it had mentioned GDPR though.

          I'd rather the spam stopped now though, between him Cliff and I.Gellar they're all getting a bit tiresome. .... Martin Summers

          ? Spam, MS? Oh please, you surely cannot be serious and so easily fooled, although if you can believe Einstein, is your strangeness and spooky action at a distance most probably highly likely. Such leaves one catastrophically vulnerable to information and intelligence which is not routinely fully shared mainstream.

          Einstein ....... "Everyone sits in the prison of his own ideas; he must burst it open, and that in his youth, and so try to test his ideas on reality." ..... however, there is always this Catch 22 ..... "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

  1. JonP
    Pint

    Hmmm

    Getting a sense of deja vu here. Reminds me of one of M Dabb's articles (not that I'm implying that SFTW is shit or anything...)

    Still it's BOFH and it's Friday - can't complain too much!

    1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      Re: Hmmm

      Deja vu? Or Deja poo?

      1. Aussie Doc Bronze badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Hmmm

        Deja poo - that feeling you've had this poo already. After curry night---->

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Trollface

      Re: Hmmm

      Yeah, it's a crap column. One might almost say, taking the p***.

  2. Gerhard den Hollander

    Reading this on the toilet

    Little knowing that Graham the dispatcher is now a poo-smelling smear in the middle of the road because he forgot to take your latest memo with him."

    Brilliant....

    Which is why i print them, rather than take an ipad.

    1. J. Cook Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Reading this on the toilet

      You mean an iPood? *rimshot*

      Mines the one with "DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION" in great big letters on the back.

  3. Big_Boomer Silver badge

    ShitSecurity

    Ahhh yes, the old trick of making things so secure that they are unusable, even by those supposed to use them, and therefore 100% secure. That one is a favourite of SysAds the world over. Having been on both sides of the equation I have to admit that you Users are a piss-poor bunch of incompetent ingrates, but we Users are also the ones who make sure that the company keeps making money and therefore has enough to pay you SysAds wages.

    Personally, I believe that toilets should be accessed by swipe card, so that those who use them responsibly can be rewarded and the scum who piss on the seat and throw loo paper on the floor can be billed and publicly vilified for their appalling lack of consideration for anyone else. BigBrother In the Loo!! :-)

    1. tfewster Silver badge

      Re: ShitSecurity

      > but we Users are also the ones who make sure that the company keeps making money and therefore has enough to pay you SysAds wages

      Joking aside, is that really the case? Apart from the efficiencies of using a computer rather than a small army of quill pen wielders and couriers, if "data is the new oil" then IT has moved a long way past automation.

      I'd say that every company is an IT company, no matter what they sell.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: ShitSecurity

        "if "data is the new oil" then IT has moved a long way past automation."

        Especially when the analysts on the technology teams usually seem to understand how the business works, or should work, far more than the users were are trying to deliver products to - I do often wonder why the hell we even have users, and why we don't just do the damned job ourselves...

    2. ElReg!comments!Pierre

      Re: ShitSecurity

      A previous update to our password policy automatically expired passwords every month, directing you to create a new password. It was so secure that users weren't given the rights to generate their own password, so for about a month the whole company had the same password, Beach234, helpfully set up by the helpdesk one support call at a time.

      1. TomPhan

        Re: ShitSecurity

        The place I was at that generated your new password every month went a step further - they'd print it out and leave it on your desk on the first working day.

      2. Terry 6 Silver badge

        Re: ShitSecurity

        Which is kind of like some school password policies I've met. P/W has to be changed every month.

        But..

        1.) Busy primary school teachers running into the staffroom during the 5 minutes break they get in the morning haven't got time to piss about remembering the latest p/w and even less time to fuck about trying to think of a new one (let alone remember it since repeats are of course not allowed).

        2) Summer break is 5 or 6 weeks (longer in private schools) and there's also a pretty high probability that the p/w will expire over Xmas or Easter. So the start of every term means that every teacher needs to create a new one or (more likely) get a reset because a lot of of them won't remember what the last one was anyway. (especially if the post-it note they had on the side of the monitor has gone astray).

    3. knelmes

      Re: ShitSecurity

      Wipe* card.

    4. SoaG
      FAIL

      Re: ShitSecurity

      Swipe card logs to promote basic decency? Yes please! Also mandatory white cloth shoes.

      We've got a guy at our office always uses the urinals with his hands on his hips. Can't imagine why the floor of the bathroom near his desk is always a swamp and the other bathrooms aren't...

    5. edris90

      Re: ShitSecurity

      Swipe cards for bathrooms, means in time it took to fumble find and swipe, diarrhea has poured down the leg and onto the carpet.

      He didn't realize it was diarrhea until it was already rushing out his pant leg.

      Congratulations , now you got poop carpet.

      Or if you only require the swipe card to exit, then that door gets kicked down with a quickness.

      Because their basic imperative not to be restrained overrides concern for property damage.

      If you use your property to lock someone in a room they are justified in destroying anything necessary to get free.

      If you start tracking bathroom usage people are just going to start pooping in pots and throw it in the garbage can.

      1. 's water music

        Re: ShitSecurity

        If you start tracking bathroom usage people are just going to start pooping in pots and throw it in the garbage can.

        If that replaced using the floor and they managed it without any wall smearing, that would be a win at some of the places I have had the misfortune of working at. I always check the toilets before deciding whether to use the shared kitchens

    6. Vincent Ballard
      Coat

      Re: ShitSecurity

      Looking at those revenue figures the PFY pulled out of the database, and bearing in mind that we know that the BofH's company employs a CEO, HR bods, beancounters, a dispatcher, an IT manager, the BofH, and the PFY, there's no way there's money left over to pay actual users.

      1. Vincent Ballard

        Re: ShitSecurity

        Actually, in fairness, the dispatcher would be an actual user.

        1. doublelayer Silver badge

          Re: ShitSecurity

          I think the HR and accounts people count as users, but still, the numbers don't line up exactly. Then again, it's never been really clear what this company does. I think we had one mention of manufacturing a year ago and some mention of trading, probably stocks but nobody really explained, about a decade ago. It's possible they have one product line that's sold to the general public which accounts for that database and the rest of their services are sold to business clients and are stored in another database, but at this point I'm just making stuff up to answer a theoretical question that I don't think was ever seriously considered in the first place.

          Edit: Just after posting this, I realized the math mistake. They say the average transaction is seventy three quid, and they multiply that for every client, but not by multiple transactions. If they have customers who place multiple orders in a year, the average order could be 73 quid but the average money per year could be much higher. For example, they could be running a subscription service where people pay by the month, making the average annual intake from each customer about nine hundred pounds. Maybe some people pay by the day, too. Who knows.

  4. ukgnome

    Ahhhh This sounds like the implementation of the new HR system, just with less shit.

  5. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
    Pint

    One more classic BOFH episode in the making.

    Banished all grayness from this day.

    almost time for a ====>

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If the new system fails I bet the it's harder to wipe as well.

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

      Cheap class - sandpaper for toiletpaper

      Middle class - Very thin single-ply TP

      Snowflake class - Double ply TP but hey, you gotta pay for the privilege

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

  7. Primus Secundus Tertius

    Equifax news

    In The Onion today is a news item: Hacked Equifax Customer Receives 10,000 Stolen Social Security Numbers As Share Of Class Action Settlement.

    1. stiine Silver badge
      Unhappy

      Re: Equifax news

      Hell, that's worth more than the USD$125 that they sued for, assuming a 5% claim rate. As the claim rate approaches %100, that number is dropping to USD$0.01

    2. stiine Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Equifax news

      And yes, I understand The Onion.

  8. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
    Coat

    This is both taking the piss..

    And making them litteraly pay for it...

    If its subscription based, surely there should tiers(tears)? Like being able to use paper towels over a pathetic coughing jokingly referred to as a 'hand drier' which barely warms the skin.

    They also don't make any note of how long they hold onto your data before purging it... That could get messy (and that's before we mention GDPR.. Or would that be written on the bog roll? ).

    1. lglethal Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: This is both taking the piss..

      Higher tiers come with multiply soft toilet paper and that dispenser soap that actually smells nice and doesnt leave your hands feeling greasier than before you went to the toilet.

      Low level tiers get single ply, single sheet dispensers (no rolls for you plebs), with a a maximum of 5 sheets per visit, and a block of soap so hard you could use it as a halfbrick in a fight, and with about the same cleaning ability as the half brick.

      At higher tiers we also guarantee there will be no voyeur cameras installed. (At lower tiers, we dont say there will be voyeur cameras, but well you know we cant guarantee their isnt...)

    2. Timo

      Re: This is both taking the piss..

      If they made me pay to go to the loo then I'd probably be fine with leaving it by the door. Or down the wall.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: This is both taking the piss..

        Looking at the relevant legislation, it appears that a company is legally required in all but the smallest of places to provide toilet facilities for the use of the staff. it doesn't actually preclude charging for the use of the facilities though. Oops.

        (There may be other legislation that prevents charging for spending a penny)

  9. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Priceless

    Possibly one of your best ever!

    I laughed so much I nearly had to go to the Loo - good job it's a legacy type.

  10. oiseau Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Brownware

    ... but faking the old brownware is a lot harder.

    Hmmm ...

    I think not.

    Otherwise, how can you explain UK's newest PM and his loyal following?

    O.

    1. FrogsAndChips

      Re: Brownware

      His brownware is perfectly identifiable and similar to no one else's.

      1. oiseau Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: Brownware

        Ahh ...

        I see you missed my point.

        Here you go:

        His He's brownware and is perfectly identifiable, and similar to no one else.'s.

        Fixed it for you.

        O.

    2. steelpillow Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Re: Brownware

      ... but faking the old brownware is a lot harder.

      Hmmm ...

      I think not.

      Otherwise, how can you explain UK's newest PM and his loyal following?

      Simple - they are not fakes at all, they are the real stuff. Especially Pritti Dangerous and her not-the-death-penalty-yet.

  11. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Now I gotta go and find the Bastardly eppysode where the "Boss is rapidly downloading some brownware..."

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      The joys of full text search...

      That would be "The Bastard brings his boss crashing down with a little bribe..." from 1996-02-21.

      https://bofh.subversivedata.com/story/1996/7

  12. Spanners Silver badge
    Happy

    An excellent form of biometrics.

    Now, how to set up fecal recognition on some iPads...

  13. Unicornpiss Silver badge
    Pint

    Sadly..

    This seems like something the company I work for would do in its knee-jerk reaction to security involving legacy tech..

  14. LeahroyNake

    Cloudy crap

    I don't know how you get away with these awesome stories when every other ad on the site is pushing cloud.

    Big Thumbs up for fecal recognition, now go wash your hands!

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