back to article Croydon school rolling in toilet roll after Brexit gift deemed unfit for the Queen's Anus Horribilis

A high school in the picturesque London borough of Croydon has been gratefully lumped with a lifetime supply of loo roll after Her Majesty the Queen turned down a donation from a cheeky German company. Some reckon the UK, being a large importer of toilet paper, could be in the shit in more ways than one if it crashes out of …

                    1. codejunky Silver badge

                      Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                      @Rich 11

                      "So if we leave the Customs Union you will happily waive all border checks? Is this what you call taking back control?"

                      Nice sidestep. We dont have a problem now, so why would we? Taking back control is to be in control and make choices yourself. So if we take back control then its up to us if we do or dont and how we deal with it. Taking back control does not mean becoming anally retentive.

                      "The people who run the ports at Rotterdam and Calais are building extra lorry parks and customs channels and appear to disagree with your assessment"

                      Actually that means they will choose to make it more difficult for themselves. Which as with taking back control, does not mean we are required to even if they are.

                      "No, it assumes there's a backlog at Channel ports for reasons already described. Come on, the ability to read for comprehension can't be beyond you."

                      Thank you. I wish I could return the faith. If we dont have such a backlog then it shows we dont need to have such a backlog and it is not mandatory for us to inflict one on ourselves. That they would inflict one on themselves is their choice. Unless its not their choice but the EU's which would demonstrate the taking back control quite clearly.

                      "Of course they won't price themselves out of the market. They'll just put prices up. You might need to read my final sentence again."

                      You cant complain they will put prices up if they are not pricing themselves out of the market. Because that means they are not raising prices due to brexit but because the market requires or allows for higher prices.

                      "Supermarkets don't generally benefit from people panic-buying non-perishable goods, since those goods can be used at a later date and people will simply not buy any at that point in time. We're talking bog rolls and wet wipes, not bags of salad leaves."

                      I didnt say the supermarkets are trying to get people panic buying. Amusingly a loan company have been told to stop using an advert praying on people with that stupid fear. Spreading fear of brexit has been routine since the referendum. Often comically bad propaganda but plenty of it.

                  1. Schultz
                    Holmes

                    There will be transport delays. Why?

                    Because there is paperwork and checks involved. Toilet paper sounds harmless, but what about that toxic waste, declared as toilet paper for easier disposal?

                    The EU made life easy, because it created common standards and rules as to what we call toilet paper and how it, and toxic waste, can be shipped around. I am sure the GB will follow the common sense toilet paper rules (together with those on banana and cucumbers) in the future, but for the moment there seems to be a bit of confusion as to how trade actually works in the modern world. You'll figure it out in time - just make sure you have a spare roll of Hakle Supersoft to carry you through the learning period.

                    1. codejunky Silver badge

                      Re: There will be transport delays. Why?

                      @Schultz

                      "Because there is paperwork and checks involved."

                      Which is where your comment can stop because it has already been neutered in my comment which you are responding to when I explain we dont have a problem now. Are the German businesses suddenly going to send toxic waste against the rules of the EU?

                      1. Rich 11 Silver badge

                        Re: There will be transport delays. Why?

                        Codejunky, please carry on demonstrating that you don't have a clue. Your total inability to grasp the argument by repeating the same unfounded beliefs time after time is an education for us all.

                        UK's biggest toilet roll supplier WEPA stockpiling to avoid No Deal customs delays

                        1. codejunky Silver badge

                          Re: There will be transport delays. Why?

                          @Rich 11

                          "Codejunky, please carry on demonstrating that you don't have a clue. Your total inability to grasp the argument by repeating the same unfounded beliefs time after time is an education for us all."

                          Which part of facts are you struggling with? We dont have the problem now, its a self inflicted problem if we choose to do it, so why would we choose to. Pointing out business is stocking up just in case the gov self inflicts a problem still does not mean we have to have such a problem. So if we do have such a problem its because we choose to cause such delays on imports.

                          You say my comments are an education to you but you really dont seem to grasp them. Instead you keep repeating you dont have a clue (I am not sure if I should put quotes around that because it applies both ways).

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

              You obviously don't understand tariffs. We are not taxing ourselves, we are taxing the importer based upon the category of goods and their country of origin and/or the country of transit if part of a larger system.

              A unilateral tariff reduction swings towards a large trade deficit and so wealth is removed form the country at a larger rate causing the economy to stall and a recession to occur. Therefore you get agreement on tariffs with the other country and set equivalent tariffs or try to set up a multilateral zero tariff arrangements (a free trade agreement). The multilateral tariff arrangements were set up with the EU and no longer apply to the UK.

              The tariffs also pay for the time and administration of the import of goods which will then need to be checked to ensure that they have any relevant tax and duty paid on them and they have the relevant regulation adherence. You can ignore this regulation check if you have 'regulatory alignment' and you can ignore the duty issues and many more checks if you have a 'customs union'.

              Just having zero tariffs and no checks - well no civilised economy would do that unless they were truly desperate or out of their depth, would they?

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                Also investment. Why would a company invest in factories or have a HQ in the UK with zero import tariff. They would set up in a company with a high import tariff knowing they could export to the UK for free. Therefore they get the best of both worlds and the UK loses out on investment.

                1. codejunky Silver badge

                  Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                  @AC

                  "Also investment. Why would a company invest in factories or have a HQ in the UK with zero import tariff. They would set up in a company with a high import tariff knowing they could export to the UK for free"

                  That forgets part of the equation. If you need to import for your business do you want to buy at market prices or government inflated ones? The steel tariffs against China saw job losses in the US while the rest of the world enjoyed a discount of world surplus steel. That import tariff hits anyone importing even if its for business.

                  If your imports cost more but you export your products then a zero tariff country is where you want to be. You can be the cheapest seller based on inputs cost.

                  1. Anonymous Coward
                    Anonymous Coward

                    Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                    Say a flat rate of 10% on your exports and 0% on your imports. As your imports will always be a lower cost than your export price (i.e. you sell things for more than you buy the parts for it, which applies to every business) then you will always lose out if you have a tariff on exports.

                    Country A exports raw material 1

                    Country UK imports Raw Material 1

                    Country A has import tariffs on Country UK of 10%

                    Country A has bilateral Tariffs on other countries of 3%

                    Country UK has import tariffs on Country A of 0%

                    Country A may get the the raw goods slightly cheaper but their products will always cost more to export and so their products won't be competitive. Country A would buy exported product from either other countries at 3% or from their internal market at 0%. Hence why free trade agreements make for a competitive global market. You can play to your strengths without being at the mercy of a tariff war or the varying rates and legislation around the world.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
            Facepalm

            Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

            "The mechanisms in place with non-EU countries almost all apply to the EU and will not automatically transfer over after Brexit."

            Wrong! We have agreements with a number of major trading parters which agrees the current EU terms will carry over. That's major trading partners such as Palestine, Israel, Liechtenstein, Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, The Faroe Islands. We're sorted!!!

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          The trouble with anything from that side of the pond is that it it could be full of dodgy chemicals or hormones! My bum does not need any of theirs!

          1. Teiwaz

            Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

            The trouble with anything from that side of the pond is that it it could be full of dodgy chemicals or hormones! My bum does not need any of theirs!

            I'm less concerned about bog roll than I am the dodgy food practices that might follow...

            Who wants chicken washed in a swimming pool anyway???

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

              I hope you take the same stance against EU lettuce which is also "chlorinated".

              1. Tom 38

                Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                Its not about the chlorination, its about that chlorination in abattoirs is thought to replace the EU practices of keeping the place actually clean of bacteria in the first place. US believes that chlorine washing can compensate for poor hygiene standards, and has a 0.4% population incidence rate of both campylobacter and salmonella infections (estimated), whilst the UK currently has 0.1% incidence of campylobacter and 0.01% of salmonella (actual).

                PS: Only "pre-washed" lettuce has the chlorine rinse.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                  Interesting that you compare the USA to the UK.

                  If you compare the USA to the EU you get comparable results.

                2. Lars Silver badge
                  Happy

                  Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                  It's more than just the chlorination when it comes to agri in the USA.

                  To remind you of the old fashioned EU compared to the modern US way of doing it.

                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4osE1BjdPw&t=472s

                  1. Lars Silver badge
                    WTF?

                    Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

                    A down vote for Food Inc, I find that surprising.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

        I hope there isn't a massive back log, we wouldn't have anything to clear it.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

        "You apparently think magic tech will give us the required hard and soft border in Northern Ireland"

        We could implement electronic controls similar to this:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4_AeqE09Fs&feature=youtu.be

        It appears to be an EU approved solution - whether it's too late to implement said solution now is a different issue, one where coherent governance within the UK is required.

        1. Ken 16 Silver badge
          Alert

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          This is one area where I'm commited to soft

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          "You apparently think magic tech will give us the required hard and soft border in Northern Ireland"

          We could implement electronic controls similar to this:

          Your example is aimed at relatively few ferry ports. The border between N Ireland and the Republic is a convoluted land border. The EU wouldn't want to be in a position where such controls apply to ferries between Ireland and, say, Brittany and the UK can't accept them between Britain and NI so how do you apply them? This is one of the obvious difficulties which Leave should have thought through beforehand.

        3. Lars Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

          "It appears to be an EU approved solution".

          Just ideas that nobody yet has been able to implement anywhere in the world.

          PS. I think brexiters were very keen to be able to control the borders.

          And will it prevent all EU to enter the UK walking across the border from Ireland to NI. Will the system beep somewhere electronically.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

            "Just ideas that nobody yet has been able to implement anywhere in the world."

            France is implementing these in 2019, as much to help address illegal migrant issues as Brexit, but it is already being tested.

            1. Lars Silver badge
              Happy

              Re: re: I wonder why they would pretend to think....

              "France is implementing these in 2019,".

              France doesn't have open borders outside of the Schengen area, so let's stick to the reality.

              And it might help you too to provide a link, and by the way if it is easy and feasible, all the better, and why then worry about the backstop as it will never be needed.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Fruit and veg farmers in the EU had their produce caught up in the Calais strike and it arrived unfit to sell. The result is that some fruit and veg farmers are now not sending produce to the UK. The Calais strike was work to rule to show what things would be like after Brexit.

      Obviously toilet paper has a longer shelf-life, but this is one reason why some businesses would refuse to sell to the UK.

      Another would be legal uncertainty in a no deal situation.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        The Calais strike was work to rule to show what things would be like after Brexit.

        The Calais work to rule was bolshie French unions taking advantage of any opportunity to ask for more staff & money.

        Country joining the EU? We need more staff to handle the extra workload.

        Country leaving the EU? We need more staff to handle the extra workload.

        France staying in the EU? It's stealing our jobs!

      2. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

        > legal uncertainty in a no deal situation

        There is no legal uncertainty in a WTO situation (apocalyptically rebadged "no deal" for hysteria-sake).

        Which is what the UK will be in. Same as Australia, USA, China, etc. All of which have absolutely no toilet paper or indeed ANY international trade because they too failed to make a Special Deal with one group of countries.

    2. katrinab Silver badge
      Alert

      They will sell us it, but it will be stuck at Ostend Ferry Port waiting for a Seaborne Freight ferry to arrive.

  1. Pat Att

    That's only half the job

    Now we need Theresa May to come down and give a lifetime's supply of shit.

    1. DJV Silver badge

      Re: That's only half the job

      She's already done that ten times over!

  2. Robigus
    Trollface

    Say what you like about the Germans

    They look after their own.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Say what you like about the Germans

      They also "look after" the Greeks...

  3. Waseem Alkurdi

    Water

    Doesn't water cut it for arse-washing? I've always wondered how people *believe* they can clean up with just bog paper ...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Water

      Please don't confuse this issue any further.

      You'll have the water shortage loons joining in with the toilet paper loons. And the heart attacks caused during the arguments will drag in the shortage of medicines loons. Or maybe the cull of said loons could address the demand and avoid shortages?

      P.s I have spare rolls of toilet paper available. Serious offers above £20/roll only...

    2. Totally not a Cylon
      Alert

      Re: Water

      But then you'll need a hi-tech toilet, with all the buttons labelled in Kanji.

      So no one will know which button is flush and which is sterilise toilet!

    3. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble?

      Re: Water

      I know, right? It's like they never even learned how to use the three seashells!

      1. Mark 85

        Re: Water

        Seashells will work but eventually there won't be any left on the beach. However, we here in the US should be able to supply large quantities of corn cobs in both the white/light and brown/dark varieties.

    4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Water

      "Doesn't water cut it for arse-washing?"

      I'll just leave this here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-47620228

      1. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

        Re: Water

        Oh, priceless. Has Tim Flannery made his way to England?

        Thank god, we could seriously do without his hysterical bullshitting. He ran exactly the same line in 2005-2007 in Australia, screaming urgent need to build major desalination plants, all mothballed until needed, never have been, ongoing maintenance costs are around A$1bn/yr iirc.

      2. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

        Re: Water

        “By the year 2000 the United Kingdom will be simply a small group of impoverished islands, inhabited by some 70 million hungry people … If I were a gambler, I would take even money that England will not exist in the year 2000.”

        Paul Ehrlich, Speech at British Institute For Biology, September 1971.

  4. Amentheist
    Coat

    Didn't know people wipe their behinds with swans' necks.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It's the only way to do it with any dignity.

      For the person, not so much for the swan.

      1. a cynic writes...

        Unless you run out of swans..

        Let's face it there's no much dignity running up and down a lake with you trousers round your ankles trying to catch one of those a feathered vicious bastards.

        1. Korev Silver badge

          Re: Unless you run out of swans..

          Said the actress to the bishop

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Unless you run out of swans..

          "those feathered vicious bastards."

          And there's no telling what damage those beaks could do.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        How did you think the "Floss" was invented if not when using a swan's neck?

    2. Christoph

      In days of old when knights were bold, and paper not invented

      They wiped their arse with bits of grass and walked away contented.

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Coat

        Or the Daily Chainmail

  5. disgruntled yank

    schools

    Does the UK have the teenage custom of "TP"ing the house of someone unpopular or otherwise conspicuous? In the USA teenagers will not and then hurl rolls of toilet paper back and forth over a house until is thoroughly draped. The school may wish to keep the supply well secured.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: schools

      Does the UK have the teenage custom of "TP"ing the house of someone unpopular or otherwise conspicuous?

      Nah, over 'ere, if there's someone unpopular we just chuck a petrol bomb through the letterbox...

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