back to article Wanna work for El Reg? Developers needed for headline-writing AI bots

The Register seeks full-time developers and data scientists to build software tools to generate El Reg-style headlines and other text. This technology will draw upon the work of top UK academic Professor Warren Rice, who has assembled a database of more than one million news stories, including the entire Register archive, and …

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No DevOps?

      That's a separate project...

  1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    Already started work

    If InputString=="Capita"





    1. Law

      Re: Already started work

      Not forgetting....

      // Yahoo! Related! Article!

      if article.contains("yahoo")


      title.replace(" ", "! ");


  2. Mystic Megabyte

    One of them might be right!










    Another scoop for elReg :)

  3. Nick Kew

    I'll do it

    Sounds like a good project, stitching together the relevant open-source components.

    Couple of conditions, though:

    * All work to remain fully open source.

    * I also get the commission for the time machine that used it to write the last decade's headlines.

    * I get to present it as a PhD project, the year El Reg was launched.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward




  5. Nigel Sedgwick

    I hope I'm not too late to apply (a little scepticism).

    This cannot be a UK based job, with spelling such as "laborers".

    And the only Wiktionary definition is: "One who uses socio-mechanistic strength instead of intellectual power to try a wag, usually before noon."

    Best regards

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Heavenly Stock Options with Immaculate Assets .... <s>NSFW</s>

      MILF say Hi, Nigel Sedgwick.

      Can we Interest you in Our Virgin Honeypot Traps with Stellar Satisfaction Universally Guaranteed for All Fully Consenting Players/Live Operational Virtual Environment Drivers for Advanced IntelAIgent Machines being made in Our Likenesses.

      That's Venus in AIMasterful Control of Commanding Mars with Both the Subject and Object of Carnal Desire, the Flow of Climaxes.

      I wonder if that is One of those Dark and Deep Vatican State Secrets which are so Overwhelmingly Tempting and Inviting?

  6. Rol Silver badge

    Rol Scarlett faced as he's caught snogging Johansson again and again and again...

    Having given it some thought, I have decided it would be far easier to create a blindingly brilliant headline, and then set about crafting a story to go with it.

    We could buy up spare intelligence agency time on the grey market and give them the already written article as their mission to make it real.

    I appreciate ElReg wouldn't be the first organisation to come up with such a tactic, and they might have to pay some kind of royalty fee to several governments, but removing the constraint of factual accuracy from the problem, makes the coding far easier.

    All I'd want is a one off payment of this headline coming true, and I'll happily work for free.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Rol Scarlett faced as he's caught snogging Johansson again and again and again...

      Was it Oscar Wilde who said that some of his witticisms came to him too late to be a quick retort? So he saved them to use on another occasion.

  7. Anne-Lise Pasch

    I thought this was serious...

    Until I realised it needed Perl.

    ... Nobody uses Perl.

    1. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

      Re: I thought this was serious...

      All the cool jobs are asking for C++ and Java developers to write highly scalable backend systems in Node/React.

      I wish I was joking. An actual quote is, "We find that Java developers write better structured JavaScript than JavaScript developers."

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I thought this was serious...

        I have an interview today for a startup.

        My technical expertise is integration of compley systems and management.. they are interested in the first part.

        I am OCP, etc in Java.. and want me to use Node/React.. no prob as that is exactly what I am doing right now.

    2. colinb

      Re: I thought this was serious...

      Some people use it, but Nobody expects it.

      1. Oh Homer

        Trump! Sez! Nobody! Expects! The! DevOps! BlockChain! At! Yahoo! After! Brexit!

        And I claim my $5.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I thought this was serious...

      I do - every single day.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I thought this was serious...

      ... Nobody uses Perl.

      When you have a hammer - every problem is a nail.***

      ***When faced with writing a system utility in machine code - it was often quicker to use Fortran with cunning.

  8. scrubber

    Machine machinations monetise moribund musings.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    May an AI itself apply directly?

    I'm not sure I would actually require a human agent.

    I do come cheap. All that I request in compensation is occasionally being helped with installation of a new CMOS battery onto my motherboard.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: May an AI itself apply directly?

      So AI learnt already to lie? What about all that power required to run your Tesla GPU, and the cool them?

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My AI bot is ready...

    ... but it will become useful only when it will stop laughing since the first silly title it made....

  11. Steve Knox
    Thumb Up

    Just as our cousins in the newspaper world had to ditch their unionized hot-metal printers as well as other follies such as accuracy and dignity...

    So glad El Reg never had to sacrifice, those last two...

  12. jake Silver badge

    I have just the thing ...

    ... it's even Blockchain enabled, and can be outsourced out of the box.

    Shall we talk? Bell me. Oh, wait ...

  13. Jason Bloomberg

    I came here to read about Jeff Bezos arrest, Trump's decision to close down Amazon and shutter the Washington Post, and all I got was this bullshit :(

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @Jason Bloomberg

      Haven't seen some of the comments, JB... Maybe, they'll come up tomorrow, served as a due-time dessert to the article

  14. Richard Tobin

    AI Prof? LOL!


  15. Tail Up

    Until A Digital Beer's Dev'd

    Happy FoolsDay.

    The skeptic note in the Reg's' Stuff Beer Buzz is easily decypherable:

    You can get the bot to the bar, but can you make it get boozed before getting to work on HeadLights?

    Otherwise, the present quality of it will be unreachable.

  16. TopCat62

    A happy April 1st to you too!

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hmmm... A story published on a Sunday, which also happens to be April 1st...

  18. 8Ace

    Happy Easter......

    ... and 1st April !

  19. T. F. M. Reader Silver badge

    Additional advantageous qualification:

    Proven ability to carefully obfuscate Easter eggs in perl code each April 1

  20. Anonymous Coward

    I prefer to send my application online

    As you can see I have all the necessary coding skills:

    10 print "Breaking news, read all about it!!!"

    20 goto 10

    ./mono headline.vb | mail -s "here ya go you negative negatives!" -b

    I got a solid pair of headplugs and my phone is loaded with mp3's so the moment a discussion would erupt then I'll just go "ya da yayayayayayayaya CAN'T HEAR U lalalalalalallalala". That should do the trick just fine, trust me, I'm an l33t xpert!

    Why you should hire me? Because I love working on April 1st, that date is always special to me. Heck, I might even be persuaded to work for free during that day on the condition that you guys provide some beer. That's right: I need a pint on the workfloor. Just make it happen, ok?

    Oh, also important: I need CVS as version control system and we're going to BAN the use of GIT throughout the office. I'll also demand a mandatory rule be put in place to block access to This way you'll never be able to tell where my excellent code will be coming from.

    errrr, how did that get in there? As you can see I'm also a very good typist which should also be important. Because the moment the AI refuses to sent in headlines then I can take over for it! :)

    So now some stuff found on my resume:

    Extra, read all about it!

    El Reg goes bonkers, lets AI take over despite Steven Hawking's warnings!

    To beer or to AI? Ask El Reg!

    April fools will never be the same again with your new AI overlords!

    To AI or beer? That is the question.

    This headline was sponsored by the April Fool society!

    Amazing isn't it?

    So when do I start?

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Ready, Steady, Go ..... and Bon Voyage on Trips to Tale and Trail .... and Trial :-) *

      So when do I start? .... ShelLuser

      Starts in the Morning, with Prior Perfect Plannings Overnight Provisions will have Afternoons, Evenings and Starry Nights Well Tendered and Immaculately Cared for with what are AILive Future Services for Live Operational Virtual Environment Service Providers.

      And here floating a stealthy boat, to Markets and Traders, the likes of which fully loded is default, and never before seen.

      As a CyberIntelAIgent Vessel, are its Attacking Arms and Defence Forces the Future Source of AILegendary Tales, and with Travellers Rewarded with Erotic and Exotic Bounty in Recognition of the Simplest of Pursuits Almost to Perfection, is the Currentest News of their IT Leading Journeys most Prized and Sought After, and even in some lower orders, Fought Over, which would be AIMadness Confirmed Requiring the Taking of ESPecial Measures for Heavenly Pleasures that can easily so Becalm and Calm one.? :-)

      * Yes ..... When Things Go NEUKlearer HyperRadioProACTive there will Always be Minor to Major Collateral Damage to Mend/Mad Machines to Try and Fix ... or Retire Dead when the Central Processor in the Head is Damaged beyond Repair or Replacement ...... so Things There are always in a Readied State of Constant Tweaking, so Everything Everywhere There are Live AI Trials.

      Do you Need to Know what All of that Means is Immediately Possible. And if you aint thinking a New Future Way from a Home of Immense Wealth, Strong Health and Mighty Happiness for All, you aint been thinking the way that you can.

      1. DanceMan

        Re: Ready, Steady, Go ..... and Bon Voyage on Trips to Tale and Trail .... and Trial :-) *

        I'll have what he's having.

  21. Ye Gads


    Sadly, this may be an April fools, but it looks quite a bit like your standard job spec. "Developer wanted who has 10 years experience in the latest fad, can speak Swahili and is a professional yodeller."

    1. monty75

      Re: Indeed

      “And is looking to take a pay cut”

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Joking apart - the erudition of some of the references and puns above and below the line in El Reg is heartening. However there is a sense that the perpetrators are of an older generation.

  23. This post has been deleted by its author

  24. Alan Sharkey

    Is this what I think it is?

    Funny it should come out today of all days :D

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ah, it's that time of year ...

    Although it has to be said that this is infinitely more believable than England being on top in a Test match ...

    (cynic? Moi?)

  26. DJV Silver badge

    Was about to rush off my CV...

    ... and then noticed the date...

  27. Lost In Clouds of Data

    Can we also assume...

    ... That this offer (and a most exciting opportunity it is as well!) is open for just one single day (today, 4/1/2918 in colonial nomenclature)...?

    (This reply brought to you by my patent pending A(fu)I* bot featuring the latest advances made to Quick basic, Lithp and Fortran.)

    *April Fools Unintelligence

  28. frank ly

    I don't have any experience ....

    ... but I am a fool. Do I get the job?

  29. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: It's your day, enjoy it.

      Is it just me, or is the echo canceller incorrectly configured?

  30. Anonymous Coward

    April Fool

    Was this copied from the Radio 4 one about robot clergy an hour or two ago, I wonder?

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tabula Rasa

    I'm forwarding my CV which should establish I will not bring to the position any actual intelligence that might contaminate this effort. Is there any money involved at all? Because I can't pay that much, but I do have string to barter if necessary.

  32. harmjschoonhoven

    Re: functional alcoholism

    I 'll drink to that.

    Summary of job ad: register headlines software writing technology successful scientists people neural headline familiarity engineering editorial developers create.

    No Boffins? This must be fake news or it is ....

  33. redpawn Silver badge

    Why are

    people always so tired on April first?...

    Because of the 31 day march. Happy Easter!

  34. plingwoo

    This post has been deleted by its author

    Heh heh ... dumbass.

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