back to article Brit censors endure 10-hour Paint Drying movie epic

The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has determined that Charlie Lyne's 10-hour Paint Drying contains "no material likely to offend or harm", and has accordingly awarded it a "suitable for all" U certificate. Nicely described by the BBFC as "a film showing paint drying on a wall", Paint Drying is the result of a …

  1. Chairo
    Devil

    Too easy

    They should have hidden somewhere a few seconds of "special" scene. Just to make sure they really verified the whole film.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Too easy

      Just to make sure they really verified the whole film.

      You don't think that they considered that the main risk? It's not like Charlie Lyne kept his plans secret, and the risk was always that if the fast-forwarded through it they'd miss something hugely embarrassing.

      Although equally, if they had a digital copy, they should have been able to get a frame on frame analysis to pick up any differences, check those out, then fast forward through at 50x, and the laugh would be on Lyne and his clown-funding chums.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Too easy

      Simple to detect with a frame differencer. Still no need to view the whole film.

      Plus who said they did it in one sitting anyway? Half an hour at the start of a day for a month...

      1. JetSetJim Silver badge

        Re: Too easy

        I doubt the BBFC have a frame differencer to hand, so it's probably simpler, and cheaper, just to watch the whole shebang than to find one, work out how to use it, plonk this film through it, and write up the results.

        1. IR

          Re: Too easy

          The film should really have been a series of one-second-long stills and video clips, mostly of things that are innocent but also vaguely rude things like funny shaped vegetables/rocks/trees. Repeat the same ones a lot. The viewer would have to be paying close attention for the whole time because it changes so much. Add a soundtrack of a repeated song that changes volume every now and then, with some hard-to-decipher whispering in the background. Constantly intense is far worse than boring.

          1. Queasy Rider

            Re: Too easy

            Agreed, can't fast forward that.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I doubt the BBFC have a frame differencer to hand,

          Didn't they used to check films for subliminals somehow? I figured that must have used some kind of frame differencer they could repurpose.

          1. Paul Stimpson

            Re: I doubt the BBFC have a frame differencer to hand,

            They might have a product akin-to "Flash Gordon" or "HD Gordon" to check for photosensitive epilepsy issues that might affect their staff. I don't know if that can be set to detect individual flash images.

    3. TheOtherHobbes

      Re: Too easy

      >They should have hidden somewhere a few seconds of "special" scene. Just to make sure they really verified the whole film

      Never mind that - a XXX rating for ten hours of paint drying? How cool would that be?

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Too easy

        50 shades of white?

    4. DropBear
      Devil

      Re: Too easy

      "They should have hidden somewhere a few seconds of "special" scene"

      Rookie mistake. NOT putting in anything is much more insidious - if there is something and you found it, you know it's there; but if you don't find anything you can never be sure whether you just missed it or there really isn't anything to find...

  2. Nigel 11

    Subliminals

    I do hope that they spliced in a few minimum-legal-length subversive images? Phallic vegetables, maybe? Give them something to think about, or prove that they aren't doing their job thoroughly enough if they don't notice the added frames.

    1. Wibbly Wobbly

      Re: Subliminals

      And then, loads of other folk would want to sit through it to see those fleeting images too :-P

    2. Ben Bonsall

      Re: Subliminals

      Should have has a soundtrack with the Take Hart gallery theme on a one minute loop.

      With someone shouting cunt about 8 and a half hours in after they'd turned to volume down.

      1. Paul Stimpson

        Re: Subliminals

        How about an extra long version of something that would really grate after a while like "Je ne Regrette Rien" in about 15 different languages, all of which they will have to find a translator for to make sure the soundtrack doesn't contain any obscenities in any language.

        Prize for the most obscure language people can find...

        It would be so tempting to put one verse in a made up language like Na'vi to make them try to find someone who could identify and translate it.

        1. x 7

          Re: Subliminals

          "Prize for the most obscure language people can find..."

          Kobaïan

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koba%C3%AFan

          specifically written for the rock band Magma to perform music

          Makes Klingon sound tame

  3. Haku

    Won't be long now until we get the movie "Ass".

    The acceptance speech at the oscars might be a bit smelly though.

  4. James O'Shea

    no doubt

    there'll be an even more dramatic sequel: 'Grass Growing'.

    1. phuzz Silver badge
    2. Michael Thibault

      Re: no doubt

      there'll be an even more dramatic sequel: 'Glass Flowing'.

      FTFY

      1. Arthur the cat Silver badge
        Boffin

        Re: no doubt

        there'll be an even more dramatic sequel: 'Glass Flowing'.

        and the sci-fi version, The Pitch Drop Experiment

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How long before this ends up on Kickass?

    Looking forward to the directors commentary on the blu-ray

    1. BongoJoe

      Re: How long before this ends up on Kickass?

      You mean the James Cameron helmed version?

  6. G0HJQ

    Nice work if you can get it

    So they've just paid someone nearly £6000 to watch television for 10 hours?

    It's probably more interesting than the rubbish on the cable/satellite channels.

  7. This post has been deleted by its author

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    3 hour rule.

    Generally a film over 3 hours does really well in the Oscars.

    1. JetSetJim Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: 3 hour rule.

      The next campaign should be to get it nominated for a BAFTA/Oscar...

  9. BongoJoe

    Hidden Satanic Messages

    I hope that the BBFC also played this epic backwards looking out for hidden satanic messages.

  10. DrXym Silver badge

    And the BBFC didn't care one way or another

    I bet most content submitted for classification is utter dreck. Bad foreign animations, bollywood movies, vids about recovering from surgery, hilights from the 1995 season of some 3rd division football team, new age whalesongs, warehouse training vids etc. etc.

    I bet the BBFC doesn't care what they're rating. It's their job to rate content, they get paid by the hour and they rate it. When they're done they move onto the next thing. Nobody is sticking it to the BBFC by making them watch paint dry.

    1. jason 7 Silver badge

      Re: And the BBFC didn't care one way or another

      I bet they stuck it on x4 with the sound on.

  11. Tromos

    Is it safe to read the comments?

    I do hope nobody gives away the ending.

  12. Dan 55 Silver badge

    I'd watch it

    Got to be better than M. Night Shyamalan's output.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I'd watch it

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LGu1sOvxYs

  13. Alister Silver badge

    I recognise that still picture!

    It's from about 3hrs 47min into the film, a really tense period, with an unexpected dénouement...

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Would it class as an 'action' movie?

    Just wondering.

    1. Gazareth

      Re: Would it class as an 'action' movie?

      Dye Hard.

      1. Sir Sham Cad

        Re: Would it class as an 'action' movie?

        "Dry Hard" shirley.

  15. td0s

    I think it's worth pointing out the masonic themes of this piece, it looks like a truly emulsive experience. We shouldn't brush over the efforts of this artisté

  16. Sir Barry

    Sequel

    Paint Drying 2 - Stippled in Homebase starring Matt Emulsion (last seen in Paint Your Wagon)

    1. Spiracle

      Re: Sequel

      Is it a sequel to Primer?

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: Sequel

        No, Primer is the prequel.

        I hear there are talks of a remake, creating a new, different timeline. With lots of lensflare.

    2. druck Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Sequel

      For the sequel they should supply it on digital media set up to loop indefinitely. It would be interesting to see how long the BBFC would sit watching it after the declared running time was up. They wouldn't be able to charge extra though, as they could never finish the job.

  17. beirtipol

    I really hope he snuck random frames of face-sitting in to it to see if they actually watched all of it.

    1. JetSetJim Silver badge

      Considering it was rated "U", I doubt it did have them (or doubt they were spotted)

      1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

        Rated "U"

        you mean 'U' for 'unwatchable'? Sarcastic bastard the BBFC.

  18. Winkypop Silver badge

    Extended Director's Cut Edition

    Easter eggs and the "Making of" featurette plus commentary track.

    No doubt, soon to be on Torrent as a screener.

    Icon --> whited out

    1. dotdavid

      Re: Extended Director's Cut Edition

      Wouldn't a Director's Cut need to be resubmitted to the BBFC?

      1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

        Re: Re: Extended Director's Cut Edition

        I sincerely hope so.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I preferred "Watching grass grow"

    It had a positive environmental message I thought.

  20. Bottle_Cap

    If only I could have sat through this action-fest and not twilight....

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