Wanna work for El Reg? Developers needed for headline-writing AI bots

The Register seeks full-time developers and data scientists to build software tools to generate El Reg-style headlines and other text. This technology will draw upon the work of top UK academic Professor Warren Rice, who has assembled a database of more than one million news stories, including the entire Register archive, and …

[Korev]

I hope the new AI puns don’t alter the tensorflow of the sentence

[JassMan]

@Korev

Since you started your comment on the subjact of AI, I read your last word as sentience. This has made me realise that that I am probably unsuited to apply for the job. I will therefore get back to cooking my poisson d'avril for lunch.

[macjules]

Not sure I look forward to working with Miskatonic University, so I’ll pass.

[J. R. Hartley]

Is TheReg still edited by Hampton Doubleday? I'm related to him you know.

[Fruit and Nutcase]

@J. R. Hartley

Is TheReg still edited by Hampton Doubleday?

He's taken up French Polishing - the work is far more lucrative, and there is a high demand now thanks to the HomePod

[Anonymous Coward]

Sounds the perfect job for #hashtag Amber Rudd...

Given she's developed the perfect AI "frictionless borders solution" for the Channel tunnel and the border between NI and the Republic of Ireland, is there really any better candidate right now for the job?

[el kabong]

It won't fool anyone.

They should have picked another day.

[Nick Ryan]

Meh. I'd consider applying however as I'm likely to be up against AManFromMars I really don't see that there is any point in shaming myself.

[Oh Homer]

Maybe this'll help...

A few years ago, I wrote this Bullshit Generator during one particularly obnoxious meeting.

Sample outputs:

• He can not revitalize traction to engage our cohesive deliverables
• Nobody will evangelize vision to commoditize their organic groundswell
• She might inject buzz to productize his lateral buttocks

Etc.

Yes, all those buzzwords (except buttocks - I just threw that in there) and more featured during this meeting, although it's not an exhaustive list, and predates the likes of "blockchain", so needs an update.

Incidentally, I've heard unconfirmed rumours of "blockchain" being used as a verb, as in "We need to blockchain our strategy moving forward". It was bound to happen.

[katrinab]

I have a pretty good idea what the encrypted code says, but I won't post it until this afternoon.

[m0rt]

" but I won't post it until this afternoon."

Now that just doesn't make sense, either in context or encrypting it.

[katrinab]

Having said that, why are there no blockchains? Nobody will take you seriously if you don't put it on a blockchain.

[John Brown (no body)]

"Having said that, why are there no blockchains? Nobody will take you seriously if you don't put it on a blockchain."

I must admit to being disappointed. I firmly expected today to be the launch-day for the El Reg Crypto-currency. I had my broker on stand-by.

[Anonymous Coward]

"I have a pretty good idea what the encrypted code says, but I won't post it until this afternoon."

I have a pretty good proof of what it says but the margin is too small to contain it.

Also, I have a program that already does everything that the Reg requires, with the small problem that the output is entirely in Whitespace 2003. (Of which today is the 15th anniversary).

[Chris G]

Spare Time

It should be a versatile bot that can double up as a program that will operate a tea and sandwich making robot, after all how much of it's time will be taken up with headline writing?

Could include a Home Brewing subroutine to manage the cupboard under the stairs.

[Mr Templedene]

This AI wrote a fantastic headline!

Click here to find out how

[SoaG]

I couldn't believe the 10 things that happened next and DESTROYED <pro/anti political view> using these common household items and kitten gifs.

[Anonymous Coward]

Makes sense. I've already created AI for comments, I input the article and it gives me a recommended option out of the following,

Brexit

Douglas Adams Reference

Monty Python Reference

Cult sci-fi film Reference

Linux is better than windows

Flash is bad

You're holding it wrong

1984

Crapita

Saves me loads of time.

[Anonymous Coward]

Fake news!

I wonder what amanfrommars thinks about this.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Fake news!

That was my first thought. Then I realized that this is three letter agency plot to get amanfronmars (1?) to expose himself. ;)

[Rich 11]

Re: Fake news!

How could we tell?

[Steve Davies 3]

Re: Fake news!

Amandrommars? What about Eadon?

[PNGuinn]

Re: amamfrommars

3 options:

amanfrommars is the prototype.

amanfrommars is the finished product.

[amanfromMars 1]

A Rake's Progress? :-)

I wonder what amanfrommars thinks about this.... Anonymous Coward

Well, as you ask ....

They have been read out on air by baffled BBC presenters.

...... Post Modern Classics is a Simply Complex Read but Can Easily be Understood by All.

And the Powers that Proprietary Prime Intellectual Property Energy Generates is Quite Literally, Almighty Awesome.

Is that more extant current news to be read out on air further baffling embattled BBC presenters?

These laborers, using closely guarded expertise passed down from generation to generation, use keyboards and mice to fuse computer engineering knowhow, puns, and functional alcoholism to form our article titles.

Not that's a Form for Generation of AI Virtual Block Chains... with/for Perfecting Almighty Restraint In Safer Space Places ....... Remote AI Augmented Virtualised Realities in Live Operational Virtual Environments ...... which could also be Alien OutPosts/Extra Terrestrial Exploratory Fab Labs where SMARTR AIMachines Run Everything Created Almost Too Perfectly. And that keeps them Beautifully Busy Open Testing and Tasting Newly Highly Addictive Wares that Quell the Almighty and Reveal a Virtual Haven with Myriad Paths through Heavenly Doors/Advanced IntelAIgent Remote AI Augmented Virtual Reality Portals to Explore in the Passing Over into Live Operational Virtual Environment AIdVentures ..... Further Augmenting AI Leading JOINT Missions with and for Friendly Natives and Virgin Stock. ......... the Almighty Impressive and Impressionable. :-)

[Chris G]

Re: A Rake's Progress? :-)

"These laborers, using closely guarded expertise passed down from generation to generation, use keyboards and mice to fuse computer engineering knowhow, puns, and functional alcoholism to form our article titles."

Now that, made me laugh out loud.

Have one on me!

[Doctor Syntax]

Clearly something wrong here

Knowledge of the lyrics of Mary Poppins omitted from the requirements.

[choleric]

Re: Clearly something wrong here

Something something something I think that's quite atrocious.

[Warm Braw]

Editorial staff are vehemently opposed to this project

Well, if I had to work my way through a long queue of bloated bots in order to rate their performance, I'd probably be at least ambivalent about the prospect. However, a software analyst would probably happily volunteer to help.

[Rich 11]

Re: Editorial staff are vehemently opposed to this project

Editorial staff are vehemently opposed to this project, so the successful applicant will require superior interpersonal and conflict resolution skills.

In other words, you have to know which end of a cattle prod is which.

[Grikath]

Re: Editorial staff are vehemently opposed to this project

Noo need fer a' Moostick, Laddy. Yes' use yer HEID on 'em scunners...

[Not also known as SC]

"Successful applicants will work with Prof Rice whom we have hired to head this development effort."

Something's not right here - El Reg spending money on something other than beer???

[Rich 11]

Well, Budweiser is brewed from rice. Then again, Budweiser isn't beer.

[Adam 1]

careful

This site has quite a proven track record of predicting the future.

A year ago, coincidentally to the day, there was an innovative suggestion about JavaScript crypto miners being delivered by a website rather than ads to annoy people. Now we have coinhive to deal with.

My best wishes to the successful applicant. May this be a memorable day for you.

[Aitor 1]

Old news

I here humbly propose we further delve into AI.

Not only can thereg substitute the journos, I think it can, sorry, IT MUST, substitute all the commentards. That way they would react as expected, and everyone would be happy, or as happy as the algorithm determines.

[Steve K]

Re: Old news

Careful what you wish for - AManfromMars1 is already an AI - they've never debugged him fully (or slightly...)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Old news

Debug a day and drop a Hokku. Do it for ten or more years, and that's, generally, IT (-;

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Old news

> "...I think it can, sorry, IT MUST, substitute all the commentards."

"I'm" pretty sure that's already happened.

[PNGuinn]

Re: Substitute News ...

So ...

We have a series of random bots to write the headlines.

We have a series of random bots to write the stories.

We have a series of random bots to write the comments.

So, no change then, until Apple and Ms decide to talk to the bots.

It'll never catch on .... Oh, wait ....

[handleoclast]

I see you've already filled the rôle

And the new hire's first act was to fiddle with the comment icons.

Signed, a proud forum troll since Easter Day, 2018.

[VinceH]

Re: I see you've already filled the rôle

Oh, I just assumed every poster was an Australian troll.

[Camilla Smythe]

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Please revert to me with your interest.

Kind Regards,

Raman

[Blockchain commentard]

How about this for a headline?

Click-bait developers wanted !!!

[MrT]

Addendum : Note to applicants...

Experience working at the William Morris Institute for Automation Research will be considered advantageous...

[Anonymous Coward]

It's the end of an era I tell you. You young people today...

Blah blah.

Assorted old codgery complaints.

[John Smith 19]

William Morris?

Bloody armchair Socialist.

[Steve K]

No DevOps?

You missed out DevOps from the requirements - shome mishtake shurely?

[PNGuinn]

Re: No DevOps?

No, DevBots.

RTFA.

Queshtion is - will they be Agile enough?

[GrumpenKraut]

Re: No DevOps?

perl -e 'print "My DevOps is full of eels!\n"; '

Do I qualify? Version 2.0 will have three different headlines!!!