back to article Vatican sets up dedicated exorcism training course

The Vatican cannot be accused of lack of interest in the continued professional development of its staff. Just look at the dedicated exorcism training course it set out this week for clergy interested in advancing their skills. Apparently it was set up to cope with demand after the number of requests for such services tripled …

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  1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Facepalm

    How do they tell if their ghostbuster made mistakes in the exorcism since you can't prove ghosts are real in the first place?

    I'd certainly like to see how that disciplinary process is challenged.

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Gozer's obnoxious mutt, the one gnawing on my car rear left tyre outside, would like to disagree.

    2. Uffish

      Ghostbusters

      I hate to be prosaic about an activity with so much comic potential but no one wants exorcism until it there are problems for humans, and providing a successful exorcism service requires happier humans after the exorcism. That requires some considerable skill however you look at it, hence the recommendation of an apprenticeship period.

      1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Ghostbusters

        "Satisfaction GUARANTEED! Or your ghost back!"

        1. HieronymusBloggs

          Re: Ghostbusters

          "Satisfaction GUARANTEED! Or your ghost back!"

          That's the spirit.

          1. Swarthy

            Re: Ghostbusters

            If you don't pay up, do you get re-possessed?

          2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: Ghostbusters

            "Satisfaction GUARANTEED! Or your ghost back!"

            That's the spirit.

            Holy Ghost!

        2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

          ECTO-1

          The "new" Popemobile?

        3. quxinot Silver badge

          Re: Ghostbusters

          Holy crap. I never knew that Holy Water was homeopathic....

          1. onefang

            Re: Ghostbusters

            "Holy crap. I never knew that Holy Water was homeopathic...."

            I think you mean holy piss, not holy crap.

    3. sisk
      Headmaster

      If my memory on the matter is correct, they wouldn't be dealing with ghosts. I think that any spirits of the deceased in Catholic belief are all in Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory, leaving only demonic and angelic entities roaming around in the world. Though given that I am not and have never been a Catholic I could be mistaken. Not that angels and demons would be any more possible to prove scientifically than ghosts mind you.

      Also I think that the belief is that mistakes would either result in a failed exorcism or the exorcist would risk becoming possessed themselves.

      1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

        @sisk

        Which, of course, begs the question: are there any Jewish ghosts and, if so, what does the Pope suggests one does about them?

        1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

          Jewish ghosts

          @Inventor of the Marmite Laser

          Which, of course, begs the question: are there any Jewish ghosts

          Jewish ghosts would not be "working" on the Sabbath

        2. paulf
          Thumb Up

          Re: @sisk

          @Inventor of the Marmite Laser "Which, of course, begs the question: are there any Jewish ghosts...?"

          There must be as they were popular enough to spawn a sitcom called So Haunt Me in 1992 about, "A suburban family find their new home is still occupied by the ghost of its previous owner, a middle-aged Jewish woman."

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: @sisk

          > are there any Jewish ghosts

          Yep.

          > what does the Pope suggests one does about them?

          Dunno. Convert them?

      2. Tail Up

        Does God have lungs, hands, eyes, legs, head? The Testament says Yes.

        But how do the seraphymes sing hallelujah if they have only head and a six wings?

        Cannot sleep trying to understand. Please clear it up for me, anyone.

        1. onefang

          "But how do the seraphymes sing hallelujah if they have only head and a six wings?"

          They flap their wings at audio frequencies.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      They just teach them rm systemd*

    5. TheVogon

      This is of course in reality the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodly appendage just keeping Catholics occupied while he runs the multiverse.

  2. Alan J. Wylie

    the number of requests for such services tripled in Italy over the space of a few years

    CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN

    Charlie was right.

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Happy

      the number of requests for such services tripled in Italy over the space of a few years

      Who ya gonna call?

      // ain't afraid of no ghosts

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        > Who ya gonna call?

        Those! Bastards!!!

        Misheard lyrics, etc.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Debbie_Wasserman_Schultz

      - Demon or Lizard person? Hard to see from The Publicity Shot!. In any case contact with this entity should not be attempted without a proper containment grid.

  3. TRT Silver badge

    Does this course incur a fee?

    And, if so, can you pay using papal?

    Are there course materials required? Exorcise books and the like.

    1. Steve K Silver badge

      Re: Does this course incur a fee?

      May need some Popery to rid the room of unsavoury odours too?

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. wolfetone

        Re: Does this course incur a fee?

        These puns are making me Cross.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Does this course incur a fee?

      I would tell you but then I could be seen as pontificating.

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Does this course incur a fee?

        Please stop, we'll have nun of these puns please...

    3. Scott Broukell
      Coat

      Re: Does this course incur a fee?

      Either way, you still have to pay the VATican.

      1. sisk

        Re: Does this course incur a fee?

        I need to find a sanctuary from these puns.

        1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

          Re: Does this course incur a fee?

          Anyone else wanting to launch a frightfully clever pun: please only spook when you are spooken to.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Does this course incur a fee?

      It depends, the devil is in the detail.

  4. kryptonaut
    Boffin

    Exorcism Lesson 1

    Benigno Palilla: Don't cross the streams.

    Novice Exorcist: Why?

    Benigno Palilla: It would be bad.

    Novice Exorcist: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?

    Benigno Palilla: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

    Cardinal Fang: [shocked gasp] Total protonic reversal.

    Novice Exorcist: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Benigno.

    1. ArrZarr Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Exorcism Lesson 1

      Ximinez: Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and faith...faithand surprise.... Our two weapons are faith and surprise...and making a quick buck.... Our *three* weapons are faith, and surprise, and making a quick buck...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as faith, surprise.... I'll come in again.

    2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: Exorcism Lesson 1

      Benigno Palilla: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

      Cardinal Fang: [shocked gasp] Total protonic reversal. ... kryptonaut

      And/or total platonic reversal too, kryptonaut. For the Passion it is difficult to believe is truly awesome.

  5. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

    " ...trainee exorcists should work closely with priests in the field before taking on casework themselves

    Well of course, didn't we all learn that from the film? You need a young priest, an old priest, a hysterical mother, a small child with an extremely upset stomach, and not matter what you do, keep away from the stairs!

  6. Winkypop Silver badge
    Devil

    Exorcism?

    Cardinal Biggles called, wants his inquisition back.

    Nooooooobody....

    Seriously though, it's 2018 guys.

    Stop with the magic shit.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Exorcism?

      Fetch the comfy chair.

    2. JcRabbit

      Re: Exorcism?

      @Winkypop > Stop with the magic shit.

      "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke

      1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

        Re: Exorcism? @JcRabbit

        Hmmm? ..... 18.02.23 for Magical Deeds indeed.

        Some, a Select Few who are Many, Equate those to Heavenly Tasks for Global Operating Devices.

        And where is the dotted line for signing up for Vatican Secret Services .... with Surreal Engagement.

        And that's quite enough information leaked for now, methinks. There are Lots to Process there into Practical Intelligence.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Exorcism? @JcRabbit

          Portal access granted.

          1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

            Re: Exorcism? @JcRabbit

            Thanks. That was Simple and Easy.

            Now What? The AI Way Creating Futures for the Future?

            Ok .... and that Hot Bot News to Right Royally Really FCUK Energise Mainstream Media Streams/Virtual Terrain Teams.

            And Trialing and Tinkering with Future Programming of Quantum Communication Systems here with El Reg ...... and welcoming FeedBack/Advancing Commentary ........for Immaculate Scribes to Share as Virtually Perfect Scripts for Presentation of Future Augmented Virtual Reality as the True Source to Everything.

            In a Ground Zero 0Day Play Ground are there Skills and Hacks beyond compare .... so All who Enter In Beware and Be Aware, the Rewards for Success however are Immense and Colossal.

      2. onefang

        Re: Exorcism?

        "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke

        Or, as I used to say in my mixed genre role playing game days, any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.

  7. Blockchain commentard Silver badge

    Surely this is just mis-translated to English from Italian. The priests should practice "exercising" not exorcising.

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      The Pope must diet.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Would that be the Diet of Worms?

        1. Toni the terrible
    2. onefang
      Childcatcher

      "The priests should practice "exercising" not exorcising."

      Don't they get plenty of that chasing and abusing children?

      1. Toni the terrible
        Devil

        Chasing children

        as do all priests, pastors, mullahs etc etc - just like any profession that allows access to children that paedos can infiltrate

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