back to article Belarus declares war on imaginary country within borders of Belarus that is better than Belarus

The former Soviet republic of Belarus has declared war on an imaginary country that exists within its own borders. The unprecedented move – which to be honest sounds no more or less mad than most of the rest of the news in these increasingly interesting times – has come about due to a series of war games called Zapad 2017, set …

  1. ukgnome

    What if......

    Belarus loses?

    1. m0rt

      Re: What if......

      Then Veyshnoria wins! Did you not read the story?

      Typical of Microsof....

  2. Semtex451

    offered a reward of "stew, honey, bread and lard"

    Where's the famous hospitality? - Throw in some Vodka.

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

      Re: offered a reward of "stew, honey, bread and lard"

      Vodka is a good addition, but I would also like some bacon

      (just, because, well, ..., it's bacon!!)

      1. MyffyW Silver badge

        Re: offered a reward of "stew, honey, bread and lard"

        You had me at "lard"

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: offered a reward of "stew, honey, bread and lard"

          You had me at "lard"

          Hmm.. chips deep-fried in lard.

          <Looks at egg sandwich, heart sinks>

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Never underestimate the power of lard.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      There was videos of those Ukranian rebels showing their rations and that was a predominant part, they (we) love that shit in eastern europe for some unexplained reason (I hate it but my father likes to grill that pig fat stuff on the barbecue, its horrible).

  4. Alistair Silver badge


    Vhat, just because vey haff a sleeping condition this tin pot dictator decides to invade zhem? I imagine zhat it can be somewhat hard on furriners at zleeping time, but really?.

  5. DailyLlama

    They may be imaginary

    But they will all still beat us in the Eurovision Song Contest.

  6. John G Imrie

    Passport to Pimlico

    Passport to Pimlico comes to Belarus

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Passport to Pimlico

      One of my favourite films. You can't beat the classic comedies where the narrative is what matters.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Isn't Belarus' motto

    Isn't Belarus' motto "We wish we were Russia but without all the glitter?"

  8. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    Is the national dress of Veyshnoria

    absolutely nothing at all.

  9. DagD

    Sounds like the Krasnovians have moved on from their came on Death Valley.

  10. Voland's right hand Silver badge

    Hehe... Love the fake names.

    Last NATO exercises this summer (Noble Jump 17) used Russian equipment and colors for the enemy for all targets. Openly. Not even pretending that the pig needs a lipstick. That did not go down very well with some of the participants (while getting a roaring applause from others). So much for "allied unity".

    Not sure if what the Belorussians and Russians did is an improvement or the opposite.

    1. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: Hehe... Love the fake names.

      Imagine the wailing and gnashing of teeth if Belarus had openly called their wargame opponents "America"! (and the hilarity from the rest of the world)

      Of course, they could have pretended that they were the British armed forces, except that that even the OPFOR in a minor wargame would probably vastly outnumber any realistic UK force.

  11. herman Silver badge

    Can I surrender too?

    "stew, honey, bread and lard" Yummy! Slavic goulash is well worth surrendering for. Where can I sign up?

  12. Cynic_999

    WTF is this?

    Took a quick look at Belarus on Google, and by chance saw this. WTF are they growing in that field?,28.8418082,1398m/data=!3m1!1e3!4m5!3m4!1s0x46da2584e2ad4881:0xa1d181ec8c10!8m2!3d53.709807!4d27.953389?hl=en

    (Yes, I did eventually realise what I was looking at, but see how long it takes you to figure out)

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: WTF is this?

      Steam (or smoke or similar), innit! But then I drive past a few power stations on an almost daily basis and have seen all sorts of weird and wonderful steam clouds in the varying weather conditions.

  13. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Plausible Government Deniability Required to Further Prove the Virtually Augmented Reality

    And would you believe the same sort of Advanced Internetworking thing is well underway in the UKGBNI. Behind closed doors was never so powerful in covert and clandestine proaction, sometimes masquerading with NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT.

  14. Frenchie Lad

    Not really a Laughing Matter

    The concern is that due to the large numbers mobilised for this exercise, Belarus's friend may be tempted to continue the exercises further west or north. Another worry is that this friend will leave a large part of his army in Belarus at the close of the exercises something few dictators rarely want but this friend feels obliged to help the "oppressed" Russian minorities that an earlier "friend" left throughout Eastern Europe.

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: Not really a Laughing Matter

      So. We are entitled to express the concern, right?

      Playing the devil's advocate 1: Why is Kim Fat The Turd then not entitled to express the same concern about the similar size South Korea/USA exercise? We are poo-poo-ing his concerns and we are suddenly concerned about the same issue on Russian borders. Double standards anyone?

      Playing the devil's advocate 2: Putin and the Fuhrer lookalike have at least tried to put a lipstick on a pig and use imaginary countries as opponents. We have not. Noble Jump 17 a few month ago used Russian colors on surplus soviet equipment from Eastern European countries as targets. Here is the enemy, he is Russian, kill the f*cker. This continued despite it having to be MOVED. It was originally planned to be done in Bulgaria, not Romania, where both the prime minister and the president said that "If you want to stage WW3, stage it somewhere else and get the fuck off our territory". It still continued with the same target color selection after once again the Bulgarians as well as several other NATO countries pointed out that what is being done is an open and blatant provocation (that is in the press around Eastern Europe - you can find easily, with pictures).

      So, frankly, based on OUR behavior, they are entitled to be paranoid and demonstrate military readiness.

  15. Long John Brass

    These dicktaker type are so blind to opportunities

    If the fictional enemy in their war games is more popular that the "home" team.

    Declare that they won & take the opportunity to re-brand the entire country.

    If you do it right you can claim that after the merger that they "decided" to leave you in charge

    All change; Everything the same

  16. arctic_haze

    British Army should do the same

    It should start practicing quelling nationalistic uprisings in "Northgaelia".

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: British Army should do the same

      Howdy arctic_haze,

      British Army should do the same

      It should start practicing quelling nationalistic uprisings in "Northgaelia". .... arctic_haze

      Let's hope they are not retarded and unable to learn valuable lessons, arctic_haze, for their last foray into the Field of Troubles in Ulster was tragic and self-defeating.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: British Army should do the same

      The British Army already periodically runs "civil unrest" exercises in a purpose built ghost town in Pictlandia.

      1. stephanh

        Re: British Army should do the same

        The Dutch police have a similar ghost town for riot control exercises. Apparently you can volunteer to be a rioter and then get to legally hit policemen. OTOH they legally get to hit you back...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: British Army should do the same

      Quell nationalistic uprisings in "Northgaelia" while demanding the EU have a flexible border with it?

      Hey, let's go back to the live fire exercises on unarmed civilian protestors...

  17. Anon

    I got a very nice loupe from a company in Belarus. Apparently they used to make the optics for USSR spy satellites.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Well, share the details.

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