Yahoo! is! up! for! sale! – so! how! much! will! you! bid!?

Yahoo! has officially called in the bankers to explore "strategic alternatives" for the company; in other words trying to find someone to buy up the non-Alibaba side of the business. "Separating our Alibaba stake from Yahoo's operating business is essential to maximizing value for our shareholders. In addition to the reverse …

[Ole Juul]

$4

But the exclamation mark goes.

[Richard Jones 1]

Re: $4

You are all over bidding, it should be cash paid to take it away.

[Mark 85]

Re: $4

After thinking this over, I'll give $100 and then take a tax write-off just for kicks and grins.

[Anonymous Coward]

And Marissa

Will walk away with millions of dollars for "guiding Yahoo through a difficult period", or some other BS meant to justify rewarding failure. No wonder Google didn't fight to keep her.

[LordLestat]

Re: And Marissa

And the result will be that Google is buying Yahoo to enlarge their market share dominance!

[Grikath]

Re: And Marissa

Alphabet just might to put it out of its misery.. They could spin it as a service to Humanity and should be up for a Medal of Honour for that..

[Turtle]

@LordLestat Re: And Marissa

"And the result will be that Google is buying Yahoo to enlarge their market share dominance!"

Although it seems that that was intended as a humorous comment, is there any reason why that wouldn't or couldn't happen?

[Hans 1]

Re: And Marissa

>And the result will be that Google is buying Yahoo to enlarge their market share dominance!And the result will be that Google is buying Yahoo to enlarge their market share dominance!

to increase their market share by 0.000...1%, why ????

I guess MS will come to the rescue, they need yahoo for Bing, and always love to invest in pits, the deeper, the better - they will probably pay $10 to $15 bn ...

[xperroni]

Architecturizing strategic alternatives for maximizing value

"As both shareholders and employees, all of us here at Yahoo want to return this iconic company to greatness. We can best achieve this by working with the committee to pursue various strategic alternatives while, in parallel, aggressively executing our strategic plan to strengthen our growth businesses and improve efficiency and profitability."

I've got an idea: bullshit-as-a-service! Just create a web interface to the bullshit generator they already use internally to generate these blurbs. Think how much other companies could save in PR fees!

[GrumpenKraut]

Re: Architecturizing strategic alternatives for maximizing value

> Just create a web interface to the bullshit generator they already use...

Didn't they do that a long time ago?

[MrT]

BaaS...

Press release to all media outlets:

"Sean the Sheep wishes to distance himself from any and all association with this concept. He is in no way, now or ever, connected with Yahoo or its subsidiaries, even if he occasionally causes exclamation marks to be used."

[Inventor of the Marmite Laser]

Re: Architecturizing strategic alternatives for maximizing value

I thought that's what they did (Obligatory exclamation marks stacked here !!!!!!)

[Ketlan]

Not a lot

Tree-fiddy, and not a penny more.

[Tromos]

"Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

I see. A pre-emptive bid. Well, that's me out.

[Pangasinan]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

That's US dollars and British crisps.

I need to consult the exchange rate before I bid

What's that in Philippine Peso?

[Dan 55]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

I'm pretty sure it was Australian pesos^Wdollars.

[Graham Marsden]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

Tin of Baked Beans!

[Teiwaz]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

"Tin of Baked Beans!"

- Does no one remember else 'The Goodies and the Beanstalk'?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

Quality and it lives on... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjdyIQpOGy4

[allthecoolshortnamesweretaken]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

What flavour are the crisps?

[x 7]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

"What flavour are the crisps?"

cheese

[allthecoolshortnamesweretaken]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

Okay, thanks for the info!

*Ahem* I bid 3.75 $ and two packets of salt & vinegar crisps!

[Eddy Ito]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

Now hang on, it clearly said chips so we need clarification. Which side of the Atlantic are the chips from and are they part of the bid or part of what you get?

[Uncle Slacky]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

25p and a packet of Rolos...

[MrDamage]

Re: "Three dollars and a packet of crisps"

I've got some *ahem* fertiliser spread across some rather soft and absorbent paper.

I bid 3 sheets of that.

[Anonymous Coward]

Yahoo's biggest problem has been one of identity. What do they do exactly?

It's going to be their biggest selling problem as well. What am I buying, exactly?

[Simon Westerby 1]

feck all......

[Mark 85]

@skelband

What do they do exactly?

From the second paragraph: maximizing value for our shareholders. That's apparently it. Everything except the Alibaba bit is losing money.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: @skelband

"maximizing value for our shareholders."

I believe they also something something diversity.

[allthecoolshortnamesweretaken]

Re: @skelband

mumble mumble core competence mumble...

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: @skelband

"maximising value for shareholders" .... "losing money" ....

Well, there is potential value in things that lose money, especially when it comes to tax time .....

[John Tserkezis]

Naw, I don't actually want it at all, but I'll pay you to take it away along with the rest of the rubbish at our front yard.

[Doctor Syntax]

"I'll pay you to take it away"

Are you sure you can afford that?

[x 7]

do they take bids in Transnistrian rubles?

[Captain DaFt]

Whoa, High rollers!

After due thought, I've some pocket lint I'd trade for it.

Act now, and I'll even throw in a used band-aid - FREE!

[Diogenes]

Re: Whoa, High rollers!

How about - you pay me to take this stinker of your hands ?

[a_yank_lurker]

My Bid

-$20,00 USD (You pay me to take the Putrid Palace)

[Mikel]

External advisors

Have external advisors ever recommended "strategic plan" other than "scrap it for parts"? Ever?

Why not save the time and expense of hiring them and get right to it then? The quickest cut is the final kindness.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: External advisors

They've been advised to "scrap it for parts" for years, and years, and years.

Management arrogance always thought they could turn it around.

Destruction of shareholder value on this scale over this period of time should be considered criminal incompetence.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: External advisors

"Destruction of shareholder value on this scale over this period of time should be considered criminal incompetence."

The shareholders employ the board. If they don't rock up to the AGMs & vote the directors off the board then they must be going along with what the board's doing. Ultimately the board & management are doing what the shareholders want, even if they only want it by default as it were.

[allthecoolshortnamesweretaken]

Re: External advisors

Scrap for parts - what parts? The only true asset they have left are the shares in Alibaba.

Okay, Wikipedia could buy the search engine (instead of building their own), but that's it.

[jake]

5¢

I think it should be five cents. </lucy>

(With deep apologies to the memory of Charles Shultz.)

[chivo243]

Our Highest Bid

$4 wow... maybe we can hoodwink some unsuspecting Starbucks customer to trade their super latte espresso cappuccino mocha for it? The barferage could be our parting gift for Marissa...

[John H Woods]

Re: Our Highest Bid

upvote for "BARFERAGE"

[Fihart]

more management twaddle

"The Board is thoroughly committed to exploring strategic alternatives while simultaneously supporting management and the employees in their implementation of Yahoo's strategic plan. We believe that pursuing these complementary paths is in the best interests of our shareholders and will maximize value." ®

To see why this abuse of language is actually encouraged at places like Harvard Business School cast your mind back to James Murdoch hauled in front of MPs -- he managed to say almost nothing while sounding as if he was actually saying stuff.

[KeithR]

Re: more management twaddle

"cast your mind back to James Murdoch hauled in front of MPs -- he managed to say almost nothing while sounding as if he was actually saying stuff."

But that's how you talk to MPs. In their own language.

[x 7]

this piece from late 2014 is illuminating

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/21/magazine/what-happened-when-marissa-mayer-tried-to-be-steve-jobs.html

Ms Mayer would appear to be rather clueless if true

[Anonymous Coward]

Interesting! Debacle! Ye gods..when I got to the bit about Bobbie and his nickel I nearly drowned this puir wee iPad in nasally ejected tea as I laughed so hard at her blatant trolling of her minions.

Seriously, why is she still in charge of anything? (apart from the usual management mystique disease)

[Franco]

I can see why they hired her, she came from Google who are Yahoo's idols these days, and she is a woman so Yahoo look visionary for hiring her. Why she's still in charge, I can only assume because no one else wants the job.

2 articles in a row about Yahoo with no photo of her must be a record though.

[Anonymous Coward]

The cash register goes BING!

It's a perfectly over-priced purchase for the Redmond Redundancy Reaper which fits nicely with their Dollars Down the Drain and Mothball Mobile First strategies.

The downside will be the associated purple prose from Sad! Nads!