It's the FALKLANDS SYNDROME! Fukushima MELTDOWN to cause '10,000 Chernobyls' in South Atlantic

Molten nuclear powerplant cores from Fukushima – having burned their way down through the planetary crust and plunged into the Earth's centre – are set to emerge again on the other side of the planet and devastate the Falkland Islands, scientists believe. Sensationally, the Register can reveal full details of the impending …

[tfewster]

Obligatory "Oh noes", TOTC etc.

Posted 1/4/15

[toughluck]

What really gave it away was this:

"The Falkland Islands will be a barely habitable wilderness, afterwards."

That would be an improvement, wouldn't it?

[JetSetJim]

Re: Obligatory "Oh noes", TOTC etc.

This just goes to prove that Fukushima was an Argentinian plot to displace the plucky Brits from the islands.

[Bubba Von Braun]

Happy April Fools Day

ROTFLMAO.. Very funny guys... Now all you needed to do is to weave LOHAN in as the only method to give the cores something to aim at when they emerge in the Falklands :-)

Or Lester is this the real reason behind the FAA not approving the LOHAN flight? I can hear black helicopters over my hou....<static>

[Adam Foxton]

Even nuclear reactor rods

Even nuclear reactor fuel rods are pissed with how the Argentinians treated the Top Gear team.

Let's hope they don't find out what''s happened since or they'll be popping up in the middle of Chipping Norton in... òh, about exactly a year today.

[Teiwaz]

Re: Even nuclear reactor rods

> "Even nuclear reactor fuel rods are pissed with how the Argentinians treated the Top Gear team."

Maybe they could actually perceive two twats and a psycho when they saw them.

[Vladimir Plouzhnikov]

Time to act!

The only solution is to transport a spare RBMK core from Russia to the Falklands, set it off there and let it sink into the crust. If timed right, it will hit the Fukushima ones head on and cancel the oscillations.

Unfortunately, as Luis Sancho warned on many occasions, such energetic collisions may lead to creation of runaway mini black holes, which will doom us all.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Time to act!

Or sell the Falklands to Russia, Putin will be able to stop the running core simply with one of his farts...

[Kevin McMurtrie]

Great hopping nukes

This would explain why various government agents have been watching customers of the Falk 'n' Big Nets store.

[IT101]

Our new masters

Can I be the first to welcome our new cockroach overlords.

[Boris the Cockroach]

Re: Our new masters

Get down on your knees and worship pathetic humans!

[Red Bren]

Re: Our new masters

Why would I want to worship pathetic humans, when there are mutant intelligent cockroaches to worship?

It never hurts to suck up to the boss...

[Alister]

So this is why they built those aircraft carriers that can't carry aircraft... I knew the British Government couldn't be that stupid...

[MrXavia]

Didn't you know?

Someone in the MOD watched Dr Who and thought it was a documentary, so now the plans are for flying double decker buses why else would they sell off our harrier fleet before the F35's are even ready?

[Anonymous Coward]

@Alister

Yes, the plan is to lay turf on the carrier's flight decks, then bring aboard evacuee Falklands sheep so they can sail back to England in a stress-free free-range environment. And if there is a "black sheep" on the way home, you can fix them to the catapults and launch them overboard!

[Alister]

@Marketing Hack

One of the "features" of the new aircraft carriers, is the total lack of catapults installed...

So I'm afraid any "black sheep" would have to be shoved overboard by hand, unless they could find a plank to walk off...

Other than that, your plan sounds good.

:)

[Anonymous Coward]

Bungee cord. Would work for sheep and cold-launched missiles. Would need further testing for F-35s and buses.

Then again.. We have had 'oil exploration' licences issued for the Falklands which are a cover for Operation Anti-Core. This involves directional drilling under the islands to create a web-like structure filled with bungee cords which would either dampen the oscillating core or bounce it back.

Other options were considered, such as using shaped charges to achieve similar effects. But that involves some risk of blowback. This was explored further in the Orion annexe. Shield the underside of the islands, wait for maximum potential energy conditions and detonate. This had the advantage of potentially relocating the islands away from sovereignty disputes, and dealing with the minefields on the islands. The Environmental Impact Assessment did note the severe impact on the penguin population, and anywhere it landed.

[Anonymous Coward]

@AC

You can recruit a few Horta to do that tunnelling. I bet the U.S. government has them excavating extra escape routes under the Pentagon right now.

[x 7]

can't we use a few magnets to redirect the cores to Argentina?

[Simon Harris]

I think El Reg's geography is a bit out, and the opposite side of the Earth from Fukushima is actually closer to (and almost on the same latitude) Buenos Aires, than it is to the Falklands.

[nichomach]

Oh well done - you had to warn the buggers, didn't you?

[Anonymous Coward]

Oh My

After reading this horrific news, I rang Otto Lidenbrock to see if he had any old maps that could be of use for a mission to capture these oscillating cores before they destroy the earth. After a bit of what sounded like finding an ear trumpet and putting in teeth, he shouted that he did indeed have maps of unknown tunnels in the earth, however, Alex was in possession of them and he is unfortunately in rehab for heroin addiction. He could not remember if Hans was still alive, but was confident that if Hans was alive he may know where the rehab is that Alex is in and that I should sent a letter to Hans post haste because the mail carriage is cutting back to once a month due to budgetary pressures and an aging horse. The line then mysteriously went limp and I turned the crank in feverous and passionate desperation to no avail. I suspect a conspiracy is unfolding here where there anywhere everywhere Bondsonian proportions of hillbillean reaction will be required. With the interior of the earth being shaken or stirred this may be the only logical response.

[SoaG]

Afterwards?

"The Falkland Islands will be a barely habitable wilderness, afterwards"

Excellent expose and analysis piece.

[DropBear]

Re: Afterwards?

Sure, but there will be heaps of tourists flocking to the place just to see all that lovely Cherenkov radiation glow at night...

[Primus Secundus Tertius]

Re: Afterwards?

@DropBear

That would give a whole new meaning to the phrase "blue ocean water".

[Wzrd1]

Re: Afterwards?

I prefer to be bathed in a fine Cherenkov radiation glow in the wee hours of the morning, it's so energizing!

[Anonymous Coward]

Also in the news my kids stretched cling film across the toilet, placed eggs in my shoes and confetti in my umbrella.

[Sir Runcible Spoon]

I hope you sent them to school without their shoes - now *that* would be funny :)

[swschrad]

better than eggs in the umbrella

serves the Falklands right. at least the surviving shepherds will have enough light to see if any of the skeletons, formerly sheep, have disappeared.

[itzman]

TYhe real tragedy is that ...

this story will probably go viral around the Green Blob and be utterly and totally believed.

[Mark 85]

Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

I'm waiting for Faux News to pick up on this... then Congress will be in an uproar followed by various agencies mobilizing to deal with those Japanese terrorists who started this whole mess.

[codejunky]

Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

@ Mark 85

I am waiting for the BBC to pick this up based on their coverage of the 'disaster'. With the way they carried on I expected them to start reading bible passages and talking of 4 horsemen.

[swschrad]

more likely...

post bulletins that young and virile athletic girls be bussed to Broadcast House posthaste.

[Vic]

Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

I am waiting for the BBC to pick this up based on their coverage of the 'disaster'.

That's only going to happen if someone posts the story on Twitter...

Vic.

[tempemeaty]

Umbrella solution is best....

ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I'm perfectly safe because I have an asbestos umbrella! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

[James Cullingham]

Very amusing

And I liked the completely gratuitous Blackadder reference too

[amanfromMars 1]

Get with the BBC*Program

And the UKGBNI is in progressive recovery and all thanks to Parliamentarians, is another one for airing on this date and in these days of make believe and crazy spin.

* Bold Brainwashing Corporations Program

[Anonymous Coward]

too soon

think of teh deads

[Dick Pountain]

Re: too soon

I assume you meant "tink"

[TRT]

So choose the April 1st story:

The Falklands Syndrome,

Luminous Tampon Tracers or

Transvestites Attack NSA.

Yep. Some weird shit goes down nowadays.

[TRT]

Or option D: burying nuclear waste in cat litter.

[launcap]

> Or option D: burying nuclear waste in cat litter.

With one of our cats, I'd rather take the nuclear waste..

[Anonymous Coward]

Frank n furta

Transvestites attacking the NSA I would acccept,as perfectly reasonable - after all why not?

[D@v3]

Luminous Tampons

Worryingly, I actually saw that story elsewhere a couple of days ago, and in fact, if you look at the time stamp for the reg article..... (31 Mar 2015 at 16:56)

[Anonymous Coward]

endless loop (hole) ?

Is it expected that the reactor core will then fall back into the earth's core and resurface somewhere else (again to all the effects mentioned in the article) and keep on doing this until the earth is one big hole?...the end is nigh! / welcome to the new wiffle ball earth

[DropBear]

How could you not mention...

...that according to the well-known superboffin Dr. Ock, there is still hope - if a hole could be punched into the sea floor at the predicted exit point of the cores, all the seawater flooding in might neutralize the Leydenfrost effect and allow friction to kick back in just long enough to confine the cores with one final plunge to the centre of the Earth. A specially trained squad of elite sharks carrying drilling lasers has already been dispatched to the site...

[Andy 97]

Best one I've seen today..

Saying that, it wasn't a tough lineup this year either.

Good work hacks.

[Slacker@work]

Excellent work!

Best Aprils Fool I've seen so far today. Particularly liking the "Federation of Concerned Scientists" - that's an organisation that should be brought to life!

[Slacker@work]

Re: Excellent work!

Ok you just lost the crown - Sony are a runaway winner with this...

http://blog.eu.playstation.com/2015/04/01/introducing-playstation-flow/