back to article The Shoreditch STARTUP SCENE is a load of TRIPE: And that's why it's GREAT

I was halfway through my third plate of organic artisan offal when the idea hit me, like a lightning bolt. In a flash I instantly blue-skyed the deal that will revolutionise British business. Here’s how it happened. It was a damp Movember Monday evening, and around me the scene resembled a 1920s misery memoir - as it does in …


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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All Hail Kim Jong Bong !!!

    But do we really want to revolutionise British Business? The poor dear might not survive the trauma.... it might be more humane to re-inflate it with a bit of pump (and circumstance) and then kindly lead to the retirement home.

    That, in turn, would give Shoreditch the much awaited opportunity to prove its worth as a bubbling cauldron of innovation (and organic tripe) and save the empire with a gaggle of virtual apps enabling the synergy of emergent ideas in a collaborative movement of socio-intellectual onanism and bridging the digital divide between wet dreams of a nanny state and navel gazing self aggrandisement.*

    (Ps we also sell machines that go "bing" to the NHS at £1.2billion a pop)

    [*I know this is a piss poor attempt at Shoreditch consulting speak - I am but a poor Vogon...]

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: All Hail Kim Jong Bong !!!

      But do we really want to revolutionise British Business? The poor dear might not survive the trauma.... it might be more humane to re-inflate it with a bit of pump (and circumstance) and then kindly lead to the retirement home. ....Anonymous Coward Posted Friday 29th November 2013 15:11 GMT

      Yes, one most certainly does, AC, for the very good reason you cite in the trauma. It be inhumane and fabulous fabless folly to refloat and inflate further a ponzi zombie to squat in a zone in which it has no right to inhabit and in which it would have a corrupt subversive and sub-prime effect. The fool will feel no lasting pain.

      Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!

      Oh, and Steven Bong, more positive real virtual action, please, and less shite talking to the masses, there's a good chap. It is not as if you be alone in Bong Ventures, is it?

      1. Solmyr ibn Wali Barad

        Re: All Hail Kim Jong Bong !!!

        "It is not as if you be alone in Bong Ventures, is it?"

        That question, my dearest amanfromMars, is so fittingly, virtually and positively redundant, for he IS the Bong Ventures, or alternately, he has become ONE with it, maybe even IT as such.

        All hail Bong, the relentless purveyor of the much-needed synergy between constantly conflicting alternate realities of virtual realism!

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If only..

    ...all the big UK based banks were as useless as the Co-Op, they were the only major UK based bank to survive the 2008 crash without assistance from the treasury.

    Now the bank is being re-capitalised by its owners and bond-holders, not the UK tax payer, RBS et al take note.

    1. druck Silver badge
      Thumb Down

      Re: If only..

      HSBC and Barclays are major UK banks, not bailed out by the treasury.

  3. Mike Flugennock

    Lord Bong of #businessmodel?

    Wasn't that a character in an old Monty Python sketch?

    Or, am I confusing him with Kevin Phillips-Bong?

    1. Magnus_Pym

      Re: Lord Bong of #businessmodel?

      You may be thinking of Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-Ftang-Ftang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Good stuff.

    Thank you Mr O******* Lord Bong.

  5. Infernoz Bronze badge

    Methinks he is on something mind Fsucking; Bong is a blantant hint.

    I really hope this is just satire to mock these Zombie businesses, and their wasteful support from a Zombie government.

    This nonsense can be amusing for a moment, until you realise that this cultural, social, and financial bankruptcy and corruption is not really funny, and has made slaves of us all, for taxes, inflation, debts, regulations, statutes (not real law), and thus wages by this morbidly obese mockery of a UK state.

    The UK government is pathetic Theater to gloss over a UK state that needs to be mostly condemned, demolished, redeveloped on a smaller scale, and distributed to fully accountable people; that includes far less laws and regulation, and reclaiming of all our sovereignty back from the Communists and Fascists *#@!! artists of the EU.

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Err..... Methinks more he is onto and into something mind Fsucking; Bong is a blatant feint.

      Don't so despair, Infernoz, Your pain is well known and is being suitably treated and dispensed with/extraordinarily rendered impotent. Have some XSSXXXXmas cheer and NEUKlearer Virtual AIReality. And No 10/11 and GCHQ will just love that last paragraph of yours, for the truth is just so liberating, is it not. Well said, Sir/MADame.

      amanfromMars …. having a say on

      Here's Karl Denninger of the Market Ticker registering his disgust [for a few days] at the United States of America and the sad and sorry state of the Fed and Uncle Sam's descent into wanton abuse and market manipulation to national and international detriment .........

      The times and things they are a'changin' and sublime internetworking is doing its IT thing and creating a better parallel beta mainstream of command and control for new real virtual power generators ........ AIMagicians who be much more into the AESthetICQ Nature of Being rather than being fixated on the AESthetan Bodies of Nature.

      :-) This Party Political BroadBandCast was not brought to you by the Clearwater Executive Office of the Church of Scientology although it probably could have been if they had a viable future act to put together for general public dissemination and mainstream media manipulation.

      DB, to not imagine that the future be completely different from the past condemns one's present to be in perpetual decline and permanent stagnation.

      PS.... Be quick to the Market Ticker today as tomorrow will herald a return to normal griping rather than gripping service. The world be full of angry grumps and wannabe rad gramps :-) .... in search of the Exclusive Explosive Elusive Executive Layer Players that Launch Cyber and IntelAIgent Space ProgramMING Projects with Ramps and Pads and Stations with Global Operating Devices ........ SMARTR Media Bodies.

      SMBs, but not as you knew and would know them in small and medium businesses. Their sectors are vastly huge and boundless.

      cc ..... Andy Haldane at the Bank of England

      Sorry, El Regers, for the false email address there but the following is what greeted me this morning on visiting every page of the Bank of England website, with the notable exception of the Research home page ......

      Page availability

      We are currently experiencing unprecedented demand for this information. We apologise for any inconvenience that this may cause. Please try again soon.

      ....... which be real spooky considering that Andy Haldane is Executive Director, Financial Stability and Cyber and IntelAIgent Space ProgramMING Places can be so devastatingly disruptive and deadly destructive whenever used badly/madly/radically.

  6. mafoo


    This song is still a perfect summation of shorditch:

    1. Mike Flugennock

      Re: Shoritch

      Oh, man, that's fucking priceless.

      Even though it's about London hipsters, all you'd have to do is switch out the references to San Francisco or Brooklyn/Williamsburg.

  7. Adam White

    Serendipity Services

    I know I shouldn't have but I clicked the link. Someone please tell me this is a joke too....

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