back to article Jobsian fondle-slab in SEXY FILTHGRAM CRACKDOWN

Famous fruitbrand fondle-slabbery firm Apple is moving to further bolster family values and hierarchical, authoritarian control - not to mention other rightwing American values such as abstinence from youthful or otherwise unapproved sexy sexuality - by the use of a traditional instrument of The Man's dominance: the US Patent …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well done Apple

    For successfully patenting a word filter. No prior art there.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: AC 14:54

      Indeed. I had a bozo filter on my Usenet feed close to 30 years ago.

  2. yakitoo
    WTF?

    Don't even

    think about getting one if you live anywhere near Scunthorpe.

    1. John G Imrie

      Scunthorp hu!

      Dildo (Newfoundland & Labrador)

      Acock’s Green (Worcestershire, UK)

      Babes Well (Durham, UK)

      Bald Knob (Arkansas, US)

      Brest (France)

      Climax (several dotted around the USA)

      1. nsld
        Paris Hilton

        France can also lay claim to

        Pussy

        On the road from Albertville to Moutiers as you approach Moutiers

      2. Alien Doctor 1.1

        Just outside Bath

        Just outside Bath climbs the beautifully named "Brassknocker Hill" (great for watching female cyclists in the colder months).

        1. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

          Also in France,

          "Bitche is located near the German border on the Horn"

      3. Neill Mitchell
        Jobs Horns

        Another couple

        Cockbush Avenue in Hertford, UK

        Cum Cum Hill at Little Berkhampstead, Herts

        The latter was removed for a while after a posh new golf club opened at the top of it. However, it's loss was clearly mourned as the sign re-appeared about a year later. Raised a little cheer in our car as we drove past.

        I guess any golf club member with a iPhone will be getting lost shortly then.

      4. lpopman
        Thumb Up

        titular addition

        Don't forget the old Viz stalwarts:

        Wank (Germany)

        Fucking (Austria)

      5. tranzophobia

        Re: John G Imrie

        Not that anyone cares but Acocks Green is in Birmingham, West Midlands. I know as I live there...

    2. dr_forrester

      Also...

      Don't try getting one in or around the various *sexes which appear throughout the UK and US.

      1. Euchrid

        And another one...

        Pratt's Bottom (village in the borough of Bromley).

    3. max allan

      Or...

      How about the Amish town of "Intercourse" in Pensylvania

      Or the amusingly named Wank mountain in Germany.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I've driven through there once or twice.

        You know it's not far from Blue Balls right?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is it Friday already?

    This is a post that contains letters.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    This that yourself?

    Farrell, is that you?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Yet another wonderful US patent

    Or more likely, yet another wonderful US patent examiner. How in heaven's name did they get this one through? All it is is a wordfilter. It's dressed up to sound like something a little more sophisticated, but at its heart, it's a wordfilter.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    hmm

    I'm pretty sure I could configure a squid proxy to do something similar, the desktop real estate being administered devices. I could probably install something on every box if I was feeling inefficent.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    What?

    Run that by me again. They've patented a hardware word filter.

    For ****'s sake.

    Do the USPO people live in a *******cave or some or some other **** hole. The useless ***** should be ********* sacked.

  8. Merchman
    Coffee/keyboard

    Keyboard...

    ..El Reg owes me a new one!

  9. Marky W
    Headmaster

    Veil not vale

    That is all

    1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Veil not vale

      Is it? Is that all, sir? Is it?

      Correction is incorrect.

      1. frank ly
        Headmaster

        Maybe. It all depends

        If shed in sufficient quantity, on a very cold day, it could be a veil of tears. In that case, it would also be a vale of tears style experience. We need more data and some funding.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Maybe. It all depends

          "We need more data and some funding."

          Don't you start, we've got enough problems with climate change.

          Unless you can lever it in somehow.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Coat

          (with apologies to Clark Gable et al.)

          Frank Ly, my dear, I don't give a [Redacted by Apple].

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      @Marky W

      Ha! As my kids would say . . you got pwned!

    3. The Indomitable Gall

      Would that be...?

      Would that perchance be a "veil of tiers" then?

  10. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Thoughtcrime next?

    You stand accused of unjobsian thought. It's Room 101 for you until you love all things Apple. It makes their famous '1984' advert all the more ironic, doesn't it?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Obligatory

    "Need a text blocked? There's an app for that!"

    1. frank ly

      Careful Now!

      You're not allowed to say that. Or are you? I get confused.

  12. Steve Evans

    Jeeez

    The US patent office will allow a patent on anything won't they!

    A patent is only supposed to be granted on a new innovation which isn't blatantly obvious.

    Content word filtering is hardly new. There may even be prior art on this exact use. I'm sure somewhere like a right wing Arab state or China have been doing this for years.

  13. Ad Fundum
    Thumb Up

    Congratulations

    The phrase "Famous fruitbrand fondle-slabbery firm Apple" absolutely made my day. Wonderful use of the English language!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Insert mandatory pun here

    "Team Register"? Is Verity off sick then?

    Or are we just hours off the first screening of "Team Register * Word Police"

    (OK. I know it's Apple doing this, not El Reg, but the pun won't work otherwise)

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Camera not affected

    Not much imagination required....

    Paris can show you how.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Now send that to the Lay Scientist blog

    then he might figure out what the Reg is about.

  17. David Lester
    Boffin

    I have a Dream!

    Steve Evans writes: "Jeeez The US patent office will allow a patent on anything won't they!"

    I would like to patent a device that can automatically generate a patent that the US patent office will reject. Provided that such a device/software/buisness method is granted a patent -- and I'm unaware of prior art, nor do I think such a device is obvious to practicioners of the art -- then I think I can then diagonalize (after Georg Cantor) the US patent office, and we will never hear from them again.

  18. Ray Simard
    WTF?

    The mind boggles

    Someone, somewhere (in fact, here at El Reg, I think) speculated, tongue-in-cheek, that Apple was patenting the wheel, Beethoven, air, etc., to shine light on the absurdity of the U. S. patent system. I'm about half-willing to consider moving the tongue in this case to its normal position.

    And if they aren't, this case and the many others like it should have that effect anyway, if some sufficiently prominent and respected voices can pipe up and cite them collectively in a suitably loud and blistering attack on the system.

    (The film Patent Absurdity is a nice start, but I fear its audience is not getting very far beyond those who already understand the problem and don't need convincing.)

  19. Michael C

    old

    this was files back in early 2008, is just a simple parental (and more importantly if you read the language for corporations) control, is completely options, and highly requested. It also does not yet exist in the product, and being 2 years old, probably won't.

  20. MinionZero
    Big Brother

    Sounds like Apple are getting increasingly self-righteous.

    (Self-righteous as in ... "smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behaviour of others.").

    So much for land of the free, when people are controlled by corporations like this.

    1. Matthew Barker

      Seriously?

      If you think Apple are in control, you should dig deep into General Electric, Halliburton, and Monsanto, just to begin with.

  21. Rob 101

    Don't forget

    The US village of Intercourse: http://web.orange.co.uk/article/quirkies/Intercourse_judge_in_nutty_condom_stunt

    Sorry for the link to another rag but the reg missed this one (OK, so not I.T. related but amusing)

    And yes, before correcting people you should really think about things. A veil of tears woudl kind of just drip down your front and not be very useful.

    A vale of tears however being especially in context in the article since it is a biblical reference.

    1. Ron Luther
      Coat

      Intercourse, PA

      Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Not too far from Bird In Hand and Blue Ball! All three of which are located in Lancaster county of Amish fame.

      There is actually a nice wine shoppe in the center of town. I know because my wife made me stop right in the middle of Intercourse and run in for a bottle!

      (Mine's the one with the sneaky butler!)

      1. VeganVegan
        Joke

        run in for a bottle

        of aspirin?

      2. dr_forrester

        This title contains letters.

        Also, Intercourse, PA borders the town of Paradise, PA.

        Thus, in Pennsylvania, Intercourse is next to Paradise.

        No, I'm not making it up. Nor is the line original; you can get it on plaques, keychains, and other trinkets through much of Lancaster County.

        1. CADmonkey
          Terminator

          The long winter evenings....

          ...must just fly by.

          (apologies to E.Blackadder)

  22. Bill Neal
    WTF?

    good luck

    How can you block that which is usually abbv.?

    Good luck blocking leetspeak too!

    1. Tom 35

      Should take about 10 seconds for kids to figure out how to get around it.

      Life's a beach, so fork off.

      Assuming most parents can even figure out how to turn it on...

  23. P Zero
    Thumb Up

    Hah!

    If this was a Facebook post, I'd 'like' the shit out of it. Well played, sir!

  24. Disco-Legend-Zeke
    Pint

    Will The Fruit Company...

    ...now go back and retroactively sue Net Nanny et al for infringement?

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Imagine all the money!

    A patent of filtering/censoring text messages! Imagine how much money Apple must be making from all the royalties the Chinese government must be paying them!

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