back to article 'Doctor Dark Energy': The Ultimate LHC eccentric?

There are many interesting questions to be asked regarding the Large Hadron Collider, most powerful matter-rending machine ever assembled by the human race. Will it discover the elusive Higgs Boson? Will it open up an interdimensional portal into some mysterious continuum beyond our own? Will it, perhaps, destroy the world and/ …


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  1. pc

    New on iTunes..

    The new album from Rolf Heuer and his BigBangers..

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Dictionary of Boffin words

    I've now added collaptical to my official list of boffin words.

    Thank you El Reg.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Title required goddamit

    So his soultion to stopping a cataclysmic manmade event which will surely end the world as we know it, is to destroy half the western world instead. Way to compromise

    I would like to say kudos for the name Doctor Dark Energy though, thats probably the only thing he's thought out.

    1. Lawrence 7

      Doctor Dark Energy!

      Sounds like a Side kick of Butter's in South Park when he is Captain Chaos!

      Captain Chaos and Doctor Dark Energy...... to the Rescue via Death and destruction sponsored by Osama bin Laden,

  4. ian 22
    Black Helicopters

    "the LHC will not destroy the Earth"

    They would say that wouldn't they. Thank you for the warning, Dr. Darko.

  5. 3kids2cats1dog

    New Writer for The Register

    I think you guys should give Chris Stephens a desk in at Reg Central and a Beer stipend.

  6. Daniel Evans

    He's not the first on LHC Portal either...

    It's just that he's just not pissed us off enough yet ;-)

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Oh, behave

    Perfect late firday article, Lewis. You silly, silly man.

  8. DI_Wyman
    Paris Hilton

    Can we...

    ...hold off firing up the LHC 'till Monday as I am on a 'promise' with the missus this weekend!

    Why Paris, just in case the wife has a headache.

    1. fredds


      New research shows that sex is good for headache relief.

      Apparently the endorphins released during the act get rid of the headache.

      win/win situation:)


    2. Rob

      Serious stuff

      At this point in time I'm not to bothered about he planet disappearing or the dimensional portal, what I want to know is, it's Monday, did DI_Wyman get his promise?

      Ok, on a more serious note, to all you nutjobs out there, what will you do when the planet doesn't blow up and no portals appear?

  9. Robert Sneddon

    Not Doktor Strangelove?

    Today it takes billyons and billyons (tm C. Sagan) of dollars to get protons up to TeV levels, tomorrow it's a bunch of hobbyist/hacker types with some surplus bits'n'bobs doing their thing in a hotel ballroom over a quiet weekend. Me, I'm welcoming our vampire bat overlords from beyond spacetime.

  10. Charlie van Becelaere

    "Doctor" Ivan Gorelick is not qualified

    for any award you may be intending for him!

    He is claiming to have invented the GraviThermal coils which I demonstrated to him years ago in Minsk! Frankly, he is nothing more than a thief and grandstander wishing to gain access to plutonium for his own nefarious schemes of world destruction and domination.

    Also, please be advised that very few of us actually use tinfoil, as the government (secretly working with the boffino-fascists at DARPA) have secretly substituted aluminium for the tin. As most of those in the "dissenting" community know, while tin is quite effective in preventing unauthorised access to thoughts and emotions (and testicles!), aluminium is not only not up to the task, it also has the ability of being tracked through the use of certain of its isotopes so that the Home Office would actually know where each of the ersatz tinfoil hats is located at any particular moment. For this - and a myriad other reasons - the congnoscenti have in the past several months switched over to galvanised buckets as the headgear of choice when dealing with sensitive topics. Granted, they are somewhat less fashionable, but in some cases a deliberate choice must be made between form and function, and this is clearly one of them.

    Finally, it seems clear that the so-called (soi-disante?) Higgs Boson bears an unmistakable similarity to the name of J. Arthur Higginbotham who has consistently warned of the rank and ulterior motives of the anti-science Russian boffinry - to which group Ivan Gorelik most assuredly belongs.

    I apologise if all of this true information causes you any difficulty with the Ministry of Censorship and Truth Suppression, but the truth will out, as they say!

    1. Lawrence 7
      Thumb Up




  11. Anonymous Coward

    It's the anti-Scotty!

    Sounds like he's describing an inverse warp-core ejection. If I was a warp core, I'd do that , eject the ship & crew from myself and claim self-defence. They're always causing trouble for us cores.

  12. Captain DaFt

    You do realize that...

    It's wannabe mad scientists like him that give the rest of us a bad name!

    Now, if he'd announced that he was going to use his graviticthermal coils to disrupt the LHC the next time it was fired and destroy life and the Universe as we know it unless the UN agreed to give him a lifetime supply of cheese sandwiches, THEN I'd take him seriously!*

    * OK, I lied, I never take anything seriously.

  13. Anonymous Coward

    Doctor Who ?

    See the Title

  14. Ian McNee

    May I be the first to welcome...

    ...our new Magnetic Devil Particle Overlords

  15. John G Imrie

    Calling Dr Freeman

    We would just add, for anyone of a nervous disposition reading this, that the LHC will not destroy the Earth.

    I don't care what thy say, I'm keeping my crowbar close this weekend.

    PS can we have a crowbar icon for 'I for one *don't* welcome ...'

  16. Sir Sham Cad


    I love this description from Doctor Dark Dude's website:

    "[Rolf Heuer] is deadly dangerous for all humanity. He can kill you today with great probability."

    Minon: Sir, Sir, Doctor Dark Energy has discovered your secret plot to destroy humanity and has posted it to his website!

    RH (pulling out his scientific calculator): Curses! Now I shall have to dispose of him... with STATISTICAL MATHEMATICS! Muahahahahahaha!

  17. Andy Enderby 1

    I would have liked to read more.....

    from Dr Dark Energy, but again your oversized Shell Ad slapped itself over the content.

  18. Anonymous Coward

    Never mind a bomb...

    Just wait for one of Osram Bin Lightbulb's finest to expire just they are about to press the big red button on the wall...

  19. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Gates Horns

    It's a sad miss then that the Higgs hasn't been named the "Christ Particle"...

    ...but of course the Higgs being its own antiparticle, this idea falls flat.

    I also see that Mr. Gorelik, is a hollow-earth proponent. I would probably pay for a movie in case he had scripted a good part of it and added some String Scientists of Renown. Should be more entertaining than Dan Brown stuff.

  20. Jad

    I just had to comment

    "Read more: * Physics * Osama Bin Laden ..."

    Just for that tag line :)

  21. blackworx
    Thumb Up


    Looking forward to using that one

  22. Shadowslayer19

    He got it wrong...

    The Devil particle will summon more Devil particles to create a full-fledged demon! Then that demon will summon the Devil, who will promptly take over the earth. God can't save us because we destroyed his particle.

    Which is going to happen on 12.12.12, duh.

    1. Anonymous Coward

      Devil <> Demon

      Devils are not akin to Demons. Devils are innate creatures that invaded and dominated the spiritual plane we know as "Hell". Demons are physical manifestations from the spiritual realm(s) of human(?) emotions concentrated to such a gelled goop to become self-aware, and then aquire forms based on those emotion(s).

      Case in point, Demons may be conjured (coalesce or concentrate emotions into a "being"), while devils must be summoned (create portal for transportation). While a devil feels/displays wrath, a demon *is* wrath.

      Just as living next door to Chuck Norris does not make you a martial artist.

      What are schools teaching our children these days?!

  23. Anonymous Coward

    Dr. Dark Energy? Sounds more like Mr. Fusion

    "he says he invented a compact nuclear fusion reactor just 1m across"

    Mine's the one with the flux capacitor in the pocket...

  24. J 3

    Title, schmitle

    It's obvious he can't be that smart to begin with; he believes in gods and devils... And that they even have particles, mind.

  25. Francis Boyle

    Doctor Dark Energy

    Nice try but with a name like that he's casting himself as the villain of the piece. I'll be backing Captain Hadron FTW.

  26. ThomasF
    Big Brother

    BigBangers - Cute Heurs and Rumsfeld Unknowns

    It is heartening to be told that the LHC will not as promised by Luis Sancho turn us all into

    a Soupy grey Mixture but "There is some chance, according to reputable sources, that it will open up a dimensional portal"


    A top boffin at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) says that the titanic machine may possibly create or discover previously unimagined scientific phenomena called Rumsfeld Uknowns or "unknown unknowns" - for instance "an extra dimension".#

    So the X-Portal Jury is still out on this - Its a case of -

    its not over until the Fat Proton Sings

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Perfect Friday reading

    and now I shall away to bust some panspermia

  28. Ian Michael Gumby

    God vs Devil Particles...

    Unfortunately this doesn't quite fly....

    Sure the physics predicts that these particles exist in pairs.

    But our concept of God is one of a monotheistic nature. There is by definition no anti-god.

    So I must flame the reg and the HTC boffins for their mistake. One of the following *must* be true:

    A) Those among us who believe in monotheism have got it all wrong.

    B) The nomenclature of a 'god particle' doesn't fit.

    C) There really is one god, however he's really a she and suffers from bi-polar issues.

    D) The idea that we must have a particle and an anti-particle is wrong.

    Either way, we're fscked so we might as well enjoy what little time we have left on this god forsaken earth and enjoy the friggin weekend.

    Mine's the coat with the tin foil shielding and an internal pocket for my towel.

    1. Anonymous Coward

      No, there's a perfectly simple explanation.

      God, in order to be really truly omniscient, omnipowerful, and all those other omni-things He is said to be, must contain within Himself His own opposite.

      Therefore he is his own anti-particle, and so must be some kind of massless boson or uncharged hadron, like a photon or pion... or indeed a Higgs particle!

  29. Stuart 14

    Hmmm Cheese Gromit

    But we al know the moon is made of cheese!

  30. William Hinshaw

    Hows this for a crazy idea I have

    Consider this theory. That there is no matter, it is all energy. Matter as we perceive it on at the smallest point is really energy in going in a loop or sphere shape or force cage for the lack of a better term. What makes this possible hasn’t been discovered yet except that it is possible to break this loop or cage causing a release of an immense amount of energy. For example in a fission reaction when high energy neutrons collide with a large fragile atom like plutonium there split results in the loss of mass. That mass that is loss is from a subatomic particle that has had its energy loop or force cage broken allowing it to unravel so to speak. The idea reduces all of the cosmos down to energy being present or not present. The question that should be asked is if matter is in fact energy structured around a loop or a force cage is it possible for all matter loops and cages to be broken down and released in a cataclysmic explosion. Then what if it is that the smaller the loop or cage is the more powerful the forces unleashed? If so, is it possible that the energy released would be powerful enough that when striking another small loop or cage cause a cascade effect that could see the complete break down of all matter into energy in an uncontrolled reaction destroying the universe as we know it and leaving behind only one large wave of energy?

    1. Ian Walker

      crasy idea...

      "... leaving behind only one large wave of energy?"

      and God said

      "Let there be light!"

      goggles because, well even at the end of the world health and safety rules need to be followed

    2. Anonymous Coward

      Reality (matter) as a wave AND a particle

      Disclaimer: This being expressed on an electrical basis for the purposes of clarity. This is an oversimplification for the purposes of illustrating the point. No flames, please.

      The "loop" or "cage" is the field generated by the frequency of the energy contained therein. Each is almost the ultimately sought-for machine, the OU (over unity) engine - the energy itself powers its own containment, preventing it from expanding in a wave, but the field itself generates energy from the circuit loop within it - a kind of virtual inductive sphere that propogates the energy wave itself. However, energy generated by the field never exceeds the energy lost by induction, thereby maintaining sum 0 state(s).

      There is residual excess from induction from nearby particles, stray photons, inner dimensional interactions, etc. that can cause the energy within the field to momentarily exceed field's capacity, but the residual excess bleeds off and is expressed as ionic charges or weak nuclear forces. Some arrangements or frequencies do not bleed off enough residual energy, building up until they ultimately "decay" into states that are more stable.

      However, application of differing/opposing frequencies (nuclear particle/waves, laser photon/waves, etc) can inject additional or canceling energy frequencies to destabilize the field, thereby releasing the entire amount of energy therein, ie - fission and fusion.

      Chemical processes, by comparison, merely deal with the attractive/repulsive properties of the higher level particle/waves created ("bleed off") by these energy fields, ie - protons, electrons, etc.

      Let's hope we don't accidentally discover the correct frequency propogation to shut off anything important, eh? No solor lightswitch, please!

  31. Anonymous Coward

    >"qualified as a physics schoolteacher"

    So then, he even *admits* he knows nothing about physics?

  32. Anonymous Coward

    Oh, and another thing.

    >"agricultural mechanization specialist"

    That's a euphemism for a drooling yokel who's been thrown out of his part-time job as a human plough-ox because the farmer's gone and bought a tractor, is it?

  33. Anonymous Coward

    For similar reading go to:

    1. Anonymous Coward

      also ...

      ... google "gangster frankenstein computer god machine". That one's quite special :-)

  34. bart

    lexiconical portal

    I also did not let that sexy new tech term "collaptical" escape my highly polarized vocabularic field. New dimensions are already invading our space. This gives more creedence than ever to the notion that Sarah Palin has been sent back in time to oversee the end of days, as she herself, of course also, has the gift of tongue.

    You betcha.

    1. Chris Stephens

      He have him cornered at the portal forum

      I am enjoying cornering him at the forum. He may not be back I suppose. You too can have your say to him.. Also in that section of the forum there are almost no rules.

  35. Dave Gregory

    Damn it

    My rant earlier forgot to rope in these lunatics!

  36. Les Matthew
    Thumb Up

    re: You do realize that...

    "It's wannabe mad scientists like him that give the rest of us a bad name!"

    Says Captain DaFt.

  37. ChessGeek

    Hasn't anyone figured this out yet?

    When the God Particle is made manifest, all the other particles shall flock to worship It. It is this rush to devotion which will create the black hole that shall destroy the earth.

    1. Ian Michael Gumby


      A black hole isn't the absence of particles but the incredible density of particles that they cause a warp in the fabric of time/space.

      So if your theory holds true, then it would be the rush of all the particles in the known universe flocking towards it which causes the massive black hole with the Earth in the center.

      In order to save the earth, we need to find a really good tailor who can repair the rip in fabric of space time.

  38. Nick Ryan Silver badge

    Gotta love the crazies...

    Gotta love the crazies... after all, where would we find all these lovely new words that can sporadically find themselves in IT documentation. Hell, with enough of them we can create a few more meaningless T.L.A.s just to make things more "interesting".

    Of course, the funny thing about the LHC is that the energy of the collisions is *still* less than that resulting from of the particles that are continually bombarding the atmosphere. At last check, the Earth's atmosphere hadn't vaporised the Earth's core, created a trans-dimensional gateway to hell (or Slough) or even spontaneously collapted. Nature is so so boring sometimes...

    1. Herbys

      Uh... no.

      > the energy of the collisions is *still* less than that resulting from of the particles that are continually bombarding the atmosphere.

      If that's what makes you feel safe, I'm sorry to ruin your year but they are not. The collisions in the LHC are a few orders of magnitude higher than any happening on earth. They are only equivalent to those *possibly* happening on neutron stars and some other remote bodies we don't know *that* much about. For all that we know, tiny black holes could be really frequent in the universe.

      Additionally, if there were collisions on earth energetic enough to create a black hole, the speed at which the black hole would be going would make it go through earth without producing much damage, continuing its way into space. That wouldn't be the case with one created by the LHC, which would remain on earth. And you know what that would mean.


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